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Translator: Ryuma
Chapter: 1
Chapter Title: I Won't Give Affection
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I'm cursed.
Yeah, this has to be a curse.
"Waaah...! Waaah...!"
If you could live forever, or relive your life over and over, or had some power like that.
Anyone's probably thought about it at least once in their life.
What would you do if something like that really happened to you? If you knew about it.
The details might differ, but the big picture would be the same for everyone.
You'd do whatever the hell you wanted.
Unbound by time, and able to go back even if you screwed up—it'd only make sense to charge ahead recklessly.
"Grrr...! Grunt...!"
An infinite life holds infinite possibilities, after all.
But if that life truly has no end.
If you can't see the point of it all.
If everything else keeps turning without you, leaving only emptiness behind.
Then... that's what you'd have to call a curse.
And that's exactly the situation I'm in right now.
Seventeen years.
No matter what I do, who I meet, or what I become, after seventeen years, I always come back to this moment.
Even if I die along the way. Even if I don't.
"Waaah...! Waaah...!"
"Grrrh...!"
Groooowl...
To this place, where a baby's cries mix with a monster's growls and the rumbling from my empty stomach.
How many dozens, hundreds of times have I seen this scene already?
It's boring.
Just the signal that another meaningless life is starting.
How old was I at this point?
Right, probably fourteen.
Not a huge age, but not too young either.
That's why in my first life and the next few, I had no choice but to struggle just to survive.
The surroundings visible now were nothing but horrific corpses and devastated ruins.
A normal person would grimace, maybe even lose their mind at the sight. But I'd seen it countless times, so it barely fazed me.
"Waaah...! Waaah...!"
Amid it all, the baby's cries kept coming.
Along with the ridiculous growls from my gut.
Let's see. It should be around here somewhere.
I ducked into a nearby collapsed house, shoved aside some debris, and pulled a hunk of bread from a basket there. I shoved it in my mouth.
Dusty and a bit stale, but it was the only thing around that could fill my stomach.
Munching on it bit by bit, I sank into thought amid the baby's wails.
What now...?
In these looping lives, my top priority was always escaping this place first.
The city lay in ruins from a massive monster assault—no hope in sight, just terror of when they'd kill you next.
Of course, now I had the perfect escape route memorized, so grabbing essentials and slipping out was child's play.
But...
"What's the point of any of it?"
The words slipped out unbidden.
I'd truly reached my limit.
I'd done everything I wanted, learned anything worth learning until I was sick of it.
But after seventeen years or death, it all went poof... and I was right back here.
No matter how much knowledge or experience I piled up, if it amounted to nothing more than sandcastles, it was meaningless.
Why me? Why only me?
I'd asked myself that endlessly, consulted the wise, even non-humans. No answers.
I'd even believed a prophet who said I was chosen by the heavens. But it was just a curse, plain and simple.
So what the hell should I do now?
"Waaah...! Uwaaah...!"
The baby's cries rang out again, weaker now.
Wait a second.
A question I'd pondered across countless loops but never pinned down resurfaced.
Why does it always loop back to right now?
I'd come back here over and over to figure it out, but no dice.
But if there's something here at this moment that can break this repeating life...
"Ugh... Uwaaa...!"
Could it be that baby?
The thought hit me, and I headed straight for the cries.
I'd always known about the baby, but never bothered looking at its face.
Early on, surviving myself was hard enough.
Later, even after I could, rescuing it from this point was tricky, so I avoided it.
And after that, as I kept grinding experience, I never interfered with the kid.
Because in this endless loop, I'd learned one thing above all.
Losing bonds with people... hurt the most.
Even if I took the baby in now, it'd vanish in the next life.
That's why across all those lives, I'd never had a child.
I'd burned with love plenty of times, but swore never to bring a kid into it.
The thought of them vanishing from the world because of my reset... it made me want to puke.
But now, maybe just checking the kid's face wouldn't hurt.
"Hic... Hngh...!"
The cries were fading, like the baby was on its last breath.
I finally spotted it, standing out clearly even in these ruins.
A hemispherical barrier surrounded the bundled infant, shielding it perfectly amid the chaos. A few bits of debris rested atop it harmlessly.
Nearby lay a few monster corpses too.
...Including one gripping the barrier, eyes gleaming hungrily, long tongue flicking out to lick its chops.
