Everybody thought about it at least once.
Where did you go after you died?
A lot of people, both scientific and religious, had been chasing an answer to that big question for probably as long as humanity had been alive. Then the Justice League appeared, and with them came the whole… well, not confirmation exactly, but the very public spread of "gods" existing.
I remembered an old Wonder Woman interview from when I was a teen that got people going absolutely crazy after someone asked her about it.
Still, even with various "authorities" claiming to know what happened after death, the whole thing somehow became more complicated instead of less. That question suddenly had way more answers than anyone knew what to do with. And my personal experience, which quite literally involved dealing with the Devil, had left me a bit…
Well, batshit terrified.
So I mostly just put it out of my mind.
In retrospect, maybe I should've thought about it more if this was what my afterlife was going to look like.
For the fifth time, I swept my gaze over the area, only to find the same empty blackness staring back at me.
I waved my hands through the air, but the movement did nothing. My fingers just passed through the weird black void like I was standing inside a shadow someone forgot to finish rendering.
Man, was I glad about the nine lives, because my afterlife sucked. I kind of felt like an idiot joking about it and then immediately getting shot, but live and learn, I guess.
Hopefully.
I hadn't really experimented with the trait, so I wasn't actually sure how the revival worked. It felt like a good few minutes had passed, but, well, I was still pretty fucking dead.
And as much as I wanted to get back and whoop that weirdo's ass, I was currently stuck being dead as some weird soul-body thing.
So I just walked.
Weirdly enough, despite the complete void around me, I felt like I was making progress. My feet planted against something with every step, even though there was no floor, no horizon, and nothing around me to prove I was moving at all.
So I was more than a little surprised when I found a door just sitting in the middle of nowhere.
It was a simple white door with a silver doorknob, the kind you could find in any house in the world.
What the fuck?
I didn't get much time to process the weird door before heat bloomed in my chest. Instinctively, I knew what it was.
Nine Lives was finally kicking in.
Well, with that problem solved, I sort of just stared at the door.
The smart thing would have been to wait until the revival finished.
Fuck it.
My hand reached for the doorknob as I braced myself for anything.
The door swung open.
On the other side was a simple, well-lived-in living room with a couch, a small kitchenette, and a table cluttered with books, games, and a bunch of other little knick-knacks.
"You know it's rude to enter a room without knocking?" a woman said, shooting me a slightly annoyed look from where she was laid out on the couch.
She had black hair, deathly pale skin, and wore all black except for the gold ankh hanging around her neck.
"…Sorry?" I scratched the back of my head.
"You try to take a break for ten minutes, but noooooo, it's always work, work, work." The goth girl sighed and threw one arm over the back of the couch. "Can I ever get a break?"
"Sounds like you need new bosses," I said, nodding sympathetically.
"Trust me, I know."
"Well…" I pushed my hand into my inventory and pulled out a card. "I'll have you know I can help with that."
The girl simply raised an eyebrow. "You know you're dead, right?"
I passed her the card. "Yes, but have you seen my card?"
I hadn't known what Paper Trail would give me, but the card was ornately designed with golden fringes and little skulls worked into the edges. Somehow, despite every reason it should have looked tacky, the card had a strange majesty to it.
The goth girl walked over and snatched it from my hand.
Her eyes flicked down.
Jean Founder, President, Supreme Goonion Representative, Director of Postmortem Labor Relations, Vice President of the Sunless Lands, and Death's Executive Partner.
She stared at the card for a long moment.
Then she looked up at me.
I gave her my most professional smile. "So, how do you feel about unionizing the afterlife?"
There was a long pause as the goth girl's eyes remained glued to the fake ID.
Her head tilted down, and her shoulders began to shake.
Despite her best efforts to hold it back, the battle was already lost.
Full-bellied laughter filled the room as the goth girl fell onto her back and completely lost control.
"Oh… okay, that's good." She wiped a tear of laughter from her eye. "This might be the first time someone has ever tried that on me."
