Summary:She has started to think of this as a dance.
Anakin would have laughed at that. Vader doesn't.
Chapter 1: BalletNotes:I really like time loops, angst is good too.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
The scene resets again. Ahsoka stands on shaky ground - not yet but it will be soon, she knows, its fallen apart enough times she can practically see the fault lines - the temple's darkness lit only by saberlight, white and red.
Malachor is a terrible planet.
It's time to respond, she knows, three heartbeats of waiting, that's the rhythm of this dance.
"Then I will avenge his death!" She declares to Vader, the monster she thought she knew, once, a lifetime ago.
Maybe a lifetime here too, if time means anything anymore.
"Revenge is not the Jedi way." The correct response, it's always the same, he never changes except in response to what she does.
Vader doesn't loop.
Once a spec of blue showed through terrible golden eyes, when she cut the mask.
She wonders what it would mean if Anakin does.
"I am no Jedi."
The dance begins, block high, slash middle, flip her shoto grip to catch Vader's blade inches from her neck.
He only goes for killing blows. Never anything that would hurt, only what would end things permanently, quickly.
It is probably supposed to be a kindness.
Vader is known for being decisive, but not like that.
She flips over his head, blocking his sweep - lateral cut, would have bisected her head to groin - with a flourish, and lands grinning. One hundred and thirty eight seconds after the reset Ezra will get the holocron and the collapse will begin. Another forty and he'll be on the Phantom, Kanan in tow. A minute more and they'll have broken atmosphere before Vader can pull the ship down with Anakin's unreasonably strong force power.
She does not like how precise she knows the timing on that. She usually keeps Vader busy enough that it doesn't matter anyway. It's only been thirty.
Block left, feint up and dodge right. Backflip because she can and it will give her distance.
Vader is an indomitable wall. She has broken it before. A score of times but twice that matter.
Sparks and broken prosthetics explained the suit.
A broken mask, a saber to the chest - center left, pierced lung, non-fatal with treatment - and a head cradled in her lap gave her blue-speckled hope, once, before the raging tide of gold resurfaced. She probably deserved that particular coup-de-grace, he'd still had his saber, and chest-wounds hurt.
Dash forward, feint for the legs, pull a chunk of rock she knows from experience is loose towards him from behind. Press the attack, keep him on defense, roll to the side because the boulder has finished flying.
He bats it down, she was a second too early on disengaging and Vader has excellent situational awareness.
It's better than them both being crushed by the thing, which happened once and was awful.
She continues the roll, sweeping up in an Aratu flourish that barely stops her from getting skewered - center-right, heart, lethal - Vader is relentless, that used to be endearing. Before it was Vader.
She smiles sadly, switching to a Soresu form her grandmaster insisted that she master. Vader growls, recognising the shift and thinking of the same person.
That's the first noise either has made since the beginning. She wants to banter, she can't think of anything original, not that he'd remember that it wasn't.
She blocks a horizontal swing with both blades, steps back, stumbles. Vader takes the opportunity to shove her off a ledge with the force. It's a relatively short drop, only a few dozen feet, and it won't do much more than inconvenience her, even if she lands badly like the first time.
They both know it.
Vader walks away, towards the escaping duo. It's too early, he'll catch up with them. She can't let that happen.
It doesn't matter if he does. They will reset anyway. She could just lie here, a few minutes and then she would 'lose.'
Everything would begin again.
She is exhausted. She's barely breathing hard. She takes twenty seconds because she knows they can be spared.
She gets up, and vaults back to the platform.
She catches up as Vader is about to pull the holocron from Ezra's grip. Dash, leap, twirl, slash and she's cut off the upper-right quadrant of his mask again.
If she twisted her wrist properly in that move she could take off his head. She has never tried.
"Ahsoka!" two voices call, three if the sparking vocoder counts. "Come on! Hurry!" One continues.
"Anakin." She knows her lines by now. "I won't leave you! Not this time."
It is far, far truer than he could possibly know.
His eyes are gold. They are always gold. Those specks of blue were her imagination.
