The swooping patterns of ornate spun along the red mahogany. It was decorated elegantly, pairing nicely with the imperial design of the Tao Estate. The only problem with this beautifully crafted door wasn't how complicated each pattern was, but that Tao Hua couldn't quite appreciate the complication.
All he could do was stare at it with an uneasy expression that locked him in place.
"I know you can hear me," said the woman. Tao Hua's eyes wobbled, fixed on each twist and twirl. In an attempt, he tried to stand as still as a statue and held his breath until his face nearly went blue. "How stupid do you think I am, Tao Hua?"
Tapping resounded through the cramped hall, and the longer they stood in the silence, the sharper it grew. As his heart raced, so did his words. They were a complimenting pair, all in a situation that wasn't so complimenting.
These very words compressed into a simple and whispered, "Sorry."
"At least look at me!"
Ah, the fire that thawed him out. Tao Hua swallowed, and in a slow motion his hand trailed off the metal knob, leaving behind the stains of his fear. But instead of looking at the woman, he just turned and made his way to a nearby surface tucked at the edge of that shadowed room.
Whatever her reaction, Tao Hua wasn't paying attention. He was lost in a trance and staring at the surface. It was neat and shiny, but akin to the door, he couldn't focus on the artistry. His mind had long surpassed rupture and was trying to climb the steep wall of repair. The only issue with this wall was that there really wasn't any ledges to grasp onto. Thus, he was left with two options.
First, he could simply avoid the situation entirely and get the fuck out of there, but that would most likely end in another home arrest. He couldn't do that for another month. The second option was less daunting and more realistic.
Deal with it.
Life sucked, and that's just how the world worked.
One ready breath, and finally, he jumped into action. Through a series of minuscule steps, Tao Hua decisively turned and faced the woman, offering her a weak smile in response.
Despite being only a year younger than Tao Hua, she had lines next to her lips that spelled the word "frown." She wasn't tall, but she also wasn't short. Average, and the same applied to her looks. It was the type of face met many times over—generic, reminding him of the word "buttons."
This unhappy woman was none other than Gui Chang—best known as "Tao Hua's fiancée". For shame.
Tao Hua didn't know how to respond to her demands. There really weren't many ways someone could respond to a statement as strong as "Look at me!" So, after he did just that, he looked away from her and back down to the books in his hand.
"Words? Speak? You read—use them!"
Peach eyes jumped from one book to the other, counting them and restarting after he lost count. He already clocked that Gui Chang was in a bad mood, which only made resolving whatever issue more difficult. This meant Tao Hua had to carefully think over his words. The possibilities were endless, yet most didn't solve the situation.
It was like trying to fight against a current with no experience in swimming.
When he finally figured out just what he wanted to say, Gui Chang's shrill voice bellowed with the toss of her hands, straight into the air.
"Speak!"
And just like that, Tao Hua jolted forward. He clamped his eyes shut, and if it weren't for his firm grip on the books, they'd have gone flying in the air.
But it was fine; he was fine—the books were fine! Everything was fucking fine. Hah.
Letting out a relieved sigh, Tao Hua patted the books back into place like a mother consoling their howling child. Once he had done that, he glanced up at Gui Chang. She had her arms crossed, and by the even quicker taps of her foot, it was clear she wasn't happy with Tao Hua.
As if her tone didn't already state that.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to say, Miss Gui?!"
There was partial desperation mixed in with the stammering of his words. He wasn't mad, nor was he frustrated, and he was certainly treading the line, careful about saying the wrong thing.
"Words? That's not a bad place to start," she began. Her fingers dug into her skin, so much so that they nearly pierced the flesh. "Where were you?"
With a few steps back until it was no longer an option, Tao Hua firmly pressed his lips together. To his luck, Gui Chang just remained in place and didn't approach him, but her anger most certainly did.
"S-Sorry—" Tao Hua hit the back of the wall, side-glancing at it for only a moment. He tried to keep a smile on his face, as if sourced as the sole remedy to this terminal situation. "I ended up getting caught in the middle of a crowd—it won't happen again, Miss Gui."
"STOP—stop calling me that! Do you know how embarrassing it is to have your own future husband address you so formally?! UGH. Be honest! Where were you?!"
That very heart that pounded aggressively? Yeah, that now fell into his stomach at the words "future husband", and more than it ever had before since their "engagement".
Thankfully, he still had it! Regrettably, it didn't taste good.
It was truly a day of anomalies.
In a piss-poor attempt to respond, Tao Hua opened his mouth, but after a moment of contemplation, he closed it before any words escaped. Despite the impending reply, this would probably be the smartest thing Tao Hua had done all day.
"ANSWER. Oh, I HATE it when you do this! You knew we had preparations today—for the banquet. You know, that thing we've been talking about for months? That just happens to be tomorrow? To-morro-ow, Tao Hua." She lifted her hand, pressing it to the side of her face and nearly ripping through that as well. "Do you understand just how shameful it looked?"
Tao Hua could, in fact, imagine it. He lived it for twenty years, and now that shame was rubbing off on someone who never once signed up for this treatment.
That heart was starting to taste less and less like escapism.
"Do you know how many times I had to explain why 50% of the reason the banquet preparations exist hasn't showed up? Let me rephrase that for you: why the fiancée hasn't shown up to their own banquet? People pity you, but why did I have to be dragged into that, Tao Hua?! What did I ever do to you?!"
She pressed the other hand against her face, just as her head dipped.
"It's too much to handle," she lamented through a whisper. "Shit where your own fiancée disappears nearly every afternoon to who-knows-where, playing make-believe in some book when there's important things left to handle. You KNEW we had to set up the banquet today."
