I spent the whole day today organizing my room. After committing something utterly unforgivable, I chose to forget about it for a while to regain my composure. Being busy helped distract me, even if only slightly. I wanted to use the balcony space for planting instead, so I decided to let go of some things. The reason I have more belongings than most people living in a dorm is because everything I own was sent here.
That house will no longer exist. I overheard my dad mentioning there's still a lot to deal with, and once everything is settled, he'll sell it right away. It's no longer necessary, the place we used to call home.
It may not have been the warmest home, but it was filled with memories and love, a true and profound love, the greatest I'll ever receive in my life.
In just a few months, that house may be torn down or renovated. Another piece of evidence of my happiness will vanish, just like my secret base with P' Fah.
I've decided that before my dad announces the sale of the property, I'll return to revisit the memories one last time and bid farewell before it's gone forever.
I sat down on the bed and looked at Fhun's phone in my hand. I hadn't replied to his Line messages since this morning and hadn't told him where I'd gone. I don't think what I'm doing is right, it's wrong, selfish, and utterly inconsiderate.
But for now… Can I be selfish for just a little while? Can I just buy myself this small piece of remaining happiness? Lying is terrible, but telling the truth wouldn't necessarily be better if, in the end, I'd still lose him.
Just for now, just for a brief moment. Can I hold on a little longer...? Fah might not understand, I know he might not. I stopped expecting people to understand me a long time ago. I understand why everyone might hate or be angry with me because even I hate myself.
If I were someone else, I'd probably look at someone like me with the same disappointment. I'll tell the truth, I promise. I know lies can never last forever. How long can I even hide something like this from Fah?
I just want a little more time. Just a little more time to be...Ready to break apart. I think it's good that I still feel fear and try to hold things together. It's far scarier to reach the point where I'm ready to let everything collapse when there's nothing left to lose.
That would be even more terrifying…
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
I decided to open the Line app on Torfun's phone. There were unread messages from him.
Tf: How are you?
Tf: Can I ask you something?
Seeing those messages made me feel uneasy.
Torfun: Sure, what's up?
Tf: I'm just curious why Typhoon is studying here alone.
Torfun: Oh, it's not really a big deal.
Tf: It is.
Tf: Typhoon doesn't seem okay. Did something happen?
Torfun: Nothing happened. Why do you think that?
Tf: No reason. I guess it's nothing.
Tf: Maybe I'm overthinking.
Torfun: Overthinking about what?
Tf: Just worried. Typhoon is my Nong after all.
Tf: By the way,Typhoon is studying veterinary medicine, right?
Torfun: Yep.
Tf: Was it Typhoon's own choice?
Torfun: Yeah, why?
Tf: No reason.
I didn't know how to respond after that. I thought pretending to be Torfun would give me the courage to ask P' Fah more questions than I could as Typhoon. But at the same time, guilt weighed heavily on my chest.
Torfun: Do you think Typhoon isn't suited for veterinary medicine? Haha.
Tf: No, I just think studying it might not make Typhoon happy.
Tf: Because Typhoon doesn't love it.
Tf: Typhoon deserves to be happy.
Torfun: Is that what you think?
Tf: Yeah, everyone deserves to be happy.
Torfun: Haha, true. But Typhoon already chose this path.
Torfun: Let Typhoon make their own choices, okay?
Tf: Okay.
Torfun: P' Fah.
Tf: Yes?
Torfun: Can I ask you for something?
Tf: What is it?
Torfun: Please help me look at the sky with Typhoon?
Tf: hmm Look at the sky?
Tf: What do you mean?
Torfun: Just tell him what kind of sky you see today.
Torfun: That's all.
Tf: You want me to tell him what the sky looks like today?
Torfun: Yes.
Tf: Why?
Torfun: I just want him to know what the sky looks like from your side every day.
Torfun: Fah.
Tf: Okay, I can do that.
Tf: Then why didn't Typhoon ask me directly?
Torfun: Typhoon might not be that brave.
Tf: Oh, I thought Typhoon didn't want to talk to me anymore.
Torfun: Not at all. He wants to talk to you.
Torfun: So much.
Tf: Really?
Tf: That's good to hear then.
Torfun: Can you talk to Typhoon a lot more?
Tf: Sure.
Tf: I'd like to take Typhoon on a trip if I get the chance.
Tf: Would Fhun let me?
Torfun: Definitely. Take Typhoon on lots of trips, okay?
Tf: You trust me to take Typhoon out?