It wasn't, they were real but it's hard to remember that looking now, harder to believe it.
Hardest to believe who Vader really is even though she knows beyond all doubt.
She reaches out through the force, pushing at the broken bond they once shared, master and padawan. She finds a storm raging in the desert. He reignits his lightsaber.
"Then you will die."
"Ahsoka!"
She pushes Ezra back with the force, tossing him far enough towards Kanan, towards the ship, towards freedom that he won't get back through the blast doors before they close.
Block behind, catch a saber-lock, twist and slash, repeat. Roll out of the followthrough.
The door is closed. It is done.
'This is where the fun begins'
The thought slips unbidden across her mind. She wants to laugh, she wants to cry.
She does both and Vader pauses for a heartbeat, midstroke.
It's going for her neck, again, something she can block with ease and they both know it. She doesn't, she steps back out of the way instead. Vader flows with the momentum, despite expecting another blade-lock he's a good enough duelist to adapt without a break in stride, resetting to a form V opening stance.
He taught her everything she knows about that form.
She stares at him, he doesn't move. Vader is a mountain, of course he doesn't move. If he did the world would have to move with him. She is probably hysterical.
She stopped counting somewhere around the three hundredth loop. She deserves to be a little hysterical.
She powers down her sabers, moves forward.
Vader looks incredulous.
She leaps forward, dodging a blow that would cut her in half, rolls, and pounces up to greet Anakin Skywalker - because no matter what he claims that is the same person as Vader - in a bear hug.
A moment later a crimson blade enters her side, angling up, piercing her heart.
She stares Anakin in his one visible eye. The gold is dimmer. More so than can be explained by the blackness overtaking her vision.
He looks like he might cry.
She has no idea if that is progress. If it is, he won't remember in a moment.
________
" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
The dance begins anew.
Notes:If I write a second part to this, it will be happy.
Edit: I may have lied
Chapter 2: WaltzSummary:Over and over again.
Ahsoka just wants to See him when she looks, but there is the mask.
Notes:(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter TextBeing stabbed in the heart is really one of the best ways to die. Less disorienting that beheading, Vader's other go-to choice.
The boulder thing was definitely the worst.
'Then I will avenge his death' that's the line, she knows, she's said it enough times.
But the bewildered-heartbroken-something look on Anakin's face when she hugged him before the last reset is still in her mind.
It has been four heartbeats, she is late.
"Then I will avenge his death." Nobody else notices the delay.
"Revenge is not the Jedi way."
'Neither is attachment' Ahsoka thinks and has no idea for which of them that rebuke is for.
It's definitely both.
"There are no Jedi." She says, which is not the right line, she thinks she's said it before though. Everything is starting to blend together in her head.
"There won't be." The Emperor's mad dog declares decisively. She closes her eyes, breathes, 'what is the point of all this anymore.'
"Ahsoka!" Ezra shouts, probably because a saber wielding Sith is striding towards her while she has her eyes closed and is not visibly preparing to defend herself.
She lets him run her through. It doesn't matter anyway.
_____
" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
Again. It is always again.
"He was the strongest person I knew." She says without waiting the heartbeats. It's probably true, she can't remember anymore.
"Then you were a fool!" The derision is palpable. She wonders how much is self loathing, probably most of it.
"I loved you, you were my brother."
Ezra looks distraught on the ground by Vader's feet. He didn't know that.
The pulse of anger-fury-betrayal that Vader projects through the force nearly staggers her, the rapid hammer blows of his lightsaber onto her barely prepared guard actually do.
This rage isn't something new. She's seen it before, she has seen so very much before so 'why can't she fix it, why can't she help, why does he still hate-burn-rage.'
He is still projecting emotions, Anakin was always terrible at shielding, Vader is usually better but that's mostly due to the desert storm of anger that's always simmering.
She can see the fires of Mustafar, Padme on the ground, Obi-wan a traitor - which is wrong - she wants to protest but can't because Vader's hammer blows are still falling and it's taking all her concentration to deflect them.
Her grandmasters taunting. Jumping. Pain, fire, burning, hatred.
