"Sohee recommended that I talk with you about Varrie," I lied. Nowhere did Sohee ever suggest this idea; it is all mine. But I reckoned Xiao is more familiar with Sohee, and so hearing the name might help distract her from the fact that she hasn't even learnt my name.
Xiao sighs, "She must be worried, too. That poor girl. As if she doesn't have enough on her plate. Being the student council vice president and all… the festival, too." It sounds more like she's talking about herself than my pink-headed friend.
She reaches for one of the stack of files on her desk, a blue one, and flips it, page after page… "Let's see…" she says, only to herself, though. I can't get a good look at the contents; fortunately, I am looking at something better. In this angle where I am standing and staring at the woman sitting down in front, her breast is in the way. And no, I'm not moving away. This is fine. Don't get me wrong, I haven't forgotten the reason I came here (just barely). She seems to be holding a student file.
I guess all of them are under her charge.
Varrie is one that we know. But I think I just saw Claire a few seconds ago. A white long hair, sharp looking grey eyes, ready to choke someone who pissed her off. That was definitely her. Though she was smiling maliciously in her photo. Which doesn't align with what I saw about the girl. The last time I met her, her face was completely blank. As if she's devoid of all emotion. And not smiling. Maybe I'm just reading too much about this. It's not like I know her very well.
I can't seem to stop thinking that… They look different.
Anyway, we now know that Varrie and Claire are in the same class. That's progress.
"Five days. It'd be six if she were absent today, too."
We finally stopped at Varrie's.
I look somewhere else when her eyes climb back up at me again. It wasn't about her chest this time. But to appear more approachable, I decided not to intentionally show her that I'm trying to look at a student file that I'm not trusted with.
"I suppose you don't know why."
She nods, defeated. "I'm sorry."
I tried to keep my face up, not showing an ounce of disappointment. Yet she still apologized. I could reassure her not to, but I have other plans. My last-ditch effort.
"You know where I can find her?"
It was a bold question coming from a guy like me who's been playing the role of a thoughtful tutor for so long since we met. My words can be easily interpreted as such: 'Where does she live?'
Something a teacher like Xiao should never answer.
"I… uh…" she shifts uncomfortably, smoothing a strand of her hair. "That… I can't…"
I'm asking way too much. And that might work in my favor. I am no longer a thoughtful tutor. But a desperate one. The yellow eyes she shines on my face, realized that.
Sohee told me one other thing about Xiao.
She once taught the very same special class.
And was voted out.
So if anyone is to help me, it would be someone who sees themselves in my position.
So how about it, Xiao? Are you going to go against your teacher's code for yourself? Will you let your garden be infested with sins? If you do so, I promise you, I'll cover your ear against your own thoughts. I will whisper that you are doing the right thing.
You are doing God's work.
"I am sorry."
Ah.
So you have discarded yourself for the world.
Xiao continues, biting her lips. "I… as her teacher… that information..."
My presence would only torture her at this point, which would damage our future working together. Maybe next time, she'd let me in.
Her garden was rainy.
"I understand. Sorry for the interruption, Xiao. I'll be going."
I turn around and am ready to walk away.
My heart harbors a hope.
"Wait…"
And my prayer was answered.
Xiao is standing up, sliding papers and files into her bag in a hurry. When she faces me again, she gulps once. "I can't tell you where she lives. But…"
Her eyes scouted around. Maybe making sure no one is listening.
"Can we talk somewhere else?"
"Are you sure about this, Xiao?" I want to hear it myself. That this mistake is her own doing and not mine.
"Un," she nods, now stern.
We left the office, and I found myself following a woman I desired yet again.
In the middle of a sheltered path to the gym (or so the sign above says). But that's not where we're going; she stops here, where the sun has an angle blasting my face with its warmth. A couple of girls are picking up littered trash. Bird chirping.. Only one of them. It's a good place to lie.
"Thank you for your patience… Mister?"
I cough, "No worries, I enjoyed the trip anyway. You can call me Sunbae."
"Eh? Sunbae? But that's…" She scans my body once again. Maybe finding out that I'm younger than her.
But after a while, she finally gave up trying to find a reason not to. "Sunbae, it is, ha ha…"
Her laugh trailed into a sigh.
"Sunbae, can I ask you something? What is your reason with the girls?"
It's easy to answer. The obvious question is money. It would be a lie but believable. But no one wants to hear someone say they're only doing something for money. Xiao is praying that I'm not that kind of person. And I'm not. What I am is a guy cursed with a love for them.
"It's only human," I gasp, looking straight into her eyes that bloom each time my breath comes out of my mouth. "It's only human to help another person who is falling behind."
I go with that. The basics of human nature. Morality.
"I wanted to be the one to do it," I continue, seeing that she is desperate for more. "To show the girls how far they can reach. And how big can they grow their garden? How good it is to be a human who climbs."
It was supposed to be a lie. Something that I just came up with on the spot. Like I always do. However, after I said the words, my tongue recognized them all. As if this wasn't the first time I said it. As if this were not a lie.
Anyway, I think I'm doing too much. Xiao has a bead of tear in one of her eyes. She wipes it off with her wrist.
"You are a far better tutor… than I was, Sunbae."
"I don't know about that."
A group of girls is walking toward us. Their eyes were glued to both of us. Whisper. Whisper. Then bow once to Xiao and go past us…. To the gym.
The yellow-eyed teacher is blushing once again. Is she reacting to the girl's gossip about us looking like a couple?
"Sunbae… Varrie," she holds her hands together, "what are you going to do with her if you are to find her?"
I smile, "I'll talk to her."
"Would she listen?"
"The only reason why I got past their recognition session, well, was because I made her so."
I have been trying to find a word to describe her eyes that are piercing me. They were full of hope.
She's too quick to assume.
"Sunbae, do you know Varrie has a friend group?"
"... Her squad?"
She nods, "You might want to find them."