"Grrr...!"
At its low growl, I slipped behind a building wall.
The thing was a Rebek—a massive bipedal lizard with superior physical prowess. It hunted in packs, classifying it as high-risk.
Taking one on with this pathetic body? No chance.
"Kyak! Kyruk!"
The one clutching the barrier gnashed at it, trying to chew through.
The creepy sounds drowned out the baby's fading wails.
The shield was holding, but it wouldn't last long.
Watching that, I...
"Gruk?"
...stepped out bold as brass and faced it head-on.
It paused, confused, mouth off the barrier, eyeing me oddly before instinct kicked in.
Obviously, it'd pick the easy big meal over the tough little one.
It let out a mocking squeak and lunged with razor claws.
Thud!
But it just smashed the ground.
Undeterred, it swiped with the other claw. I dodged with minimal effort.
After being chased and killed by Rebeks endlessly here, then hunting them countless times after... I could predict its every move.
Dodge, dodge, lure, dodge again.
I toyed with it like routine work, but this untrained body was already winded from the exertion.
"Karruk?"
So I slipped out of its sight with a quick shift.
Rebeks sense heat, so their sight, hearing, and smell lag behind.
Teasing from range, then ducking debris to confuse its vision? Easy dodge.
Plus, I'd been backing up while evading, already far from the start.
In the end, it wrecked buildings in frustration.
"Hoo... Hoo..."
Catching my breath from that short sprint, I returned to the baby.
The barrier was cracked everywhere, about to shatter.
I approached cautiously and touched it. It vanished like it'd been waiting, revealing the crying infant at last.
A tiny, fragile thing that seemed like it might break any second.
Yet it'd belted out those mighty cries with this little body.
Though now even those had stopped.
"..."
Scanning for anything else, my gaze snagged on something nearby.
Not far off, amid piled debris, a pale hand protruded.
Judging by the position... probably the baby's mother.
To deploy a barrier like that in this mess...
Shaking off the cold analysis, I approached the bundled baby and carefully lifted it into my arms.
It really hit me then—how small this life was.
But it didn't mean much to me.
Then I spotted something shiny tucked in the bundle.
A silver pendant, pouch-shaped.
I clicked it open. A photo appeared.
A stunning beauty with silver hair sat at an angle, smiling softly this way. The baby's downy hair gleamed silver too.
And on the inside of the opposite lid, a few words:
To my beloved daughter.
"...Lize."
I murmured the name, checked the birthday, closed it, and slipped it back inside the bundle.
Was this kid really the key to breaking my loop, like I thought?
Right now, that was all I cared about.
"Grooooar...!"
A distant monster roar mocked me for wasting time.
But how many of my past efforts weren't wastes?
Wait. What if...
A sudden idea struck. I unwrapped the bundle and quickly checked the baby's bare skin.
"Ha, haha...!"
I nearly burst out laughing as it confirmed my hunch.
My eyes locked on the mystical mark on the baby's back.
A single-wing pattern—the mark said to appear on the Hero.
These days it's treated like a fairy tale, but I knew it was real.
The Hero who saves people, the world, and banishes its darkness. The Hero of Light.
If I raised this child into that Hero and saved the world.
If we defeated that damned Dark Lord.
Then I'd surely see the end of this endless life.
I was convinced this was the answer I'd missed.
Yeah. In the end, it meant I had to raise this kid.
But not out of any feelings for her. Just for my own sake.
So absolutely...
"I won't give her any affection."
◇◇◇◆◇◇◇
9 years later.
"Y-You damn rookies!"
Crack!
I cleaved the last Rebek's neck in one stroke and flicked the blood from my sword.
Then I whipped around, glaring daggers at the rookies who'd signaled for rescue.
"Eek...!"
The four greenhorns looked beat to hell—clear signs of inexperience—but that wasn't my problem.
They'd dragged me into this when I was busy. A little venting was fair.
"You check requests twice, three times, and do thorough recon first. Got it or not?!"
"W-We didn't think there'd be that many..."
The one who seemed like the leader mumbled courageously.
And yeah, behind me towered a mountain of Rebek corpses. Easy to mistake for an anomaly.
But like I said, I was busy.
"I'm in a rush!"
Even if it was mercenary camaraderie or human decency or whatever—this needed saying.
"Right now, the cutest girl in the world—my Lize—is waiting for me!"