"As for Uchiha Obito's intelligence profile, the records stop at his youth. It says that when he was little, he was habitually late, enjoyed rescuing lost kittens, and helped old ladies cross the road… Huh?"
Halfway through the scroll, the reader paused, sounding baffled.
The others exchanged bewildered glances.
These first-generation Akatsuki members possessed a simple, almost innocent worldview.
They understood the concept of people changing over time, but this drastic shift defied logic.
Faced with Obito's supposed transformation, they failed to connect his wholesome childhood profile with either of the two deranged Uchiha Madaras listed in the reports.
The two Madaras described earlier—the old-woman stalker and the sewage-bender—read like monsters divorced from humanity.
Yet this dossier painted Obito as a warmhearted, clumsy child.
Did they miss a page?
"I get it!" A flash of inspiration struck Kyūsuke. He slammed his hands together. "This is Uchiha Obito's disguise!"
"Disguise?"
"Right! You cannot just look at the surface. You must look underneath the underneath." Kyūsuke puffed out his chest and delivered his analysis.
"Both of these 'Madaras' possess a track record of controlling the Nine-Tails. Because both share that feat, we ignored it as a distinguishing factor. And that is exactly where the truth hides!
If we ignore the Nine-Tails, Uchiha Obito's childhood reads like a wholesome anomaly. But once we factor it in, the puzzle solves itself. The so-called 'Uchiha Obito' spending his days 'helping' lost kittens proves one chilling fact—he harbors a twisted furry fetish!
He used the excuse of rescuing small animals to bully them! Only, because he was young and lacked chakra, he lacked the power to fulfill his darkest desires. Once he grew up, he shed his mask. He used his Sharingan to enslave the ultimate furry target—the Nine-Tails—and subjected it to his whims!"
Kyūsuke's deranged logic drew a chorus of awed cheers from the squad.
Hiding beneath the stone slab, Obito almost burst a blood vessel!
These pathetic ants—grunts he slaughtered with a wave of his hand years ago—dared to slander his childhood innocence out of thin air?!
Unfortunately, the Heavenly Prison locked his chakra network tight.
If he revealed himself, he possessed no jutsu to punish them.
Instead, he would suffer the exact same torture they inflicted on Madara!
If this squad discovered the real Obito shared this room, they would skip the analysis and string both Uchihas up side by side.
Obito flattened himself against the cold floor and slowed his breathing to a crawl.
Kyūsuke plowed forward with his theory. "As for helping old ladies cross the street, the logic matches the kittens. That bastard used the guise of a good Samaritan to satisfy his twisted urges while secretly..."
'I am going to snap,' Obito thought, biting his own lip to stay quiet.
"Uchiha Obito died an obscure grunt, so his personal file is thin," Kyūsuke continued. "But his best friend, Hatake Kakashi, is a global celebrity. We have volumes of intelligence on him. Look at the attached addendum regarding Kakashi.
After Kakashi assumed Obito died, he adopted his fallen teammate's lifestyle to mourn him. In other words, whatever kind of degenerate Hatake Kakashi is today, that is the exact kind of monster Uchiha Obito was in the past!"
Kyūsuke scanned Kie's intelligence dossier, his face twisting in disgust.
He took a steadying breath before reading the contents.
"Hatake Kakashi learned everything from Obito. Not only is he perpetually late, but... recent reports state he aggressively pursued Chiyo of Sunagakure. However, after Obito's own grandmother returned via Edo Tensei, Kakashi immediately transferred his affections and abandoned Chiyo.
More importantly, Kakashi authors published literature. His Limited Tsukuyomi series features a world populated entirely by furries! That is his deepest, darkest fantasy projected onto paper.
Do you see the truth now? The staggering depths of Kakashi's modern depravity prove the horrific baseline of the original Uchiha Obito!"
Obito's face burned a furious red.
Even hiding in a dark cave at the edge of the world, that naturally evil Kakashi still found a way to drag his reputation through the mud!
What did Kakashi's degenerate lifestyle have to do with him?!
"So that explains it."
"Brilliant work, Kyūsuke. You cleared the fog."
"The pieces fit."
The group nodded in grim realization.
Finally, every pair of eyes pivoted toward Uchiha Madara, who remained pinned to the stone slab.
"...What are you staring at?" Madara asked.
He spent the last several minutes filtering out the electric torture and ignoring their brain-dead conspiracy theories.
He missed the logical leaps.
Did they finally realize they captured the wrong man?
"You possess an extraordinary mind. To think you engineered such a flawless disguise. If we failed to send Kie for the updated dossiers, and if Kyūsuke lacked his deductive genius, you might have deceived us!" Kie sneered, disgusted by Madara's feigned ignorance.
"What are you talking about?" Madara blinked.
What disguise? What deception?
True, Uchiha Madara spent a lifetime weaving lies and wearing masks, but for the first time in decades, he spoke the unvarnished truth.
"Uchiha Obito, drop the act! We see through your disguise!" Kyūsuke roared.
"Huh?" Madara's confusion deepened.
Beneath the slab, Obito flinched at the shout, assuming they finally spotted his boots.
"You admitted earlier that you are the first target—the one with the old-woman fetish, correct?" Kyūsuke pointed an accusing finger.
"..."
"We cracked your code! The man with the old-woman fetish is Uchiha Obito. The real Uchiha Madara—the one who weaponized the municipal septic tanks—harbors the shit fetish! You exposed yourself bastard!"
"..."
Madara's brain scrambled to process the weaponized stupidity he just heard.
He ran the data, cross-referenced their logic, and reached a horrifying conclusion.
Based on their deranged parameters, he was Uchiha Obito.
'No, wait. What is happening?!'
"So, you are the masked bastard who murdered us!" Kyūsuke declared.
Madara opened his mouth, but words failed him.
How did a sane man defend himself against this level of cognitive dissonance?
"Originally, because Kie let go of her hatred, and because you already occupy a dead vessel, we planned to issue a minor punishment and walk away," Daibutsu said, his face twisting with grief and fury.
"But we underestimated your depravity. Unrepentant even in death, you still try to deceive us!"
"I am not Uchiha Obito..." Madara muttered, despair bleeding into his tone.
The substitute just usurped the original.
"Guys, attack! Make him bleed!"
"Wait," Kie interrupted, unrolling the bottom of her scroll. "The intelligence packet contains several sealed texts. They are Kakashi's published novels! Let's use his own best friend's twisted fantasies as a reference manual to extract a confession from this monster!"
"Agreed!"