When we stepped inside the house, just like outside, all eyes were on us. Fırat had shoved me in roughly, and as if doing that in front of everyone wasn't enough, he was looking at me as if he wanted to kill me.
"I'm disgusted by you," I said, not caring that his mother and brother were close enough to hear us. I said it while looking straight into his eyes. "Even if the whole world came together, I would never belong to you!"
With the anger that paid no heed to anything or anyone, he pulled me toward him. When our bodies collided, he leaned close to my face and said, "Whether you want it or not!"
I yanked my arm harshly out of his grip, turned my back, lifted my skirt, and rushed up the stairs. I didn't stop until I reached the third floor of the house… When I arrived at Fırat's room, I opened the door and went inside. I took off the red veil on my head, then removed the headscarf I had worn for the religious marriage. I threw it to the ground and burst into loud sobs. Collapsing onto the floor, I rebelled against my cursed fate.
It was as if no one could hear me, no one could understand me. No one knew about the storms raging inside me.
"I endured it for you, Berra! I endured it for you, my sister, but you see the state I'm in… I can't take it anymore! I can't bear this man touching me! I can't do it, I can't endure it!"
Hours passed like minutes, and I found myself on the balcony. A number of luxury cars were driving away. Their relatives were leaving; everyone was starting to disperse. The courtyard was completely empty. The gates of the largest mansion in Mardin were closing. My hands gripped the balcony railings, and I let out a breath like a deep sigh. I couldn't do it—it wasn't in my control, I couldn't endure this. If tradition demanded a life for a life, then I would give them what they wanted. Was my life so precious anyway? Even if they didn't think of me, as long as my brother and Berra were happy somewhere, that was enough for me…
I heard the door to the room open, and immediately, holding onto the railing, I threw one leg over the balcony, then the other… When I turned my face inward, I locked eyes with Fırat. He had closed the door behind him and was watching me from the entrance. He looked quite shocked, yet that same anger still burned in his eyes. Furrowing his brows even more, he said in a harsh, deep voice,
"What are you doing?"
Swallowing with difficulty, I said, "I'm doing exactly what you want!"
"Don't be ridiculous. Get down!"
A smile formed on my face—I laughed, even let out a short burst of laughter. Then, as my face returned to normal and he cautiously stepped toward me,
"Don't you dare step onto that balcony!" I said.
He stopped at the entrance. There were only two meters between us, but it would take me less time to let myself fall than for him to reach me. We both knew that.
"If this is what your tradition wants, if you demand a life for a life, then what difference does it make?" I said. "Just because my brother loved your sister doesn't mean we have to love each other, right? Since my brother took your sister, then you can take my life and settle the score! After all, these matters don't revolve around men—your traditions, your customs are like this, aren't they?"
He tried to come closer. "You're talking nonsense!" he said, but I shook my head. I wasn't talking nonsense—I was speaking my thoughts, and I was right. Even when men made mistakes, women paid the price here.
"Stay there! Don't come any closer! You're going to listen to me! You said, 'Whether you want it or not!' Well now, whether you want to or not, you're going to listen to me! I am not your property! I am not anyone's property, and I never will be! All I wanted was to study, to earn my own living—I wanted the same for my sister. Marriage never even crossed my mind, but you, just for the sake of revenge, tore me away from my dreams, my hopes, my family! Do you know why I'm doing this? I don't know if you have one, but if somewhere deep inside you there's even a speck of conscience, I'm doing this so it aches for a lifetime! Let that conscience of yours ache forever for tearing a girl away from life in the spring of her youth, Fırat Koroğlu!"
There was no mercy in the eyes of the man standing before me. No compassion. It was as if my words had no effect on him. He stood there like an unshakable mountain, watching me.
Just as I was about to release my grip and let myself fall backward, he spoke:
"Do you think I'd give up if you died?"
I couldn't make sense of it. Holding tighter to the railing, I frowned and watched him. Listened.
"Even if you kill yourself right now, nothing will change for me! And you'll have died for nothing! Because right after you die, I'll go and take your sister from your house! She's a pretty girl… what a pity it would be at such a young age! Maybe she'll kill herself like you, and her end will be death too!"
My lips parted. I stared at him in disbelief. I truly couldn't believe what he was saying. Every word felt like a hammer striking my heart. I couldn't breathe. It was as if all the strength had drained from my body. For a moment, I thought I wouldn't be able to hold on—I felt weak, as though I would fall. But at the last second, I resisted, pulled myself forward, closed my eyes, and took deep breaths.
