Date: I don't even understand my own feelings
I don't know why it hurts this much.
We were never anything.
Not officially.
Not even close.
And yet… today felt like I lost something I never even had.
---
It happened so fast.
One minute, everything was normal—well, as normal as things have been lately—and the next, people were whispering. Turning. Watching.
That same feeling again.
Pressure.
But this time… it wasn't about me.
It was about him.
---
William.
---
I didn't see everything clearly at first.
Just pieces.
A crowd forming.
A girl looking uncomfortable.
Voices overlapping.
Then I heard it.
Something about him… asking her to remove her dress.
My chest tightened immediately.
No.
That couldn't be right.
---
Before I could even process it, a security man showed up.
Everything shifted.
The noise got louder, but somehow, everything inside me went quiet.
Too quiet.
---
They took him.
Right there. In front of everyone.
To the school management… to "rectify the problem."
That's what they said.
Like it was just a small mistake.
Like it didn't mean anything.
---
But it meant something to me.
And I don't even know why.
---
I just stood there.
I didn't move.
I didn't speak.
I just watched him walk away.
---
For a second, I thought he would look back.
At me.
I don't know why I thought that.
Maybe I wanted him to.
Maybe I needed him to.
---
But he didn't.
---
And that's when it hit me.
My eyes started to burn.
Tears.
I tried to hold them back, but it felt like my chest was collapsing in on itself.
---
Why am I about to cry?
Why does it feel like this?
We're not together.
He's not mine.
So why does it feel like he betrayed me?
---
That thought scared me.
Because it didn't make sense.
None of this makes sense.
---
I remembered yesterday.
The way he sat next to me.
Quiet. Calm.
Different.
And then today—everything felt wrong.
Too fast.
Too much.
Too real.
---
First, he tried to kiss me.
Now this.
---
What am I supposed to think?
What am I supposed to feel?
---
Part of me feels angry.
Angry that he would do something like that.
Angry that I even said yes to being around him.
Angry that I let my guard down… even a little.
---
But another part of me…
The part I don't want to admit exists…
Feels hurt.
---
Not just hurt.
Broken.
---
And I hate that.
I hate that he has this effect on me.
I hate that I care.
Because I shouldn't.
I really, really shouldn't.
---
People were still talking around me.
Whispers. Judgments. Rumors already forming.
But I couldn't hear them properly.
All I could think about was him… being taken away.
And the look on his face before he disappeared.
---
Was he scared?
Did he regret it?
Or did it mean nothing to him at all?
---
I don't know which answer hurts more.
---
I finally moved after a while.
I don't even remember deciding to walk away.
My body just… did it.
---
Everything felt heavy.
My steps.
My thoughts.
My chest.
---
I told myself I didn't care.
I repeated it over and over in my head.
> "You don't care."You don't care."
"He's nothing to you.""He's nothing to you."
"This doesn't matter.""This doesn't matter."
---
But the tears that fell later…
Said otherwise.
---
Why does it hurt so much…
When we were never even together?