The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the white ceiling of Javier Hospital. It's a white that doesn't bring peace; it's a empty white. This ceiling has seen me wake up and sleep every day. It's the thing that doesn't change in a world that's slowly fading from my memory.
The air smells like antiseptic, a smell that tries to hide the smell of sickness and exhaustion. It mixes with the smell of earth from outside and the cool breeze from the open window. This is my world, a world limited by four walls. Its filled with stories I often forget. I'm like a person in a library where the pages keep falling out and blowing away.
"Mia are you awake?"
Nurse Sarah's soft voice broke into my thoughts. She came in with her cart of medicines. Sarah always smiles, even when her eyes are tired from working a shift. Her smile is like a light in a dark hallway.
I nodded slowly. Moving my neck felt like a big effort. My head felt heavy like a stone was pressing down on it. This happens every time I wake up from one of my "blackouts."
"What time is it?" I asked. My voice was hoarse like an instrument that hadn't been used in a long time.
"It's three in the afternoon. You fell asleep after your check-up this morning " she said while checking my IV. Her hands were quick and careful like I might break easily.
That's when I started to feel anxious. A cold feeling crawled up my spine. *A check-up this morning?* I tried to remember. There was nothing. I remembered eating breakfast watching birds outside the window. Nothing after that. The gap between breakfast and now was a hole in my mind. This is my illness, a condition the doctors can't fully explain. It makes me lose consciousness and steal my memories.
I'm like a painting that's erased and redrawn on the canvas. Sometimes everything is clear; I feel every color and detail. Times I wake up and all that's left is a blurry shadow of who I was. I'm afraid one day the canvas will tear from being erased much.
"Your friends are in the garden. They've been asking about you " Nurse Sarah said before leaving. She left a tablet on my table.
I forced myself to get up. Every muscle felt heavy, like gravity was stronger in the hospital. Even though my knees were weak and my vision was blurry I had to go out. The garden is the place I feel alive away from the hospital smells and sounds. There under the mango tree my friends are waiting – Kim, Jerome and Ian.
As I walked down the hallway I looked at my hands. They were shaking, not from cold. From a deep fear. I'm afraid that the time I close my eyes I won't remember who I am. Or worse I'll wake up. See strangers when I look at Kim and Jerome. Losing my past is scarier than death. What is a person without a story?
I reached the garden. The air was fresh smelling of grass and flowers. I saw my friends away. Kim had a pink bandana on her head hiding her hair loss from chemotherapy. Despite what shes going Kim is the most vibrant one – always with a story always laughing.
Jerome was laughing loudly waving his hands. He was in a "phase of his bipolar disorder, full of energy that seemed ready to burst. Ian sat quietly in his wheelchair looking at the horizon lost in thought. His silence brought peace to our group.
"Mia finally Sleeping Beauty is awake!" Kim shouted, waving at me. Her voice was full of life like she hadn't just had a treatment that morning.
I smiled, a smile that doesn't often happen in my room. Everything was clear in that moment – the sun on my skin Jerome's laughter, the smell of grass. We're a family of wounded warriors in Javier Hospital. We don't talk about our illnesses; we don't need to explain why we're here. We're people brought together by fate in a place with a lot of pain. We choose to find sweetness in our own way.
We don't know how long we'll be here or when our bodies will give up. Each of us has our clock" ticking, a countdown we can't see but can feel with every breath.. As long as we're awake as long as we can see the light we'll fight. We fight not for tomorrow. For this afternoon.
I sat with my friends feeling their warmth. I was ready to listen to Kim's dreams, Jerome's es ideas and Ian's poems. I know I might forget these stories tomorrow. I'll treasure them in my heart for now.
Because at Javier Hospital I've learned that memories can disappear. The feeling of love and friendship stays in the soul.. For now that's enough. The white walls of my room are away and all that matters is my friends laughter, under the mango tree.