ESE'S DORM – 6:00 AM
The room was dark.
Ese's eyes opened before her alarm went off. They always did. She didn't need noise to wake her. She needed silence.
She lay still for a moment, listening to Zuru snore on the bottom bunk. Zizi's breathing was soft, rhythmic. Vicky's side was empty; she'd slept at the library again. Midterms were eating her alive.
Ese sat up. Her feet touched the cold floor. She didn't shiver. She liked the cold. It reminded her she was alive.
She walked to the bathroom. Locked the door.
The mirror showed a girl with dark circles under her eyes, full lips pressed into a line, cheekbones sharp enough to cut. Her hair was a mess; she'd braided it last night, but sleep had pulled strands loose. She looked like she hadn't slept in weeks. She looked like she didn't care.
She turned on the shower. The water was hot. Almost too hot. She stood under it until her skin turned pink, until the steam fogged the mirror, until the world outside the bathroom ceased to exist.
When she got out, she wrapped herself in a black towel and stood in front of the mirror again.
She wiped the fog away with her palm.
"Good morning, Ese," she said to her reflection.
Her reflection didn't answer.
She smiled anyway.
THE CLOSET – 6:30 AM
Ese's side of the room was neat. Not obsessive. Just controlled. Her clothes were folded by color. Blacks. Grays. Deep purples. The occasional splash of red.
She pulled on a pair of ripped black jeans. A band t-shirt she'd cut the sleeves off. A silver chain that had belonged to her grandmother. Heavy boots that made her taller than she actually was.
She looked at herself in the mirror. The girl staring back was intimidating. Dark. Unapproachable.
She laughed.
"I'm not that scary," she told her reflection.
Her reflection disagreed.
She put on eyeliner. Thick. Sharp. The kind that made people look twice. The kind that made people look away.
She didn't wear it for them. She wore it for herself.
THE CAFETERIA – 7:15 AM
The cafeteria was already loud.
Ese walked in, headphones over her ears, playing something soft and sad. A female artist singing about a love she couldn't keep. Ese knew the words by heart. She'd never been in love, but she liked the way it sounded.
She got in line. Rice. Beans. Plantain. A bottle of water.
She paid. She found a table in the corner. She sat with her back to the wall.
From here, she could see everyone.
Charlie was at a table near the window, talking to a girl Ese didn't recognize. Pretty. Loud. Laughing at everything he said. Charlie was trying too hard. He always tried too hard.
Chuks was at the front of the line, holding court. He was telling a story about something that definitely didn't happen. The nurses were laughing anyway. Chuks had that effect on people.
Kelly walked past Ese's table. She was on her phone, typing furiously, her face pinched with annoyance.
"You're up early," Ese said.
Kelly looked up. Blinked. "You spoke."
"I speak."
"You never speak."
"I speak when I have something to say."
Kelly waited. "Well?"
Ese tilted her head. "Your sister is looking for you. She's in the library. She's been crying."
Kelly's face changed. "Why?"
"Ask her yourself."
Kelly walked away.
Ese went back to her rice.
THE LIBRARY – 10:00 AM
Ese didn't need to study.
She'd read the material weeks ago. She'd highlighted the important parts. She'd memorized the key concepts. She was bored.
But the library was quiet. And quiet was where she thought best.
She sat in the back corner, a book open in front of her. She wasn't reading. She was watching.
Dr. Adeola walked past, a stack of papers in her arms. She nodded at Ese. Ese nodded back.
They'd spoken once. After class. Dr. Adeola had asked her why she never participated. Ese had said, "I'm listening." Dr. Adeola had said, "That's not the same as learning." Ese had said, "It's better."
Dr. Adeola had laughed. Ese had almost smiled.
Now they had an understanding.
Charlie walked in. He looked frazzled. His hair was a mess. His shirt was untucked. He was muttering to himself.
Ese watched him sit down at a table, pull out his phone, stare at it, put it away, pull it out again.
"You're going to wear out the screen," she said.
Charlie looked up. "What?"
"Your phone. You keep picking it up. Putting it down. Picking it up."
He walked over to her table. Sat down across from her.
"How do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Notice things. Quiet things."
Ese shrugged. "I pay attention."
"That's not an answer."
"It's the only one I have."
Charlie stared at her. "You're weird."
"I'm consistent. There's a difference."
"That's what Wesley says."
"Wesley is smart."
"He's also annoying."
"Smart people usually are."
Charlie laughed. A real laugh. "You're funny."
"I'm not trying to be."
"Even better."
He stood up to leave.
"Charlie."
He turned.
"Josephine isn't going to text you back. She's in class. She'll reply when she's done."
"How do you know?"
"Because I pay attention."
Charlie walked away, shaking his head.
Ese went back to her book.
THE PARKING LOT – 12:30 PM
Ese sat on the hood of Jon's car.
He wasn't there yet. He was running late. He was always running late.
She scrolled through her phone. Messages from the group chat she never replied to. A text from her mother she hadn't opened. A notification about a band she liked playing in Lagos next month.
She'd go alone. She always went alone.
Jon walked across the parking lot. He was wearing jeans and a grey sweater. His hair was messy. His eyes were tired.
"You're early," he said.
"You're late."
"Traffic."
"There's no traffic on campus."
"I took the long way."
"Why?"
He leaned against the car beside her. "Because I needed to think."
"About?"
He looked at her. "You."
Ese's face didn't change. Her heart did. A little flutter. She ignored it.
"What about me?"
"About why you're so quiet. About why you watch everyone. About why you never say what you're thinking."
She tilted her head. "Who says I never say what I'm thinking?"
"Do you?"
"Sometimes."
"When?"
"Now."
He raised an eyebrow. "What are you thinking now?"
