BY THE START of the third month, new buds had sprouted on the branches, and the chill slowly faded. The charcoal braziers were removed from the palaces. Rain grew more common, falling endlessly, day after day. The sky overhead was painted a heavy gray. It loomed low like a weight pressing down on the world below.
Xiahou Lian's shoulder stitches had been removed, leaving behind a hideously twisted scar that stretched from his upper shoulder over his shoulder blade. It was a harrowing sight. Shen Jue suggested looking into a scar-removing ointment, but Xiahou Lian refused. For a man, scars were badges of honor; perfectly smooth, flawless skin was effeminate.
Now that Xiahou Lian's injuries had healed, Shen Jue allowed him to go for occasional strolls, telling the others that Sixi's smallpox was cured. The older eunuchs praised Shen Jue for his loyalty and kindheartedness. Anyone else would've avoided a smallpox-stricken eunuch like the plague he carried—perhaps even covered their nose in disgust. Finding someone willing to care for such a patient day and night would usually just have been wishful thinking.
While Xiahou Lian recuperated, Shen Jue often visited the kitchen to purchase leftover bird's nest soup to help the other boy regain his strength. The palace was known for lavishness and excess. Although the palace concubines had small appetites, they demanded that exquisite dishes fill their tables daily, leaving each one barely touched. The sharp, resourceful kitchen eunuchs capitalized on this by selling the leftovers to greedy eunuchs and maids; that had turned into a profitable venture.
A few days previously, the kitchen had welcomed a new head eunuch, and the portions in Shen Jue's meal boxes had suddenly almost doubled. Sometimes they even included delicacies such as abalone or shark fin. Shen Jue accepted the change without comment.
Today, as usual, he picked up his boxed meal from the kitchen and hurried back, holding it in both hands. Eunuchs were servants, dogs raised by their masters. They couldn't walk with their heads held high; they were to keep their faces down and kneel whenever they met nobles on the road. Over time, Shen Jue had grown accustomed to that humble posture. He could now perform it effortlessly.
He knew that everything required patience. If he wished to stand above tens of thousands one day, he must first grovel in the dust.
Just as he passed Tian Street, someone pounced on him from behind. The meal box Shen Jue was carrying hindered his movements. Soon, he found himself pinned against the palace wall.
Suppressing the murderous urge surging in his heart, he asked coldly, "Liu-gonggong, what are you trying to do?"
The kitchen's lead eunuch, Liu Deyi, stood a full head taller than Shen Jue. His dark complexion was paired with a constant smile that lent him an air of simple honesty. "I treat you to fine meals every day, and you still can't take my hints? Do you think you could afford delicacies like abalone and shark fin with what little money you have?" He looked Shen Jue up and down, then sighed regretfully. "I've been spoiling you a while now, so why are you still so skinny? It's uncomfortable to hold you."
"The kitchens are at their busiest right now. Aren't you afraid something will go wrong if you're not there?" Shen Jue kept his head down, obscuring his expression. His voice was calm, as if he didn't realize his predicament.
Liu Deyi took Shen Jue's response as acceptance. Secretly pleased, he took things a step further, lowering his hand to rub Shen Jue's shoulder. "If you behave, I can get back quicker."
Shen Jue sneered. "Two teapots without spouts—are we ground mirrors or cut-sleeves?"17
Liu Deyi let out a lecherous chuckle, his rough hand sliding down Shen Jue's arm to cover the young man's fingers. Shen Jue stared at his own hand. If he'd been carrying a knife, he might've been tempted to slice both their hands off then and there.
"What are you talking about?" Liu Deyi asked. "The palace is already an absurd place, isn't it? The higher someone's rank, the more scandalously they behave. The emperor indulges in incest, the empress carries on secret affairs, and the princes plot against one another. So what if two men mess around? It's not a big deal! What's more, even if others don't see us as real men, we should still have some self-respect in that regard. In my case, no one mistakes me for a woman even after my castration. But you, well..."
"What about me?" Shen Jue asked.
Liu Deyi jabbed Shen Jue's cheek. "Just look at you—so alluring, a natural seductress. I'd say you were born in the wrong body. And a woman's destiny is a woman's destiny, so in the end, you couldn't avoid having your unnecessary parts removed."
Shen Jue let out a low, humorless laugh. The shadows in his eyes deepened, turning bottomless. "Is that so?" he asked quietly. "This is my destiny?"
