"A swan, Sephie! He turned himself into a bloody swan! And before that, it was a bull and there was that one time he turned himself into an ant and these women keep falling for it! How? Do mortal women have a zoophilia kink or something? Zeus can't keep getting away with this!" Hera complained, throwing herself into one of the lounge chairs.
Persephone giggled into her goblet. "Is it true he morphed into a shower of gold to seduce a princess of Argos?"
"You mean Danaë?" Hera nodded, lips pressed together to keep from laughing.
"If it were me, I'd have thought I was being accosted by a puddle of piss and stayed as far away as possible," Persephone said, shuddering at the thought.
"In her defence, she was locked up. It's not like she had anyway of holding him off; and my husband can be very stubborn about taking what he wants no matter the cost." Hera paused to take a sip of her drink, and released an aggrieved sigh. "What is wrong with him? Sometimes I wonder if Gaia dropped him on his head as a baby," she rolled her eyes and took another healthy gulp of wine.
"You married him and he had what, like five ex-wives or consorts, or whatever before you? The red flags were practically hanging from his balcony windows. You should've seen 'em and run far, far away, darling," Persephone giggled, running her fingers along the arm rest of her lounge chair.
"Ugh! I may throw around the word stupid a lot in reference to my husband, but he has one of the sharpest minds I know. I had on rose coloured glasses when he was courting me. Those red flags seemed excusable at the time. And who can resist the thrill of taming and domestication a wild stallion?" Hera pouted.
With a snap of her fingers, an amphora floated up from the table to refill her goblet and she did the same for Persephone.
"I rejected him at first, you know? But Zeus doesn't take no for an answer. He tricks and manipulates and seduces until he gets what he wants. He wanted me, so he made it happen. At least I got to be queen of the gods, eh?" She raised her goblet in a mock salute. "Not like I wasn't queen of the heavens or anything before he shackled us together in miserable matrimony," she drawled bitterly.
Persephone frowned. "That's kinda dark, Hera."
"It is what it is, Sephie," Hera shrugged and sat up straighter and gave a quick shake of her body. "Ugh, that just brought the mood down. You promised me a fun night when you invited me over. If you're going to depress me with talk about my husband, at least get me blind drunk first. And feed me, this wine is going to my head faster than usual," she added, patting her stomach.
The two of them were lounging in Persephone's conservatory in the Underworld, having a girls' night. Persephone had invited Hera and a bunch of other goddesses and nymphs for an evening of fun, but only Hera had shown up. Everyone else had come up with some convenient excuse for why they couldn't make it and her mother simply refused to set foot in Hades and Persephone's home, out of pure spite for her husband.
Bitterness churned in Persephone's gut over the rejected invites. But she knew that sooner or later, someone would need a lover resurrected from the Underworld or a favour of some sort from her or Hades and she would definitely remind them of this night. In the meantime, she was enjoying getting blind drunk with Hera and catching up on the latest gossip.
She clicked her fingers, and one of the grapevines hanging from the ceilings, snaked and coiled around the platters of snacks and brought them closer. Her mind was already clouding over with the effects of the wine. After seeing the effects of adding lotus to alcohol at Ares and Thor's brawl, Hera had suggested they try it too just for fun.
"You don't know how good you've got it, Sephie," Hera sighed. "I'll admit, at first, I was a bit concerned and nearly granted your mother's annulment request. I mean a goddess of spring, of fertility and life stuck in this cold, desolate place?" She shook her head. "I didn't think you'd last. I thought you were too soft-hearted for a god like Hades, too delicate to handle the horrors down here. I figured you'd be running back to Demeter's arms screaming in no time."
"Why is everyone so convinced I'm a mama's girl?" Persephone groaned.
"I mean, Demeter hardly ever let you leave her side. She'd turn into a feral beast anytime a male so much as breathed in your direction. I love my children to death, but even I didn't coddle them the way she did you," Hera explained. "But look at you now. Thriving!" She pointed at Persephone with her goblet, wine sloshing over the rim. "A magnificent queen who's turned the Underworld into a somewhat hospitable place. Not by much, but hey, it's the thought that counts. You are loved and feared in equal measure, which is how it ought to be. And your husband and children love you fiercely… You have everything I ever wished for."
