NQABA CELE
"What is wrong?" I ask as she looks at me like I took her favorite toy. It's nothing new. I am fifteen minutes late and she is throwing her toys. I really don't know what she wants from me. She walks up to me with a scowl on her face and slaps me hard. I think she might have broken her hand this time. I hope she has.
"you are late." She says looking straight into my eyes. I don't understand what I should have done. I mean, it's not like my car can fly. What am I supposed to do when the traffic is heavy. She slaps me again and it stings again.
"Traffic was heavy, hence I am late." She looks at me long and hard, clicks her tongue and walks to the kitchen. I decide not argue. I go to the bedroom, shrug my clothes off and walk into the bathroom for a long hot shower. I guess I'll have to make my own dinner tonight since I was late. That's happens. If I do anything that she doesn't like, she punishes any way she sees fit. The hot water cascades down my back loosening my muscles a little. My mind drifts to the times when I used to look forward to coming home. The times I used to be excited to buy her flowers on my way home. The times I looked forward to our weekends away with our son who is eight years old now. I remember when he was born, I was happy, so excited to be a father. For a while we were a family, happy until that fateful day. The day that changed everything. It started small. She would get angry if I forget to put a dirty piece of clothing in the laundry basket. I mean, I am not an untidy person. I am actually very neat but I am human or if I forget to put the toilet sit down. Then the slaps came. The first time she slapped me, I was so shocked. I was frozen, didn't know what to say to her. The next day she apologized promising she won't do it again. Since than it has escalated, from slaps to fists, to belts and whips.
I don't know why I haven't left. That day, the day she got her promotion and started earning more money than me changed everything. It's not love that's keeping me here, that has me still married to her and it is definitely not our son because he doesn't live with us anymore. Last year this woman managed to convince me to let Lwandle our son to live with my parents. For my own sanity and peace I agreed. I agreed because he was starting to ask questions, seeing things, even when he came over for weekends nothing changes. He doesn't come over for weekends anymore. She doesn't even try to hide all of it from her own son. She doesn't care if he sees or not.
I walk out of the shower, dry myself and wear my pyjama pants. I stand in front of the mirror looking at the tattoo on my chest just below where the heart is. A tattoo that covers two stab wounds, that almost killed me just because I spent too much time hanging out with my friends. I fought and came out alive for my son. I am glad he is staying with my parents and strangely, he understands why he is staying there. He always asks me why I don't go and live with my parents too. Only if he knew that I tried and I almost died even then. I look at the scar on my abdomen. The knife missed my liver by a few centimeters. Even then I survived. My son has kept me going through all this.
I put on my vest and I walk out of the bedroom and head towards the kitchen. I find her dishing up in the kitchen and lucky for me I don't have to make my own food. I don't say anything to her, I don't want to say anything, I might just say something that will set off. I can only hope that she has not drugged the food. I just grab a beer from the fridge, walk to the lounge and comfortably sit switching on the TV. It looks like tonight is going to be peaceful, which is exactly what I need after the day I have had. I think it's time I have a conversation with my lawyer. I cannot live like this anymore. I have a job, a very good job at that. I was promoted two years ago and I never said anything to my wife. All I did was talk to my boss. Asked him to pay me my normal salary in the account that my wife has excess to and the difference goes into a savings account that I opened when I got the promotion. I had to explain to my boss why I wanted it like this as it was an unusual request and something the company has never done but he agreed and offered to help me whenever I needed it. I think I am going to need his help. It's been seven years married to her. Five years since the abuse began.
I hear her foot steps. Not rushed, she hands me the tray with my food in it and walks back to the kitchen to fetch her own food. She sits not too far not too close either, which is fine by me because I don't need her breathing in my space. I don't even look at her, I just continue watching the TV until I finish eating, after which I walk towards the kitchen washing my plate, discarding of the empty beer bottle and getting another one and go back to watching the movie. It's Friday today, no work tomorrow so I intend to rest and enjoy my weekend. Tomorrow I am going to spend the day with my son and my best friend Mabutho. She knows that. I don't compromise on that. At first she had a problem with it and I simply told her that she can kill me if she wants to but she is not going to stop me from loving my son and spending time with him. You would think a man my size wouldn't let a tiny a woman like her abuse him but I was raised and taught to never ever lay a hand on a woman. My father always said, "if you value your live, you will never hit a woman no matter what."
"Tomorrow I am spending time with Lwandle. I'll be home late or maybe be back Sunday afternoon. Don't cook, I'll have dinner at my parent's house." She simply nods and walks to the kitchen. After a while she comes out, she was probably cleaning up.
"I'm going to bed." I simply just nod and continue watching tv. She is probably going to go through my phone checking everything. At least I don't get my emails on my phone. Otherwise she would have known about the other account. I never knew I would need the house I bought two years ago which I have managed to hide from her with my dad's help. It's time for me to get my life in order. I cannot live like this anymore. I cannot deprive my son time with his father. He should be staying with us but because his mother is a psycho, I had to sacrifice. It's time now stand up for myself. I've let this woman walk all over me for a long time now. It's time for me to man up and take care of my shit and make sure my son has the best future and never becomes like me. He needs to learn that you can walk away from a toxic situation no matter what.