'You were my brother Anakin, I loved you!' it echoes through everyone's head.
She can feel his grief, through time and space.
Or maybe it's just her own. Master Kenobi should have finished him off, it would have been a mercy. She knows why he couldn't, their lineage was terrible with attachment.
Ezra is vomiting on the ground. Ahsoka is tempted to join him.
'There is no passion, there is serenity.'
She isolates the emotions which are hers alone, examines them for surprises, finds none, she has been here before.
Releases them into the force, then she summons all the love-adoration-comradery she can muster and shoves them into Anakin's mind through the tatters of their bond.
Vader pauses his blows, she takes a step back.
Her wrists ache from turning so many heavy strikes. That will reset soon. It always does.
"What are you doing." The voice from Vader's vocoder demands coldly.
'What is Anakin's voice doing, under that.' She wonders. Maybe it's the same. 'Maybe it isn't.'
She wants very badly to look him in his own eyes.
She wants to hug him again, she wants him to hug her back. She wants to laugh, wants to cry, wants to scream. She does nothing.
This is very far off script now, it has been for a while.
"I don't know." She answers honestly, whispers.
Vader is still the desert storm. Still fury, rage, and pain-pain-agony but just stands there, waiting.
She waits too. "I do love you, Anakin. Still."
He doesn't move. Anger is building towards a crescendo because that's the probably the only emotion he's letting himself feel.
He is still for three heartbeats.
That is the rhythm of this dance.
Ezra finally gets up, he is late, very late, and begins to run.
The sound of his footsteps spurs Vader into action, and their blades clash once more.
They've done this so many times now she isn't even sure why anymore.
A moments hesitation and she is run through.
He is looking down at her, gasping on the ground. He expected her to dodge, deflect, evade, something. She could have, and they both know it.
'Did she even want to.'
He missed her heart this time, only grazed the organ, still a lethal wound but much slower, and it hurts far more. Vader kneels beside her, waiting.
Three heartbeats. pain.
Finally. "Anakin loved you too Snips. But I am not him. Not anymore."
She doesn't believe that he isn't. She can't get the words out through the pain in her lungs so she projects intent through the force.
She reaches out for Vader's mask but her hand falls, her arm can't support its weight. Anakin catches it in a gloved prosthetic and interlaces their fingers. He takes off his helmet with the other hand, looks her in the eyes, summons one of her sabers, and gets her heart properly this time.
Rivers of Gold, let me grow old
Specks of Blue, who are you
—-
" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
Notes:I am not sorry. I should be.
Chapter 3: TangoSummary:Is there a point to any of this?
Is there a reason to try?
Notes:(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter TextShe can't do this.
She has to.
Three heartbeats.
"Then I will avenge his death!"
She does not want vengeance.
"Revenge is not the Jedi way."
By the end, did even the Jedi know their way?
'Barriss didn't think so, she was probably right.'
"I am no Jedi."
Ahsoka blocks strike after strike at the last possible moment, not bothering to return any blows.
She doesn't want to be here.
Vader thinks he is winning, that she has no room for counters. He has forgotten her, in his anger.
He is very surprised when, after nearly a minute and a half of near misses and scarce deflections, Ahsoka gets him in a brief saberlock, and with a modified, misaimed Shii-cho flourish that Anakin himself used once before, severs both of his prosthetics at the wrist.
She does not grab his far-flung lightsaber, she already has a second.
He does not fall to his knees. The Hero With No Fear is no base coward, not by a long shot. The mask is steady.
Time is about to reset, one of them has won, that's what happens after. Or anyway.
'Where would we go from here' Ahsoka wonders 'if it didn't reset.'
The temple shakes, begins to collapse, Ezra has the holocron. She powers down the sabers and sits on the unsteady floor, patting the spot next to her. They have about two minutes.
Vader doesn't sit. He just stares at her. Hate-rage-embarrassment floods the room. 'He really has terrible shields.'
She lies on her back. "Come on Skyguy, you know I don't bite." She tries to project nonchalance and mostly succeeds.
His aura changes to confusion-rage-bafflement at least. 'Good enough.'