Persephone's mouth dropped open as she stared at Hera… Proud and regal Hera, blinking away tears.
"Oh dear!" Persephone jumped to her feet, panicking. This was supposed to be a lighthearted night, and now she had the queen of Olympus on the verge of tears. She grabbed a serviette from one of the trays and thrust it into Hera's hands.
"I know! How about we do a sip and paint? We can't spend the entire night drinking and eating our feelings away."
Hera sniffed. "I'm the only one drinking my feelings away, you're perfectly fine. And what would we even paint, anyway?"
"Hm…" Persephone glanced around the conservatory. There was nothing interesting in here to paint. But then an idea came to her. A wide grin stretched across her face as she giddily clapped her hands.
"Where does Zeus usually take his lovers when he invites them to Olympus?"
"You mean besides his bedroom? There's his den of debauchery for the group activities. Sometimes he likes to entertain them in the throne room… Why?" Hera asked, suspicion creeping into her tone.
"How would you like to get a little revenge?" Persephone arched a brow, rubbing her hands together in anticipation.
Hera cocked her head and tossed her thick braid over her shoulder. "I mean, I've gotten my revenge plenty of times and it never helps."
"Yes, but there's a certain kind of satisfaction that comes from petty revenge. Zeus has a short fuse, and there's plenty of ammunition to embarrass him with."
Hera was sceptical, but she agreed anyway. The two of them took their night from the Underworld to Olympus drinks in hand, of course.
"I think Apollo keeps painting supplies in his studio," Hera whispered, crouching behind a hyacinth bush outside Apollo's quarters.
"Why are we whispering and hiding? I don't think Apollo's home," Persephone whispered back.
Hera shrugged and giggled, which set Persephone off. Despite the fact that no one was around, the two goddesses tiptoed through Apollo's place in search of his studio and they were not quiet about it. Hera tripped over the hem of her gown and dropped the wine jug she refused to part with, while Persephone let out a loud burp that echoed down the dimly lit hallway.
Apollo's studio was unlocked. The lights were off, but the moonlight spilled in through the open windows, and the breeze carried the sweet scent of hyacinths and roses. Hera conjured a glowing orb of light so they could see.
Two buckets of paint each in hand plus brushes they were just about to leave when every torch in the studio suddenly flared to life.
A half-naked Apollo blocked their exit, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, and an amused smile dancing on his lips as his gaze bounced between the two goddesses.
"Not who I expected to find ransacking my studio," he said. "What are you doing, Your Majesties?"
"Uh…" Persephone looked to Hera. "Paint and sip girls' night. Hope you don't mind us borrowing your stuff for a little bit," she laughed nervously.
"I mean… you could've just asked, instead of sneaking around like thieves in the dark," Apollo pointed out.
"Too right you are. We'll ask next time if you'll just—" Persephone squeezed past him and stepped into the hallway, Hera following close behind. "By the way, do you know if Zeus is around?"
Apollo cast a nervous glance at Hera. "He's away."
"Good. If he happens to return within the next few hours, send us a little warning, will you?" Hera asked.
Stunned to see Hera smiling so freely, Apollo blinked as if to clear his vision. "Why? What are you two planning to do with those paints exactly?"
The goddesses took off, giggling like lunatics instead of answering.
"You forgot your wine!" Apollo called after them.
They made it to Zeus' den on the other side of the palace. Hands on her hips, Persephone glanced around the room. There was plenty of space for them to paint on the walls and the ceiling would make perfect canvases. There was just one problem.
"Fair warning, I have no artistic talent whatsoever," Hera told her.
"Neither do I, but that's what'll make it funnier. Still... what should we paint?"