Tf: You used to be so protective.
Torfun: It's fine.
Torfun: If it's you, Typhoon would want to go anywhere with you.
Torfun: Even Mars, if you take Typhoon there.
Tf: Mars might be a bit far, haha.
Tf: Okay, I have to go now.
Tf: Talk later.
Torfun: Okay, talk later.
I smiled at the messages on the screen. That's all I need, really. Being Torfun felt so much better than being Typhoon . If it were me, I wouldn't dare to ask P' Fah to take me on a trip or to talk more.
I'm sorry, Fah. This might not be good for you, but Typhoon …Please, just let me stay like this a little longer.
A notification popped up on my phone. When I saw the name of the sender, my smile widened, it was a message from P' Fah.
Tf: [sends photo]
Tf: The sky is clear today.
Tf: What does the sky look like on your side?
Typhoon: [sends photo]
Typhoon: The sky is brighter than ever today.
I took the liberty of saving the photo that the other person sent me and posted it on my personal Instagram. Normally, I take a photo of the sky every day and upload it to Instagram as a way to document my daily skies. However, today was a bit different because the skynphoto I posted was from P' Fah's perspective.
I captioned it: "Under the same sky :)"
Even if the perspectives differ, we're still under the same sky. I looked out the window. It was already evening. I wanted to talk to P'Fah again, but I didn't know what to say. My eyes fell on the hyacinth on the table, sparking an idea.-Typhoon-: How's the hyacinth doing?
Tf: It's fine.
Tf: Smells nice.
Typhoon: Oh, I see.
Typhoon: What are you up to?
Tf: I have some errands to run. Excuse me.
Typhoon: Okay.
I replied briefly, and the chat ended as P' Fah went offline. I put my phone down and focused on something else instead. I needed to study. If I wanted to become a vet, I'd have to work harder and be more dedicated. But first, I went downstairs to grab something to eat.
Not wanting to go far, I stopped by the 7-Eleven below my dorm. On the way out, I noticed a weighing scale. I hadn't checked my weight in a while, so I decided to give it a try.
My weight had dropped again. Honestly, it wasn't a good sign. I hadn't been eating well or had much appetite, which left my weight significantly below normal.
I'd fainted once before, and the doctor had advised me to eat more nutritious meals; otherwise, I risked severe nutrient deficiencies. I was probably already lacking a lot now.
I looked at the steamed bun and a carton of milk in the bag I was carrying. Was this all I'd eaten today, breakfast with P' Fah and this?
What could I do? I wasn't hungry. I ate little and slept even less. This was the epitome of ruining one's health.
I went back to my room, ate the steamed bun, drank the milk, and studied for a few hours. When I felt I'd studied enough, I began writing a letter to Torfun. I wrote down everything that had happened, just like always. This was my daily routine.
To be honest, I've thought many times about how things would be if Torfun were still alive. If Torfun knew that I wasn't really her younger brother, would she still love me?
I couldn't answer that. Fah loved me because she thought I was her brother, right? If she knew the truth, that I was an illegitimate child, I couldn't imagine how she'd react. But I still wanted to believe that she'd stay by my side no matter what, just like she used to say: no matter what path I chose, she'd always support me.
As bedtime approached, I checked my phone again. Would P'Fah message me once his errands were done? Probably not, it was almost 11 PM, and there was no sign of him.
After all, I wasn't someone he'd want to talk to. I decided to send him a message anyway. At the very least, I wanted to wish him a good night.
Typhoon: Are you free?
Typhoon: I wanted to ask about the trip you mentioned.
I started with a question. P' Fah had mentioned in Fhun's chat that he'd take me on a trip. At the very least, I should know where or when. About ten minutes after I sent the message, he replied.
Tf: Oh, is there a specific place you want to go?-Typhoon-: Not really.
Tf: Then what kind of places do you like?
Tf: I can look into it.
Typhoon: How about a movie?
Typhoon: Is that okay?
It took me a while to type that out. I actually wanted to suggest something nature-related, but I thought a movie outing would be a good start. It had been a long time since I'd gone to the cinema.
Tf: Sure.
Tf: How about tomorrow?
Typhoon: Okay.
Tf: Check the movie schedule.
Tf: I'll pick you up tomorrow.
Tf: Goodnight.
Typhoon: Goodnight.
I wasn't sure if it was just my imagination, but P' Fah seemed rushed. He wished me goodnight so quickly while we were still discussing movies. Maybe he was genuinely busy, or maybe he just didn't want to talk to me that much.