Curling her hands into fists, she slowly swung them down without looking at him. Her face was nearly as red as his upon arrival at the estate.
"Even now you can't fucking give me something to work with! Do you see why your own father would prefer a daughter to you? What headman—what FATHER says that?!" Though it was clear she didn't agree with Master Tao's words, there was still truth hidden behind them, and that was shown through the way she avoided looking at him. "Tao Hua, you are truly lazy! You know that, right?! Lazy!"
Gui Chang finally lifted her eyes to look at Tao Hua; however, Tao Hua's lashes drooped in response. He knew this version of her, and he knew it all too well.
The thing about Gui Chang wasn't that she was a bad person—she really wasn't. She was also forced into something she never once wanted as much as her counterpart. Which is why he thought, It's probably better to let her have this moment.
Even if the moment was difficult.
"You do whatever you want at the expense of others. You know you're not the only one surviving this town, right?! The difference is, one doesn't give a shit if everyone hates him! But I do! That's what makes you so insufferable at times!" That silence would nearly cause the poor woman to collapse. In a weakened cry, she whispered, "It's not fair…"
It really wasn't.
"What happens when it's expected of us to have a family? I can't do this on my own." Gui Chang's hands drooped at her side to Tao Hua's reluctance to even speak. "Both me and you know exactly what your father expects. Don't act like you don't know, Tao Hua."
In that moment, it was much easier to slink down into one's own frame and look small. It would always be the easy way out, and Tao Hua wanted to grip that and not let it go. But he couldn't hide away from those hard truths, nor could he fault Gui Chang for stating what needed to be said.
If he did, what kind of person would that make him? The situation was truly unfair.
But it wasn't the words tossed his way that hurt most, nor was it Gui Chang's grief. It was the small understanding hidden beneath the surface of truth.
Firsts.
A common phrase known to many "hopeless romantics." You know, those people who desperately try to escape into the words of another's relationship? Those people. Typically, for the finer details, but we don't need to explore that just yet.
Anyway, semantics. Firsts were often a person's first kiss, their first relationship. Hell, even the finer things in life—that also counted as a first.
Everything listed is what made the word so valuable to a man dyed in ink. And when something is defined as valuable, well, that also made losing it even more heartbreaking.
And to surrender all this ideal unwillingly? That would be quite the inciting incident, turning any romantic story into a tragedy.
And of course, people in this godforsaken country didn't quite understand the value in "firsts". To them, firsts were a bridge, leading them to a land of security, legacy, and even power. If it helped them climb that ladder of success, then firsts were a simple sacrifice, not mentioned twice.
But Tao Hua refused to believe it, even if he was terrified of experiencing those "firsts". He fought against every attempt at tying him down, just so he could live that fairytale in earnest. The only problem was that each attempt was like the next obstacle to an epic, and Tao Hua was the worst protagonist to cross those fiery plains.
Thus, he'd never experience those firsts in the authentic meaning of the word "meaningful" itself. He'd never meet a beautiful woman in some woods, somewhere—ah, he didn't know; he just hoped. Unrealistic, but honourable.
Basically, this poor soul wanted to experience something worth writing about, and by tomorrow, that story would be thrown straight into those fiery plains.
When Tao Hua glanced up at Gui Chang, he didn't see the frame of a woman who hated him, but one who was losing all those things, too. That's why he couldn't quite talk back or fight against it.
It was a dance neither had signed up for, and they were only learning the steps in real time.
Why did it have to turn out this way?
Not even a sigh could ease the stiffness of his entire body.
"I'm sorry, Miss—sorry, Gui Chang. It might be my nerves again. I'll be there tomorrow." Tao Hua paused before adding, "I promise."
Gui Chang didn't respond; she only tightened her grip around her arms, which made Tao Hua's gut churn worse than it had all day.
"You…you do so much and get nothing in return." He apologetically smiled at her as his finger rubbed against the leather cover. "Maybe I just need sleep."
At that comment, Gui Chang's face softened, and all the stress she'd been accumulating released in one heavy exhale. But this exhale didn't smell like relief—it was melancholic.
Once she was able to choke back any more emotions from spilling out, she straightened herself up, presenting as a strong woman. Not one that nearly fell to the floor crying.
Clearing her throat, she shook her head and firmly said, "You know I just want what's good for you, right, Tao Hua?"
He didn't know how to respond, and that already weakened smile faltered. There wasn't a single trace of manipulation in her voice, and Tao Hua was aware this woman was anything but insincere.
"Right…?"
"…of course, Gui Chang."
The two stood in the main hall, both a great distance from each other. Neither knew if it was appropriate to hug or not. So, Tao Hua chose to shift a bit, which made the silence even more awkward. One move of the foot, and the sound echoed louder than any word spoken between the two.
It was uncomfortable, therefore Tao Hua chose to break it. He asked, "Did it go well?"
"You'll find out tomorrow," she replied, and before she turned away, she said, "I'll make sure to come find you. Sleep well."
With her final words, she left Tao Hua alone in that hall. The only trace of her left was in the vibrations of the door slamming, and the rocking of the vase nearby.
He tapped his shoe a few times and swayed ever-so-slightly.
Even with her gone, he didn't know what to do. Instead, he glanced down at the books and did what he did best.
Dissociate!
The only problem, however, was that when he glanced down at those gifts tucked in his hands, he wasn't overcome with the same uncontrollable happiness as before. It was the opposite, actually, with no definitive answer.
This too was best ignored and shoved away for another breakdown. Hugging tightly to the books in his hands, he turned out of the outer hall and into the evening air.
To all things bad, he still had the one good thing left.
Until next time.
Chapter end.