Kakashi felt like he had been utterly screwed over by the universe.
How could such a horrifying thing happen to him?
Shouldn't this be a plotline straight out of his own Vigorous Paradise novels?
Could it really be that art originates from life?
What made Kakashi feel even more pained and utterly miserable was the cruel irony of the situation—this time, he experienced the phantom sensation, suffered the psychological humiliation, but gained absolutely zero physical benefits.
Shadow Clones couldn't bring back Hashirama cells.
Just like how a Shadow Clone eating a bowl of Ichiraku Ramen could only bring back the mental memory of fullness, but couldn't physically transfer the digested noodles and calories back into the real stomach.
Kakashi discovered that every time he woke up from unconsciousness lately, he either felt terrible, or incredibly good.
Sometimes he even felt both terrible and good simultaneously.
Adding to this paranoia were the little anecdotes written in 'his' book, Vigorous Paradise.
One such story was inspired by the Land of Water's perpetually humid climate, where the locals loved eating spicy food.
A certain coastal town developed an explosively spicy dish called "Life Curry."
In the story, a traveler went there specifically to try the curry, and indeed found it delicious.
While enjoying the meal, he drank several glasses of strong alcohol with some newly made local "friends."
The next morning, the traveler woke up feeling a severe, burning pain in his backside.
But he didn't pay it much mind, assuming it was just the fiery aftermath of the extreme Life Curry and the heavy drinking.
However, during the rest of the trip, every time he drank heavily and passed out, he woke up the next day with the exact same burning sensation.
After several days of this torment, the traveler decided to switch to a lighter diet.
He replaced the Life Curry with mild broth and swapped the alcohol for sparkling water.
That night, he didn't pass out.
He woke up startled in the middle of the night, discovering a horrifying "incident" in his bed that he would never forget for the rest of his life.
From then on, that person never dared to get drunk again and began living a strictly "healthy" (paranoid) lifestyle.
(Meanwhile, in Kirigakure, Mei Terumi had screamed: "You inherently evil Konoha ass-poking ninja Kakashi! How dare you slander the Land of Water's innocence with your baseless, cursed accusations! Our tourism industry died before it even began—you deserve to die!")
It was precisely these paranoid short stories that had alerted Kakashi's ninja instincts, leading him to formulate his trap.
After this latest blackout, the moment he had regained consciousness on the medical ward bed, he immediately used what little chakra he'd recovered to create a Shadow Clone to replace him on the sheets.
His real body then slipped away to hide in the empty storage room next door.
As for why he didn't use his more proficient Lightning Clone?
First, a Lightning Clone requires vastly more chakra, which he didn't have.
Second, Kakashi wasn't sure who was sneaking into his room.
If it turned out to just be Might Guy trying to give him a weird midnight massage, he couldn't risk electrocuting Guy's already small dick, could he?
This time was purely for gathering intelligence.
Yet, it was precisely this cautious approach that caused Kakashi to miss out.
He suffered the humiliation of the memories for nothing, completely missing out on the actual buffs of the Hashirama cells.
The mere thought of that strange, warm, viscous white fluid from the Masked Man being forced down his clone's throat made Kakashi violently nauseous.
'From now on,' Kakashi vowed to himself, 'I am never drinking soy milk or regular milk ever again and definitely NO sausages.'
'And that weird, grainy, chewy texture mixed in? I am never drinking boba milk tea ever again either!'
But despite his profound disgust, Kakashi found he couldn't completely blame the Masked Man.
He understood the tragic reality.
Obito had wronged everyone in the world.
He had murdered their Sensei.
But... Obito had been surprisingly fair to him.
He had never once thought about taking back the left Mangekyo Sharingan.
When Kakashi overused Kamui and nearly went blind, Obito, deeply concerned for his old friend, risked exposing his infiltration of the Leaf just to manually infuse Kakashi with healing Hashirama cells.
'Infusing Hashirama cells, meow.'
'Infusing Hashirama cells, thank you, meow...'
'Huh?'
Wait.
Why was he hallucinating and talking randomly in cat-speak?
Kakashi realized the problem.
The false sense of stamina recovery from the Shadow Clone's memories had completely faded, and the crushing reality of his actual, zero-chakra state hit his brain like a freight train.
He was starting to feel violently dizzy again!
Thud.
Kakashi collapsed face-first onto the cold floor of the storage room, out cold.
Fortunately, there is true compassion and genuine care in this world.
When Tenzo and Might Guy came to visit Kakashi in the medical ward, they discovered his bed was empty.
Knowing Kakashi couldn't have been discharged so quickly given his condition, the two urgently began searching for him.
They scoured the entire hospital and finally found the unconscious Kakashi sprawled on the floor next door.
