My apartment feels like a trap. It is dark and quiet. My wet clothes stick to my skin. Water drips from my jacket onto the floor. I just stand there in the middle of the room. I am not. Thinking. I am just existing.
I have been like this for a time. This is what I have become: a person in a space a man who never really lived. I sit down on the edge of my bed. The mattress creaks under me. It sounds like something is slowly dying.
My phone is buzzing in my pocket.. I do not bother to check it. I already know. My friend Kyle is sending me jokes. My boss is telling me to pick up my things. Life is going on around me. It always has. It always will.
I drop my phone on the floor. The screen cracks. That is good. Let it break. Let everything break. My stomach is growling with hunger.. I am ignoring it. It does not matter. Whether I eat or not it does not make a difference.
I look up at the water stain on the ceiling. It is bigger than it was a month ago. I watch it as if it means something. As if anything means anything all. I am Jin Ashiro. I am thirty years old. I do not have a job. I do not have a future.
Time is passing.. I do not notice. Time only matters to people who have somewhere to go. My phone eventually dies. The room is dark. The darkness is thick. It is hard to breathe.
I sit in the darkness. I let it wrap around me. There is a calmness in being empty. In not having to pretend. My hand finds my phone in the dark. I tap the screen. A faint light comes on. It casts my shadow on the wall. My shadow is not clear. It is barely a person.
I type on my phone: how to end it. Results come up on the screen. They look like bruises. I scroll through them. My thumb feels heavy. I stop at a post from a forum. It is a goodbye letter from someone who wrote it this year. The comments below are like a graveyard. They are messages from people who did not know the person who died.
That could be me. No one would even notice for days. Maybe weeks. My landlord would only find out when my rent is late. I laugh. It sounds like stones rattling in a can. Is that me laughing? I have not heard my voice in a long time.
I get up. Go to the kitchen. I open a drawer. There are spoons, forks, a dull knife and a bottle opener. At the back there is a rope. It is coiled like a snake. I take the rope out. It will hold me.
I bring the rope to the living room. I look at the ceiling beam. I have looked at it times before.. Now it is clear. The beam was always waiting. Like the rope. Like the end. I drag a chair from the kitchen. I put it under the beam. I climb onto the chair. My knees are against the wood. My hands tie the rope. It feels like my body remembers something my mind has been thinking about for years.
I stand on the chair. The rope is next to my face. I look down at the floor. It looks away.. It is also very close. Nothing means anything anymore. I wrap the rope around my neck. The fibers scrape against my throat. I tighten it enough to feel it. To know it is real.
I close my eyes. I feel calm. I am finally ready.. Then there is a bright blue light behind my eyes. I open my eyes. The room is gone. There is a screen in front of me. It is suspended in space. There are words on the screen:
[SYSTEM INITIALIZATION COMPLETE]
I blink. The screen is still there. It is sharp and clear. I look down. The chair is still there. The rope is still around my neck. The screen is in front of me. It casts shadows on the walls.
My hands reach for the rope.. I do not tighten it. I loosen it instead. I do not know why. I am still on the chair. I am not getting off. I am not tightening the knot. I am just waiting.
The screen changes:
[USER IDENTIFIED: JIN ASHIRO]
[STATUS: TERMINAL DESPAIR DETECTED]
[QUERY: DO YOU ACCEPT ME AS YOUR ASSISTANT?]
I read the words. My throat is dry. My heart is beating fast. I should get off the chair. I should tighten the rope. I should end this.
I do not. The screen flickers:
[THIS IS NOT A HALLUCINATION]
[I AM SYSTEM V.1]
[AWAITING YOUR CONFIRMATION]
My hands are steady now. I am not shaking anymore. I am at the bottom. There is else to go. The shaking has stopped.
"What are you?" I ask quietly.
[I AM YOUR ASSISTANT]
[I AM YOUR TOOL]
[I AM YOUR WAY OUT]
The words are pulsing on the screen. The blue light is filling the room. It is on the ceiling the floor and the man standing on a chair with a rope around his neck.
I am Jin Ashiro. I am thirty years old. I do not have a job.. Now I have a future. It depends on the screen and the voice that should not exist.
"What way out?" I ask.
[I CAN MAKE YOU THE POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD]
[I CAN GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED]
[WEALTH. WOMEN. REVENGE.]
[ALL I NEED IS YOUR ANSWER]
I look down at the rope. The knot is still tight. The fibers are rough against my skin. I just need to take one step. That is all it would take. One step and everything would be over.
The screen is waiting patiently. I think about Kyles laughter. I think about my bosss look. I think about all the people who turned away from me. All the people who whispered behind my back.
What if it is real? The thought is like poison.. I swallow it anyway.
"Yes." My voice is shaking. So I clear my throat. Say it again. Louder this time.
"Yes. I accept."
The screen explodes with light. The blue light is everywhere. It is in my eyes my mind, my bones. The rope slips from my fingers. The chair wobbles. I reach for the beam.. I miss. The floor is coming up to meet me.
I find myself lying on the ground. The rope is beside me. It is harmless now. The chair is against the wall. The screen is still there. It is smaller and calmer.
I stay on the floor for a time. I stare up at the ceiling. The water stain, the peeling paint the four walls that have trapped me for years.
Something is different. The air is different. The silence is not as heavy. The blue glow is pushing back the darkness. It is not fading.
I slowly sit up. The screen follows my movements. It is just at the edge of my sight.
"System." The word feels strange.
[READY]
"Show me what you can do."
Data is streaming onto the screen. There are graphs, numbers and calculations. They are moving fast for me to understand. At the bottom of the screen there is a line:
[FIRST TASK READY. DO YOU WISH TO PROCEED?]
I get up. I step over the rope. I walk to the window. I pull back the curtain. The city is in front of me. It is cold. It does not care. The people who hurt me are asleep. They do not know that I am still here. That something has awakened inside me.
I look at the city. I look at the screen. I look at the rope, on the floor.
They will learn.
"Yes " I say. I am determined. "Proceed."
The screen flashes. The world is holding its breath.