Months had passed. Names became familiar, faces became ordinary, but I still didn't feel like I belonged anywhere.
A few months ago, a girl named Ayşe joined our class as a transfer student. She didn't want to be my seatmate. She claimed that even my mere presence ruined her psychology. I don't know why; I could never ask. When the teacher entered, she'd say she wanted to change seats, and when I got upset, she'd say it was just a joke.
Eventually, our seats changed. This time, the girls she sat with started shipping me with a boy from another school. I didn't even know him. I started talking to that boy. Why? Because there was pain inside me. Was it a lack of love or a bad feeling lingering within? I never knew.
We talked on Instagram, but he would reply late, get angry at me, and make me feel unloved. Something could have happened, perhaps, but it never truly began. One day, Ayşe, my former seatmate, shouted for me to hear:
"His ex-girlfriend was so beautiful, and she always got a 100 in math."
My throat tightened. It felt like everyone in class was looking at me. My eyes filled with tears... but I didn't lift my head. Was she saying these things because he didn't love me? Maybe Ayşe really didn't like me. And Selin? I think she didn't see me as a friend. She was just hanging out with me to avoid being alone.
Why was I still friends with her? Because I was afraid of being alone again, just like in middle school. That's when I realized: Talking to animals is easier than talking to humans.
You might ask: "Why was Selin doing this?"
I think it was to not be alone. Her logic was: "If I'm not her friend, someone else will be."