"That is a lie." Anakin says slowly, still unmoving. Apparently unwilling to get out of the exact pose he was in when she took matters into her own hands, so to speak. His tone is hard to read through Vader's vocoder but he is, factually, correct.
His aura changes too, anger and confusion slowly rising in equal measure. The latter usually led to the former, in her experience with Anakin.
"I'll only bite if you ask nicely." Demurring is not really her style, neither is lying, which this still is, and they both know it.
Anakin is very much her older brother, so it's also very weird and she immediately regrets saying anything. 'Why is this so difficult. What am I meant to do.'
From Vader's step backwards he agrees.
'Am I having a mental breakdown?' Ahsoka wonders, possibly aloud.
'Yes.' She decides rather quickly and starts to giggle. 'Definitely hysteria, maybe even mania.'
Their part of the floor chooses that moment to collapse, plunging them both down and…
Well it's been a very long day.
———-
" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
It isn't true. Not really, not forever.
Hope-need-faith
Three heartbeats.
She remembers the most recent scene and laughs, again. Vader takes offense.
_______
" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
Maybe he has. 'Does it matter'
Nine heartbeats. She is so tired.
"Then I will avenge his death." It is the line, she has to say it.
Ahsoka looks around. Nothing has changed.
"Revenge is not the Jedi Way." Vader is correct, and on course with the new timing. The beat of rest doing nothing to fate, the dance may proceed.
"What is the Jedi way now, Anakin? What is the point? They are all dead."
"Not all of them." He is walking towards her.
Moving meditation, flowing Soresu forms. She disengages Vader's strikes at every opportunity. He thinks she is stalling. She is, but not for the reason he has in mind.
'Dance the world away.'
Thrown off the platform once more. Ahsoka has twenty seconds to breathe. She is not out of breath.
She has been fighting for days.
Vault, sprint, dash, leap, twirl, and cut. She does not flick her wrist, it would have been easy.
Anakin's right eye is visible again. Nothing has changed.
Ezra is shouting for her to go with them. She probably could. She won't, she promised. Some things must be sacred. 'They have to be.'
Ahsoka uses the force to push Ezra back behind the closing blast doors.
'She skipped her line, Vader hasn't moved yet.'
"Ahsoka." Anakin's voice, the dying rasp of Vader's vocoder.
"Anakin." All of Malachor is a stage.
"I made a promise." She tells him, he doesn't remember it, for all that this is the same room.
Vader is enraged, misunderstanding, and he tries to kill her. What else is new? She rolls under a swing, switches both sabers to a forwards grip, reconsiders, puts her offhand away, and tries what little she remembers of Mace Windu's group Vaapad lessons from when she was an initiate.
If she can just take some of that anger away.
Panic-fear-terror
Palpatine helpless under a purple blade. Anakin projects far more than he seems to know. It could have been over before it began.
Action, the vision overwhelming, lightning. Power and pain. It takes a second to realize that Anakin has cut off her right hand, the same place as Windu's. He has never done that before, never tried to maim her. And he is more than good enough to avoid accidents. Not flashbacks, apparently.
They pause. It isn't as painful as she expected, that's probably shock. Anakin looks just as surprised.
"Ahsoka!" There is something in that voice, something behind those eyes. She hopes that it's real. She doesn't know what to say.
"I won't leave you! Not this time, not the next, never again!" She still has her lines, misplaced this time around. But the dance goes on regardless. 'Can she even keep that promise.'
'Do. Or do not.'
"Then you must die."
It isn't remorse, not quite.
Peace, serenity, acceptance. 'Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.'
She opens what is left of her arms, raises her head, bares her throat. Ahsoka opens herself to the force completely, she does not try to fight him.
Gold, gold, gold.
Arcing crimson, with roiling emotion.
It doesn't make a difference.
_________
" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
Notes:It takes two.
Chapter 4: SambaNotes:(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text'There is no emotion; there is peace.'
One heartbeat.
'There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.'
Two heartbeats
'There is no passion; there is serenity.'
Three heartbeats
"Then I will avenge his death!"
