Chapter 20
Pathetic
When Tokiya opened his eyes, he was still in Istar Forest, and the sky was now completely dark. His left arm was still a wreck, and everything still hurt. The only noises that could be heard were the chirps of crickets and the sizzling of the fire in front of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see something swinging back and forth. They were the legs of Karasu who was sitting on the log that he was propped up against.
"Welcome back, sleepyhead."
Tokiya looked up at her in silence. He didn't want to talk to Karasu. He wasn't mad at her. The only person he was mad at was himself. However, after failing so greatly in the Library of Ajax, he couldn't bear to speak to her.
Karasu pouted.
"Come on, Tokiya. Say something."
He was surprised by her attitude. Tokiya knew by now that Karasu was prone to quickly switching her personalities, but to be pouting like a child at a time like this just seemed immature. Tokiya's eyes widened.
"Your arm..."
Karasu glanced down at her missing arm.
"Oh, this? It's no big deal. I'll just heal it with temporal magic once my mana restores. Your arm is looking pretty rough too. Don't worry, I'll make sure to heal yours too."
Tokiya averted his gaze.
"T-thanks..."
Karasu's expression changed to one of worry. Luckily, Tokiya couldn't see it.
"Tokiya, I want to know what happened to you in that regalia."
He knew it was coming. Tokiya knew that sooner or later Karasu would ask about what happened in the library. As usual he had questions of his own, especially regarding everything he's been learning in his consciousness. But now, he didn't even have the spirit to ask those, let alone detail the traumatic experience that was the Library of Ajax.
He finally looked up at Karasu. Her eyes were pleading for him to tell her what happened. Those eyes, he hated those eyes. Why was everybody looking at him like that? First the eyepatch man and now Karasu.
"How could she ask me that? Did she even consider how I might feel describing the darkest moments of my life? No, why would she? I failed. I failed while she lost an arm for me. I don't deserve her consideration."
Tokiya's lips slowly began to open.
"Berserker died."
Tokiya stopped right there. Karasu knew there was more, but she didn't push. She was like a caring mother being patient with her child.
"I killed him. I killed Berserker."
Tokiya instinctively reached for his left arm, but of course, there was nothing there. With nothing there to place his anger on, he put it on himself and began grinding his teeth together.
Karasu patted Tokiya on the back, trying to soothe him, but it didn't work. Tokiya could feel the deep care in Karasu's hand, but at the same time he felt nothing at all. For everything she knew about him, he knew nothing about her. This was a one-way connection.
Eventually, he was able to continue his recounting.
"I died. But then, this stupid, stupid Divine Blessing brought me back to life. It made me switch places with Berserker, so while he died, I got to live!"
Tokiya didn't know what to do with himself. His body writhed in anger as he forcefully scrapped his feet across the dirt, and his body heeled forward.
"Why did it do that? I didn't ask for that, you know? I didn't ask to keep on living."
Tokiya was once again looking down at the ground. Realizing that nothing more was going to come out of Tokiya, Karasu spoke.
"I've been with the Divine Root Blessing for a long time, Tokiya. Despite that, there are still many things I don't know about it. The best way I could describe it is as having a will of its own. Until you master it, it will continue to act according to what it sees best."
"How could it see Berserker dying as best?"
"I don't know."
There was a silence. Karasu was being cautious to not take over the conversation. This amount of care and respect she barely gave to anyone, but it seemed like Tokiya was an exception.
"What does it even do? The Divine Blessing I mean."
Karasu responded simply. Her voice was the only part about her that Tokiya couldn't figure out.
"I already told you. It rewrites timelines."
Another silence. Tokiya began to think intensely.
"If Divine Blessings are given to people by strong beings, what would inspire the World Tree to give one to me? Why give such a powerful ability to someone worthless like me? Am I actually expected to master it? Hell, I would've died again if it weren't for that creature."
Tokiya's eyes widened.
"Hey, where did that creature go?"
Karasu raised an eyebrow.
"Hm?"
"There was a floating creature. It appeared out of nowhere inside of the regalia, and it helped me escape. I don't know where it went though."
