Take note. This man, exceedingly handsome, currently has Ningguang — Tianquan of the Liyue Qixing — in his arms.
And as if that weren't enough, he was now calling for the Qixing's own secretary, Ganyu, to come join them in their little game.
"Absolutely not! I would never do something so shameful!"
Ganyu's face had gone the colour of an overfull red balloon, liable to pop at any moment.
???
"What are you talking about, Ganyu — I'm asking you to come help me up!"
Ningguang — completely unaccustomed to such close contact with a man, her whole body gone embarrassingly soft — ground her teeth together.
Ganyu, what on earth is going on in that little head of yours?
She genuinely wanted to crack it open and have a look.
"Ah... but I thought you were asking me to come and join you two in—"
"Enough. Stop talking."
Ningguang's voice was sharp.
The room settled back into silence.
Cao Zhong unhurriedly straightened his clothes. Ningguang restored herself to her usual impeccable composure.
Then she fixed Cao Zhong with a glare that could strip paint, looking as though she'd very much like to bite him.
This insufferable man. How dare he do that to her.
Cao Zhong felt her eyes on him and gave a small shrug.
"This genuinely wasn't my fault — you didn't believe me, so I had to find a way to prove it."
"Get out."
Ningguang sent a Jade Parcel sailing at him. He deflected it without effort.
"Any time you need me again, feel free to call. I'm more than happy to be of service."
"Drop dead."
She watched him walk out the door, her teeth nearly cracking from the pressure.
She was, by any measure, one of the most rational people alive. So why was it that every shred of that rationality evaporated the moment Cao Zhong was in the room?
Ningguang sank deep into the sofa.
Writhing. Twisting. A sound that was half frustration, half something else entirely.
It took a while before she recovered.
"...Actually, keeping a younger man around might not be so terrible."
A mysterious smile crossed her lips.
In the group chat:
[Kaeya]: I think I finally understand why girls love motivational content so much — read enough of it and anyone would get confused about reality.
[Venti]: Motivational content? What kind of content? What does that mean?
[Bennett]: Uwuwuwu~~~ I'm genuinely not clean anymore!!!
[Cao Zhong]: @Venti Are all gods as unhinged as you?
[Zhongli]: I would imagine not.
[A Certain Rex Lapis Research Expert]: @Zhongli There you go again, pretending to be the Geo Archon. I've seen your type before. Think knowing a bit about Rex Lapis lets you go around deceiving young innocent girls, do you? I'm going to expose you for the fraud you are, you self-important—
[Zhongli]: ???
[Cao Zhong]: @A Certain Rex Lapis Research Expert Just between us — what do you think the odds are that Zhongli actually IS Rex Lapis?
[A Certain Rex Lapis Research Expert]: @Cao Zhong Bro. You're joking, right?
[Venti]: Kukukukukuku!!!!
[A Certain Rex Lapis Research Expert]: @Venti Lord Anemo Archon, please don't laugh at me — I'm scared!
[Hu Tao]: Whoa! Zhongli, are you actually Rex Lapis?! Does that mean I can use your image in advertisements? "Rex Lapis, King of Rock — easy to mix up with the King of the Underworld!"
[Zhongli]: @Hu Tao Director, please behave.
[A Certain Rex Lapis Research Expert]: I hear they've just excavated ruins of the Scarlet King over in Sumeru. I'm going to go have a look right now.
[Cao Zhong]: @A Certain Rex Lapis Research Expert Making a run for it, are you?
[A Certain Rex Lapis Research Expert]: What kind of talk is that? There's an old saying in Liyue — the wise man reads the room. What would you know about that.
[Cao Zhong]: Actually I was making the whole thing up.
[A Certain Rex Lapis Research Expert]: Honey, I'm home — open the door!
[A Certain Rex Lapis Research Expert]: Huh, Lao Wang? Why are you at my place?
[Lao Wang from Next Door]: Oh, um... your drainpipe got blocked. I came to help unblock it!
[A Certain Rex Lapis Research Expert]: Thanks, man!
[Kaeya]: ?
[Venti]: ??
[Bennett]: ???
[Cao Zhong]: If you want life to go smoothly, you'd better have a little green on your head. Isn't that right, Venti.
(TL note: "Green on your head" refers to the Chinese internet slang for being cheated on. Cao Zhong is taking a dig at Venti's green hair.)
[Venti]: ???
[Venti]: How many times do I have to tell you — this is NATURAL. It's NATURAL. You absolute—
[Kaeya]: You know what I genuinely don't understand — how does Cao Zhong, a man of this magnitude of scoundrel-ness, manage to have girls falling for him everywhere he goes? On what basis?!
[Venti]: I don't understand it either!
[Bennett]: I'm crying.
[Cao Zhong]: Four characters.
[Hu Tao]: What four characters?! I want to know too!
[Kaeya]: Bro. You're my bro.
[Venti]: I never ask anyone for anything. Today I am asking you. Please.
[Bennett]: Bro!
[Xingqiu]: Bro!
[Tartaglia]: Bro!
...
[Arataki Itto]: Bro!
[Kamisato Ayato]: Bro!
