For exactly three minutes and forty-two seconds, the two most terrifying Demon Lords in history stood on their fortress balcony, awkwardly holding a world-ending sphere of dark magic above their heads.
Malakor's arms were starting to cramp.
Kaelen was sweating profusely, the raw dark energy burning his palms.
They looked down at the tiny picnic blanket in the valley. Leo was casually tossing grapes into the air and catching them in his mouth. Maya was tapping her foot, checking her nails, entirely unbothered by the apocalypse hovering just a few miles away.
Kaelen swallowed hard, the dark lightning of the Oblivion Sphere crackling against his horns. "Brother... did you see how fast the Ancient Calamity flew away? The World-Burner looked like a frightened pigeon."
Malakor's eye twitched. "I saw it, Kaelen."
"And the Dragon King," Kaelen continued, his voice trembling slightly. "The Sovereign of the Skies is running errands for them. He's doing fetch quests, Malakor."
Malakor slowly looked at his younger brother. The realization hit them both at the exact same cinematic moment. The camera pushed in tight on their horrified faces.
If these two humans could subjugate the literal mythological gods of the Eight Kingdoms and treat them like unpaid interns... what were they going to do to two bickering demon brothers?
"Cancel the spell," Malakor whispered.
"What?"
"Cancel the spell!" Malakor shrieked, panic finally breaking his terrifying facade. "Dispel it! Throw it in the volcano! If we throw this at them and it spills that woman's fruit salad, she will unmake our entire bloodline!"
With a frantic, chaotic gesture, the two Demon Lords hurled the Oblivion Sphere backward into the caldera of a nearby active volcano. The resulting explosion shattered the mountain peak, but the brothers didn't even look back.
Malakor grabbed Kaelen by the collar. "What do human nobles like?! Think, you idiot! We need to offer them something they value before they decide our skulls would make nice soup bowls!"
"Gold?! Slaves?! Torture devices?!" Kaelen panicked.
"No! They want a hotel!" Malakor realized, remembering Leo's amplified shout. "They want the master bedroom! Quick, use your shadow magic! Conjure something hospitable! Turn this armor into something... polite!"
Down in the valley, Leo had just caught his fourth grape in a row when the ground began to rumble.
He sat up, squinting toward the Obsidian Fortress. A massive cloud of dust was kicking up as two towering figures sprinted down the jagged mountain path at breakneck speed.
They weren't charging with battle-axes. They weren't roaring battle cries.
They were carrying a silver platter and a freshly ironed towel.
With a screeching halt that tore up the grass, Malakor and Kaelen slid to a stop exactly five feet from the edge of the picnic blanket.
Maya lowered her magazine.
The two imposing Demon Lords—beings of pure nightmare and shadow—were breathing heavily. Over their spiked, indestructible demonic armor, they had frantically conjured matching, perfectly tailored black-and-white butler outfits. Malakor was wearing a ridiculously small red bowtie around his thick, muscular neck. Kaelen had a pristine white napkin draped over his forearm.
The entire two-million-strong Vanguard of the Apocalypse watched in stunned, pin-drop silence from the mountain ridges.
"Room service!" Malakor announced, his booming, demonic voice cracking slightly as he forced the most terrifying, strained customer-service smile in existence.
Kaelen aggressively bowed so low his horns stuck into the dirt. "Welcome to the Obsidian Resort and Spa, O Great Patrons! We noticed you were taking a break, and we wished to offer our most humble, five-star hospitality! Please, do not vaporize us!"
Leo stared at them. He looked at Malakor's tiny bowtie, then looked at Maya.
Maya slowly took off her sun hat. She looked the two terrified Demon Lords up and down, inspecting their posture, the cleanliness of the silver platter, and the sheer desperation in their glowing red eyes.
"Well," Maya said, her voice completely flat. "The Elves had better skincare, but your response time is significantly faster. Do you have a penthouse suite?"
"The highest in the realm, Madam!" Malakor practically shouted, tears of sheer relief welling in his eyes. "Freshly swept! The tortured souls have been entirely evicted! We have a lovely view of the lava falls!"
"Excellent," Maya said, snapping her fingers. "Grab the picnic basket, Jeeves. We're checking in."
Kaelen scrambled forward on his knees, gently picking up the wicker basket as if it contained a live bomb.
Leo chuckled, standing up and brushing the grass off his floral shorts. He patted Malakor firmly on his armored, butler-suited shoulder. "Good pivot, guys. Real smart business move. Now, what's your policy on late checkout?"