The dusky blue hue of the sky was beginning to fade, to be replaced by the inky darkness of night.
As I walked towards the doors of the downtown café, I could vaguely make out my reflection in the glass windows of the dimly lit store.
Instead of hesitating, I pulled the doors open and stepped inside.
Upon doing so, I was greeted by a rush of warm air. The sound of a few errant conversations suddenly rushed into my ears. However, excepting this fact, it was immediately apparent that the café gave off a very quiet and subdued atmosphere.
The lighting was dim and sparse, and the tables and booths were spaced a fair distance away from one another, giving the impression of privacy and seclusion.
There was a reason that this café was one of my favorites. Although it was located downtown, it was placed strategically in a spot that put it away from the spotlight. In other words, given that it was placed relatively far from the popular hangouts of downtown Chiba, it was usually pretty empty.
It was the perfect place to get some peace and quiet.
Apparently, Yukinoshita had thought the same thing.
There was no absolutely no chance that Yukinoshita hadn't seen me on the street. In fact, it was her somewhat surprised stare that had caught my eye and alerted me to her presence in the first place.
I didn't know exactly what had possessed me to enter the café at all, but one thing was a given. Yukinoshita and I both knew the other was in here.
I walked up to the counter and ordered a hot, black coffee out of instinct.
I waited by the counter while my drink was prepared. As I did, I could occasionally feel the ghost of a glance aimed towards my direction, only to disappear a second later.
After my coffee was ready, I grabbed it off the counter and took a deep breath.
I began walking into the center of the shop. The shop itself wasn't particularly big so before I knew it I'd arrived at my destination.
I paused in front of a dark-haired girl, her book nearly covering her eyes as she sat almost completely still in one side of the small booth. She was the picture of elegance and nonchalance.
Or at least that's the impression she was trying to convey.
"Ahem," I coughed quietly.
Her icy blue eyes remained focused on her book for a few seconds longer and although her features betrayed absolutely nothing, somehow I could tell that she had heard me.
After a few more seconds passed, her eyes flitted up to me and gave one measured blink.
"Oh, Hikigaya-kun. May I help you?" Yukinoshita asked neutrally.
On the surface, Yukinoshita seemed to be her usual self.
Calm. Collected. Straight to the point.
However, there was an undeniable reservation to the way she spoke.
"Uh, yeah. I just bought a coffee," I said as I awkwardly lifted my cup. "I was just passing by and I saw you through the window." I could feel my voice slightly shake. "Wanna talk?"
At this, she seemed to bristle a little. A short silence passed.
With a sigh so soft that I very well could have imagined it, Yukinoshita closed her book and set it to the side.
"Sure. What would you like to talk about?" she finally asked.
I breathed a small, inward sigh of relief. At least we were getting somewhere.
"Uh," I began shakily. "Mind if I sit down?"
She gave a slight nod and I took my seat across from her in the booth.
After taking a breath, I began to speak. "I just wanted to see how you were doing. I feel like we haven't really talked in a while."
Yukinoshita didn't respond immediately. Instead, she just sat there, seemingly contemplating something. Eventually she spoke.
"Caring for the wellbeing of others? That certainly seems out of character for you, Hikigaya-kun."
I could tell that her little verbal jab was an attempt to diffuse the awkward tension that we had both grown so keenly aware of, but in her tone I detected something. Her attempt at humor felt almost forced and stilted. Her eyes would only meet mine for a second before turning away.
"Yeah. Maybe," I breathed awkwardly.
I inwardly sighed. It was frustrating. I knew exactly what I wanted to talk about with her, but I just didn't quite know how to bring it up.
I've always prided myself on being a direct and honest person. I've always been confident in that part of myself.
However, in this situation, I felt awkward and unsure. I didn't know how to bring this subject up without making the entire situation worse.
There were other factors to consider too. If I said one wrong thing or gave away a little bit too much information by accident, I might even jeopardize my relationship with Hiratsuka-sensei. Logically I knew that there was very little chance of something like that happening, but still.
Maybe all the secrecy and sneaking around with Hiratsuka-sensei had made me paranoid, but in the moment, it did seem like a legitimate concern.
After a period of silence, Yukinoshita eventually asked, "So, is there anything in particular that you would like to discuss? Because if not, I would like to resume my reading."
Her voice brought me out of my thoughts. My eyes turned to the book that she had previously set on the table. I vaguely recognized the cover art.
"…A Tale of Two Cities?" I asked.
She gave a soft sigh, before offering a simple response. "Yes."
Suddenly, I remembered where I'd seen that book. "Oh… you bought that book from our booth at the Autumn Festival right? I thought it looked familiar." It was one of the English language books she'd picked out.
"Indeed," she began simply. "…I've finished reading all of the books I bought that night except for this one."
I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow in surprise at her statement. Although it had been several weeks since the Autumn Festival, somehow I still found it impressive that she had already read all of the books she had purchased that night. Those books weren't thin by any stretch of the imagination.
Still, she had said it herself. Her English was much better than mine and she was just as avid a reader as I was, if not more so. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised.
"That's actually pretty impressive," I admitted aloud.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
We sat there for a few moments in silence, but unlike before, it didn't feel as stifling as it had been just a few moments prior.
Maybe it was this sense of relative peace that finally gave me the confidence to continue and speak about what was on my mind.
I coughed lightly. "So… about what happened…" I began vaguely.
