Chapter 13 - A Different Him with Consequences
Everything?
What 'everything'?
The fact that she had been drinking the herbal medicine not to have his child for years now? The fact that she was always acting around him? The fact that she… that she no longer… ah… that she no longer loved him?
What 'everything'? Because one of those coming to light would get her killed and all that would get her and everyone around her killed.
"I—I—" she stammered. She shouldn't have. "I don't understand—"
"Don't think for a moment that I do not know that you are lying to me."
"No," she frowned. "I would never lie—-"
"So you love me still?"
"Yes, I do!" The words rushed out of her mouth. "I do love you. I've never stopped."
Silence.
A second.
Two.
Three.
He crumbled to his knees before her and she froze.
Stunned.
"I'm a horrible man," his voice seeped through her ears by a whisper carried by the winds.
She blinked, but quickly forced herself out of her shocked state.
It was risky to linger on any emotion for too long. Risky to not be focused. This could be a test. Although he had never done that before, she couldn't be too careful.
"You are not—" she moved to join him on the floor but with a hand in the air, he stopped her.
"I promised you that I wouldn't do it again and I did." His gaze was fixed on the floor, his voice shaky with tears.
Tears.
He was crying.
He hardly cried.
Something in her heart felt moved even though she wanted to feel nothing.
Was this… her Haron? Was he coming back to being the man she loved? It was a stupid thing to think but it was so instinctive, she had no time to stop herself or the thoughts of it from flooding her mind.
"You were just doing what you had to."
"I promised. I failed you. I hurt you." His hands moved slowly around her leg, they trembled. "And you apologised for my own mistake. What kind of husband does that to their beloved?"
"Haron—-"
"Forgive me." He held her leg like the only thread keeping him alive and sane and when he looked up at her, his eyes were filled with tears and regret. "Forgive me, Ismena. Please. I promise that I will be better. I won't hurt you anymore. I promise—"
He was a begging man.
A pleading man.
A desperate man.
Her man.
"Haron—-" Tears rolled down her cheeks because there was no reason for them not to.
It wasn't calculative. It wasn't anything. It just was.
His words seemed to have gone straight to one sleeping part of her heart and awoken, her veins surged with dead feelings that had suddenly arisen.
She hadn't seen Haron cry in a very long time, she hadn't heard him apologise for anything this sincerely either.
It was only her Haron who did those and in this moment, that was who she saw.
"What is happening to me, Ismena? Why am I doing this to you?" He kept looking up at her. "It feels like I'm losing my mind. I can't just stop thinking about you, assessing everything you do because you are all I think about. So I think if you," his voice became breathy. Laboured. As if he were confessing to a sin so great, no one would be able to fathom it. "Over and over and over again, I think of you. And that makes me do things—- I don't understand what is wrong with me."
His voice was low but it was enough. He was all she could hear anyway.
Her hands curled into fists at either side of her. Against the wooden surface of the dining table. She tried to remain focused, but her heart clenched with pain and each word he said drew her closer to him.
It was the sincerity of those words that she hadn't heard in a long time that made the wall of facade around her crumble to the ground.
"Nothing is wrong with you. You just love me too much."
He blinked. "No. I could never love you too much. I will always love you more than anything and I know that I can never love you enough, because there isn't enough in loving you. There is only more and I am willing to keep striving for more."
"Haron—-"
"But I must be better." He rose slowly, his hand trailing up, pushing her dress higher as he moved, and he kept his gaze on her body as if he felt too sad to meet hers. "I want to be a better man for you. A better husband, a better…" Then he looked at her and his eyes were filled with tears. "A good father."
She reached up to his face and wiped his tears away instinctively. His hand fell over hers, his eyes slipped shut and he kissed her palm.
"Give me another chance to be all that." He looked at her and there was something about the heat of his gaze, the sincerity in them, the vulnerability, that made her believe every single word. "A fair chance. I promise that I will be better. You can love me anew."
"I already love you."
"You can love me more. I will give you reasons to."
She laughed, because it felt right and he laughed too. The moment passed with ease between them and when silence fell it was not heavy.
"Ismena?"
She nodded. "Yes, we can start again."
"Thank you." His lips came down on hers and it wasn't one she felt repulsed by. She kissed him back.
"I have plans," he said when he pulled away. "It should be just us, it should have been us from the beginning. I'm sending them all away."
The women. He was talking about the other women.
Her heart skipped with happiness but not completely. "And who will they rely on?"
"They will have enough for their upkeep but they have none of me anymore."
She nodded with a small smile.
"I will dissolve the Punishers. There should be no punishers. No one should hurt you."
"You will?"
"I promise."
That made her smile. Fully.
It was her Haron. He was back.
"With all that, we will have more time for the orphanage and time to focus on," he pushed himself between her thighs and she let him, her hands slipping up his shoulders. "Having our own."
He trailed kisses down the hollow of her neck. "I saw you with Aji and it confirmed to me that you will be the perfect, mother."
She gulped, her eyes slipping shut.
"I'm going to make you a mother. We'll have a son. A heir to Ragma that only you can give."
"Haron—" her voice is a breathy whisper that his kiss stole.
He pulled out the blue silk handkerchief from her dress, as he broke the kiss. Ismena expected the routine, but instead he tossed the handkerchief on the floor.
"Let them hear."
Ismena used to be angry that her body was driven to pleasure despite her repulsion for him. But as time went by, she had quickly understood that it was what nerves did when stimulated.
They react.
Her body was just as trapped in this as she was. And if she played along, it reduced the chances of her getting punished or of anyone she loved getting hurt.
It was a small price to pay… but it was one she was used to.
However, this time, it felt nothing like that. She didn't even think, weigh consequences, or worry about others.
There was no need to.
Now that repulsion did not linger in her veins, now that a sincere apology had been made, now that a new chance had been brought forward.
Everything felt different.
Real.
Better.
Desired.
She simply wanted him.
Then it was over.
He pulled away and kissed her quiet.
It was then she felt how hot he was against her.
Like fire. His body trembled and it wasn't from ecstasy, even though that still lingered in his veins.
It was something more.
Something that made him tumble to the ground. Eyes rolled up and blood spilling from the corners of his lips.
Ismena screamed.