MILANI CELE
Gosh my hand hurts. I think slapped him too hard. I wonder how come he has never hit me back but that doesn't matter because I no he would never, no matter what I do to him. What matters is that I have control in this marriage. My word is law and that is what matters. I am never going to be one of those women who gets told by man what to do. No one will ever tell me what to do. All I needed was the promotion at work, that put me in a better position than Nqaba. Now I earn more than him, have higher position than him and all he has to do, is bow to me. I have the kind of control I control I wanted at work and it was time I had it at home as well. It's been five years since I got the promotion, since I took over everything in this house. It's been four living in this house. I bought a bigger house for us that the one we before. We sold it and bought this one and made sure it is in my name only. He's been driving the same car for four years now, maybe I should buy him another one. That he'll know that he cannot be without me. All he has to do is to follow the rules and we'll be fine. Sometimes he just makes me angry and I lose it. I had to threaten his son and parents to get him in line to get him to follow my rules.
I remember when we were still dating, he used to do everything for me. He never wanted me to use my salary. He would always say that he can take care of me, that I can use my salary to do whatever I want. I didn't want that. I wanted control, I wanted to have the power and I knew that no matter how angry I made him, he would never lay a hand on me. I studied him and watched him and got to know what he can and cannot do to me no matter what. I also thought I would never lay a hand on him but it started with a push. He came home late that night and he didn't tell me that he was going to be late and I had cooked a special dinner for us. He tried to apologize but I wouldn't have it. "The rules are simple Nqaba, you tell me when you are going to be late." I said to him as I pushed him so hard he fell almost hit his head on the wall. I guess he was not expecting that to happen hence it was easy to push him. The man is a big man, a push from me is nothing. I walked out on him and he didn't say anything about it that night. The next day he told me how he didn't appreciate what I did, how there was no need for it. I apologized and we moved on.
Seeing him like that did something to me. I felt like he was mocking me, I felt like he was trying to control me and since then it has escalated to slaps, fists and he never fought back which worked for me. He would get angry but instead of fighting back, he would walk away. I felt powerful. That gave me the power I needed to control him. My phone pings and it's group message from my friends.
"Hey ladies,
"Do you have plans tomorrow night?" Naledi asks sounding excited.
"I don't have plans." Emihle
"I also don't have plans." I say, and it's quiet for a bit, I think we are all waiting for Khazimla to respond.
"I guess Khazi is busy, anyway, how about we go out for dinner and just have fun. It's been a minute since we hung out together." Naledi
We all agree that we would go out tomorrow night.
"Is your husband going to allow you to come Milani?" Naledi asks. This one knows that I do whatever I want when I want. They all know that.
"Oh please Naledi, that is such a stupid question to ask. You know Milani has control in that marriage, which is good for her. If it was the other way around she would not be available tomorrow." Emihle says.
"I guess you are right." Naledi sounding off as usual when it comes to the topic of my husband. This time she doesn't say much. Thank god Khazi is not available otherwise she would have something to say.
We end our chat agreeing about tomorrow, where we are going and the time to meet. Now what am I going to wear. I think I should also put my plan into motion now. Nqaba won't know what hit him. I know he is going to leave early tomorrow and come back late or even sleep over at his parent's house. I had to compromise on that because no matter what I did, it never changed how he loved his son. He loves that boy so much, he will do anything for him and that works to my advantage. As long as Lwandle is not around, there are no limits to what I can do. When he was here I had to control myself with certain things.
He never even told his parents or his friend about what was happening here. They only found out because Lwandle couldn't keep his mouth shut. I should have given him a beating just to teach him that he needs to keep his nose out adult business but then again that boy loves his father and hates my guts. I wish he can understand that this is to teach him to know that he can never control a woman. He needs to know that this is what happens when you try to control a woman. He needs to understand that no man is above all.
Nqaba has a work trip coming up. I am not sure if I want to allow him to go but at the same time I don't want him to blame me for not getting anywhere with his career. This could work to my advantage. Let me sleep on it and see.
I know he won't come to bed to anytime soon, he might even sleep in the spare room tonight. Tonight is one of those night that he tells himself he needs his space. He needs to breathe and not think about anything. I let have these nights every now and again. I've learned that I shouldn't suffocate him too much otherwise he'll walk away. I have to try and not push too hard. I need to keep him here and still under my control.
When I first met him, I liked him a lot. I studied him and got to know him and understand him. He is a simple man that loves hard. He gives chances even to people who do not deserve those chances. He works hard and plans properly. I know he probably has our son's future all planned out. I know he is making sure that Lwandle is secured in every sense including financially. With what he earns he managed to take care of me and our household needs. Now he is just taking care of his kid. I won't take that away from him but I can never have him take care of me or our household needs ever again. I don't want to owe a man. I don't want him to tell me that he has been taking care of me when I want to walk to away. I want to be free and not be guilt tripped into staying just because he is my man and has been doing everything for me.
Man can feel entitled to a woman just because they are financially taking care of her every need. That's not me. It has never been me. It was hard for me before we got married and got the promotion. It was hard to pretend to be timid and submissive to a man.