"You feel it, don't you? Occupying Edo Tensei vessels, you can see how fake and hollow this shinobi world really is! Come on. Help me! Assist me in launching the Infinite Tsukuyomi so we can build a true, perfect reality!"
Obito heard Kyūsuke's sigh and saw the shifting expressions on the squad's faces.
Assuming he found a psychological opening, he launched his recruitment pitch.
Only... those words might have worked on a meathead like Kisame.
But anyone with half a working brain cell could spot the glaring logical flaw.
True, the shinobi world harbored lies.
There was always a chance reality itself was a simulation, much like the famous "brain in a vat" hypothesis.
But that remained a mere theory.
What did Obito plan to do about it? Launch the Infinite Tsukuyomi.
And what was the Infinite Tsukuyomi? Setting aside the Ōtsutsuki agenda of harvesting chakra, it was a literal genjutsu.
In other words, because Obito suspected the real world might be fake, he wanted to trap everyone in a world that was definitely fake to fix it.
How did that differ from shooting a man in the head to stop him from committing suicide?
Kisame hated lies and sought the truth, yet a few vague speeches converted him into Obito's most loyal attack dog.
These first-generation Akatsuki members lacked Kisame's strength, but their brains functioned normally.
Not brilliant, but standard.
Aside from Kyūsuke's braindead decision to trap himself inside a Water Prison with an intangible ghost, they operated on basic logic.
They noticed the early warning signs of Hanzō's betrayal that Nagato and Konan missed, tried to report it, and died for their vigilance.
Obito's garbage-tier rhetoric stood zero chance of swaying them.
The group exchanged glances.
'Is this guy brain-dead?' they thought. 'Does he even know how to string an argument together?'
One had to remember the core philosophy behind the original Akatsuki.
Yahiko built the organization to resolve conflict through dialogue.
In plain terms, Talk no Jutsu!
But Yahiko was not the protagonist, nor did he possess the protagonist's strength.
His Talk no Jutsu failed, and he died.
His essence split into three.
His body was left to Nagato as the Deva Path Pain.
His soul went to the Bleach set to become the protagonist over there.
His voice actor was handed over for Senju Tobirama to use.
This history proved the original Akatsuki members specialized in words, not war.
The later Akatsuki hunted Tailed Beasts; they required god-tier power.
The original Akatsuki pursued diplomacy; they required eloquence. They belonged to the shinobi world's school of debaters.
And now, this Intelligence-Two dropout tried to peddle a logically broken pitch to recruit them.
Was this a joke? It sounded so ridiculous that Kyūsuke considered shoving a cucumber into Obito's mouth, half to offer him nutrition and half to shut him up.
...Wait.
A cucumber to block his mouth?
Kyūsuke glanced at the fresh produce gifted by the warmhearted villagers of Amegakure.
Did these items not serve as the absolute perfect tools to punish Uchiha Obito?
A bright, menacing smile spread across Kyūsuke's face.
He turned and pulled the items from the burlap sack one by one. He needed the best candidate for the job.
"Looks like Amegakure remains a backwater under Nagato and Konan's rule," Obito mocked.
"Nothing but vegetables. Couldn't afford any meat?"
Annoyed the squad ignored his speech in favor of sorting groceries, his arrogance flared.
This reaction highlighted his fatal flaw.
If he possessed an ounce of caution, he would not mock the men holding his life in their hands.
"..."
The moment the mockery left Obito's lips, Kyūsuke reached into a separate black bag and pulled out a wriggling eel.
Kyūsuke held the eel aloft, measuring it against Obito's frame from across the room.
After a few seconds, he shook his head and tossed it back.
The eel served as a potent tool, but the eel did nothing wrong. They wanted to break Obito, but traumatizing an innocent fish crossed a line...
The group analyzed the remaining options and eliminated several candidates.
Cucumbers snapped too easily.
Cherry tomatoes seemed viable, but they risked popping prematurely under pressure.
The squad selected their first brave warrior: the banana.
"I read that bananas promote digestion and relieve constipation. During our lives, we never tasted such a luxury." Kyūsuke and his men each gripped a banana and advanced on the stone slab.
"Wait, what are you doing?!" Obito finally registered the threat.
"Relax. We just want to supply you with vital nutrients. Look at the curve of the peel. Doesn't it match human ergonomics perfectly?"
The squad swarmed the slab and attempted to 'feed' Obito the bananas.
Obito thrashed.
Even with a crippled chakra network, fending off pieces of fruit required minimal effort.
With a few twists of his hips, he crushed the bananas into mush.
Without intact tools, how could they breach his defenses?
But Obito overlooked the consequence of his victory.
By destroying the gentlest, most intestine-friendly option, he forced them to escalate their arsenal.
"You bastard! How dare you waste precious food!" Kyūsuke roared, staring at the yellow paste smeared across the stone.
During their youth, a bowl of plain rice cost blood.
Fresh fruit belonged exclusively to wealthy merchants and daimyō.
Obito squandered a luxury they died defending!
"If you force-feed him the remnants, it will not go to waste," Uchiha Madara offered from the sidelines, providing helpful guidance.
"And not just the bananas. Once you conclude your punishment with the other produce, feed those to him as well. Make no waste."
"Mmph?!" Obito's pupils shrank. He glared at Madara in pure horror.
'This old bastard has a heart of pitch-black venom!'
"Good idea! Thank you!" Madara's tactical advice restored Kyūsuke's mood.
He signaled the men to scrape the smashed banana paste off the stone.
Ignoring whatever sweat or grime mixed into the mush, they forcefully pried Obito's jaw open and shoved the ball into his mouth.
Kyūsuke clapped his hands clean and inspected the remaining arsenal.
"Uchiha Obito, I planned a gradual escalation. But since you remain stubborn, we skip the appetizers. We cannot risk wasting more food or letting you enjoy the process!"
Kyūsuke picked up an iron-stick yam, drew a kunai from his belt, and began peeling the rough skin.
Hm? Obito squinted at the root vegetable.
What was that?
This served as their secret weapon? He braced himself for the spiked durian.
This felt underwhelming!
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