After carrying Kakashi back and tucking him into his hospital bed, the two took out the nutritional supplements they had brought for him.
"Why did Kakashi go next door? And why did he pass out on the floor?" Might Guy wondered, scratching his chin in puzzlement.
"Regardless of why, we've been searching all day, and Kakashi-senpai has been unconscious without eating or drinking anything. He's severely dehydrated. We must replenish his nutrients immediately," Tenzo said pragmatically, pulling out a large plastic funnel from his ninja pouch.
It seemed to be the exact same model of funnel Naruto had used during the Chunin Exams to aggressively fill rubber balloons with tap water.
"Guy, hold his head steady."
After aggressively prying Kakashi's jaw open and inserting the funnel deep into his mouth, Tenzo started tearing open the food packaging.
He took a thermos of warm highly nutritious milk, dumped in a handful of soft, chewy glutinous rice balls (mochi) and began to pour the unholy concoction directly into Kakashi's throat.
"Kakashi-senpai, drink slowly. Don't choke," Tenzo whispered gently.
'Gurgle... GLK!'
"Huh? Why does Kakashi look like he's in so much absolute agony while drinking milk?" Guy asked, alarmed.
"Could the milk be expired?"
Noticing Kakashi's face turning a pale shade of green even in his coma, Tenzo quickly took a sip of the milk from the thermos to check.
"Tastes fine, It's not expired."
The worst thing that could happen to a bedridden patient was getting food poisoning and having diarrhea while unconscious.
Relieved to find the milk was fresh, Tenzo sighed.
Then, he cast a suspicious glance at the chewy glutinous rice balls floating in the thermos.
'Could the rice balls be too big, causing Kakashi-senpai to choke?'
With great, earnest consideration for his senior, Tenzo used his Wood Release to manifest a wooden pestle.
He aggressively mashed the sticky rice balls directly into the milk, forming a thick, gritty, warm, lumpy white paste.
He then poured this exact, traumatizing texture back into Kakashi mouth.
Kakashi's subconscious mind, triggered by the horribly familiar texture, threw him into a violent nightmare.
He began struggling frantically, his limbs thrashing and kicking unconsciously against the bedsheets.
This left Tenzo and Guy utterly confused.
Why was he resisting love and nutrition?
But medical supplementation was essential for the Youthful Spring!
So, Might Guy decisively leaped onto the bed and locked Kakashi into a full-nelson Strongman Hold, pinning Kakashi's arms and legs from behind so he couldn't move a muscle.
Tenzo continued to pour the thick white paste down, gently stroking Kakashi's chest to soothe his reflexes.
"Kakashi-senpai, I know you're having a nightmare. Calm down. Swallow it down. We're here with you. There's nothing to fear from the dark."
As if hearing Tenzo's words, Kakashi truly stopped struggling.
His body went entirely limp in Guy's arms.
Two crystal-clear tears leaked from the corners of his closed eyes, streaming silently down his face.
His spirit had been thoroughly, irreparably broken!
"By the way... did Kakashi-senpai eat breakfast before he fell unconscious?" Tenzo suddenly thought of a logistical medical issue.
"Not sure, probably? Kakashi maintains quite regular habits and often cooks for himself," Guy replied, still keeping Kakashi locked in the submission hold just in case.
"Since Kakashi-senpai has been unconscious all day, and considering how violently he was thrashing just now... could he have... shit himself?"
Tenzo worriedly glanced down toward Kakashi's lower half beneath the blanket.
"No way! When we moved Kakashi here, there wasn't any unpleasant odor!" Guy was shocked by the accusation against his eternal rival, finding it hard to believe.
"We can't risk it. Let me check."
Tenzo, ever the dutiful junior, picked up a damp medical towel hanging nearby and reached his hand under the blanket.
He wiped the area as he moved his middle finger.
He probed slightly to ensure absolute cleanliness, then withdrew his hand.
Finding the towel completely spotless.
"Good. It seems Kakashi-senpai hasn't soiled himself." Tenzo tossed the towel into a nearby biohazard bucket with a satisfied nod.
Turning back, he noticed the unconscious Kakashi on the bed was violently crying again, his face scrunched up in sheer, unadulterated anguish.
'What kind of tragic dream is he having, making him cry continuously?' Tenzo wondered sadly.
'Could Kakashi-senpai be dreaming about the trauma of that rainy day when he had to pierce his own teammate's heart with a Chidori? The guilt must be eating him alive.'
"Ah... poor Kakashi-senpai," Tenzo whispered reverently. "Guy, let's observe a moment of silence for the heavy burdens he carries in his heart."
....
This duo .... seriously!