[Cao Zhong]: @Kamisato Ayato Well in that case, don't call me bro — call me brother-in-law.
[Kamisato Ayato]: You absolute— ...fine. Just this once. Never again.
[Kamisato Ayaka]: ???
[Thoma]: Just tell us already, I can't wait any longer!
[Cao Zhong]:. Vast and Profound.
(TL note:bó dà jīng shēn — is a four-character chengyu meaning "broad, great, and deeply refined," typically used to describe Chinese culture or classical learning. The joke is that Cao Zhong is using a prestigious classical idiom as a filthy double entendre, implying his "secret" is anatomical. The group's reactions split precisely along the line of who gets it and who doesn't.)
[Xingqiu]: NOOOOO — you've ruined that chengyu for me forever!!
[Bennett]: I genuinely didn't want to understand that. I'm still a child!
[Kaeya]: What in the— what does that even count as?
[Venti]: That's just nonsense dressed up in fancy characters!
[Cao Zhong]: Surely you can't all be failing to meet even that basic requirement?
[Kamisato Ayato]: AHAHAHA — only you, only you. I understand now.
[Tartaglia]: @Cao Zhong I've had an awakening. Thank you.
[Kaeya]: Hss~~~ I've been misjudging a master this whole time.
[Venti]: I have sinned. How could I ever doubt Cao-boss's teachings.
[Hu Tao]: What's so special about "vast and profound"? What secret language are you all speaking?
[Amber]: I can't figure it out!
[Paimon]: Men's world is so complicated!
[Keqing]: Disgusting.
[Yae Miko]: Oh ho ho — so THIS is how he won over my dear Ei-babe. Well, well, well.
[Kunikuzushi]: Infuriating!
[Ei]: #
[Yae Miko]: Thunder incoming — time to run!
[Ei]: At this moment — annihilation.
[Yae Miko]: Uwuwuwu~~ stop striking, stop it — my hair's gone completely frizzy!!
[Cao Zhong]: Honestly, the Shogun is too soft-hearted. That fox should have been dealt with properly ages ago.
[Yae Miko]: How cold-blooded of you!
[Klee]: Huh?
[Jean]: Klee, what's wrong?
[Klee]: I remember — Big Brother Cao Zhong said something about Yae Miko-nee being his sister!
[Jean]: ?
[Ei]: ???
[Yae Miko]: Hm? I certainly don't have a brother this low of character!
[Cao Zhong]: ???
[Jean]: @Klee Tell us more — what exactly happened?
[Klee]: Uwu~~~ let me think, let me think... oh! I remember! It was a poem! Big Brother Cao Zhong recited a poem!
[Cao Zhong]: @Klee No. You don't remember.
[Klee]: Huh? I definitely remember.
[Cao Zhong]: @Klee You don't remember. When I come back to Mondstadt I'll bring you a whole stack of Jumpy Dumpties.
[Klee]: Huh... I forgot what I was going to say. Klee doesn't know anything~!
[Cao Zhong]: Good girl, Klee.
[Jean]: KLEE!!!!
[Yae Miko]: @Klee — Klee, say it. Big Sister will also give you loads and loads of Jumpy Dumpties AND take you to Inazuma to blow up fish!
[Klee]: Ooh, really?!
[Yae Miko]: Of course! @Yoimiya — this is Inazuma's foremost explosives specialist. She has plenty of fireworks right here.
[Yoimiya]: Huh?!!!!!
[Klee]: Yay!!
[Cao Zhong]: @Klee Klee, you have to trust me—
[Klee]: Sorry, Big Brother Cao Zhong... Big Sister Yae is giving me so much more...
[Yae Miko]: Go on then, little Klee!
[Cao Zhong]: Don't do it, Klee—
[Klee]: Big Brother Cao Zhong said: "The mountains are high and the fox runs wild — Yae Miko is my elder sister."
[Kaeya]: That's it? That's all?
[Venti]: Boring. I thought there was going to be actual news.
[Xingqiu]: Dull. Going back to writing my novel.
[Hu Tao]: Pfft. Back to work then.
[Cao Zhong]: See? Told you it was nothing.
[Jean]: Heh.
[Yae Miko]: @Klee Is there anything else?
[Klee]: Uwu~~~ let me think, let me think... oh right! "The night deepens and the fox calls out — Yae Miko says she wants more."
[Yae Miko]: ???
[Jean]: ???
[Ei]: ( ^▽^ )
[Kaeya]: @Cao Zhong You are a man of genuine poetic talent.
[Venti]: The AUDACITY — saying things like that around a child!!
[Yae Miko]: @Cao Zhong So you want both master AND disciple, do you? Not setting your sights low!
[Cao Zhong]: Listen — let me explain — I never — I didn't mean—
[Yae Miko]: Is there anything you wouldn't dare imagine? If Makoto were still here, would you go after her too?
[Cao Zhong]: I didn't — I would never—
[Ding — a new video is about to play!]
[Ei]: ?
[Yae Miko]: ??
[Kaeya]: Excellent timing.
[Venti]: Heaven may forgive what fate brings — but there's no escaping what you bring upon yourself!
[Cao Zhong]: The injustice of it all!!