"Whatever can you mean?" I asked, wearing my best aggrieved expression. "I just want what's best for both of us, you know."
My best attempt at diplomacy earned me another hearty chuckle from the girl.
"Where are my manners?" She smirked at me.
A snap of her fingers caused a similar card to appear in front of me.
It looked exactly like mine, except it was simply more.
"My friends and family call me Didi…" She chuckled. "But most know me as Death, of the Endless."
"…I see." I raised one finger as I stared literal Death in the face. "Can I say something in my defense?"
That earned me another amused little smirk. Death motioned with her hand for me to continue.
I pulled a special vial from my inventory. "You see this?"
"Yes?"
I threw it at the floor between us.
An explosion of multicolored smoke filled the room, thick with disorienting properties. I instantly turned on my heel and ran out the door.
I pushed my soul muscles to the limit as I sprinted as fast as I possibly could. That smoke wouldn't last long, and I needed to—
Black eyes stared back at me.
Death sat right in front of me, lounging in a chair that had just appeared in the middle of the black void. My legs failed to carry me any farther as my entire body froze in place.
"Did you really think that would work?" she asked, her voice carrying just a hint of mirth.
"No," I admitted. "But I was hoping it would've lasted longer. Is this the part where you inflict some terrible punishment on me?"
"Oh, no, jeez." Death waved a hand. "Please, I'm not like my siblings. I'm not actually angry with you."
Death chuckled, and despite the situation, I couldn't help but be a little enchanted by it.
"It's been a long time since someone has blatantly lied to me like that." Death shook her head, still smiling. "You gave me a good laugh, so no terrible curses or ironic punishments."
"So you're gonna let me go?" I perked up.
"Ah, sorry, Jean." Death gave me a sympathetic look as she rose from the chair. "You're still dead. I've got to send you off to the next step. Dem's da rulez."
The heat in my body climbed higher, almost reaching its apex as Nine Lives neared completion.
"But for your little surprise," she said, her expression softening into something sincere, "I'll make sure your journey is smooth sailing. Any last words?"
"Can I take you out on a date in my next life?" I asked wholeheartedly.
That earned me another snort from Death. She shook her head, but the smile stayed.
"Sure thing."
"It's a date, then." I grinned. "See you in my next life."
Something snapped into place, and reality bent around me. The last thing I saw was Death laughing as I disappeared.
—
My body felt like lead.
I could faintly hear noise all around me, but my ears were ringing, and everything came through muffled and distant. As my eyes fluttered open, I could just barely make out a blond figure crouched over me.
As my hearing slowly returned, I finally caught what he was saying.
"Where in the bloody hell did he keep it…" John muttered, rifling through my pockets with the grim determination of a man searching for buried treasure. "Come to daddy, booze…"
I felt a twitch of anger.
Any lingering lethargy disappeared as I sat up.
"Bollocks!" John flinched back hard enough to nearly fall on his ass. "Holy hell, you're still alive?"
I looked down and found that the giant hole in my chest had disappeared. My body was back in one piece, and even my clothes looked as good as new.
"Yes, no doubt thanks to your very swift fingers, John."
John chuckled nervously. "Mate, you—"
While I did want to know what happened while I was dead, well…
I pulled a vial from my inventory and threw it at him.
"Think fast!"
"You daft wanker—"
He did not, in fact, think fast.
The bottle exploded on contact, just like it was designed to do. Holy Water Squared burst outward in a shining splash, engineered to heal humans instead of harming them, which meant it didn't cause any real damage to demonic humans.
Burn like hell, though.
John screamed as he ran around the bar, flailing like a man whose pants had caught fire. The various other patrons looked over, took in the sight, and immediately started cheering.
Bobo walked over and tossed me a drink before offering his fist.
I bumped it without hesitation, and the two of us leaned back to watch John Constantine sprint around the bar in absolute misery.
"Bloody hell, help me—"
Ah, yeah.
Everything was gonna be all right.
***
Gahhh sorry for the late. Side effects of my meds hit me hard. Slept for 15 freaking hours and felt like a block.
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