Part 29
I start dreaming about it.
Not every night.
Just enough to notice.
At first, it's normal stuff.
Scrolling. Chatting. Typing dumb messages.
Then… it changes.
The server is there.
But bigger.
Endless.
Channels stretching forever. Names I've never seen. Messages I never typed.
And yet…
I understand all of it.
Every message. Every pause. Every decision before it happens.
Like before.
Like when I chose control.
I wake up.
Cold.
Heart racing.
"…it's just a dream," I whisper.
But deep down…
I know it's not.
The next day, I avoid Discord again.
No checking. No scrolling. Nothing.
Hours pass.
Then something weird happens.
I reach for my phone—
Not to open Discord.
Just to check the time.
But my thumb… hesitates.
Right over the app.
Like it already knows what I'm about to do.
I pull back.
"…nope."
I put the phone down.
Walk away.
This is getting stupid.
I'm overthinking it.
It's just an app.
Just people.
Just messages.
Right?
…right?
That night—
I hear it.
Clear as day.
Ping.
My eyes snap open.
Dark room.
No phone in my hand.
No notifications.
Nothing.
But I heard it.
I sit up slowly.
"…okay, not funny."
Silence.
Then—
Ping.
Closer this time.
Not from my phone.
Not from anywhere I can see.
From… somewhere behind me.
I don't turn around.
I already made that mistake once.
Instead, I grab my phone.
Hands shaking just a little.
Open Discord.
The server loads.
Active. Loud. Normal.
But there's a DM.
One message.
From a user with no name.
No icon.
Nothing.
Just blank.
I open it.
One line.
"you hear it now"
I stare at the screen.
My throat goes dry.
I type:
"…what do you want?"
The reply is instant.
"nothing"
Pause.
Then another message:
"you already chose"
My chest tightens.
"I chose to leave," I type.
Dots appear.
Slow. Calm. Certain.
Then—
"no"
Another message follows.
"you chose to listen"
Silence fills the room again.
Heavier than before.
Because now I get it.
This isn't about Discord anymore.
It's not about mods.
Or servers.
Or roles.
It's about awareness.
And once you have it…
You don't lose it.
You can ignore it.
You can pretend.
You can look away.
But it stays.
Always.
I lock my phone.
Set it down.
Lay back.
Stare at the ceiling.
No more pings.
No more messages.
Just quiet.
But it's different now.
Not empty.
Not peaceful.
Aware.
Like something is always just… there.
Waiting for me to notice again.
I close my eyes.
And for the first time…
I don't try to ignore it.
I just listen.
Ping.
This time…
I smile.