"Huh…?"
Seeing one arm held captive, Tao Hua lifted his other arm--the one free free of Shan Si's greedy grasp--halfway into the air. The long, awkwardly large sleeve slid down his arm and bundled around his elbow.
In a way, it made him appreciate just how much warmth Shan Si's outer robe offered. Another oxymoron it seemed—Tao Hua still hated them.
However, he only just shivered the discomfort away as his mind solely concentrated on the question at hand. Pressing his trembling fingers to his cheeks, Tao Hua brushed along the wetness that had damped his skin, trailing streaks of icy stains.
"I…" He pulled his hand back, staring at the gloss that coated each rosey tip. "This…?"
That's when it finally clicked; not just the realization that Shan Si's question was certainly looking less like a question and more of answer, but the realization of what he had asked in the first place.
Lips locked and tightened, enough to wrinkle his chin, Tao Hua immediately shoved his hand back into the air. Outward it flew, flapping aimlessly like a young bird trying to take flight.
Each wild and random flail summoned the sleeve further down his forearm, until it finally covered his hand.
As soon as the sleeve was dangling, Tao Hua coiled it around his hand with a few circular swings, gathering clumps of fabric into his fist.
It was nice; warm—like being seated next to a fire after being fished out of cold waters. So, he brought that warmth to his face and began to rub against his cheeks and eyes aggressively, all in hopes to hide the truth that was concealed under the black and gold fabric.
Regardless of his efforts, Tao Hua Was absolutely shedding tears.
And as for Shan Si, he was anything but stupid…unfortunately.
His brows pinched, watching as Tao Hua hopelessly tried to mask the already known and undeniable truth. What seemed to bother him most about Tao Hua wasn't the assumptions he'd made, but that he was so wholly convinced that his "nonchalant" act was believable.
Further from the truth, actually.
No director would ever accept a few shakes of his head and mumbling inaudible words as the resolution to any climactic scene.
Oh, if only it could have been convincing. Given who it was that stood in front of Tao Hua, it really should have been! But the undeniable truth was inching closer and closer, and Shan Si hadn't an arrow to his name or any to speak of.
Perhaps that's what really aggravated Shan Si most, and confused him dearly.
The longer the two remained in that silence, the louder the scraping and sobbing grew, tightening Shan Si's already fastened constraint of Tao Hua's arm.
As if the all-white noise increased tenfold, making the silence undesirable, Shan Si finally quelled it by saying, "Yes, you are. You're crying, Tao Hua."
Tao Hua kept shaking his head, increasing the speed the more Shan Si insisted.
All day—all fucking day, from the moment he left the Tao Estate for The Bookstore and dealt with all the nasty comments, Tao Hua had successfully kept it together. He always had, truthfully. That was the art of dissociation, best explained as playing the role of an NPC who could handle any and all things said and done to him.
Though he was neither an architect nor a carpenter, Tao Hua had still built walls so thick and tall that none in that merely little town could dream of penetrating them.
So, this is what it took to finally cause him to break? Face-planting into a pile of snow due to exhaustion? It was laughable for someone who grew up in the Tao Estate.
At this point, Tao Hua wasn't sure if his breaking point was laughable or just sad. But there was still room to save face, even if those walls had to be built with poorly mixed clay.
"I-It's the cold," Tao Hua choked out, irritating his skin more and more. But even in trying to convince himself, he could only sob harder at each tucked-away fact finally resurfacing after years of ignoring them. In the moment of a well-deserved tantrum, Tao Hua stomped his foot onto the ground and lied, "I'm fine! I'm not crying! P-Please...I...I swear I'm not...lying. I promise."
"..."
There was more silence between the two until Tao Hua blurted, "Just speak already! P-Please. I'm..."
He wasn't sure how to complete that sentence. Anything he could say next would reveal just how vulnerable he'd become, tumbling deeper with each sob. So, he swallowed every ounce of spit in his mouth and bent his neck. The sleeve remained stationed on his face, and the involuntary sobs broke through, but the rubbing had stopped.
"Tao Hua..." Shan Si began, his tone lower than usual; quieter. Tao Hua's entire body seized just as he was preparing for any kind of insult, judgment, or even wincing. However, Shan Si softened his grip and only said, "I—I'm not going to hurt you."
But he had to stop and think about that—what confidence did Shan Si truthfully give Tao Hua that he wouldn't. The entire realization slammed into him like a falling tree.
He and Master Tao really did share many similarities.
"Hah—I get it," he said, his own shoulders slumping. "I finally get what they meant. What an awful way to figure it out. Hah. Two hundred…fuck it."
Shan Si sighed, shutting his eyes temporarily. Confused, Tao Hua just stared at the fabric shielding his eyes, narrowing on each wrinkled piece of black. But before he could ask, Shan Si just continued.
"Come on—you're exhausted, Tao Hua," Shan Si reached in, his other hand pressing against Tao Hua's aggressively moving arm. He attempted to playfully laugh in hopes to calm the situation, but it sounded more sober than it did joyous. None of it was convincing.
"Y'know, I've never heard of the cold bearing tears. The opposite, actually. Come on, Tao Hua, I'm sure they don't look good on you—"
What a peculiar scene this was—a kidnapper trying to console their captive princess.
And for some reason, that was enough to make Tao Hua practically surrender any and all control of himself. As if it were an invitation, slamming each and every wall down into dust.
But rather than reply to Shan Si, Tao Hua just shoved away all curiosity and aggressively tugged his arm from Shan Si's hold.
Then, Tao Hua did exactly as he had done with his other hand. A shake, cover, and press—right against the left side of his face.
"I…think I deserved that. Did I? Yeah, I think so," Shan Si muttered through a few more awkward and painfully sounded laughs. "That's a first. Hm—now that I think of it, it's more than deserved, actually."
Shamefully, Tao Hua gave in to that very moment of weakness, just as Shan Si stood before him in complete silence of knowing any attempt at calming Tao Hua down had been futile.
Well, any means which he had at his disposal.
Tao Hua couldn't tell what was going through Shan Si's head, nor did he want to know. It was better to leave it and assume none of it was kind enough to inquire.
His mind was so jumbled and tired, all he could do was tremble through each pitiful sob. Every and all things in that fucked up head of his simply poured out, saving no remorse for himself or Shan Si.
Everything to come was said through highs and lows, mumbles and slurs, and chokes and sobs. Nothing was protecting Tao Hua from the tsunami of a twenty-year rumble.
The monologue to follow would be Tao Hua's first ever moment breaking down in front of someone, and that started with an apology.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, Shan Si."
Chapter end.