The mountain rumbled like it had eaten bad sushi.
I was back at the cave, sunning myself on a boulder the size of a house, when the ground split open right under Lirael's hoard. Gold coins, ancient artifacts, and one very confused mimic treasure chest tumbled into a newly formed chasm that glowed with ominous purple light.
Lirael's massive head snapped up. "A dungeon. Sealed for ten thousand years. It sensed you."
I peered over the edge. Stone steps spiraled down into darkness, carved with runes that hurt to look at directly. Blue System text hovered helpfully:
[Ancient Forgotten Dungeon: Abyss of the Eternal Lich]
Recommended Level: 500+
Warning: Contains one (1) very angry Elder Lich God. Also loot. Lots of loot.
Clear Condition: Defeat the final boss or annoy it enough that it deletes itself.
I grinned. "Free loot? Don't mind if I do."
Lirael tried to stop me. "Kurogane, even I would need to prepare for—"
I was already shrinking to human form and hopping down the stairs two at a time. "Back in thirty, Mom! Keep the tea warm!"
The dungeon entrance sealed behind me with a dramatic boom. Torches lit themselves in sickly green flames. The air smelled like old books and existential dread.
Floor 1: Skeleton knights. Level 120 each.
I yawned, allocated ∞ into Strength, and punched the entire room into bone meal. The System dinged happily.
[Floor 1 Cleared in 4 seconds – New Record]
Loot: 500 Gold, Rusty Sword of +1 Annoyance
I kept walking.
Floors 2 through 50 blurred together. Traps? I stepped on them and they apologized. Mini-bosses? I patted their heads and they gave me their drops out of pure fear. A hydra tried to regenerate. I used a tiny puff of Voidflame and turned the entire boss room into a very expensive obsidian sculpture garden.
By Floor 75 I was checking my phone—wait, no phone, but I summoned a floating System notepad and started drafting a complaint letter to the dungeon architect.
Dear Dungeon Designer,
Your traps are mid. 2/10. Would not recommend to other broken protagonists.
-Kurogane the Voidreaver
Floor 100.
The boss room was a cathedral of bones and floating skulls. In the center hovered the Elder Lich God—twelve feet tall, crown of screaming souls, robe made of pure necrotic energy. Level 550. Title: Devourer of Realms.
It turned its empty eye sockets toward me and spoke with a voice like grinding tombstones.
"Mortal insect. You dare enter my sanctum? I shall feast upon your—"
I raised one hand.
"Bro. Save the monologue. I've got places to be."
The lich didn't listen. It raised its staff and cast its strongest spell.
[Ultimate Necromancy: Apocalypse of the Damned]
Effect: Summons an army of 10,000 undead gods from the void. Destroys all life within 100 km.
The air tore open. Skeletons, liches, even a few fallen angels started pouring out.
I yawned again, opened my mouth, and breathed.
Voidflame—pitch black, edged with purple starlight—erupted like a broken dam of pure nothingness. It wasn't even a full-power breath. Just a polite "please go away" puff.
The entire undead army disintegrated mid-scream. The lich's staff melted. Its crown exploded into pretty sparkles. The boss itself tried to teleport away, but my passive Mana Overflow turned the entire room into a zero-mana zone.
The Elder Lich God looked down at its crumbling body in pure confusion.
"Impossible… I am eternal…"
"You're yesterday's patch," I said, walking forward. I booped it on the skull with one finger. It exploded into loot confetti.
The dungeon shuddered. Walls cracked. Treasure chests popped open like piñatas. Mountains of gold, legendary weapons, ancient tomes, and three glowing divine skill tickets rained down.
[Dungeon Cleared in 11 minutes 47 seconds – World Record]
[Achievement Unlocked: Speedrunner of the Damned]
Reward: God-Slaying Title (Permanent)
+3 Divine Skill Tickets
+50,000,000 Attribute Points
New Passive: Dungeon Magnet – Dungeons will now spawn near you when you're bored.
The exit portal opened at the far end. I walked through it whistling.
Lirael was waiting outside, wings folded, a mountain of extra treasure already piled beside her like she'd been looting the dungeon from the other side out of sheer mom-pride.
She scooped me up in one massive claw and nuzzled me gently. "My perfect little catastrophe. You cleared a dungeon that took ancient heroes centuries in under twelve minutes."
I hugged her claw. "It was mid, Mom. The final boss needed better dialogue options."
She laughed, the sound shaking the mountain. "I'm so proud I could cry."
We flew back to the cave together, treasure raining behind us like the world's most expensive ticker-tape parade.
Inside, I opened the three Divine Skill Tickets.
Ticket 1: Godslayer Breath (already had it, upgraded to "Reality Eraser Edition")
Ticket 2: Absolute Domain Control (now 100 km radius)
Ticket 3: Harem Flag Auto-Trigger (Passive) – The System has jokes again.
I stared at the last one.
"System… we need to talk about boundaries."
But I was smiling.
The world outside was getting louder. Rumors of the Void Dragon were spreading across continents. Heroes were forming alliances. Kings were panicking.
I cracked my knuckles and looked at the sky.
"Bring it on."