Even though time is passing quickly, everything inside seems to be frozen. The weight in my chest doesn't change, but life continues to move forward. On certain days, I feel like I'm running, but not in the direction of anything. On certain nights, I feel as though the world is spinning without me. This is the tale of enduring that silence, that weight, and that ongoing internal conflict. This is the sensation of being muted.
I do not know if I am fighting myself or trying to save myself. Every day feels like a war between the person who I was the person I have become and the person I could be. There is another one inside that forces me to look at the mess I have become.
It feels like a child, helpless and hungry not for food. For something deeper something real. No matter what I do he is never satisfied. No high no distraction no thrill can quiet his cries. It is like he is starving for meaning for something I lost along the way. I do not know when exactly I started losing myself. I feel it now this emptiness that I keep trying to fill with things that only make it worse.
I used to have fire in me the person I was. I had dreams, goals, discipline, a vision of who I wanted to become the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be strong the person I could be. Now I feel nothing, surrounded by people who laugh, who play along. Do not really see me the person I have become. Maybe they do not. Maybe they are just as lost as I am the person I am.
The world around me does not help, the world around the person I have become. Everyone seems the same, lost distracted, playing a role the role I have been playing. Nobody really sees each other nobody really listens nobody really listens to me the person I'm. It is all noise the noise I have been making.. I have been part of that noise for too long the noise the person I have become has been making.
The part, the part that refuses to give up the part of the person I was it is still there. It is telling me to wake up to stop running to face it and stop numbing the pain and actually do something about it something about the person I have become. It tells me that I still can change the person I am can still change. I can still be who I was wanting to be the person I wanted to be.
I know what I need to do the person I am needs to do. I need to cut ties with everything and everyone that is pulling me down the person I have become down. I need to start feeding my mind, my body and my soul with what actually matters what matters to the person I was. I need to stop making excuses and start taking action the action the person I was would take.
I do not want to be this person the person I have become. I do not want to feel like that the way the person I am feels. I want to be alive the person I was wants to be alive again. I want to fight for myself the person I'm, for the ones that I truly love and care about, the ones that the person I was loves and cares about.
And yet, somewhere deep inside, a small voice refuses to be silenced. It whispers that change is possible, that the chains I feel around me aren't unbreakable. Maybe I'm still fighting. Maybe I'm still trying to save myself. Or maybe… this is the moment I finally begin.