I turned off the lights in my room, leaving only the bedside lamp on. Would I sleep as well as I did the other night? Probably not, tonight wasn't like that night. If only I could hold his hand... No, that would be asking too much. Just hearing him say goodnight would be nice.
After tossing and turning in bed for nearly an hour, I still couldn't sleep. I thought about messaging P' Fah again but hesitated, afraid aof bothering him. He'd already made it clear he was busy.
Okay… It's fine. I already got a photo of the sky from him today. That's enough, Typhoon . Go to sleep.
Still, I wished for a good night's sleep and hoped tomorrow would be just as bright as today.
…
The next day, as I climbed into P' Fah's car, his first words to me were:
"You look tired again."
I gave him a faint smile.
"Really?"
"Couldn't sleep again?"
"Just a little."
"How about the night you stayed in my room? Did you sleep well then?"
"Yes, I did."
"Then, if you can't sleep, you can come stay in my room again."
"..." I looked at him, bewildered. Was he serious or just joking? Was he really suggesting I stay with him just because I couldn't sleep?
That seemed way too kind. But P' Fah didn't look at me; his eyes remained on the road ahead.
"If you keep not sleeping like this, it's going to take a toll on you."
"Yeah… I guess."
"How long has this been going on?"
"For a long time."
"Have you seen a doctor about it?"
"Yes, I have."
"And it didn't help?"
"Well…" I trailed off, unsure of how to explain. I'd seen a doctor, and while the medication helped me sleep, it also gave me nightmares. Eventually, I stopped taking it. "It helped, I guess."
"But you're still not sleeping well?"
"Kind of."
"Have you ever talked to a doctor about your fear of darkness and confined spaces? I think it might be related. If you sleep with the lights on, it disrupts your rest. Didn't I mention this before?" His voice was calm, like he was explaining a lesson.
"I haven't discussed that."
"Maybe you should. I can take you."
"No… Not now."
"Alright," he replied softly. "Have you eaten?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
"..." I turned to look at him again as his tone suggested doubt. He glanced at me as well.
"Uh… Why?"
"Don't lie to me."
"You haven't eaten, have you?"
"Well… not yet," I admitted.
"You ate so little when we last ate together. Are you feeling unwell?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Do you normally eat so little?"
"Pretty much," I replied, glancing out the window to hide my nervousness. The fact that P' Fah could read me so easily... It made me feel a strange sense of fear. Before I knew it, the car stopped in front of a restaurant.
I followed P' Fah into the restaurant, feeling a bit tense. I wasn't used to dining in such a fancy place. To be honest, this was the first time he'd taken me to such an upscale restaurant. Before, we only went to decent but modest places.
"Let's make a deal," P' Fah said suddenly.
"Huh?" I looked at him in confusion as he rested his chin on his hand and smiled faintly.
"What deal?"
"You have to eat everything I order for you in exchange for me taking you out. Deal?"
"Eat?"
"Yes."
"Why do I have to eat?"
"To fix your bad habit of being picky and barely eating," he replied.
"But…"
"No free trips," he said with a teasing smile. "It's an exchange."
I fell silent, unsure how to respond. Even though I agreed to the deal, it felt like P' Fah wasn't really getting anything out of it. Still, I couldn't think of a reason to refuse.
"Okay," I said reluctantly.
"Good," he said, smiling. "Then start by finishing this."
I looked at the dishes arranged in front of me. Since it was a fancy restaurant, every dish was expensive. P' Fah had ordered everything himself. It wasn't a lot by normal standards, but for me, it was overwhelming.
"I don't think I can finish this," I said.
"You can," he replied firmly.
I had no choice but to start eating. P' Fah seemed serious about it. Halfway through the plate, I already felt full. This might have been the first time in years that I finished an entire meal.
"You're not picking out the vegetables anymore?" he asked.
"Well… no," I replied awkwardly.
"That's good," he said.
I nodded, surprised that he remembered I didn't like vegetables. I still didn't like them, but at least I could eat them now. By the time I finished, my stomach felt a bit tight. It had been a long time since I'd eaten this much.
"Did you check the movie schedule?" he asked.
"Well… not yet," I admitted. Truthfully, I had checked, but I wasn't sure what time P' Fah would pick me up or which movie we should watch. I thought it'd be better to ask him.
"You invited me to a movie but didn't choose one?"
"Well…" I murmured, embarrassed. "Do you have any movie in mind?"
