"It's not just a hammer," Coulson explained, swiping through the energy readouts. "It's a celestial battery. The energy inside is dense enough to power a small star, but it's contained. Stable."
"We theorize it's locked by runic magic," Coulson continued. "Like a biometric scanner, but for souls. Unless the 'authorized user' touches it, it's just a 42-pound paperweight that happens to be immovable."
"I suggest we build a permanent containment facility," Coulson proposed. "Bring in the eggheads. See if we can crack the code. Maybe reverse-engineer the lightning tech."
"No need," Fury shook his head. "The owner is coming to pick it up."
Coulson blinked. "You're sure, Boss? It's Thor. The Thunder God. If he dropped it, maybe he's... dead?"
"He's not dead," Fury said, recalling the video. "In most timelines, he lives. He joins the Avengers. He becomes an ally."
"But in one timeline," Fury's voice darkened, "Barton kills him. And then Loki invades. And then Earth gets flattened."
"So," Fury looked Coulson in the eye. "When he shows up, nobody touches him. Nobody shoots him. Nobody even sneezes in his direction. Is that clear?"
"Crystal," Coulson nodded. "So we're rolling out the red carpet for a Viking cosplayer."
"Exactly," Fury confirmed. "Diplomatic immunity. Level 10."
Meanwhile, in a Diner near Puente Antiguo.
A large man with blonde hair and a beard that screamed "I wrestle bears for fun" sat at a booth. He was staring at a coffee mug like it was an alien artifact.
Thor Odinson. Prince of Asgard. God of Thunder.
Currently: Mortal. Exhausted. And very, very confused.
He slammed the mug onto the table. "ANOTHER!" he roared.
The waitress jumped, looking terrified.
Thor didn't notice. His mind was replayng the argument with his father. The shame. The banishment.
"You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy!" Odin's voice echoed in his head.
"And you are an old man and a fool!" Thor had shouted back.
The look on Odin's face... it wasn't anger. It was disappointment. Deep, crushing disappointment.
"Thor Odinson... you have betrayed the express command of your King. Through your arrogance and stupidity, you have opened these peaceful realms and innocent lives to the horror and desolation of war!"
"You are unworthy of these realms! You are unworthy of your title! You are unworthy... of the loved ones you have betrayed!"
Thor clenched his fists. He had only wanted to protect Asgard. The Frost Giants were monsters. They needed to fear him, just as they feared Odin.
But Odin didn't see a warrior. He saw a child throwing a tantrum with a nuclear weapon.
"I take from you your power! In the name of my father and his father before... I cast you out!"
Thor looked at his hands. They were calloused, but weak. He felt hunger. He felt thirst. He felt... mortal.
"Father," Thor whispered, looking at the rain-streaked window. "I will return. I will prove you wrong."
"I will find Mjolnir. And I will make the Frost Giants pay."
Little did he know, SHIELD was waiting for him. And in the shadows, Hawkeye was watching.
And in another reality, Lucas was watching it all unfold on a holographic screen, eating popcorn.
"Don't worry, Goldilocks," Lucas chuckled. "This isn't the 'What If' timeline. Hawkeye won't shoot. Probably."
"But Odin... man, that guy is playing 4D chess."
"He knows his time is up," Lucas analyzed. "He knows Hela is coming. He knows Ragnarok is coming."
"He needs Thor to stop being a frat boy and start being a King."
"Because a warrior fights for glory. A King fights for his people."
"And without Odin," Lucas sighed, "Asgard is just a shiny target for Thanos."
"Unless..." Lucas glanced at his new 'Solar Sorcerer' status.
"Unless Superman decides to intervene."