In a surprising act of actual fucking respect, Shan Si lifted his hands away from that which made Tao Hua uncomfortable. Despite this, Tao Hua couldn't breathe just yet, as it wasn't a moment longer before they returned to his body.
This time, both of those annoying claws reached for Tao Hua's lapels, which was no better than the earlier option!
Well, actually, it was a tad better, but that was engaging in nuance. Shan Si, in all that was his knowing and uncaring attitude, just straightened the fabric neatly, sliding his hand along the seam.
The movements of his hand, and the placing, all felt intentional.
This practically made the poor man's heart explode for the umpteenth time that night. It was excruciating and unknown territory for Tao Hua.
And if it wasn't already obvious with how aggressively it throbbed against Tao Hua's chest, then it should have been in how suddenly he flinched, taking a step back. The sweat on his dirtied face pooled so much that if you gave him a cloth and he might just be able to clean it.
But Shan Si didn't pay him any mind. He continued and spoke as if this situation actually welcomed casual conversation. "That father of yours…do you know how close he was to the town, Tao Hua? What good would it bring to you if you returned home? Do you think I'm that capable of going against it? Get real. If I were, Lord Tao would mean nothing to me."
Tao Hua stiffened entirely, as if a trove of terrible memories inundated him all at once, making it difficult to breathe.
"But I'm under the impression you also know what kind of man he truly is, Tao Hua."
He kept toying with Tao Hua's robe, but this time, Tao Hua simply stared at his hands.
"There's plenty of stories spread throughout the Imperial Capital. Lord Tao is a known man. You know what the other nobles say about him?" Shan Si's head tilted slightly, watching as the other's slippery hands struggled against his own, relaxed ones. It was safe to say, just by Tao Hua's reaction, he was left in the dark as much as the townspeople.
"They say Lord Tao is a viciously cruel man, sitting proudly in the seat next to the Imperial Emperor. Suiting--I don't disagree. Both of those imbeciles share the same worldly ideals, and they hide their intentions of it rather well. I've earned this knowledge, where the common people remain clueless.
"To them, Lord Tao is the kindest soul to walk among men. Never seen it, don't care enough to experience it, and quite frankly I don't have to—not when I know exactly where the actual kindness went."
Shan Si patted Tao Hua's lapels a few more times, just as Tao Hua wavered. To him, this was all revolutionary information, but in learning he'd also face difficult reminders; reminders he'd carefully compartmentalized for twenty years.
And now? It was all coming to the forefront at a time when Tao Hua wasn't prepared to hear it.
He just wanted it to stop.
"But it's odd...really, when you think about that kindness—never once did I hear of him having a son; nor did I know he took someone's hand in marriage. I'm curious about the poor soul, but more about you." he said, his lulled eyes jumping from one shuffle, to another twitch, all in Tao Hua's discomfort. "Are you the product of a concubine or a whore?"
Tao Hua just gritted his teeth and continued trying to rip Shan Si's hand off. He didn't want to answer, nor did he want to dwell on the topic any longer.
In fact, he was uncertain where any of this even came from, or its purpose.
"Hmm...another time, maybe. Such an odd situation for such a cruel man to create something worth looking at—inward and outward—yet hide it. Your mother must have been a beautiful woman." Shan Si mumbled a bit, temporarily looking away. "Why haven't I ever heard of her?"
"…" Tao Hua gave up, huffing a sigh. Of course, the past tense was necessary. Shan Si did read his journal.
Such an invasive species of man.
And yet, Tao Hua's ears flushed at Shan Si's rambles, each time he skipped over the accidental compliments. Was it anger or embarrassment that dictated such a response? Tao Hua didn't know, and he never had the architecture to know.
So he resumed his attempt to shove Shan Si's hands away, dubbing it the best course of action. But Shan Si didn't have to put effort into keeping Tao Hua's hands firmly in place, as if he wanted Tao Hua to hear him.