'There is no death; there is the force .'
Irony. Tragedy.
"Revenge is not the Jedi way."
"I am no Jedi."
That might be true. Ahsoka doesn't know if she believes or not anymore.
They clash. Again.
Ezra gets to the holocron room while she and Vader near the edge of a platform.
Again.
She stumbles, because she is supposed to, and is pushed off the ledge onto another down below.
Again.
'How many agains has it been .'
She takes twenty seconds because they can be spared. Vaults back to the ledge, and gives chase.
Again.
Dash, leap, twirl, slash.
Once more, with passion.
Eye contact, golden, terrible.
"Ahsoka!" Two and a half voices call. "Hurry! Come on!" One continues. Forever.
"Anakin." She says, because she is supposed to. But is she? Because maybe it isn't! What if something else was her line and that's why is this 'again dear Force why does this keep happening, why can't it end, why does it keep starting over, why can't I die in a way that means anything? Why won't it end!'
Has she already, is this forever? The unifying force, eternal.
Vader pauses, Ezra chokes.
She said all that aloud.
Well. 'In everything, an opportunity.'
She tosses Ezra towards the Phantom, the Force snapping to her will with gusto, the blast doors are already closing.
"Can I get a hug, Anakin? It was nice, last time."
He tries to cut her in half again. She dodges, she gets her hug. And stabbed, again.
So very many, agains .
——-
" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
"Yes. You did."
'Wrong '
"I am more powerful than any Jedi."
'Debatable'
She waits for the last heartbeat.
"Prove it."
He tries.
Master Yoda's thoughts on that float once again through her mind. She laughs. 'That is laughter, right? ' He wins.
Hate-burn-rage.
Despair-desperation-love .
———
" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
Three heartbeats. Wait for the melody.
"I don't believe you."
She doesn't.
"You are letting your emotions cloud your judgment, Jedi."
She is.
Ahsoka wonders if Anakin's voice is gently chiding, behind Vader's imposing vocoder.
"I am no Jedi."
That's the line, they are back on script.
Block high, slash middle, flip her shoto grip to catch Vader's blade inches from her neck.
Wait
Leap, flip, block and land behind him.
Wait
Block left, feint up and dodge right. Backflip because she can and it will give her distance.
Wait
Step to the left, flourish, because she is early.
Dash forward, feint for the legs. Pull the loose boulder towards them both. Press the attack, keep him on defense.
Weight.
Roll left, let him bat the boulder out of the air with the force. It sails off into the distance. Complete the roll. Flourish, to avoid getting skewered.
Rise in Soresu. Growl. They do that one together this time.
Block a horizontal swing with both blades, step back, she is supposed to stumble so she does. Vader takes the opportunity to shove her off a ledge with the force.
Triple backflip, maintain lateral rotation. Land with grace. Cocked head, eye contact.
She curtsies, mocking.
Hate-burn-rage. His mind is a desert storm on the rise.
Vader leaps down after her. Graceless, efficient. Anakin would have hated it.
"Come on Skyguy, where's the style?"
"Anakin Skywalker was weak! I destroyed him!"
That's not where that line fits. Another misstep in this dance. It sounds like a mantra. Maybe a prayer.
Deflect down and left, strike center, fall back a step to maintain guard. Twist, block behind, kick out a leg. Metal hurts but the pain will reset soon.
Press the attack, feint up, push the ground out from under him. Swing center with both blades. Unbalanced block, he is pushed back, falling over the next ledge to the one below. 'Never been there before.' She knows why he won't flip and flourish.
Fire-pain-burning
Ache-torture-spasm
Despair-bereavement-loss
Hate-rage-fury
Betrayal that was, and equally, was not.
Vader is terrible at shielding emotions, this place amplifies them.
Or maybe those are hers? Hope is the friend with feathers, that's probably responsible for this. Spite.
The temple starts to collapse, Ezra has the holocron.
Vader floats back up, because he's still a show off. Backspring, to get distance.
Neither of them see the entire falling platform, dislodged by an errant boulder, now sent on its way by tremors, until just too late.