She slid off the hood. Stepped closer to him.
"I'm thinking you talk too much."
She kissed him.
It wasn't soft. It wasn't gentle. It was a claim. Her hand on his jaw. Her body against his. His hands found her waist.
They stayed like that for a long time.
When she pulled back, he was breathing hard.
"Where did that come from?" he asked.
"I've been wanting to do that since the first week of the semester."
"And you waited until now?"
"I was waiting for the right moment."
"And this is it?"
She smiled. "This is it."
They walked to his car. He opened the door for her. She got in.
They drove off campus.
THE OFF-CAMPUS APARTMENT – 1:30 PM
Jon's apartment was small. Clean. Impersonal. A couch. A TV. A kitchen he never used.
Ese sat on the couch, her boots on the coffee table. Jon brought her a glass of water.
"You're not going to ask me what this means?" he said.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't need to know."
He sat beside her. "What if I want something serious?"
"Then you'll be disappointed."
"That's cold."
"That's honest."
He looked at her. "You're not like the other girls."
"I know."
"That's not an insult."
"I didn't take it as one."
He reached for her hand. She let him take it.
"I like you," he said.
"I know."
"Do you like me?"
She looked at their hands. His fingers intertwined with hers.
"I like being with you," she said. "I like that you don't ask questions. I like that you don't expect me to be someone I'm not."
"That's not an answer."
"It's the only one I have."
He nodded. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay."
They sat in silence.
His thumb traced circles on her palm.
She closed her eyes.
For once, she wasn't watching.
She was just there.
THE GIRLS' DORM – 5:00 PM
Ese walked in.
Zuru was on the floor, doing crunches. Zizi was reading. Vicky was on her bed, staring at the wall.
"You're back," Zuru said.
"I never left."
"You were gone for hours."
"I was out."
"Out where?"
Ese sat on her bed. "Out."
Zuru stopped doing crunches. "You're being mysterious."
"I'm being private. There's a difference."
"You're always private."
"I'm always me."
Vicky looked up. "Where did you go?"
Ese met her eyes. "For a drive."
"With who?"
"Someone."
Vicky stared at her. "You're hiding something."
"I'm not hiding. I'm just not telling."
"Same thing."
"It's not."
Vicky lay back down. Zuru went back to her crunches. Zizi turned a page.
Ese pulled out her phone.
Jon (5:02 PM): Today was nice.
Ese (5:03 PM): It was.
Jon (5:03 PM): Can I see you again?
Ese (5:04 PM): Tomorrow. Same time.
Jon (5:04 PM): I'll be there.
She put the phone away.
Her stomach fluttered. She ignored it.
THE DORM HALLWAY – 7:00 PM
Ese was walking to the bathroom when she ran into Kelly.
Kelly was crying.
Ese stopped. "What happened?"
Kelly wiped her eyes. "Nothing."
"You're crying. That's not nothing."
"It's Nelly. She's being stupid."
"What did she do?"
Kelly's voice cracked. "She went back to Oliver."
Ese's face didn't change. "That's not stupid. That's love."
"It's the same thing."
"Sometimes. Not always."
Kelly looked at her. "How do you know?"
Ese was quiet for a moment. "Because I've been in love. And I've been stupid. And they're not the same."
"Who were you in love with?"
Ese smiled. It didn't reach her eyes. "No one you know."
She walked away.
THE BATHROOM – 7:15 PM
Ese locked the door.
She stood in front of the mirror. The girl staring back had sharp eyeliner and dark clothes and eyes that saw too much.
She took off her jewelry. Her grandmother's chain. Her silver rings. Her heavy boots.
She washed her face. The eyeliner came off in black streaks. She looked younger without it. Softer.
She didn't like soft.
She put the eyeliner back on. Thicker this time.
The girl in the mirror was intimidating again.
Ese smiled.
"Much better."
THE ROOF – 9:00 PM
Ese climbed the ladder to the roof.
The science block roof. Her thinking spot. Her watching spot.
The stars were out. The campus was quiet. The wind was cold.
She sat on the edge, her legs dangling over the side.
She thought about Jon. About the way he looked at her. About the way his hands felt on her waist.
She thought about Aaron. About the way he manipulated everyone without even trying.
She thought about Vicky. About the way she loved a man who would never love her back the way she deserved.
She thought about Oliver. About the way he almost died. About the way he was trying to live.
She thought about herself.
What do I want?
She didn't know.
She'd never known.
Her phone buzzed.
Jon (9:05 PM): Can't sleep.
Ese (9:05 PM): Neither can I.
Jon (9:06 PM): What are you doing?
Ese (9:06 PM): Watching the stars.
Jon (9:07 PM): Are you alone?
Ese (9:07 PM): I'm always alone.
Jon (9:08 PM): You don't have to be.
She stared at the message.
Her thumb hovered over the keyboard.
She didn't reply.
She put the phone away.
The stars were bright. The wind was cold. The night was quiet.
Ese sat on the roof, alone, watching.
Always watching.
THE DORM – 11:00 PM
Ese climbed into bed.
Zuru was already asleep. Zizi was half-asleep, her book open on her chest. Vicky was still awake, staring at the ceiling.
"Ese," Vicky whispered.
"Yes."
"Are you happy?"
Ese was quiet for a long time.
"I don't know," she said.
"That's not an answer."
"It's the only one I have."
Vicky didn't respond.
Ese closed her eyes.
She thought about Jon. About the way he said "You don't have to be alone."
She thought about her grandmother's chain around her neck. About the silver rings on her fingers. About the heavy boots that made her taller.
She thought about the girl in the mirror. The one with the sharp eyeliner and the dark clothes and the eyes that saw too much.
That's me, she thought. That's all of me.