"My curiosity aside; I'll get to the point. What would you have done, Tao Hua? Without a doubt, your father's rightfully fuming," said Shan Si, his hands tightening around Tao Hua's slightly. "What do you think would happen to you if you stayed behind? Tell me."
Tao Hua paused, staring down at the two pairs of hands, the bigger ones over the others. His lips pressed together, wrinkling at the corners, just as he dipped his head.
He wasn't sure what he'd do.
To Shan Si, Tao Hua's expression was unnoticeable, covered by the loose strands of hair that messily hung. But he didn't have to guess; it was clear Tao Hua was feeling displeasure in how his fingers trembled against the bigger pair.
Thus, he was getting somewhere.
Between the two, the forest spoke, filling what would have been nothing more than a quiet breeze passing by. With each passing minute, Tao Hua's hands would loosen, nearly slipping out of Shan Si's.
He was already exhausted, and all of his coping mechanisms were completely torn apart that night, tossed into both fires. He wasn't sure he had the ability to handle any more heartbreak.
"That tells me everything I need to know." Shan Si slowly removed his own hands from Tao Hua's, and gently placed those delicate and small ones over each other. He hadn't yet lowered them. Instead, he just kept them hovering before Tao Hua's chest, supporting them with his own.
"Have you ever seen him in a fit of rage? I don't think you have—or you did, but not like I have. Between father and son, there is the world to gain, and there is the world to lose. That all depends on if the child grows in his favour. Which has me pondering one thing…" He tapped Tao Hua's hand a few times. "Why would a father keep around a good-for-nothing letdown?"
Boom, straight through the heart. Unnecessary.
"There's a reason he wants you around, and I doubt it's based on fatherly pride. Most sell off what they deem an embarrassment, as well."
The trembling in Tao Hua's hands vibrated up to his shoulders, making it harder to remain still and calm. Shan Si took this as another moment to study Tao Hua before switching back to the previous topic.
"Whatever, I'll find out. I don't need a reason to know I've won this time." A single laugh, just as his face contorted. However, to Tao Hua, it felt like a whole weight was being pushed onto his shoulders, despite nothing even being placed on them. It was dark and dreary.
"Shitty father, shitty companions, shitty situation. Your life sucks, but you don't have to tell me that twice," he said. Though his words were straightforward and rude, they were said with a hint of hurt. Shan Si's brows pinched as he added, "You can't keep ignoring this situation...or me, Tao Hua. We're now linked, whether you like it or not."
He can, and he would, and he has; for twenty years, Tao Hua was the face of avoidance. That's where he bested Shan Si.
But Shan Si glanced in the direction of Siyue Town, his demeanour uncharacteristically calm. "Think about it, we caused a lot of damage to his estate, the town, and his image. It's cause for rejoicing, but not when half of that reason is locked away. You're better at my side than a prisoner."
You did this…I was dragged into the mess, Tao Hua thought, his nose scrunching. But his eyes widened, and he looked up at Shan Si, the anger slowly fading.
"I'm sure the townspeople are now finally figuring out who he really is—hah, kind of funny, and by his son, too. I should have taken you sooner," Shan Si laughed through a sinister smile, one that had his cheeks melt into his eyes. "There's only loss in this situation for a man starving for accomplishment. Why, oh why, oh why, Lord Tao, did you hide such a man? Peculiar."
But not even Tao Hua knew the answer to that, nor could he think about it. Instead, he thought, Is he saying he wants me around...?
Shan Si just shrugged, turning back to look at Tao Hua.
"Guess I'm the one wasting our time now," he said, almost looking humanly normal for a moment. Tao Hua continued to stare up at him, and just as he was about to break his own vow and speak, Shan Si immediately interrupted.
"What I meant to say was: I get that you're constantly in this state of wonderland and such, but you seriously have to be smarter than that. What were you thinking?"
And that comment alone plunged him straight into self-deprecation.
Necessity. Useful. Self-interest. That was Shan Si, and in comparison, Tao Hua was the fool who solved all three.