"Nope. It's up to you."
"Then let's decide when we get there," I said.
"Alright," he replied.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
We arrived at a large shopping mall. I'd never been there before, and I probably wouldn't have survived alone in such a big place. I followed P' Fah until we stopped at a bingsu (shaved ice dessert) shop. He asked if I wanted to try it. I said no, but he took me in anyway.
I ordered the menu item I thought I'd enjoy most. After a while, the staff brought it to our table.
"Make sure to finish it," he said.
He's even making me eat dessert now?
"Aren't you eating?" I asked.
He shook his head slightly.
"It's fine. Go ahead."
"Don't you like sweets?"
"Not really, but it's better for you to eat."
"Let's share. I can't finish it alone," I said, handing him another spoon. Ever since we entered the shop, people kept glancing our way. P' Fah was probably used to being stared at wherever he went.
He accepted the spoon, and we shared the dessert. This… wasn't bad. I didn't love sweets, but sharing like this… wasn't so bad.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
After deciding on a movie, we went to the cinema. I was excited to watch a movie with P' Fah. During the screening, I wasn't fully focused on the movie. When I started feeling cold, I rubbed my arms lightly.
"Are you cold?" P' Fah whispered.
I nodded, and he took off his jacket, handing it to me.
"Thank you," I said, wrapping it around myself. He was still the same, always offering me his jacket.
"You're just as sensitive to the cold as ever," he said softly, looking at me with his jacket draped over my shoulders. "You should carry your own jacket, you know."
"I will," I replied. But if I carried my own jacket, maybe he wouldn't feel the need to offer his anymore.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
When the movie ended, I returned his jacket. He took it and put it back on.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
"Not really," I said, shaking my head. I still felt full from lunch.
"Do you want to head back, or go somewhere else?"
"Well…" I hesitated. I didn't want to go back just yet, I wanted to spend more time with him.
"Can we go somewhere else for a bit?"
"Sure," he replied. "Where to?"
"Let's take some photos."
"Photos?"
"Anywhere is fine. I just want to take some pictures," I said. I hadn't taken a photo of the sky today, and if I went back, I'd end up with the same angles as always. I wanted something different.
"How about a temple? There's a nice viewpoint there," he suggested.
"Okay."
We drove to the temple, and I stared out the window the whole way. We didn't talk much, but the awkwardness between us seemed to fade. Maybe I was starting to get used to being with P' Fah. The drive was long due to traffic. When we arrived, the unfamiliar surroundings fascinated me.
I immediately started taking photos. I bought flowers to offer at the temple and prayed for just a few things, the same things I always prayed for: Fah's happiness, my happiness, and the happiness of the people I love.
I glanced at P' Fah, who was also praying.
I wonder… What did he wish for?
At the viewpoint, we stood near a reclining Buddha statue. The view was breathtaking. The sun was setting, painting the sky in warm hues.
"Why do you like looking at the sky so much?" he asked, leaning against the railing beside me.
"It's nothing special," I replied.
"Torfun said you wanted me to look at the sky with you. Why's that?"
I wasn't prepared for the question.
"Well… I just wanted you to see it," I said.
"Hm," he muttered, tilting his head slightly before gazing at the same sky I was looking at. In that moment, the sight of him captivated me more than the sky itself.
No… how could anything be more captivating? After all, you've always been the one sky for me.
"Can I take a picture?" I asked.
"Of me?"
"Yes."
"Sure," he said.
I stepped back, framing him against the backdrop of Chiang Mai's city lights. Despite the strong wind, he looked perfect. I snapped a few shots. The moment was so beautiful it took my breath away.
"Thank you," I said, lowering the camera and walking back to stand beside him. "Thank you for taking me out today."
"Thank you for finishing your meal," he teased with a soft laugh.
"Huh?" I turned to him, puzzled, as he chuckled.
"Why's that surprising?" he asked.
"It's just… odd to thank someone for finishing their food," I replied.
"It's not odd. Eating well is good for your health. You used to be a chubby kid, remember? It's not good to be this skinny."
"Chubby kid? Come on," I said, pouting slightly. It was true, though, I used to be like that. I never thought I'd grow up to have such a poor appetite.
"Not like before, huh?" he said with a faint smile.
The conversation faded into a comfortable silence.
"P' Fah," I called softly.
"Yes?"
"Let's play a game."
"What kind of game?"
"Let's take turns asking each other one question at a time."
"What if it's a question I don't want to answer?" P' Fah asked, catching me off guard.