Pain-pain-pain
——-
" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
Anger-pain-fury.
Love-loss-wrath.
Agony-love-desperation.
Panic-fear-love
Rage-apathy-despair
Inhale
Exhale.
Love, Love, Love.
Just listen to the rhythm of her heart.
Ahsoka feels so very many things.
Being crushed is the worst way to go. But all of Malachor takes the cake. She hates it here.
She Hates.
Hates
"You are destroying me!" Ahsoka snaps, finally.
Out of the proper time, but speaking anyway because it is true. "But I didn't want to leave you then, and I will not leave you now!"
Three hearts beat to different songs.
"I wanted to go back home, I wanted to stay!" Because she is sure now, she wasn't before, thought leaving the temple might help. It didn't. "Why didn't you stop me!" She demands, which isn't fair.
But then, neither was Knightfall.
She is very nearly screaming at Anakin. Heartbeats' too fast, the rhythm lost. Ezra looks poleaxed. Why is it so cold?
Vader's mask is reflective.
"Oh."
Oh no.
.
.
.
It is a Sith temple, after all.
She has to get away so Ahsoka sprints back the way she came, the road untraveled.
Vocoded laughter is haunting.
Flecks of Gold, it is so very cold
Rivers of Blue, what can I do
Footsteps are approaching, solemn, inevitable. She's curled up against a wall.
"Peace is a lie, there is only passion." The sound of the vocoder digs into her brain like her claws do her face.
"Through passion, you gain strength. Through strength you gain power." The vocoder is gone, Vader's helmet is off.
"Through power, you gain victory. Through victory, your chains are broken."
Anakin is right in front of her now, kneeling to eye level. She looks, she can't help it.
"The force shall set you free, padawan mine."
No.
A familiar, comforting, hand cups her cheek. The same eyes meet.
"And I won't let you leave again."
Oh.
She wants that.
Rivers of Gold, and all that you hold
Rivers of Blue, is this all I can do
Specks of Blue, there can be only two
Specks of Gold, fortune favors the bold
Notes:Samba: possibly from Semba, loosely, and through implication can mean: An invitation (to dance).
Chapter 5: SwingSummary:Twice more, with feeling.
It's time to let go.
Notes:(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter TextAhsoka can't breathe.
She promised. She'd meant it.
She can't …
This isn't right, it isn't what she wanted. But Anakin is holding her face and it is just like before, and it is him! He is in there.
Why …
Does it have to be this way? Maybe.
Ezra is shouting her name, running stupidly after them instead of focusing on the mission. Vader ignites and throws his lightsaber without looking, he doesn't need to.
'This weapon is your life, Snips. '
Ezra falls over dead. Vader was only ever toying with him. They all knew it.
No.
No this isn't right, this isn't what she wanted. She is leaning into Anakin's hand anyway. Shelter in a blizzard it is so very cold.
It feels.
It is too much and it is wrong, and this is not what she meant, not what she wanted! But oh, Force it is close enough.
No.
Some part of her is repeating that like an oath, quieter, fading.
The hand is warm. It's a prosthetic, that doesn't make sense.
It is still true.
Ahsoka desperately wants to hate this. To resent it. She wants to be disgusted, afraid, enraged.
She is none of those things. She takes his hand and holds it over her frantic heart, and leans forward. Pressing their foreheads together like they used to for comfort, for mediation, years ago.
Master and padawan.
Master and apprentice.
No!
Her lineage has never been good at letting go of attachments. This is the very sweetest of nightmares.
Twenty seven rapid heartbeats.
Anakin was never good at Jedi mediation. Ahsoka thinks Vader might be very good at the Sith equivalent.
All his emotions are still there, shouting, but she can see how they are arrayed now, like armor, like a sandstorm. Pain is effervescent, and a low burning anger holds the heart together. Eddies of fury swirl motes of despair-regret-sadness. Keeping it away.
The feelings storm outside, she is in the eye of it, their old bond sings and it is oh so beautiful.
Nine heartbeats, slowing.
