PJ didn't even pretend to knock. There I was on my bed, huddled up under the covers with my oversized hoodie, scrolling tiktok for hours on end. She sighed.
"Oh wow," she said, "You've been here for days."
"Hours," I corrected. And I'm only resting.
"Well, you've been 'resting' for four months."
I rolled onto my side, pulling my blanket tighter. "I'm not going."
She laughed like I told a joke. "You're definitely going. You can't hide in here forever."
I knew exactly what she was talking about. Markus, my ex. The one who we never talked about anymore but somehow always lingered in all our conversations. Markus could be described as effortlessly charming. Everyone loved him. Professors, students, girls who swooned whenever he spoke. Me most of all.
They never knew who he really was, and neither did I. Under the smiles and the good looks, Markus was a complete sociopath. It was already too late before I had realized. The worst part wasn't the break up. It was the fact that I had finally let my guard down, only for my heart to be broken into a million pieces. It was realizing that I had believed him when he said I was different.
"That's why I don't date anymore, especially popular guys."
PJ sat beside me. "You don't avoid guys, you avoid disappointment," she said quietly. I looked away. I had nothing to say.
She stood up abruptly and tossed something at me. It was a shiny paper bag with something wrapped inside. I apprehensively brought it out and unwrapped it. A black dress.
"You're wearing this and you're coming to the party. I Know you've said no and I've successfully ignored you."
I groaned, dragging a hand down my face. "You know I hate those things. It's just going to be filled with drunk people trying to outdo each other at the art of being stupid."
"And that's why it's perfect for you. At least you could have a good laugh and have some fun in your life," PJ retorted.
I snorted despite myself, then my phone buzzed.
Unknown Number: I know you said no, but I'd really like it if you came
I felt it again. That strange pull. The sense that I had met him before. Not his face exactly, but something else. It was a kind of familiarity that I couldn't explain.
I shook it off. It was probably a coincidence, nothing more.
PJ leaned against the desk, watching me the way people do when they think they already know the answer.
"You know what scares me?" she said. "It's not the fact that you got hurt. It's that you decided that because of your pain, you're going to shut the world out forever."
I scoffed. "I'm not shutting the world out. I'm just being careful."
"Careful?" she laughed mirthlessly. "You used to argue with professors. You used to sing your heart out in front of hundreds of people, without giving a shit. Now you attend a capella rehearsals, but you never show up to live performances. Yeah, I know. Katie told me. And to make things even worse, you won't attend a dinner just because one guy turned out to be trash?"
I opened my mouth, then closed it. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for her monologue.
She softened. "He didn't just ghost you. He made you doubt yourself. And you let that stick.
"That's not fair," I said quietly.
"Maybe not." She admitted. "But it's definitely the truth.
An uncomfortable silence stretched between us.
"You don't have to fall in love," she continued. You don't even have to talk to any guys all night. Just… don't disappear. Not again."
I looked down at my hands. "What if I go and realize that I'm still broken?"
She let out a sad smile. "Then at least you'll know. Hiding doesn't fix anything. It just makes your world smaller.
Her words settled somewhere deep in my chest and I read the message again.
PJ peeked over my shoulder at the text I was still re-reading. "Is that rain boy?" she asked grinning. I groaned. "Don't call him that.
"Then why are you smiling?" PJ was already laughing. She squeezed my shoulder. "Just one night. If you hate it, I swear we'll leave. I'll even fake an emergency if I have to."
I hesitated, then sighed. "Fine."
PJ jumped on the bed screaming, her squeals already close to shattering my eardrums.
The door clicked shut behind PJ and the room felt quiet. I was halfway to my bed when I saw my phone lying face up, the screen reflecting my unsent message draft. I flipped it over, then back again.
Me: I'm sorry, I'm not coming.
I erased the message and locked my screen. I turned and screamed into my pillow. This could have never been me four months ago. PJ was right. Markus took something away from me when we broke up, and I couldn't let that keep affecting me forever. I had to move on and heal, even if it took just baby steps. I swallowed hard and reached for the dress PJ had left draped over my chair. I caressed it gently and tugged at the straps.
My phone buzzed again. I hesitated before picking it up, irritation and anticipation tangling in my chest.
Sean: You always do that thing where you hesitate before deciding. Just saying.
I frowned and reread the message. My fingers curled slightly around my phone.
Always? I'd barely spoken to him. We'd collided in the rain, exchanged sharp words and that was it. I hadn't told him anything about myself, certainly not enough for him to know how I made decisions. A strange unease crept over me.