Karasu tapped her chin.
"That explains it. I was using detection magic to find you, but the regalia was too small for me to find it, so I was only able to find you once you had exited. When I was able to detect you, I picked up two presences, one of which disappeared before I could get there. Did anything happen before it appeared?"
Tokiya thought for a bit.
"Well, I had just punched this giant cyclops, and a huge smoke cloud appeared. That's also when my arm got twisted like this."
Karasu pondered.
"A smoke cloud? That reminds me of Ubi and his animal summoning."
Karasu didn't say anything more regarding the creature, but it became clear that she already came to her own conclusion about it. Tokiya was going to ask, but he was beaten by Karasu.
"Tokiya..."
Tokiya looked up at Karasu. To his relief, her eyes were no longer pleading. They were more affirmative, like she had something to tell him.
"Only answer this if you feel comfortable. What has Eien told you since the altercation with Mors?"
Just the thought of Eien made Tokiya want to roll over and die, but it was too late to stop engaging with Karasu now. However, it did take him a while to gather everything before speaking.
"He-he told me about my memories, and why you've been concealing so much from me. Then it was... Then he told me how he wanted to possess me."
Tokiya stumbled over his words as he spoke, his voice still monotone and tired.
"There's still a lot of blanks though, like his motives or why he looks like me."
Karasu nodded.
"I'm sure after your talk with him, you understand why I can't fill in those blanks."
Tokiya thought about telling Karasu about the eyepatch man, but after her previous statement, he knew it would be a waste of time. He clenched his fists.
"So, you just plan on keeping me in the dark?"
Karasu shrugged.
"It depends on how long it takes you to get a hold on your Divine Blessing. That's really all it comes down to."
Tokiya tried to stand but instantly realized that wasn't going to work. He couldn't do anything. He couldn't even stand. He looked up at the sky this time, for his neck was hurting from always looking down.
"Why don't I know anything? Why don't I get to know anything about what concerns me? Do I even have any say in my own life?"
Tokiya felt something grab his face. It was Karasu. She gently rested Tokiya's head on her lap.
"I can't imagine how hard it must be to suffer through pain and even death while not even having a clue about what's going on. However, what I do understand is failure. I've failed more times than I can even count. Hell, I even failed today by not being able to save you."
Tokiya wanted to express how it wasn't her fault and that it was his instead, but Karasu left no room for interruption in her speech.
"Failure, the first few times, is a terrible thing. It actively drains all will to continue. Eventually, after failing more, its effects lessen, but it never completely stops stinging. My hurt was only amplified by the fact that I was alone. In everything that I knew and did I was alone."
She began stroking Tokiya's hair, making her presence even more apparent. Her warmth surrounded him. There was no world in which Tokiya couldn't know Karasu was there with him.
"I'll be honest, Tokiya. You will continue to fail. That's just what comes with a responsibility as heavy as yours. But unlike me, you won't be alone. I'll be right here with you, so that when you do fail, you'll have someone to pick you back up."
Karasu brought her head down and kissed Tokiya on his forehead. Then she whispered to him.
"I'll always be here."
Tokiya wasn't surprised by Karasu's suddenly motherly demeanor. He was no longer surprised when Karasu's personality became something he never expected. Karasu was just as big of a mystery as Eien or his Divine Blessing. But right now, the fact was that she was here for him, and despite him not wanting anyone to care for him, he couldn't help but deeply desire Karasu's presence. His wants contradicted each other, and his eyes began to tear.
Karasu continued stroking his hair, her voice remaining a soft whisper.
"It's ok. Cry all you want. After all, it's my job to take on your burdens. And once you've finished crying, go to sleep. You'll need it for tomorrow."
With Karasu's gentle stroking, the warm tears running down his face, and the exhaustion he already felt, Tokiya was able to easily fall asleep.
*****
Tokiya lay in the shallow water of his consciousness, the last place he wanted to be in. The glowing yellow void had been replaced by the all too familiar depressing ruins. He didn't bring himself here. As usual someone had pulled him there, but this time he didn't know who. Both Eien and the man with the eyepatch were killed during his last visit, but being that this was his consciousness-
"So, you chose to live."