The anger doesn't bite anymore, the pain is a mere ache. The fury is a tide, carefully controlled. The motes of what emotions Anakin can't survive are buffeted along, impotent within Vader's grasp.
Ahsoka is quietly crying. Anakin's tears are all internal.
This is not what she wanted. She has it anyway. This is the longest they've gone without a reset. She wants to stay like this forever.
"Ahsoka. Good, you will join me. Together we will be unstoppable." Anakin's words are far away, outside the shared storm, outside their heads. She wants to, wherever he goes, she isn't leaving again. Promise.
The wintery force rings with the Truth of all those declarations.
'But like this?'
The storm of his emotions tug at hers, consuming them, washing them away, a golden river leaving the bank untouched, unharmed. She is her own hurricane now, controlled and:
'There is peace at the heart of the storm.
All knowledge has hidden depth, unknowable.
The flow of passion is its own serenity.
Chaos is just a harmony existing at a higher order, unperceived.'
"Anakin." She breathes, he is here, he is real, he remembers. He cares.
The cool sandstorm of his presence is so very soothing. Why hadn't she noticed that before?
He lets her mind go, his shields retreating, hers are in place. The panic is long gone.
No! A very distant voice cries to be heard, echoing in the depths of her self. Ahsoka knows that she has Fallen before, on Mortis. She can't recall the memory, why would she have wanted to forget something like this.
She moves slowly, hugs him, crawls most of the way into his lap, he holds on, supporting her, he is smiling. 'This is real.'
Whispers in the dark, a phantom hand shaking her shoulder. Across time and space, someone is crying for her, old wings are quiet. Now Ahsoka remembers the first time she Fell. It wasn't as good, it wasn't as pure, it was not ecstasy. This is ecstasy.
Three heartbeats.
Birdsong. Why is there birdsong?
A light dances out of sight. She knows why there is birdsong.
Ahsoka closes golden eyes as Morai calls again, calling only for her. Two paths diverge in a Sith hellhole.
And she?
Falling is always a Choice, this is not the only way.
"Anakin. I'm so sorry." He is unarmed, unsuspecting, content, triumphant, and almost happy again. Ahsoka draws a lightsaber - white, pure, cleansed - and in a single smooth motion, cuts Darth Vader in half through the chest.
Opens her eyes.
Oceans of Blue, I have to
Oceans of Gold, you always hated the cold
Stars of Gold, why is this how it's told
Stars of Blue, I still love you.
______
" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
Ahsoka smiles, bright and full of fangs.
"No. You didn't."
It's true! They aren't different.
Fury-pain-wrath
It is almost cute, in its way.
"I am Darth Vader." He strides forward, crimson light illuminating everything.
"I know. Care to dance, Skyguy?"
Vader strikes like a thunderbolt, she has already moved away. A flash of blades, the briefest touch, gentle sparks, and her sabers heat, turned down as if for sparring is warming the back of his suit against his spine. Her shoto holding his blade out of position. A brief caress. Point.
It is always the same opening move. It would be stranger if she couldn't counter. She steps aside. "I'll even lead if you want." Teasing, it enrages him. Everything enrages him. He cannot afford another emotion.
He swings, frantic, furious. Predictable.
She twists his blade away with her shoto, again, her main saber flashing out to caress the edge of Vader's helmet. Point.
Confusion-rage-disquiet
Joy-playfighting-love
Ahsoka arches back and handsprings away because she can. Narrowly avoiding a counterstroke that aims to kill.
Vader charges like a tsunami. She flows around him. They have been fighting for so long, she knows him.
Almost as well as she knows herself.
"Anakin." She says "I've missed this." Which is true.
For all that this hellscape has been her life for an age, this is the first time the duel was fun.
'Your focus determines your reality.'
She bares her teeth again, a predator's smile, a threat display. The Anakin of her youth knew what it meant, that she would tease, and sass, and snip, and cajole until she got exactly what she wanted. Usually something a bit silly, she'd been a teenager after all.
Anakin never really hated it, whatever he said.
Vader can't feel anything else. He could, but his control is impeccable. He won't, not in the depths of him.
He emotes fury-longing-rage and swings to match.
