Chapter 2: The Independent Contractor Clause
Sir Bradly's grip on his glowing claymore faltered. The term "embezzlement" didn't usually appear in heroic prophecies. Behind him, the Mage—a woman in silk robes that cost more than a small village—shifted uncomfortably.
"We... we don't know what you're talking about, Imp," Bradly blustered, though his 'Radiance Aura' flickered like a dying lightbulb. "The Sun God provides. We are his vessels. Now, move aside so we can cleanse this tomb!"
Aris didn't move. He adjusted his tie and tapped a specific icon on his clipboard.
"See, that's the problem with 'Divine Vessels,'" Aris said. "Technically, under the *Supernatural Agency Act*, a vessel is a sub-contractor. And according to my records, your 'contract' hasn't been notarized by the Central Administration. You're operating as an unlicensed soul-harvester."
He turned his back on the Heroes—a move of supreme bureaucratic arrogance—and looked at the Lich trapped in the golden cubicle.
"Lord Malphas, I'm going to need you to sign a **Form 10-B**," Aris muttered.
**"WHAT IS A 10-B?"** the Lich hissed, his skeletal jaw clicking in confusion.
"It's an **Emergency Deputization Affidavit**," Aris explained, his fingers flying across the holographic screen. "Right now, you're a 'Villain.' Villains have 'Attack Patterns' and 'Phase Transitions' that the Heroes can predict because they're hard-coded into the System. But if I Deputize you as a **Field Enforcement Officer for the C.A.O.S. Audit Division**, you become a 'Civil Servant.'"
Aris grinned, and for the first time, Malphas looked genuinely terrified of the Imp.
"And Civil Servants," Aris whispered, "aren't bound by 'Boss Mechanics.' We don't have 'Weak Points.' We have **Statutory Immunity**."
**[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]**
> **Requesting Role Change: Malphas the Undying**
> **Current Role:** *Dungeon Boss (Level 20)*
> **New Role:** *Junior Enforcement Deputy (Probationary)*
> **Warning:** *This will remove 'Epic Loot' drops but increase 'Bureaucratic Spite' by 400%.*
"Sign it," Aris commanded.
The Lich pressed a bony thumb against the screen. A dark, jagged seal appeared.
**[PROMOTION GRANTED]**
> **Deputy Malphas is now 'On the Clock'.**
> **New Passive Skill: [The Long Arm of the Law]** – *Melee range increased by 200% when 'Serving a Warrant'.*
> **New Active Skill: [Red Tape Entanglement]** – *Roots enemies in place for 10 seconds for every 'Unfiled Permit' in their inventory.*
The golden cubicle vanished, replaced by a dull, grey aura that felt significantly more depressing than necromancy. Malphas stood up, but instead of his jagged obsidian staff, he was now holding a spectral, ten-foot-long iron ruler.
"Now then," Aris turned back to the Heroes. Sir Bradly was already mid-charge, his sword coming down in a vertical arc meant to split an Imp in half.
"Halt!" Aris shouted.
**[SKILL ACTIVATED: Red Tape Entanglement]**
Suddenly, dozens of translucent, crimson ribbons erupted from the floorboards, wrapping around Bradly's ankles, wrists, and throat. They weren't made of silk; they were made of dense, printed legalese.
"What is this?!" Bradly yelled, struggling against the ribbons. "I can't... I can't move my arms!"
"You're being detained for an 'Improper Entry' and 'Failure to Disclose Divine Kickbacks,'" Aris said, walking up to the paralyzed Paladin. He reached into the Hero's belt pouch and pulled out a small, glowing jade marble.
"The Mage," Aris called out, pointing his pen at the woman in the back. "Don't even think about casting *Greater Fireball*. This room has a 'No Smoking' ordinance, and I will fine your entire bloodline into poverty."
The Mage's hands, already crackling with mana, went limp.
Aris held up the jade marble. "This is an **XP-Siphon**. It's a 'Bug' disguised as a 'Blessing.' Every time you 'purify' a monster, 90% of the energy goes into this marble, which then uploads it to the 'Cloud'—specifically, the Sun God's private server."
He looked at Malphas, who was looming over the Heroes like a very tall, very skeletal debt collector.
"Deputy Malphas, please escort our 'Guests' to the Holding Pens. Not the 'Spiky Ones'—those are still under investigation. Put them in the 'Awaiting Processing' room. The one with the broken heater and the damp floor."
**"WITH PLEASURE,"** Malphas rasped, his ruler glowing with a dull, grey light. **"DO I GET TO WATERBOARD THEM?"**
"We call it 'Enhanced Interrogation Logistics' now," Aris corrected. "And only if they refuse to provide their tax ID numbers."