Tokiya sat up to see Eien approaching him as if he hadn't crumbled to pieces that same day. After Karasu's warming actions, Tokiya found that he had the strength to stand before Eien. He wasn't completely back to himself, but at least a part had been restored.
"Yeah, I did."
Eien smirked sadistically.
"Do you not feel guilty? After all, you were the reason Berserker died and the one who's still living."
"Yeah, I do."
Eien was starting to become visibly frustrated. His eyes twitched.
"So then why are you still here? You know that you deserve to die, so tell me why you chose to keep living!"
Tokiya didn't look at the ground and instead stared straight at Eien. There was no longer a need to hide or hesitate, for both of them knew everything about Tokiya Hara. All they were doing was verbalizing these truths.
"Most of the reasons I'm here aren't even because of my own will. Back in that library, I was ready to die multiple times."
Eien leaned forward, trying his best to dig up the exact response he wanted from Tokiya.
"And what about now? Are you still ready to die?"
"I don't know."
Eien smiled at Tokiya's unsure response.
"You don't know. What do you know, Tokiya?"
Tokiya's expression remained stolid and his voice firm. It wasn't the firmness of a strong man, but the firmness of a man who knew everything about their situation. Tokiya knew himself well by now, but he hadn't made a verdict using any of this knowledge. Did he want to die? Did he deserve to die? He couldn't give an answer to these questions. No, not now.
"I know a lot. I know that I'm a failure and that I deserve to be punished and blamed for Berserker's death. I've let countless people down and endangered so many lives. My existence has only brought about pain."
Eien's smile grew wider. Just like before, Tokiya was inching closer and closer to the conclusion he desired.
"And yet, I can't bring myself to want to die anymore. Despite me letting everyone down, they continue to put their worry, effort, and consideration in me. I don't want to let them down one last time. I want to prove to them that their investment in me wasn't a waste."
Eien forcefully grabbed Tokiya by the collar. It seemed like the time for discussion was over.
"You don't seem to clearly remember your place, you farmer."
His words dripped with contempt, but Tokiya did not waver. If Eien wanted to punch him or abuse him in any other way, he'd let him, but he was no longer intimidated, not when Eien was now the one who wanted something from him.
Eien's hand began to shake. His furious gaze stared straight into Tokiya's eyes. Tokiya stood there motionlessly as he spoke.
"What do you want, Eien? If I gave you my body right now, what would you do with it?"
Surprisingly, Eien dropped Tokiya from his grip. He sarcastically clapped his hands together.
"This new version of you, it's so odd because you were just wanting to die a few hours ago. However, I'd be happy to share more information with you, so that I can more easily take over your body."
It was clear that Eien's statement was meant to make Tokiya regret asking the question, but Tokiya didn't care. Eien continued.
"When I take over your body, I'm going to kill Lucian Kaiseris."
Tokiya tensed up. Eien was dead serious when he said that he intended on killing Lucian Kaiseris, the king of Oravell. It was always clear that Eien had a connection to the county of Oravell due to his Oravell plate, but Tokiya never would've guessed he wanted to kill the king. King Lucian wasn't even a corrupt man. He was more mysterious than anything. The only thing he was particularly known for was leading Oravell in the Kankaran war better than any king before him.
"What do you have against King Lucian?"
Tokiya knew asking these types of questions was endangering his life, but his need to have more control in his life overpowered his caution. Eien answered this question, willing to answer all of Tokiya's questions. However, despite Eien's best efforts to hide it, Tokiya could hear a shakiness of unknown origin in his voice.
"He's the reason for everything that's happened to me. You don't know how many times I had to-"
Eien instantly stopped speaking as his left arm became infected by a casing of pink crystals. Tokiya recognized it as the crystals of the eyepatch man. He frantically searched for his former savior, but he was nowhere to be found. At least Tokiya could assume the eyepatch man wasn't dead after getting his head severed.