"That's fine," I replied. "Just answer what you feel comfortable sharing."
"Alright. Who's going first?"
"I will," I decided. Truthfully, I had so many questions I wanted to ask P' Fah about the time we hadn't seen each other. I also hoped that by playing this game, he might ask about me too. I wanted someone to care about my stories, not just write them in letters I'd never send.
"How were your high school days, P' Fah?"
"That's more general than I expected," he said in his gentle tone. "I went to school around here. Nothing special, I was just an average student."
"Really? Just average?"
"Now it's my turn," he countered. "How about you, Typhoon ? How were your high school days?"
"I was... a bit rebellious," I admitted. "But I tried my best." Then I
added, "What about your high school friends?"
"We were close. Hung out together, learned a lot from one another,"
he said. "And you? How were your friends?"
"I learned a lot too," I replied. I'd once been part of a group of not-so great friends, and when I distanced myself, they started picking on me. It was a lesson of its own. "What about your friends now?"
My question made P' Fah chuckle softly.
"They're chaotic, like a group I never thought I'd end up with. They can be a real headache sometimes," he said with a grin. Then he asked, "You don't have friends here yet, do you?"
"No," I admitted, nodding. "But I hope to find good ones." I genuinely wished for friends who wouldn't abandon me. They didn't need to be overly kind, just dependable.
"You will, for sure," he said warmly.
"How's school going for you?" I asked.
"Which part?"
"All of it, from high school until now. How's it been?"
"It's been fine. How about you?"
"Pretty average, I guess. Passed some, failed some," I said, then added proudly, "But I did top the class a few times."
"That's impressive," he said sincerely.
"Is med school tough?"
"It is," he admitted. "I'm still adjusting."
"You'll manage, P' Fah," I said softly. He seemed capable of anything. But if even he needed to adjust, could I handle my own path?
"How's Goldie?" I asked, referring to the cat we once took in.
"Goldie passed away," he said quietly, looking down. I felt a pang of guilt since I'd been the one to insist on adopting it. "Sorry about that," I muttered.
"It's alright. Goldie was old."
"..."
"You don't have to apologize, Typhoon . It wasn't your fault."
"Okay..." I fell silent for a moment, trying to steady my emotions and think of my next question.
"P' Fah, do you like the sky?"
"Hmm... not particularly. Do you?"
"Yes," I answered.
"But some days the sky isn't beautiful," he said.
"Why do you think that?" I asked.
"Some days it's dark, with rain clouds and storms," he explained.
"Even so... after the rain, the sky becomes clear again," I said. I liked the rain, it made me feel that even the sky could cry sometimes.
"You see the sky in such a positive light," he remarked.
"..."
"But when it rains, there's thunder too. You're scared of thunder, aren't you?"
"Yeah..." I admitted. Thunder had frightened me since I was little, the loud noise and its danger.
"Is it my turn to ask?" he inquired.
"Yes."
"Hmm... I can't think of anything. You go ahead."
I pouted slightly, feeling a bit disappointed. Did that mean he wasn't curious about me anymore? "Can I ask something... personal?" I ventured.
"Sure," he said, raising an eyebrow.
"Are you seeing someone right now?"
"That's not too personal," he replied with a chuckle. "No, I'm not seeing anyone."
Not seeing anyone... right now.
"That's surprising," I said softly, almost to myself. I'd assumed someone as admired as P' Fah would have someone special. "Whatvabout someone you're talking to?"
"Nope," he said simply.
"I see..."
"Do you think that's strange?" he asked. I nodded in response. "Not really. I just think love feels a bit distant."
"What do you mean?"
"It's probably a boring story," he said. "Do you really want to know?"
"I do," I insisted.
"I dated someone in high school," he began. "At first, it was fine. But over time, I realized love can be complicated. We eventually broke up because of differences. Since then, love hasn't been a priority for me."
"I see..." I pressed my lips together to contain the emotions swelling in my chest. So P' Fah had been in a relationship before. And since then, he'd stopped seeking love altogether.
"Why did you break up? If you don't mind me asking."
"We just didn't understand each other," he said simply.
"Do you still love them?"
"I don't know," he admitted.
"..."
"Looking at the sky like this makes me think," he said, gazing at the reddish sky. "They once told me I was their sky."
"..."
"That whenever they looked at the sky, they'd think of me."
"..."
"But I've never thought of myself as a sky for anyone."
"I see..."
Not even for me, huh?