"Well," I stretched, cracking my neck. "Naruto is busy corrupting the youth. Sasuke is brooding. Sakura is useless. I have a whole day free."
I wandered down the main street of Konoha, whistling a tune. The village was peaceful. Too peaceful. It needed a little chaos.
Then, I heard it. The screeching of wild banshees.
"I saw him first, Ino-pig!"
"In your dreams, Forehead! Sasuke-kun doesn't like girls with foreheads bigger than his future!"
I turned the corner. There they were.
Ino Yamanaka and Sakura Haruno. The Rivals. They were standing in front of the flower shop, engaged in their daily ritual of screaming about who Sasuke would ignore less.
Standing slightly off to the side, looking exasperated, was Tenten. She was twirling a kunai, clearly waiting for them to shut up so they could go get dumplings.
"Target rich environment," I muttered.
I didn't need a system scan to tell me the vitals here.
Ino: The fashionista. Temperamental. Sakura: The violent one. Insecure. Tenten: The weapons nut. Probably wearing spandex.
"Time to test the new elastic properties," I grinned.
I hid behind a telephone pole. I extended my index finger.
[Skill: Elastic Chakra (Bungee Gum)]
A thin, invisible thread of pink chakra shot out. It traveled across the street, weaving between civilians.
Stick.
It attached itself to the hem of Ino's purple skirt.
I waited for the wind to blow.
"You're just jealous because my hair is smoother!" Ino flipped her ponytail, posing dramatically.
"Now," I whispered.
Yank.
I gave a sharp tug on the chakra thread.
FLIP.
Ino's skirt shot up. It didn't just flutter; it went full Marilyn Monroe, exposing a pair of pristine white panties with a small purple flower print.
"KYAAAA!" Ino shrieked, slamming her hands down to cover herself. Her face turned the color of a tomato.
Sakura froze. Then, she pointed and burst out laughing.
"BWAHAHA! Ino-pig! Showing off your goods to the street?! Desperate much?!"
"SHUT UP!" Ino screamed, looking around wildly. "It was the wind! A perverted wind!"
"A very specific wind," I announced, stepping out from behind the pole.
I walked toward them, hands in my pockets, a critical expression on my face.
"White with a flower print," I nodded solemnly. "A bit childish for the Yamanaka heiress, isn't it? I expected lace. Or perhaps leopard print."
The three girls turned to me.
"KENJI!" Ino roared. "YOU!"
"Me," I bowed. "At your service. Though next time, wear the matching set. The bra strap I saw earlier was plain white. Coordinate, Ino. Fashion is war."
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Ino charged.
She threw a punch. It was slow. Telegraphed.
I didn't dodge. I stepped into it.
I caught her wrist.
"Too slow," I whispered, spinning her around.
In one fluid motion, I pulled her back against my chest. My other hand slid down—accidentally, of course—and landed squarely on her left butt cheek.
Squeeze.
"Firm," I noted loudly. "Squats are paying off."
"EEEEEEK!" Ino elbowed me in the gut.
I took the hit (thanks, [Iron Body] passive) but pretended to stumble back.
"Sexual harassment!" Sakura yelled, raising a fist. "Cha! Stay away from us, you pervert!"
"Oh, Sakura," I looked at her. I looked at her chest. I sighed. A long, tragic sigh.
"Don't look at me and sigh!" Sakura screeched. "What does that mean?!"
"It means I admire your aerodynamic properties," I said smoothly. "Less wind resistance when you run. It's a tactical advantage, really. Sasuke likes efficiency."
"THAT'S IT!" Sakura charged, chakra gathering in her fist.
She swung.
I activated [Iron Face].
BONK.
Her fist connected with my cheek. It sounded like she hit a steel girder.
"Ow!" Sakura shook her hand, tears in her eyes. "What is your face made of?!"
"Shamelessness," I grinned. "And handsome alloy."
"Stop playing around!" Tenten stepped forward, spinning a scroll. "You're annoying them, Kenji!"
"Ah, Tenten," I turned to the bun-haired girl. "The voice of reason. And the wearer of spandex."
Tenten frowned, taking a combat stance. "Don't try your tricks on me. I have weapons."
She reached into her pouch to pull out a shuriken.
"So do I," I winked.
[Skill: Steal]
My hand blurred.
Tenten gripped the air. Her pouch was empty.
"Huh?" She blinked.
"Looking for this?" I dangled her shuriken on my finger.
"Give it back!" Tenten lunged.
"And this?" I held up a scroll.
"Hey!"
"And... these?"
I held up a pair of black, practical safety shorts. The kind she wore under her Chinese dress to kick freely.
Tenten froze. She felt a sudden, cool breeze on her thighs. She looked down. Her dress was still there, but underneath... she was breezing.
She looked at my hand. She saw her safety shorts.
Her face went from confusion to realization to nuclear red in 0.5 seconds.
"Y-Y-YOU..." Tenten stuttered, her brain short-circuiting. "HOW?!"
"Magic," I sniffed the shorts. "Smells like gun oil and hard work. Not bad."
"PERVEEEEEEEERT!"
The scream echoed through the village.
"Formation!" Ino shouted, recovering from her shame. "Kill him!"
"Agreed!" Sakura cracked her knuckles (the non-injured hand).
"Give me my pants back!" Tenten roared, summoning a bo staff from a scroll she pulled out of her cleavage (smart girl).
The three of them surrounded me.
"Now, ladies," I raised my hands innocently, still holding the shorts. "Let's be reasonable. Maybe we can work out a trade? One pair of shorts for a date with Ino? No? How about a date with Tenten?"
"DIE!"
They attacked simultaneously.
Ino used Mind Body Switch (I dodged). Sakura threw a boulder (I let it hit me for the drama). Tenten rained kunai (I stole half of them mid-air).
It was a beautiful dance of violence.
I let them hit me. Every punch, every kick was just an excuse for me to "accidentally" grapple them.
A hand on Ino's waist here. A face-plant into Tenten's chest there. A "defensive" spank on Sakura's rear.
SMACK.
"You did that on purpose!" Sakura screamed.
"Reflexes!" I lied, dodging a kunai.
Finally, after ten minutes of chaos, I decided to let them have the "win."
I let Tenten trip me with her staff. I fell back, landing in a heap of dust.
"Ha! We got him!" Ino cheered, panting heavily. Her hair was messy, her skirt was twisted.
"Take that, you menace!" Sakura huffed, wiping sweat from her brow.
Tenten walked over, snatched her safety shorts from my hand, and quickly put them back on under her dress, glaring daggers at me.
I lay in the dirt, bruised, battered, and covered in footprints.
I slowly raised a thumbs-up.
"Worth it," I wheezed.
"Ugh, he's hopeless," Ino rolled her eyes, but she wasn't actually using lethal force. "Let's go, girls. Being near him lowers my IQ."
"Yeah," Sakura agreed. "Let's go get Anmitsu."
They turned to leave.
"Hey, Ino!" I called out from the ground.
Ino stopped and looked back. "What now?!"
"Next time," I grinned, blood trickling from my nose. "Wear the leopard print. It suits your wild side."
Ino turned bright red again. "I DON'T OWN LEOPARD PRINT!"
She stormed off, but I saw the small smile on her face.
[System Notification] [Shameless Points: +500]
[Reputation with Ino: Annoying but Interesting.]
[Reputation with Tenten: Danger (Panties at risk).]
[Reputation with Sakura: Punching Bag.]
I chuckled, dusting myself off.
"I love this village."
Author's Note:
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