Eien sucked his teeth.
"There he goes again. He won't even let me answer a simple question."
Eien began to stop speaking but oddly began to grin as if he realized something.
"I suppose I could give you the non-memory evoking answer. I absolutely despise that man. Almost as much as I hate you."
He chuckled before continuing.
"To put that into perspective, let me tell you everything I hate about you."
Tokiya frowned, breaking his solid expression.
"That has nothing to do with-"
He was suddenly interrupted by a light spear that pierced his lower right abdomen. Instead of exploding, the spear simply faded away, but the pain did not. Tokiya gritted his teeth and hurled over. Eien shrugged, smiling sadistically.
"You know I don't like being interrupted. Besides, pain makes it easier to accept truth, and trust me, everything I'm about to say will be true."
Tokiya fell to his knees as his blood assimilated with the water on the ground. Eien grabbed his hair, forcing Tokiya to look at his tormentor.
"Your brave face is gone. I knew it wouldn't last. In fact, bravery and Tokiya Hara don't belong in the same sentence. Not when he admits himself that he's good for nothing other than bringing pain to others. That's what I hate about you. You acknowledge how much suffering you cause but have the nerve to keep on living. Do you know how much of a worthless coward you have to be to cling to a life that serves no purpose, when there are people who if in your position would actually mean something in the world. I could actually mean something! Give me your body, and unlike you, I'd actually have purpose!"
Eien forcefully threw Tokiya to the floor, causing a splash in the bloody water.
"And yet, for some reason, you're still alive. That makes me burn with hatred. It makes no sense how you are in control of this body while your clear superior is forced to watch your worthless life. You claim to keep living because you don't want to let anybody down, but you already have and will continue to. What's worse is that you know all of this and agree with it! What makes you believe that you can actually prove your purpose? You have nothing. You are nothing!"
All the water dissipated in a grand burst as the ground was replaced by a grassy field. Flames spawned all around as if to reflect Eien's deep and personal hatred. Tokiya stared up into the dark, smoke-filled sky. His eyes were narrowed from all the physical pain and pain that came from Eien's truthful words. Eien loomed over him with pure malice.
"Give your body to someone who deserves it, someone with competence, someone who knows what they mean in life. Don't continue to be a waste of space. You need to give up."
Tokiya continued to aimlessly stare upwards, finally overwhelmed with everything. Eien's painfully true words made all of Karasu's caring encouragement seem like nothing but one big fallacy. He could no longer keep up with the constant teetering between wanting to die and wanting to live. His face contorted as he began to scream at only the universe itself. Eien's eyes twitched.
"You don't get to scream like you're a victim in all of this. I hate it! There's nothing I hate more than pitiful things. I despise it! I despise you!"
Tokiya began to roll about on the ground with his hands on his head and blood leaking from his abdomen. His screams were those of pure confusion as he questioned everything about his life. However, the more Tokiya screamed, the more Eien's blood boiled. Eventually, in the middle of Tokiya's fit, something fell from the inside of his jacket.
It was a small bracelet made of colorful painted blocks. Engraved on four of the blocks were the letters "T", "J", "T", and "K". There was something about the bracelet that calmed Tokiya, not because of some comforting voice like Karasu's, but because it reminded him of something. Tokiya slowly reached out to the bracelet almost in a hypnotic state. Eien scowled.
Tokiya's fingers wrapped around the bracelet as he curled into a ball on the ground. He pulled it close and held it against his chest like a lifeline. His jaw was still clenched to bear the pain. However, the more he held the precious object, the less comforting it became. It began to cause more tumultuous thoughts to arise in his head. Tokiya's lips began to quiver as he began to speak.
"I'm tired and confused and just done. I never wanted to hurt anyone. It's not fair! Why did it have to be me? Why did I have to be the one to get a life like this? I never did anything to deserve this!"
Eien forcefully kicked grassy dirt at Tokiya.
"That's exactly the problem! You don't do anything! The world would lose nothing if you disappeared right now! You deserve everything that has happened to you because all you do is feed off the sympathy and efforts of others while giving nothing in return!"