Her posture stiffened at my statement, but I decided to press on.
"I'm sorry..." I offered lamely. I looked down at my coffee.
My language was vague and although I doubted any other person would have understood what I was getting at, I knew that Yukinoshita immediately knew what I was referring to.
"Oh…" she almost whispered. "I don't see why you should feel the need to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong."
I bristled a bit. Her statement struck me as half true. Hiratsuka-sensei's outburst had been her own and only her own. It wasn't me who had called Yukinoshita into that office that day and it certainly wasn't me who had assaulted her with a flurry of vicious verbal attacks.
But regardless, I still felt guilt for whatever reason. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't shown up for club activities, that was the cause of my unease. Maybe if I had sucked it up and gone more often, Yukinoshita wouldn't have felt the need to ask for my resignation and this all could have been avoided…
No. Thinking like that was pointless.
What ifs and could haves were truly pointless to entertain. Lately, I haven't been very sure of myself but this was a principle that I understood firmly. Regretting the past is one thing, but the second that you start to think about how things could have changed had you just done that one thing differently or said that one key phrase—that's when you've fallen too deep down the rabbit hole. Suppositions and delusional daydreams can't change the past. The only thing you can really do is to mitigate whatever damages you can. Anything else is beyond your control.
I swallowed a lump in my throat. "Yeah… but I heard what Hiratsuka-sensei said to you and it was really…" I paused for a brief moment, and for a split second my mind flashed to the conversation I had had with Hiratsuka-sensei just an hour ago. "…insensitive of her to say."
Yukinoshita didn't answer right away but instead she looked carefully at my face, as if there were something particularly interesting resting between my features. I couldn't help but shrink under the perceived scrutiny. I wasn't sure what she was looking for there but her gaze caused me to avert my own.
A moment passed before she eventually responded. "Yes."
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I wasn't sure what I was expecting when I came into that coffee shop. Perhaps I wanted to somehow comfort her and make her feel better, or more likely, I wanted to extricate myself of the dismal feeling of guilt and anxiety that had been plaguing me so thoroughly as of late. Either way, I couldn't say that I succeeded in either goal.
I put the cup of coffee to my lips and drank the rest as quickly as I could.
Although I didn't feel much better, I'd done what I had come to do. I could at least take some solace in that fact.
As I grabbed my empty cup and began to stand, my attention was suddenly caught by a quiet question.
"Just out of curiosity, Hikigaya-kun… What were you doing at Hiratsuka-sensei's office that day?"
I immediately froze. As I heard those words, my eyes instinctively darted to hers and I noticed an oddly serious expression on her face.
I found myself completely taken aback by that question.
"Oh… uh..." I couldn't help but stammer as I desperately wracked my brain for any possible excuse.
However, despite my efforts, I found myself at a genuine loss at what to say.
For some reason, I guess it had never fully registered in my mind that she saw me that day after her confrontation with Hiratsuka-sensei. I mean, I did remember the troubled yet surprised look she had given me as she had exited the office, but the fact that she didn't know why I might have been in that particular location to begin with somehow escaped me.
Dread began to creep throughout my body as I was regarded by two icy eyes.
"Never mind," Yukinoshita said suddenly, startling me from my thoughts.
I blinked. "...What?"
That word managed to escape from my mouth before I could stop myself.
She shook her head. "It was... just a question meant to pass the time, Hikigaya-kun. Nothing more."
As she spoke, she began to collect her things and organize them into the small bag by her side.
"Oh…" I said quietly. "Right…"
My eyes finally broke contact with hers and I couldn't help but stare at my feet as she finished packing up her belongings.
I stood there somewhat dumbfounded as she finally stood and turned to face me.
"Well, it was nice seeing you, Hikigaya-kun. It's been a while since we've had a chance to talk," she said in an even tone.
"Yeah…" I responded.
She nodded once. "I have to be going now. Goodbye."
I answered with my own small nod. "...Right. See you around."
And with that, she began to walk away.
As she did, I felt myself let out a breath that I hadn't even known I was holding.
That entire interaction had happened so quickly that I was left reeling.
I took the opportunity to recollect myself and ease my breathing.
Why had Yukinoshita asked that question? ...and seemingly out of nowhere at that. Or better yet, why had she asked that question and then excused herself before I'd even had a chance to answer.
Granted, I was taking a while to formulate my thoughts, but it struck me as odd that Yukinoshita would ask a question simply 'to pass the time' at all… It seemed incredibly out of character for her to do so.
"Hikigaya-kun…"
Those words caught me by surprise.
Although the voice was soft, it somehow cut right through the air and made its way straight to my ears. I turned to the source of those whispered words.
I aimed my eyes towards the door of the cafe to see Yukinoshita, looking back at me with an expression I had a hard time discerning.
"Uh... Yeah?" I asked, regarding her with a confused expression.
"Look out for yourself… okay?"
In the corner of her lips was the faintest hint of a smile. I wasn't sure if I was imagining it but somehow I felt like it didn't quite reach her eyes.
I blinked in surprise as I stared at her disarmingly placid expression. "Yeah...you too," I eventually answered.
With one final nod, she let go of the door, and it slowly swung closed.
The sound of soothing jazz continued to play over the speakers of the small coffee shop, but all I heard was the quiet echo of those words in my mind.
Eventually, I tossed my cup into the trash and headed back out into the black night.