So, he clamped his mouth shut, and just like that, his entire body slumped—he no longer felt scared nor curious, just disappointed. And that now slowing heart sank to his stomach for the millionth time that night, and it did so as if dragging him down.
Shan Si reached his hand in and said, "You'd be better off dea—"
But Tao Hua just swatted it away, only offering him one threatening, icy glare before turning away.
"Oh…what now?" Shan Si said, his hands still lingering where they once remained. "Did that seriously piss you off?"
This was exactly why Tao Hua refused to speak to him. How difficult was it to say sorry? Then again, Tao Hua had to keep reminding himself this man entered his life with ill motives.
So why was he expecting so much? How unrealistic.
"Okay, fine," Shan Si held up his hands defensively. "Be that way. See if I care. Just stop wasting my time and let's get going already."
Shan Si turned away, but hesitated before whirling back around, halfway, and despite his growing irritation, he completely contradicted himself.
This contradiction was sternly spoken and said, "That was risky, Tao Hua. Don't do it again—I'm not asking, either."
Speechless! Speechless for a man who refused to speak at all! Shan Si was nothing but a walking, rambling, inconsistent asshole! One Tao Hua couldn't decipher, even if he tried.
He hated it so much.
Holding his fists to his side, and grinding his teeth, Tao Hua turned and started down the Official Road and past Shan Si. He was angry, and he was going to show it, too! Fuck!
Shan Si's lip lifted, and his nose scrunched. Through the voice of an irritated man, he asked, "Where do you think you're going? Trying to get killed?"
No response.
"Oh, my…" Shan Si laughed mockingly. "You're welcome?"
Tao Hua just continued down that road. He folded his arms over his chest, hiding the knuckles that had long gone white. However, with each step away from Shan Si he'd venture, the more unsure he became.
That was mostly due to the sounds of the forest becoming louder the less Shan Si spoke. They weren't sounds Tao Hua was familiar with, either.
It was as if the walls of Siyue Town shielded him from what truly existed within Buzhi Forest. So, he slowed down, his heart racing just as his expression fell into uncertainty.
And a bit of fear.
But he'd come to a halt, nearly snapping back at the catch of his arm. A darkened shadow crossed his face, and his eyes widened. Before he head slap his arm back, it stopped in the hand of another.
He looked up to find Shan Si once more.
"Stop. Just listen to me," he ordered, clearly annoyed. "You have no idea where you're going, and you have no skills to survive. You don't have to like me—you can use me, I don't care. Just…stop putting yourself in danger already. That benefits neither of us."
Tao Hua stared at him for a moment before turning his head away and toward the ground. He hated the idea of using someone—he wasn't like Shan Si, and he knew how much it hurt being treated that way.
But there was still a hint of truth in what Shan Si was saying.
So, he let out a sigh, cautiously relaxing his muscles a bit. His lashes drooped, and with that, he slowly offered Shan Si a small nod.
"Good. I won't hurt you, Tao Hua, and I gave you that talisman for a reason. If I go back on my word, use it," said Shan Si. His voice sounded strained, as if in pain, and that pain was fighting against his ever-growing frustration with Tao Hua. "Let's go."
So, Shan Si moved his hand down, removing it from Tao Hua's arm, and toward his wrist. Though his words were gentle, his actions were anything but, and with a hop, he dragged the two into the woods and off the path.
Breath hitched, Tao Hua finally broke his silence, pressing his heels into the dirt and pushing against Shan Si's arm.
Tricked! There was nothing gentle or kind about this asshole!
"Where are you taking me?!" Tao Hua cried.
But Shan Si kept going without a word, his focus purely set on the innards of Buzhi Forest.
Looking back at the vanishing path, and then toward the terrifying forest, Tao Hua's face fell into complete horror.
Once more, he screamed. It was a helpless scream, one dipped in the cauldron of the unknown.
"STOP!"
Chapter end.