"Ah—Sixi mentioned earlier that he had feelings for you. At first, I thought you had a fiery temper, and since I prefer consent over coercion, I didn't plan to push you. I never guessed that cur Sixi would actually succeed, but look at you two now, so sweet and inseparable." Liu Deyi stroked his chin and added, "If I'd made my move, there's no way that shameless fool could've competed with me. Sixi has no prospects. Why don't you join up with me instead? Just nod, and I'll get you out of the Fourth Qianxi Courtyard."
Shen Jue slowly lifted his head, a sinister smile playing on his lips. Liu Deyi gazed down into Shen Jue's eyes, so shadowed and brooding, as though a demon lurked within their depths. Suddenly uneasy, Liu Deyi couldn't help but wonder why the boy's stare was so chilling.
"Then do you know," Shen Jue said, stressing each word, "that being with me comes at a cost?" His every syllable sent a ripple of disquiet through Liu Deyi.
Liu Deyi was from a family of hunters and had spent his childhood in the mountains and forests. His mother had raised him on tales of mountain demons that feasted on humans under the cover of night. In the cold, damp woods, solitary travelers had to be wary not only of the wild animals that could pounce unexpectedly but also of the mountain demons concealed in the shadows. Behind trees, beneath leaves, or below rocks—wherever darkness lingered, mountain demons might be waiting.
His mother's stories had often scared him sleepless, but he never actually saw a mountain demon. Over time, he realized such stories were just his mother's way of teasing him. But in this moment, he felt as if he was staring into the cold, menacing eyes of such a demon watching him intently, fangs bared and slavering for blood.
Though his heart trembled, he forced a smile to try to hold on to his pride. "What's your price? Tell me."
As soon as the words left his mouth, a heavy punch slammed into the side of his face, accompanied by a thunderous roar. "You blind mutt! How dare you lay a hand on my brother?!"
Liu Deyi was still reeling, stunned by the punch, as he was seized by the collar and kicked hard in the chest and stomach. He collapsed against the wall, vomiting bile. Before he could steady himself, Xiahou Lian delivered a sharp hook to his face, sending him sprawling to the ground. The blows didn't stop—a relentless barrage of kicks followed, buffeting his body without pause. Liu Deyi howled in agony, pleading for mercy.
"You son of a bitch! What filthy scum dares to lay a hand on my brother?! I'll beat you until you're crawling on the ground, or my name isn't Xiahou..." His attacker coughed. "Sixi!"
Shen Jue stood frozen, stunned. Xiahou Lian had appeared out of nowhere. Shen Jue had planned to deal with Liu-gonggong himself, but in the blink of an eye, Xiahou Lian had reduced the man to a whimpering mess.
"Sixi!" Liu Deyi screamed upon hearing the name. "You selfish bastard! You can touch him, but I can't?!"
"Touch him, my ass! I'll make you sorry right now!" Xiahou Lian was seething with rage, his vision blurred. He yanked up his robe and straddled Liu Deyi's waist, slapping his face left and right. "How do you like this? I said, how do you like this?!"
Liu Deyi's face was a mess of snot, tears, and drool. He couldn't even spit out curses between the volley of slaps. Xiahou Lian's blows felt like being struck with iron. Before long, Liu Deyi's head and face were swollen beyond recognition, resembling a bloated pig's.
"Not my face! Not my face!" Liu Deyi managed to cry during a brief lull. But Xiahou Lian—being Xiahou Lian—made sure every slap landed squarely across Liu Deyi's features. Each hit its mark without fail. The relentless strikes disoriented Liu Deyi; his head spun from the assault, and stars twinkled in his eyes.
After a few dozen more slaps, Xiahou Lian finally stopped. His hands throbbed, his shoulder wound burning from the strain. He couldn't tell whether it was bleeding again.
"Grandfather Sixi, spare me!" cried Liu Deyi.
Xiahou Lian grabbed Liu Deyi's head and yanked it toward Shen Jue. "Begging me for mercy is pointless! Beg your father for forgiveness! Go on—call him Daddy!"
"Daddy Shen, spare me!" Liu Deyi sobbed. "Please make him stop before he kills me!"
Shen Jue gave Xiahou Lian a dark look. "You're his grandfather, but I'm only Daddy?"
"Sorry, sorry. My mistake!" Xiahou Lian punched Liu Deyi again. "Can't you speak properly? Call him Grandfather Shen!"
