THE PITCH: "GHOSTED BY THE GRID"
(Stage Directions: Imagine a guy pacing a stage with a mic, sweating a little too much, looking at the exit signs like they're judging him.)
"Okay, okay... so, imagine you're Olivia Benson. Right? The GOAT. You've spent twenty years putting every creep in New York behind bars. You walk into your precinct on a Tuesday, ready to yell at Fin about his choice of donuts... and nobody knows who you are."
(Laughs nervously)
"No, for real! You're standing there like, 'Hey Ed, how's the wife?' and Ed looks at you like you're a pigeon that just learned how to wear a blazer. He's like, 'Security! This lady is talking about Ed's wife again!'
And then—and this is the best part—you look at your desk. And there's a New Olivia. We call her 'The Bop.' She's sitting there, drinking from your 'World's Best Mom' mug, doing your exact paperwork, wearing your exact haircut. She's like 'Olivia 2.0: Now with 40% less trauma!'
And she leans in—this is the 'Comedy' part, guys—she whispers, 'Hey, my name is Sloane. They sold your soul for a billion in Kash. You're a ghost. Now go away before I have your best friend tase you.' Imagine the Yelp review for that day! 'One star. My coworkers didn't recognize me and a robot stole my mug. Would not recommend justice.'
THE "REALLY GOOD OR REALLY BAD" TWIST
"But wait, it gets better! Or worse. Probably worse. Olivia runs into an inmate. A guy she arrested! And he's the only one who can see her. Why? Because the government rewired the lights! The Hertz is lying to everyone! It's like the ultimate 'Ex-Girlfriend' move. The government didn't just break up with her; they changed the frequency of the universe so she's literally invisible.
So Olivia has to team up with—get this—William Lewis. Yeah! The guy who tried to kill her! They're both 'Dead.' They're the 'Ex-Corpses.' It's like a buddy-cop movie, but one of them is a serial killer and the other one is a literal ghost.
They're sitting in a nightclub, and a guy in a suit walks up like, 'Hey, you guys wanna stay dead or should I pencil you in for a real funeral?'
And Olivia—god bless her—looks at her badge. Her fake badge. For a fake job. In a fake world. And she's like, 'I learned to see in the dark.'
Is it a thriller? Is it a cry for help? Is it a parody of my own life? YES. It's 'Law & Order: Perception Hertz.' It's that type of shyt where it either wins ten Emmys or we all get 'disappeared' by a satellite before the first commercial break. Either way, the catering is gonna be great because the Architects have all the 'Kash!'"
THE "CROWD WORK" CLOSER
"Think about it. We're all being gaslit. You ever walk into a room and forget why you're there? That's not aging, folks. That's the Architects changing the Hertz! They're redrawing the map! I'm standing here pitching a show, but for all I know, you guys are 'Bops' and I'm just screaming at a wall in Queens!
(Points to a random person)
'Are you Fin? You look like you're about to get Red with me!'
Tagline: 'You can't kill what you already buried, but you can definitely make the funeral awkward as hell.'"