As the Lich dragged the screaming Heroes away, Aris turned back to the Mana-Core. The siphoning hadn't stopped. In fact, now that the "Golden Dawn" party was incapacitated, the Core was flashing a violent red.
> **[CRITICAL ALERT]**
> **Remote Deletion Initiated.** > **Source:** *The Divine Consultancy.*
> **Message:** *"Loose ends will be cauterized. Thank you for your service."*
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," Aris muttered, his wings buzzing in agitation. "They're going to 'Overload' the dungeon to hide the evidence. A 'Tactical Sanctification' wipe."
He looked at his clipboard. He had three minutes before the entire Maw of Despair became a crater of holy glitter.
"Time for a 'Hostile Takeover,'" Aris whispered.
Aris stared at the flashing red warning on his clipboard. The "Tactical Sanctification" was essentially a corporate wipe—the Sun God was about to "delete" the Maw of Despair to cover up the XP-skimming scandal.
If Aris stays, he burns. If he flees, he's an unemployed Imp in a world that hates bureaucrats.
"Lord Malphas!" Aris shouted over the sound of divine trumpets beginning to echo through the stone halls. "The Sun God is filing for your 'Liquidation.' Literally! We need to move!"
**"LIQUIDATION? I AM IMMORTAL!"** the Lich screamed, dragging the tied-up Heroes back into the room.
"You're a line item on a spreadsheet, Malphas! And right now, you're being deleted!"
Aris looked at his two options. A **Hard-Reset** would wipe the XP-Siphon but might scramble his own consciousness back to the "Chicago Project Manager" default, leaving him a helpless human in a room with a confused Lich. But **Selling**... selling was a skill he'd mastered long before he grew wings.
"We're going with the **Hostile Takeover**," Aris decided, his fingers blurring across the holographic interface. "We need a rival bidder. Someone who hates the Sun God and has enough 'Dark Capital' to cover a massive insurance buyout."
### **The "Bailout" Maneuver**
Aris opened the **Inter-Planar Marketplace**—a dark-web version of LinkedIn for deities.
> **[BROADCASTING ENCRYPTED RFP (Request for Proposal)]**
> **Asset:** *The Maw of Despair (Prime Real Estate, High Hero Traffic)*
> **Status:** *Undergoing Hostile Sanctification.*
> **Price:** *1 Soul-Contract & Immediate Debt Assumption.*
A notification chimed instantly. A screen popped up, showing a woman lounging on a throne of shadow, filing her nails with a dagger made of solidified grief.
**"The Auditor,"** she purred. Her nameplate read: *Eris, Goddess of Chaotic Litigation & Unpaid Debts.* **"I heard the Sun God was trying to audit-proof his portfolio. You're offering me his favorite XP-farm?"**
"It's not a farm, it's a crime scene," Aris said, sweating as the ceiling began to crack, leaking blinding white light. "Buy the dungeon, assume the 'Safety Violations,' and you get the evidence of the Sun God's embezzlement. You can sue him in the High Astral Court for centuries."
Eris grinned. **"I love a good class-action lawsuit. Send the deed."**
**The Transfer of Power**
Aris slammed his "Stapler of the Damned" onto the Mana-Core just as the "Sanctification" reached 99%.
> **[NOTICE OF ACQUISITION]**
> *The Maw of Despair has been purchased by 'Chaos Holdings LLC'.*
> *Current Owner: Goddess Eris.*
> *Lead Consultant: Aris Thorne.*
> *New Policy: All Holy Light is now subject to a 'Tension Tax'.*
The blinding white light didn't explode. Instead, it turned a muddy, bureaucratic grey and was sucked into the Mana-Core like water down a drain. The "Sanctification" was neutralized—not by magic, but by a change in ownership. You can't "sanitize" property that belongs to a different jurisdiction.
Aris slumped against the core, his heart (or whatever imps had) hammering.
"Malphas," Aris panted. "Congratulations. You're no longer an 'Undead Scourge.' You're now a 'Tax-Sheltered Asset'."
**"DO I STILL GET TO KEEP THE LAVA PIT?"** the Lich asked tentatively.
"Only if we install a 'Caution: Hot' sign every five feet," Aris groaned. He looked at the Hero party, who were now staring at him in utter horror. "And as for you, Sir Bradly... your 'Divine Favor' just became 'Evidence Item A.' I hope you kept your receipts."
**The Spirit Award Trajectory**
Aris has just pulled off the impossible: he's leveraged a "System Wipe" into a promotion. He is now the bridge between a Goddess of Chaos and a corrupt Heavens.