"Oh, mighty ancestors, I beg you to let me go this time! I swear I'll never do it again!" Liu Deyi didn't dare voice any grievance. He wailed miserably, his swollen, bruised face streaked with tears.
Xiahou Lian stood and dusted off his robe. "Fine. I'll let you off this time. But if it happens again, I'll kill you, you bastard."
Liu Deyi struggled to his feet and staggered away. Once he'd reached a safe distance, he turned back and spat at Xiahou Lian and Shen Jue. "You little brats! I'll make sure you pay for this! Remember that!" he shouted. Then he ran off, clutching his head.
Xiahou Lian scoffed. "Coward."
Shen Jue knew that they might be eating spoiled food over the coming days, but he didn't mention that. Instead, he called to Xiahou Lian, "Let's go. Everyone must be starving."
Xiahou Lian agreed and followed him. Shen Jue walked with his head bowed, deep in thought, and didn't say a word.
Now that his energy was returning, Xiahou Lian had wanted to help with Shen Jue's work. When he realized that the other boy hadn't returned, even though the night grew late, he'd gone out to look for him. After only a few steps, he'd spotted the eunuch pressing Shen Jue against the wall, hands wandering. Enraged, Xiahou Lian hadn't thought twice; he'd just swung his fist directly at the eunuch's face.
Homosexuality was prevalent in their dynasty. Emperor Chengzong and Emperor Muzong were both famously homosexual. During their reigns, the leaders of the Directorate of Ceremonial had used flattery and flirtation to win their positions and the emperor's favor, leading to chaos in the court. As the saying went, "When the upper beams are crooked, the lower beams warp as well." The palace became increasingly decadent. Eunuchs with even a modicum of power were no longer content with just women and preyed on men as well. The same was true of the common folk: Male performers began to regularly sing and play the zither in brothels, much to the delight of the wealthy and powerful. Even Garden-operated brothels featured such performers. That was reputedly how Xiahou Lian's Qiu-shifu had started his career.
Some might have found all that tolerable, but Shen Jue came from a prestigious family. How could he endure that kind of humiliation? Xiahou Lian felt a pang of sorrow, but he was awkward with words. No matter how he racked his brain, he couldn't think of a way to console Shen Jue.
Speeding up a few steps, Xiahou Lian took the meal box from Shen Jue's hands. He glanced sideways. The sunlight bathed Shen Jue's face in a warm golden glow, though his expression remained blank, his skin as pale and sickly as ever. His thoughts had grown increasingly difficult to guess, leaving Xiahou Lian feeling perplexed.
After passing through the palace gate, Shen Jue set down the meal box and went inside. Xiahou Lian delivered the food to the mad consorts' chambers. Some were singing or embroidering, but Consort Gao was flailing around. Her hair was adorned with a bouquet of feathers, giving her the look of a puffed-up rooster. The old eunuchs said that Consort Gao had deteriorated lately, growing madder. Once, she'd spent her days sitting on the wall, calling for the emperor; now she scaled the rooftops, declaring herself a legendary hero. Xiahou Lian chased her around for a while before she finally sat down to eat obediently. Duties complete, Xiahou Lian skipped his own meal and rushed to Shen Jue.
Entering the room, Xiahou Lian saw Shen Jue standing shirtless by the washstand. Shen Jue had a good physique; his skin was as pale as jade, his muscles well-defined, and his limbs were long and graceful, though somewhat thin. Unlike Xiahou Lian, whose countless scars suggested that he'd walked through fire and blades, Shen Jue had smooth, unmarred skin. His back was turned, and Xiahou Lian could only glimpse his disgusted expression and clenched teeth in the bronze mirror. Wet cloth in hand, Shen Jue scrubbed madly at his shoulders and arms where Liu Deyi had touched him. Although Liu Deyi's hands had only grazed his clothing, Shen Jue seemed to want to scour off his own skin.
Xiahou Lian snatched the cloth from him. "Stop scrubbing!"
"What are you doing?!" Shen Jue shouted angrily.
"Are you going to scrub your skin off?!"
"Mind your own business! Get out!"
Shen Jue's furious expression made Xiahou Lian feel somewhat relieved. His deadened look earlier had unsettled Xiahou Lian far more.
"Stay still." Xiahou Lian opened a cabinet and grabbed a bar of soap. He worked it into a lather on Shen Jue's shoulders and arms, massaging them gently with his palms. Though Xiahou Lian's hands were calloused from years of saber practice, they felt oddly soothing against Shen Jue's skin.