Hera clicked her fingers, and a floating jug of wine with two goblets appeared in front of them. She poured them each a glass, her brows furrowing in thought. Then her eyes lit up, mouth curling into a devious smirk as inspiration struck.
Persephone cackled like a witch when Hera told her the idea and the two of them got to work.
"You know, my marriage isn't as perfect as you think it is," Persephone said after they'd been working and drinking in silence for a while.
Hera turned from her work. "Oh really now? You two have one of the most stable relationships in the pantheon."
"Stable, yes. But we have our issues."
"Like?" Hera challenged.
"My mother and Hades' disdain for each other," Persephone answered, dipping her brush into the bucket of paint. "She and Hades can't be in each other's presence for more than five minutes without wanting to kill each other. Which sucks, because I love them both and hate that my family is divided because of it."
Hera let out a doubtful hum. "That sucks, I agree. But as far as I can see, you and Hades are still madly in love. The spark hasn't gone out like it has for Zeus and me."
"It nearly did once. There was this nymph, Minthe, who caught Hades' eye. And then there was the thing with Adonis, which was admittedly not my finest moment," Persephone cringed.
Hera snickered. "It really wasn't. Your catfights with Aphrodite were a sight to behold."
"Don't remind me," Persephone groaned. "And then there's Hades' workaholic tendencies. The man's brain is always switched on. Getting him to relax is like trying to get Poseidon to give up his grudge against Odysseus. You know, one time he paused in the middle of sex to personally lock someone up in Tartarus."
"No!" Hera gasped.
"True story. And he almost missed Zagreus' birth because he was working. I had to beg Thanatos to physically drag him away from his office. And now he's gone and opened the Wellness Centre— which I am proud of— but we barely have time to spend together thanks to the deal Mum and Zeus forced on us; and now he's added more work onto his plate. Sometimes, I just want to wring that gorgeous neck of his," she bit out, choking the handle of her brush.
Hera sighed wistfully. "I'm jealous. Even though you're clearly exasperated with him, your eyes still shine with love when you talk about him, and your voice goes all soft and tender. I can't remember the last time I felt like that about this arsehole." She flicked her brush at the wall, splattering paint across her work.
Once they were done, they stepped back to admire the mess they'd made.
"You think this'll drive him nuts?" Persephone asked.
"Yes, but not enough to satisfy me."
"What else do you want to do?"
Hera tapped her lip. "Do you think Hecate would be down for a little hexing as a favour?"
Persephone nodded. "As long as you make it worth her while. What were you thinking?"
"I want her to mess with Zeus' lightning bolts so that every time he tries to smite something or someone the bolt hits its mark and turns into a bunch of butterflies or bubbles. Anything ridiculous of that sort that'll grind his gears."
"Oooh, that's devious. Let's go."
The next day, Zeus stepped into his den with a mountain nymph on each arm. He rocked to a halt, jaw dropping when he saw what had been done to the room. The nymphs gasped, then broke into uncontrollable laughter.
"By the gods! Are all those supposed to be you?" one of the nymphs chortled.
Painted across every wall were badly illustrated versions of all the animals Zeus had ever transformed into each one bearing his face, each one chasing after fleeing women who looked sick with terror.
Incensed, Zeus went on a rampage across Mount Olympus, demanding to know who had defaced his den. When no one came forward, he turned his fury on a mortal village that had been vexing him for weeks. But when he hurled his lightning bolts, expecting a fiery storm, they exploded into butterflies, bubbles, and bouquets of flowers only enraging him further.
Down in the Underworld, Hades woke up and began getting ready for work, leaving his wife to sleep off her hangover. Quietly humming to himself, he went about his usual routine only to stop cold when he stepped into his closet.
All his clothes — usually varying from shades of white, grey, and black, with the occasional midnight blue— had been dyed in the most obnoxious shades of pink and yellow. Some of them sparkled with sequins and tassels.
Hades palmed his face and spared playful glare toward the bed, where Persephone lay snoring softly.
"Looks like she had more of an interesting night than she let on," he muttered.