Tokiya's grip on the bracelet tightened, for it really was the only thing keeping him alive. However, this very action was proving Eien's point. All he was doing was clinging to the support of three little kids who foolishly believed in a failure like him. Tokiya wanted to let go, and he knew that if he did, he would surely die. His grip loosened.
Eien's body tensed with a hatred that had consumed his body for years.
"What do you even live for?"
It was a simple question. Anyone who lacked an answer to this question had nothing in life and therefore had no reason to live. Tokiya knew this well. The colorful bracelet didn't look so bright anymore, and it was barely hanging onto his fingers. Tokiya stared at it as he watched it slowly lose color in his eyes. He began to see the faces of the three children in the bracelet.
Kiria's cute and innocent blush faded. Twist's confidence in Tokiya's abilities vanished. Justin's admiration disappeared. In Tokiya's vision of the children, their hearts were visibly broken. He began to see more people. Mr. Shaut and Gremory's expressions were filled with failure. Berserker was overcome with disappointment. The eyepatch man sighed with some undetectable emotion. And Karasu simply turned her back to him, scoffing at a failure that was too much for even her to continue comforting.
This reality scared Tokiya. Allowing a reality where these people realized the waste of their efforts and love to come true would be Tokiya's failure. Tokiya couldn't imagine someone in his position having the audacity to permit such a thing to happen. Tokiya clenched the bracelet.
Eien sucked his teeth as Tokiya staggered to his feet. He hated how Tokiya could have the nerve to stand in front of him at a moment like this. Before he could act, Tokiya spoke.
"I'll answer your question, Eien. I've never lived for anything, always looking for someone to serve or a purpose to fulfill."
Tokiya scoffed at himself.
"So yeah, I do deserve this. But there are people who, for some reason, refuse to give up on me. I don't understand it, but I have to accept that they do. What I can't accept is me. The person I am right now isn't worthy of their support, so I'm going to change. I'm not going to just live. I'm going to live with a purpose. I'm going to live for them, not for me."
With his grip on the bracelet as tight as ever, Tokiya brought it to his heart and stared Eien straight in his eyes.
"The people in my hometown admire me. Gremory loves me. Berserker protected me. The man with the eyepatch believes in me. Karasu cares for me. It's because of everything that these people feel for me that I'll continue to live. They are my purpose."
Eien's face contorted as he took a forceful step forward. The flames around the two were simultaneously dying down and raging stronger, which resulted in a more chaotic scene.
"That's idiotic! Living because people want you to doesn't count! That's not purpose, it's an excuse!"
Tokiya frowned.
"You don't get to decide that for me. This isn't your life. It's mine."
Eien laughed manically.
"Are you serious? You call this life yours after you just declared your purpose as living for other people! This has to be a joke!"
Tokiya hesitated to respond. He remembered the words of the person who gave their everything to him and sacrificed their life. But despite the words of that person, he had no other answer to his solution, so he didn't ignore those words, but forced them away instead.
"I-I don't care what you say. This is still my life. I'm not being replaced. At least I'm living for other people instead of just for myself."
"You know nothing! You know nothing about my life! You're just going to die again without having done anything all because you think just surviving means purpose!"
"I know I'm going to fail, but when I do, I'm going to have people to remind me why I have to keep on going."
Eien grabbed Tokiya's throat with a grip that was beyond human.
"Ack!"
"Is this supposed to be your big breakthrough? If this is the lesson that your nineteen years of life have taught you, then it'd be better to just restart."
Tokiya grabbed Eien's wrist and struggled against his grip. Eien raised his other hand as spears of light formed above Tokiya.
"Ah-aaah..."
"You're pathetic."
Eien brought down his hand, and the spears fell onto Tokiya, impaling him. Tokiya ferociously bled out, and soon his lifeless body hung in Eien's grip. Even though Eien had "killed" Tokiya, it wasn't enough to curb his hatred for the persistent, foolish failure. He dropped the body to the floor and detonated the spears.