Ears flushing red, Shen Jue muttered, "I told you to mind your own business."
Xiahou Lian rolled his eyes. "You should be grateful. I'm going out of my way to serve you, and here you are complaining. I'm never this careful, even washing myself." Indeed, Xiahou Lian had never been so meticulous in his life. He treated Shen Jue like a priceless piece of porcelain he was afraid to break or damage, behaving almost as if he wished to polish the other boy to a flawless shine.
He couldn't have explained why, but Xiahou Lian felt that Shen Jue was born to be revered and worshipped. With his striking looks and scholarly intellect, who could possibly have measured up? He should've been serving in the imperial court, making his mark on history—if not for his descendants, then at least for the sake of his own legacy. But fate had dealt him a cruel hand, and now he was a eunuch. His ambitions had been reduced to dust, future children now a mere dream. Worse, he had to endure humiliation at the hands of scoundrels like Sixi and Liu Deyi. How could anyone not have felt anguish and resentment?
Fate was hard to defy. If the heavens wished you to fall into the mud, then even if you grew golden wings, they'd be melted away.
Xiahou Lian tamped down the ache in his chest. He dipped the washcloth in water, then gently wiped the soap from Shen Jue's arms. The cloth soaked up the fine lather to reveal smooth, clean skin beneath. The soap's osmanthus scent left a subtle, sweet fragrance lingering on Shen Jue's arms.
"Done. You're clean!"
Shen Jue tilted his head. "My face too," he said softly.
Xiahou Lian obliged. He moistened the soap and gently rubbed it over Shen Jue's face, then massaged it in with his fingertips.
Shen Jue felt an odd sensation, as if a feather were tickling his heart. He wanted to push Xiahou Lian's hand away but couldn't bring himself to act. While he hesitated, Xiahou Lian finished cleaning him. He withdrew his hand and tossed the washcloth into the basin, leaving Shen Jue with an inexplicable sense of loss.
There were people in the palace who treated Shen Jue kindly, but he always remained cautious, building walls around himself and keeping a polite distance. When he suffered, he bore it silently. It was nothing new; he was accustomed to enduring. But with Xiahou Lian, he let his guard down.
How nice, he thought. He was like a stray dog wandering the vast world, fur dirty and paws worn, who'd suddenly found shelter from the wind and rain. However many beatings or hardships he faced outside, he at least had a place to rest from now on.
But perhaps that was too optimistic—his shelter was clearly a bit drafty. As Xiahou Lian returned the soap to the toiletry shelf, he lost his grip and sent it tumbling to the floor, where it picked up a new coating of dust.
Shen Jue's face darkened. "That's the only one I have." Complaining that the palace soap smelled strange, he'd spent two months' wages to have this osmanthus-scented soap delivered from outside.
Xiahou Lian apologized repeatedly as he retrieved, cleaned, and replaced the bar of soap. Shen Jue looked gloomily at it, thinking that he might as well throw it away.
Xiahou Lian grabbed the basin and headed out to dump the water. As he was about to open the door, Shen Jue's voice came from behind.
"I don't need your pity, Xiahou Lian."
Stubborn brat. Always unwilling to swallow his pride. Xiahou Lian sighed. "I don't pity you."
Shen Jue didn't reply. Xiahou Lian assumed the matter was settled and reached for the door. As he moved to open it, he felt a tug on the back of his robe. Turning, he saw Shen Jue, his head lowered, his bangs covering half his face. Xiahou Lian only caught a glimpse of the redness at the corners of his eyes.
Xiahou Lian, who couldn't stand to see anyone cry—especially not Shen Jue—panicked immediately. "What's wrong?"
"You're not allowed to leave, Xiahou Lian," Shen Jue said, suddenly pressing close and wrapping his arms tightly around the other boy. "I won't let you go!" Shen Jue's voice rang in his ears, and Xiahou Lian noticed that it was laced with a subtle tremor of fear.
How could he have forgotten? Shen Jue always clung stubbornly to his pride. However frightened or hurt he was, he stood tall and maintained his tattered dignity. It had been the same when he was the Xie family's neglected third young master; now, as a downtrodden palace servant, his pride remained unchanged.
Xiahou Lian was silent for a long time—so long that Shen Jue felt his blood turning cold. Finally, Xiahou Lian let out a long sigh. Holding the basin with one hand, he patted Shen Jue's back with the other and whispered, "All right. I won't leave."