I remember now.
Qing Yuer thought to herself as she raced along the busy bridge with other motorists.
This wasn't the first strange thing that had happened before.
Qing Yuer remembered the first few months she was turning fourteen. Things were bad, and her family was considered one of the poorest of the poor. She remembered how she would do frequent house cleaning in the wealthier neighbourhoods of Wuhan with her mom for a little change to eat that night. She remembered being once diagnosed as Schizophrenic. Neither she nor her mom could grasp what that big word meant and they really had no means or time to understand the severity but it had something to do with her recurring hallucinations.
''Hanfu?'' she remembered relating all her hallucinations to her late best friend.
''Yes, I could just be standing and doing the dishes and I will see myself in a completely different place, wearing a skin that isn't mine, completely head over heels towards an entity that has long strands of… is it silver or white? I can't really tell. But there is something about that man and visions that feels completely real. Like he is…'' Qing Yuer tried to make it clear as much as possible.
The doctors, nurses and many therapists…even her mom couldn't understand what this meant for her. Others just simply ruled out the possibility that she was showing early signs of being mentally compromised and under the severe influence of psychosis. A fancy word for being crazy.
''Like he is mine, and I am his. I see him everywhere and feel the presence, the love and everything her body received from him.''
As expected, Zhixie only stared at her in that subtle are you truly fine? look. But she was too kind to say that to my face. So, she came up with her own smart diagnosis for my frequent disorder.
''Hmm…'' She moved around thoughtfully, her right hand carefully stroking her chin. ''He wears this bizarre style of Hanfu, right? And you always find yourself in the body of someone that feels divine or completely out of this space and time, right?''
Qing Yuer nodded her head as they were getting close to understanding each other.
''I think…and I have watched and seen so many dramas…much more than you can imagine. And based on your descriptions, the leads in those dramas look uncannily similar to your dreams. So…'' Zhixie came close and settled beside her, draping one arm around her shoulder while pulling her close.
''I don't think you're crazy. I just think the Gods in the skies are finding creative ways to reveal to you your passion or life ambition. Your purpose and maybe the path you needed to take to pull you and your mother out of this miserable life. Think about it!''
She jumped up excitedly as Qing Yuer turned to stare at her innocently, her lips parted in intrigue. Zhixie pulled down a heavy dark blanket they had just washed and let it air dry in the sun for a while now. She draped it around her body, an amusing attempt to mimic what should look like a gorgeous hanfu dress.
''You are having these crazy visions and I can already see you acting out these crazy visions in the entertainment industry. Particularly the C–drama department. Getting to fall in love with different dangerously hot lords and kings, giving the world a romance they have never seen before and…''
Zhixie turned on her heels, pointing her index finger towards her amazed-looking friend.
''Cashing out daily on a wealth that is meant to be generational.''
It was indeed convincing and moving. Qing Yuer nodded her head that she wanted that.
Zhixie smiled confidently. Her diagnosis and interpretation of her friend's madness would soon make them all rich and famous acquaintances of a treasured star. An enviable one.
''Don't be too overwhelmed when they come storming down our neighbourhood looking to use you.''
And they did.
Qing Yuer leaned more on the window, her free hands caressing her chin with deep regrets.
They came the following months after she turned fourteen, tearing her world down brick by brick and using her until there was nothing left.
Qing Yuer thought about that experience. The moment she rose from being an extra in dramas as a child actor to being whoever she was today, she never had that vision or weird hallucinations again.
It made her believe Zhixie was indeed right. This was supposed to be a dream she was destined to fulfil and not some calling to the unknown.
But now that the dream has brought her to this breaking point, dealing mercilessly with her in ways only those who had walked a mile in her shoes could fully understand. It made her second-guess as she raced down the concrete road, if she had indeed mistaken a calling to the unknown for a mere dream she was supposed to make happen at the cost of everything.
Now, she had just been told that a drive toward freedom was just like any other path she wasn't supposed to tread on.
What's that even supposed to mean?!
Qing Yuer shook her head as she slowed down in the front of a traffic light that switched to red.
What was she supposed to do? Trust her instincts over a creepy talking wall?!
It's even more ridiculous that she was still choosing to obey all traffic rules like the sane citizen she used to be, instead of just continuing on the wings of rebellion she had chosen tonight.
Qing Yuer waited silently in her car, her head leaning tiredly against the tinted glass as she glared hard at the traffic light and simultaneously at the digital time flashing across her dashboard. She sat up straighter when it had been over twenty minutes since the traffic light ahead had turned red, refusing to let her go.
This was insane. Is it faulty now? Just when she was choosing to embrace freedom tonight?!
Qing Yuer sighed, leaning more on her leather seat as her stomach rumbled a bit. Then she remembered her leaving the house without taking anything. Not even a single glass of water.
If she was choosing to die tonight, then she better not carry an empty stomach to the afterlife.
She rummaged through a small snack compartment in her car. Sighing again in disappointment when it was only a small bag of potato chips that was still edible. She picked it up and was about to tear it open when she flipped the package to the front and read the product name.
She remembered the day she was called to do a photoshoot to be the very cover for this specific flavour of this potato chip. She wondered how it was still on sale or ended up in her snack compartment. This had been eight years ago, and the company that produced it had gone out of business…some months after her epic divorce?
Qing Yuer no longer cared. She tore the chip bag open and began to quietly munch on the chips, wondering if the red light would remain stubborn forever. No one could blame her if she decides to fuck up the traffic rules tonight.
Especially those stuck too in this…
Qing Yuer sat up immediately, turning left and right as the seat belt strapped around her slackened to give her more room to move her body.
She stilled, dread washed over her like a bucket of cold water as she gripped onto the steering wheel. The potato chip lying on her lap fell to the side, making a huge mess of her spotless car. Qing Yuer was holding on to the loose threads of sanity when she noticed the fourth strange occurrence tonight.
''Where is everyone?''
After being held back by a malfunctioning traffic light for more than thirty minutes, she noticed that she was the only one on the bridge tonight. The blue car and other motorists that had all raced wildly with her had all disappeared, leaving her alone to deal with this.
How?
What is going on?
How was that even possible without her even noticing that they had all gone?!
This road wasn't supposed to look and feel this deserted all in the span of a few minutes.
She stared wide eyed and disturbed at the haunting traffic light, still glaring red, holding her breath as her hands tightened uneasily around the wheels.
She relaxed a bit when the light flickered green. At first, she was very unsure on whether to keep going or just turn back, continue with the life she was trying to run from, as the wall had advised.
She screamed at the unexpected ring from her phone. She turned to see an incoming call from the director she had just walked out on.
It died after a few rings and then the author of the drama she had just plainly rejected, her call came in as well and died after a few cries.
Her heart thumped in her chest when the next call rolled in.
It was from her mom this time.
As if the weird entanglements and chokehold of this life hadn't been ready to let her go just yet.
''Hello, Mom?'' she picked the call, slowly easing her foot from the brakes to continue her journey to the unknown.
She wasn't afraid, more likely disturbed by everything.
The last thing her mom said, which she will live forever to be haunted by.
''Hello, hello? Qing Yuer? I…tell…you…don't go!''
She frowned as that didn't make any sense.
''What are you saying?''
There was silence at the other end. A minor interference.
''Hello? Hello? Mom!''
Her car slowed as if time itself was intentional about her witnessing her last moment. Qing Yuer turned to stare at her right hand side and the last thing she saw was twin bright white lights coming at her at an overwhelming speed.