To me it had just been several weeks since we begun dating, can I call it dating? I'll call it the talking stage, I feel like we might be in it for life though.
School had resumed for him which meant he was away most of the time. Rashid is always hot and cold, sometimes even simultaneously. They say nothing made him this way but I think there really is something.
Is there a way that out of nowhere someone just changes faces. Either it's something mental or him wanting it.
You know, faking it until you make it.
My parents, mostly my mom wants to meet him. I don't have a problem with that, my problem is, does he really have feelings for me, am I just a past time?
Riley had told me it was the first time Rashid wanted to be in a relationship with anyone. To me I think it's maybe because his favorite human was seeing someone and he didn't want to get in between. That doesn't stop him from calling Riley about his day everyday like always.
I had always been jealous, even when he hadn't agreed to anything between us. That was one relation I knew I couldn't get between. It was the reason I went forward to know Blane first. I just wanted to know if there was anything between them.
To Riley, there was nothing, to Rashid, I don't really know. I can't seem to know his thought processes.
"Where are you off to?"
"Class, I have a full day today. I made food, you can warm it."
"I thought we were staying together?"
"I have studies, my schedule is right there for you to see."
I'd been told that always availing myself was what was feeding him...that from Riley had made me think twice. But I love him, what if I step back and he takes off?
"There is that risk, but isn't it better to know before you fall deeper?"
"I don't want to try him."
"It might hurt you but there are times you have to know what you're fighting for. If he'll fight back it was energy well spent if not, you learn to leave and move on."
At the moment even thinking about leaving him hurt me. He didn't even check my schedule, while I know his by heart... touche'.
"I'll be late tonight."
I want to try hot and cold too. Might hurt me, might hurt him but if I don't, I'll hurt more for not knowing. Or for rejecting the signs.
"Fine then, don't wake me up when you come in."
A six month course isn't much. Fixing everything learnable within it and making sure you caught something was what I was really after. I knew the basics, had been doing part-time since high school at a bakery.
I wanted to learn as much as I could because Riley was right, I needed to know how to provide for someone like Rashid. They must have climbed their way up in that country because no one really just comes and steps over others, I've read a lot of gang stories to know. But at the moment, he had money to use, money he didn't use because I've seen him use his own card once or twice, when it was an impromptu purchase.
He said he loved saving money for a rainy day, or for a new project. Apparently he loves those more than anything.
-Mom!
-How was your day son?
-Fulfilling. Got through a recipe I had been struggling with.
-Your dad has been looking through buildings where you can start up, I still need to ask if you're sure about it.
-Isn't it too soon, I just begun studying.
-It's never too soon.
-Then I'm sure. Though it'd be best if it was around here.
-You're still trying to make him happy, what about your happiness?
-I am happy.
I want to be happy, I don't mind about what anyone else says but I really want to be happy.
**********
Two minutes of ringing before the phone was picked up.
-I seriously hope it's serious.
-Is Blane with you?
-Yeah! Just woke up, he's in the bathroom.
-I want to talk with him, can I come over?
-No! Sorry Rashid but we have plans, the phonecall has to work...for several minutes.
I think I've been with Blane, Taffy and Nicole each weekend, this one is new and I didn't like it. But if they had plans I shouldn't step between them.
"Kaleb isn't home?"
"No! He has class the whole day."
"It's a Saturday."
"Right....."
"He always has full days from Thursday, didn't you know that?"
I fell silent at Riley's question. Of course I didn't know it. However much I wanted someone around, I'd never thought I needed to know everything about them.
Also, Kaleb never pushed me to do anything, know anything and I felt it was for the best.
"He's being cold to me."
"Then maybe start by being warm to him. That guy is trying his hardest for you, trying to know you, trying to fit you in his iterenary. What have you done for him?"
He was the one trying to be close to me, do I have to do that just to reciprocate? He wanted the goods, so he had to do everything to get them.
"Maybe he should stop and leave. You don't need him anyway."
"STOP THAT!"
Hearing about him leaving felt like a punch to my gut, yet he wasn't even the one saying it.
I want him with me, I don't want him to leave. He can't leave, I won't let him leave. If he leaves me then what?
"If you don't want him to leave then it's high time you think about what you really want. Why do you want him, how bad do you want him."
"And sane ways to keep him."
"Yeah! That too. If you do something crazy I'll be first to send you to jail."
I hadn't been thinking of locking him up...I assure you. Or maybe tracking him, that could seriously work, that way I'll know where he is at every juncture.
"Is tracking him crazy?"
"Is that a question or an answer?"
"Rashid, I think you should ask yourself, has he ever given you reason to think he needs to be tracked?"
He hasn't, but my head has, a good number of times. Him knowing the guys doesn't seem to be enough. Maybe I need to look for something that will keep me at ease.
"The best thing you need to do is open your heart and mind, it's that easy."
"What do you mean?"
"You've never let him in. He has to observe you to know what you like, to know how you feel. It doesn't hurt to just open your mouth once in a while and say it.
It also doesn't hurt to learn something about him. Do you even know his favorite color or food, books, movies. What do you know about him except his name?"
Seriously speaking, even if I turn my brain around, I can't find anything but a huge blank when it comes to Kaleb.
"Think about that and let me take my man out, though I doubt he can walk."
THIS BASTARD!