Patrice looks at me suspiciously. I think she knows. I smell of smoke and guilt.
I do feel guilty, but not for the killing. I wish I did.
because of the burning of the boat. We had to be another both because apparently the ship was loaning some seats for passengers when they would return home.
To think that if I didn't wait, I would probably have burned us all to the ground, drowning us into the ocean, because I wouldn't have been able to keep my anger in check until I killed everyone on board.
I do not know what this rage is or where it is coming from, but it feels potent and clean and strangely familiar.
Helena and the little boy, whose name I now finally know is Jacob, are both playing with dice at the back of the ship. She cried a lot when she first woke up. All she did when she first woke up, was latching on to my chest, hanging on to me until she collapsed again.
She warned suspiciously quickly to the boy, which further confirms my theory that they are siblings.
My chest does squeeze and I lurch upright seeing the two of them together. My hand touches her shoulder and she turnsgives me a glad smile and moves her into the room that we both got. Patrice wanted to be with Jacob, so we got the smaller bed.
I crane my neck to see beyond the doorframe she's currently hovering over. I don't need to see her face to realize that she is thinking about how small that bed is and how both of us staying together makes her feelings way more complicated.
I chant with almost a taunting note, "I know what you want…"
I kiss her gently on the shoulder. She snorts, "No, you don't." I give her a knowing smirk, tilting my head towards her lips. She slightly frowns, angling herself away from me. "Maybe we shouldn't sleep together today."
"If you want to sleep with Jacob and Patricia, then you go right ahead. I'll spread myself around this bed." I waggle my eyebrows, grinning, and it feels real. It feels genuine.
I touch her crude cuts, untaming her hair. I slightly wincing at the motion. That I might have made her uncomfortable.
She has so much sadness in her eyes. "I'm so sorry." I tell her although I know it won't return her hair. She tries to wipe off the very first tear that falls, but there are more to follow.
My hug swallows her whole. She is like the soft warm light in my chest. I cradle her into bed, peppering small kisses on her body. I just content to lie like that for hours and hours.
***
Somehow Patrice got me a new set of clothes. Just a pair of slacks and a doublet with a tight fit to it. I was letting Helena sleep while I was below deck, some of the passengers lingering.
I was busy trying to figure out how to do a sailor's knot when I felt someone's eyes on me.
She has that pucker to her brow as if she's trying to pinpoint where she recognizes me. I shift uncomfortably, but I didn't not moving. I can't let her know how uncomfortable I am under her scrutiny.
I cast a look at Patrice and Jacob but they're busy with a dice game. I moved away from the female's gaze, going to the stern of the ship.
News already began to spread over the ship that I burned it. The mystery of how the slave ship caught fire was already mutating into rebellion amongst the runaway slaves.
I wondered if I did the right thing. Maybe I did everything worse. They're just kids—where are they now? Back in some slave traders meaty fingers?
Or even worse, they would be getting away long enough just to be caught by the slave catchers among those of us with ownership on our skin.
There was nothing more terrifying than the slave catcher. The hunter's only job was to catch runaway slaves.
Gods, I needed something, anything. I didn't want to be around anyone.
There were plenty of people working up top. sailors made youth of the wing use of the wind, doing all sorts of things that I did not understand, and prodding at the size of the ship.
Honestly, my father was a great fisherman, so I always abstained from the sea.
I think dad decided I would be taking over the business, when both of my brothers would take the title. He wanted me to learn the family trade of hunting and fishing and learning about types of nets, but I never had the skill for it. I liked building things and climbing on trees.
Now that I'm looking at the horizon, trying to not empty my stomach, I understand why there is a part of me that understands why he loved the sea, the salt smell, and the quiet of it all.
I suppose I thought I was passing out at first when everything went black.