Chapter 2
The Battle to Change Myself
I was sixteen years old at that time—an age when a person should be dreaming about the future. But instead of dreams, I was carrying fear, regret, and confusion inside my heart. My past choices followed me everywhere like a shadow I could not escape.
Poverty had shaped my life in ways I never wanted. When you grow up with nothing, even wrong paths start looking like opportunities. I worked at a young age, stayed out with the wrong people, and slowly picked up habits that I knew were destroying me. At first, it didn't feel dangerous. It felt normal. Everyone around me was doing the same thing.
But deep inside, I knew I was losing myself.
Then she entered my life.
I don't know how to explain it properly, but her presence made me see myself differently. For the first time, I felt ashamed of the person I had become. I wanted to be better—not just for her, but for myself. Every night, I asked myself the same question:
"Is this really the life I want?"
The answer was always no.
I wanted to change, but wanting something and actually doing it are two very different things. Change requires strength, and at that time, I felt weak. My habits had control over me. My surroundings kept pulling me back. And my situation gave me excuses.
After entering the 12th grade, reality started hitting harder. I realized that if I didn't fix my life now, I might never get another chance. Education felt like my last hope. But hope alone doesn't pay bills, and it doesn't fix mistakes overnight.
My family never shouted at me. They never insulted me. And maybe that hurt more. Their silence spoke louder than words. I could see disappointment in their eyes, even when they tried to hide it. That silence stayed with me.
I decided to quit my bad habits.
I won't lie—it was one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do. My body wanted what my mind was refusing. My friends laughed at me. Some said I was pretending. Others said I'd fail like always. Sometimes, I almost believed them.
There were days when I succeeded.
There were nights when I failed.
Each failure made me hate myself more. I would look in the mirror and feel angry. Angry at my choices. Angry at my weakness. Angry at the world for making life so unfair.
Still, I didn't give up completely.
I started looking for work. Any work. I wasn't picky because I didn't have the luxury to be. I applied everywhere—shops, offices, small businesses. Some places rejected me politely. Others didn't even look at my face. Many asked for experience I didn't have. Some wanted qualifications I couldn't afford.
Every rejection felt like a reminder of my past.
I wanted to marry her one day. That dream pushed me forward. I knew love alone wasn't enough. I needed stability. I needed respect. I needed to become someone worthy.
But life kept testing me.
Money problems got worse. Stress became a daily companion. Sometimes I felt so tired that giving up seemed easier than continuing. I saw people my age enjoying life while I was fighting battles inside my head.
There were moments when old thoughts tried to return.
Moments when the wrong path looked tempting again.
But this time, something was different.
I had seen what that path led to. Emptiness. Regret. Shame.
I didn't want to become a warning story. I wanted to become an example—maybe not for the world, but at least for myself.
Slowly, I started changing small things.
I stayed away from people who dragged me down.
I focused more on my studies.
I respected my parents more, even when they didn't say anything.
Change didn't happen overnight. It was slow and painful. But it was real.
I learned an important lesson during this time:
Your past explains you, but it doesn't define you.
I was still poor. I was still struggling. I still didn't have a proper job. But I had something I never had before—direction.
There were days I felt proud of myself. And days I felt like a complete failure. But at least now, I was fighting for the right reasons.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I'll succeed or fail. But one thing is clear—I am no longer running from my mistakes. I am facing them.
This chapter of my life was about falling, realizing, and standing up again—slowly, imperfectly, but honestly.
What happened next…
How life tested me again…
And how close I came to losing everything one more time—