She counters his blade with style. Shii-cho because it's fun and she likes it for all that it's an awful counter to Vader's form. Amusement-cockiness-pride.
She nearly loses her head for that one. Ahsoka laughs, and Vader stiffens. He does not know how to react to any of this.
'All I am surrounded by is fear, and dead men.' Echoes from the past. Echoes of the future.
Ahsoka feels content, and she projects it through the force so that he knows.
She is supposed to get thrown soon, so she rolls closer to the edge, awaiting Vader's onslaught. It comes exactly as expected: fury-bewilderment-disquiet. He isn't trying to project, he is doing an admirable job of keeping her mind out of his.
But Ahsoka knows him, she has seen the whole of him. He can't hide from her.
Rolling into Soresu she counters once, twice, and instead of stumbling she sweeps Vader's legs out from under him with a kick. He crashes to the ground.
His retaliatory force-shove sends her over the edge.
Loathing-longing-hate
Exhilaration-love-joy
She makes sure he feels it.
She lands in a roll, and springs to her feet, sabers ready though she doesn't need them down here. The perfect Aratu recovery, unwatched because Vader has already turned to chase down Ezra. Now more confusion than anger. Ahsoka was wrong before, thisis ecstasy.
She has twenty seconds. And spends them well.
At just the right time she catches up. Dash, leap, twirl. But she left her sabers on her belt, and the slash is of claws gently caressing the top of Vader's helmet. She lands beyond him. Playful-happy-relaxed.
Ahsoka doesn't need to see Anakin's eyes. She knows them. A broken mirror, inverted. Her equal and opposite. Blue, and Gold.
"Ahsoka!" Two voices, distinct. "Hurry! Come on!" Ezra still thinks she is going to leave.
She will, eventually, but not that way. That's not how this goes.
There is peace;
There is knowledge;
There is serenity;
There is the Force.
And joy, and belonging, laughter, acceptance, and love.
And not this crude matter.
But first, she deserves to be a little selfish. To hold on to her final, strongest attachment just a little longer.
It was only ever attachment. That's all it was. All It still is.
"Run, Ezra. Please." Calm-serene-content. She sends her feelings to both of them. It is the first time she has addressed Ezra in a great many cycles, he listens.
Ahsoka draws one blade, does not ignite it, and looks past Vader's mask. "Would you ever forgive me, if I let you go?"
Desperation-rage-confusion
Fear-longing-anger
She wraps Anakin in a blanket of her soul. 'I love you ' and he must know that it is true.
It very nearly overwhelms Vader's careful control of his emotional sandstorm. Grief .
The blast door slams shut. Final, but not. Anakin will not survive without Vader holding the reins, that is what he meant by weakness. If she struck either down, they would be gone forever. The Force cries, it is not the right time. There will be Another, A new hope! She trusts to it's light. She has to let go.
"The light will be extinguished Ahsoka. You will die. You must." Solemn, heartbroken.
'There is no death, there is the Force. ' Balanced.
He is holding on to himself by a thread. She cannot cut it. It is not to be, it is not her place. It wouldn't work, they'd just start all over again.
She ignites her lone saber, white meets with red. Bleeding hearts the both of them, she recognises whose crystal bled for that crimson now. She'd left it behind two lifetimes ago. 'Attachment, forgiveness.'
Ahsoka matches Vader's stance exactly. And for a time, they are stroke for stroke.
He is the better duelist, if measured like this, it's not her forte, her left side is poorly defended.
Pain is temporary.
_____
" -was weak! I destroyed him!"
'From a certain point of view.'
One last round. The same as the first go. She can't be selfish forever.
'Could. Won't.'
They dance, one last time.
And at the end. Ahsoka stabs her blades into the floor and in so doing sets him free. Finally, she lets Anakin go.
'Luminous beings are we.'
She is prepared. It is finished. Serenity.
.
.
.
Then, unexpectedly, a familiar hand from nowhere pulls her through nothing into a place that is not. Birdsong, and two old friends.
It is over now. Something else begins.
Notes:So, cannon complaint. I guess?