Chapter 1: Rebooting a Flaccid Fate
Of all the ways to reincarnate, arriving mid-panic attack on a damp, sticky bathroom floor was definitely bottom tier.
My last memory was a blur of screeching tires and shattering glass. Now? I was lying on cold stone, inhaling an unholy combination of cheap incense and stale ale. My throat throbbed with a phantom ache, matching the crude rope burn I could feel around my neck.
I hauled myself up, bracing my hands against a grime-stained sink, and stared into the cracked mirror.
Green skin. Pointy ears. Eyes wide with a lingering, pathetic terror.
I was a goblin. A very well-dressed goblin, wearing a surprisingly decent leather vest with dark lace trim, but a goblin nonetheless.
Before I could even process the existential dread of being green, a lifetime of foreign memories slammed into my brain like a corrupted hard drive.
His name was Grik. He was a scholarship student at the Monster Academy, an orphan, and the absolute laughingstock of his generation. In a world where monsters ruled through primal strength and aggressive instincts, Grik was physically weak. But that wasn't why he was crying in a brothel bathroom.
He had saved up months of his meager allowance to visit the red-light district, desperate to prove he was a "real man" before the semester started. He had paid for a succubus, walked into the bedroom, and... nothing. Total hardware failure.
The succubus had laughed. Grik had panicked, locked himself in the bathroom, and decided that instead of dealing with the embarrassment, he was just going to rage-quit life entirely.
I stared at my green reflection, absolutely appalled.
"Buddy," I rasped, my new vocal cords sounding like grinding gravel. "My guy. You don't just uninstall yourself over a localized network failure. We had pills for this back on Earth."
Dying over performance anxiety? It was a comedic tragedy. I was about to curse whatever cosmic entity threw me into this malfunctioning body when a translucent blue screen suddenly flickered in front of my face, accompanied by a sharp DING!
> [System Boot Sequence Initiated...]
> [Running Biological Diagnostics...]
> [Error Detected: Critical Peripheral Device Malfunction (Psychological/Physical Block). System output compromised.]
> [Main Quest Issued: The Art of Finesse]
> Objective: Prove your worth to the System. The locals of this realm rely exclusively on crude, brute-force mechanics. Use your advanced Earth knowledge to bypass baseline instincts and bring the target in the next room to 100% completion.
> Time Limit: 30 Minutes.
> Reward: Complete system defrag, hardware repair, and permanent anatomical optimization. (+10 Charm).
> Penalty for Failure: Permanent loss of function.
>
I blinked at the glowing blue text. The System wasn't going to just magically fix me. It was holding my anatomy hostage behind a skill check.
But as I read the prompt again, a cool, rational calm washed over me. My Earth brain was wired for logic, for understanding inputs and outputs, circuits and responses. In this 'Monster Kingdom,' intimacy was just two beasts slamming together. They didn't understand the concept of a slow boot-up. They treated the body like a rusted gear instead of a delicate sensor network.
If they wanted technique, I'd give them legendary technique.
I adjusted the collar of my vest, took a deep breath, and unlocked the bathroom door.
The succubus was waiting on the edge of the bed. She had maroon wings folded tightly behind her and a tail flicking in deep annoyance. She checked her nails, rolling her eyes as I stepped out. She clearly expected the weeping, pathetic mess she had bullied into the bathroom ten minutes ago.
"Look, greenie," she sighed, her voice dripping with boredom. "If you're broken, just leave. I charge by the hour, and I'm not running a therapy clinic for defective goblins."
I didn't flinch. I just stood there, letting my eyes sweep over her, analyzing her posture, the tension in her wings, the slight twitch of her tail.
"Sorry for the delay," I said, my voice steady, completely devoid of the panic she was expecting. "I just needed to run a quick diagnostic. And I'm not leaving."
Her brow furrowed in confusion. The pathetic goblin was suddenly looking at her like she was a complex puzzle he was about to solve. "What are you talking about? You couldn't even—"
"I was trying to use analog methods in a digital world," I interrupted smoothly, walking slowly toward the bed. I raised a hand, flexing my green fingers, mentally mapping out the nerve clusters and pressure points I remembered from my Earth studies.
"Why don't you lie back?" I smirked, the System interface glowing faintly in my peripheral vision. "I'm going to show you how we do things where I'm from. And I promise you, I don't need brute force to make you beg."