A week shouldn't have been enough to destroy a life forever. And Kaelen had proved himself wrong once again. The part of him that was gone was never to come back.
It shouldn't have been like this. "Oh, fuck." Kaelen rubbed his hands across his face. "Aw, man."
"I am so disappointed."
"Nothing played out the way I wanted it to."
Kaelen scratched his face. "And who the fuck am I talking to?"
"Still—"
He sighed, having nothing else to say about his situation.
His hands had stopped feeling like his. And what remained of his memories were no longer experiences.
It had to come one day.
Friends, fiction, relentless ambition, outworking everyone. He looked at what he had been for so long. Only a man running from himself. He neither needed nor desired the constantly busy schedule. He had been away from his own skin for so long. It wasn't him. The sound of "I am more" had echoed in his brain for longer than that.
And now he looked at himself from a distance.
He walked towards himself and reached out a hand.
An awkward taste covered his tongue.
It had been so long since he had talked to himself.
This was the perfect use case for the void. He searched for it somewhere inside him. He couldn't find it.
He was already in between the two versions of himself, stuck with no identity.
With nothing to do, he stood up without telling himself. He had no reason to stand up either, and yet he did. Why did he want to live? That was the first thought that came to his mind in a minute.
He reached out for the doorknob, like he had a million times in his life, and went on his search for someone, anyone, literally anyone, to keep him distracted, which again he had done a million times.
The cycle continued.
Being educated about it made no difference. Yes, it gave hope for a while. But it all came to him. Today.
A random quote came to mind. "Beware of the inevitable, so it can become the end. That may never shift you if you leave it to your blind side."
The quote didn't make sense. Nah, maybe it did. Kaelen read the first line. Not bad. The second—
"What the fuck am I thinking?"
"Did I do it only to avoid the senseless second line?"
He slapped his face. "Ugh." Finally, something came out of his mouth.
Simulations of situations that would never happen filled his mind. He had to let them, to keep moving forward without hating himself.
His mood slightly lit up upon entering the kitchen. Nevyziel sat there with breakfast and coffee for him. But more important was her appearance. He never knew he liked girls like her. Social media had done nearly irreversible damage to his wants. Or maybe it was she who would look good to him no matter what.
It was the first time he had seen her in a shirt and tight jeans with a tie on top, and everything just suited her. Maybe she had cut her hair too. Even if she hadn't, he would have thought the same.
"Yo," she said, lifting her eyes.
Oh god. Another angel unlocked. Kaelen flinched back at once.
Kaelen pulled out the chair next to her. His eyes fixed on her. The smile on her face, it was real now. And no matter how creepily Kaelen looked at her, it stayed.
Kaelen started to sit, only to find no chair beneath him. He had pulled it out too far. Nevyziel's hand shot behind him and slid the chair into place. Then it settled over his shoulder.
Her chair moved closer.
She lifted up the cup and brought it against Kaelen's lips.
He grabbed the cup. Surely he would regret this.
Her hand withdrew from his shoulder and the cup. The smile faded, and that was real too.
Her hands fidgeted. Her mouth opened a bit, then closed instantly. She wasn't letting it out. Everything really was made for her. Even this made her more beautiful, and she was already at the peak.
And immediately it was back. Not the same mood. The emptiness. And him doing absolutely nothing.
What purpose does this serve? What purpose did the last five years he spent building his career even serve? Making people feel made-up emotions was the only thing he was good at.
He looked at her, at everything he'd ever wanted. Then he looked at himself. He didn't need to say it in his mind, but he was a sum of events that he never wanted to happen or actions he never wanted to take.
Her hand caressed his hair. Their chairs met, and her other hand went across Kaelen's chest, trapping his hand exactly where it wanted to be.
He let his head rest on top of her shoulder.
They had no idea how long they had been like that, with their eyes closed. Free from their daily chaos.
There came footsteps from upstairs, bringing them back to life.
It was Lyne and Nyx.
Kaelen and Nevyziel gave each other the same disappointed look.
Lyne and Nyx glared at them from the stairs and left the house when they got no reaction.
"So what are you doing today?" Nevyziel whispered to Kaelen.
Kaelen took a while to turn his brain on and still replied with "I don't know."
She turned toward him. "Did you say the first thing that came to your mind? Or was this the proper answer?"
He said without another thought, "Still deciding."
"So you are free to go shopping, right?" Her face told Kaelen it wasn't a question.
He wondered what he should reply, and realized she wasn't a distraction. She was someone he could be empty around.
"Where to then?"
She smiled and pulled her phone from her pocket, already open to a bustling shopping street. She turned it towards Kaelen. She had already planned it.
"No wonder that didn't feel like a question."
Nevyziel immediately noticed the discomfort on Kaelen's face. "You don't know."
Kaelen scratched his forehead. "It's not something I would expect from a spoiled rich girl."
Her eyes squinted. It wasn't scary. That was what Kaelen's brain was lying to him about.
Just then, Aurelion and Caeran came back with Lyne and Nyx.
Aurelion marched down the hall. "The meeting room, everyone!"
Kaelen turned to her. She was already looking at him. They sighed together and stood up.
The same room with the same people, in the same seats. This was no different. Life was getting repetitive again. The feeling returned, but this time, no memories came with it.
Nevyziel placed her hand on top of his.
Was it really that obvious?
Kaelen looked at her. She smiled and turned to Aurelion. Kaelen followed her gaze.
"The danger was closer than we thought." Aurelion placed a black device on the table.
A voice came out of the device. "I know what Aurelion thinks. He won't outsmart me. By next week, an eye of our Guardian will be on every watchtower." Kaelen had never heard him, yet he knew who the person speaking was. Solmar. There was no man other than him who could say that with so much confidence.
Kaelen looked around. Everyone was staring at the device, as if watching it would help them hear better.
"And that kid he has now. I will kill him myself. The gods made the mistake of believing in that fraud magician. If I had gotten the chance, that kid would have been fed to the mold."
Silas stopped it. A small laugh escaped him. "The same magician who almost killed him, if you didn't know."
"He's not the same guy anymore, or else he wouldn't have been in charge of their army," Caeran said, starting the device again.
A new voice came this time. "You really believe you will win now that the magician has combined his powers with the kid's."
They all reached out to stop the device.
What the fuck am I doing? Kaelen pushed himself to react. His mind refused to work with him.
Kaelen looked up. Everyone stared at him. Waiting for an answer they knew he couldn't answer.
Kaelen took a deep breath and watched their reaction. He reached across the table and started the device again.
They stared at him for a second before nodding in understanding.
A chair scraped. "He... he... he did what?" Solmar's voice cracked with fear.
"Shhh..." The man's voice grew louder, as if he were approaching whatever device they had used to record him.
"Where are you? Oh, so sneaky."
"Sorry, but I can't tell when you guys are listening." The device went dead.