Taking advantage of that moment, Fırat Koroğlu immediately grabbed me under my arms and pulled me inside. As my body was dragged around, I felt helplessness wrap around my wrists like chains…
I don't know when my tears started falling. I lifted my head and locked my tearful eyes onto his merciless gaze.
"How can you be this cruel?" I whispered. "How can you be this evil? Did they feed you poison instead of food? How can you harbor this much hatred, Fırat? Even toward someone who has done nothing to you?"
I saw him swallow. His Adam's apple moved slightly, but not a trace of the hardness on his face faded. Then he grabbed my chin between his thumb and forefinger and pushed me toward the bed. When the back of my legs hit the mattress, I began to tremble.
"I will never love you, Zerda."
At that moment, it felt like he had punched me right in the center of my heart.
"You will always remain worthless to me. From now on, you won't even get a sip of water from me on a rainy day!"
My throat tightened. As tears streamed down my cheeks, I shook my head.
"Why, Fırat? Why me? What did I do to you?"
With all his fury, he roared at my face.
"We were disgraced in all of Mardin because of you! Because of your brother!"
What did he mean? Despite the questions screaming in my mind, I asked again in a trembling voice,
"What is my fault, Fırat? What is my sin in this?"
The hatred in his eyes burned like fire.
"Your fault is being the sister of that bastard!" he hissed through his teeth. "He kidnapped my sister before the wedding. So I took his sister. Now we're even! But don't worry—I'll smash his face the first chance I get. And even then, it won't be enough, you know? It will never be enough! You—your family—stained my family's honor. There had to be a price."
I realized there was no point in saying anything anymore. No matter what I said, I couldn't extinguish the anger inside him. Maybe it would fade with time… maybe one day he would open his eyes… Even knowing I was fooling myself, I wanted to believe it.
But I hated him too. Precisely for this—for hurting me without reason. His hatred toward me was baseless. Because it wasn't my fault!
"Take off your clothes."
For a few seconds, I couldn't process what I had heard. Then suddenly, my eyes widened.
"What?"
Fırat repeated more harshly,
"I said take off your clothes!"
I froze. What was he trying to do? This man… he couldn't do this to me! But then I thought of my sister. I had come here of my own will, I had agreed to be his wife. With trembling fingers, I began unbuttoning the front of my dress.
As I undid the buttons one by one, starting from my neck down to below my stomach, Fırat stood silently in front of me, watching.
When I reached my chest, he suddenly raised his hand and signaled me to stop.
My whole body went cold. I held my breath.
Then, he suddenly began unbuttoning his own shirt. As I watched in shock, he took it off and pulled a small pocket knife from his pocket. I stepped back in horror, but he ignored me and walked past me toward the other side of the bed.
He cut his wrist slightly and let a few drops of blood fall onto the middle of the sheet. Then, in one swift motion, he pulled the sheet and walked to the door. When he cracked the door open and held the sheet outside, I heard the ululation of the women outside.
I couldn't believe it…
This man was deceiving even his own family.
Now everyone would think we had been together that night. Yet he hadn't even touched me with the tip of his finger.
A few seconds later, he came back to me. His angry eyes swept over me.
"What happened between us tonight will stay between us," he said coldly. "I'm sparing you for tonight."
Suddenly, he moved away from me, took off his jacket, threw it over the armchair, then went into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him.
Covering my chest with my hands, I sat on the bed and silently cried. What if he hadn't stopped? What if he had done it to me? I didn't even want to think about it. While my hands and feet were still trembling, the sound of running water came from the bathroom. He must have been taking a shower.
Taking advantage of the moment, I removed my dress and put on a white, long, thin-strapped cotton nightgown I found in the wardrobe. After a while, the bathroom door opened, and Fırat Koroğlu stepped into the bedroom with a brown towel wrapped around his waist, water droplets running down his body. His black hair clung to his forehead, water dripping from it onto his face, while his gray eyes still looked at me with anger.
Seeing him like that—almost naked—and, despite myself, letting my gaze linger over his muscular, tanned body, my cheeks warmed, and I looked down in embarrassment.
"You've put on your pajamas," he said. "I was about to sleep, but you can't sleep next to me."
I lifted my head and looked at him in surprise. As he ran his fingers through his wet black hair, he stood in front of the mirror and looked at me through it.
"Where am I supposed to sleep then?" I asked.
"On the floor," he said.
My lips parted in shock. There was also a large L-shaped couch in the room. Pointing to it, I said, "At least let me sleep on the couch," but he immediately refused.
"If I say you'll sleep on the floor, then you'll sleep on the floor! Lie down on the rug!"
I glared at him, but then told myself, Be quiet, Zerda. Don't make things worse for yourself now. Let him live through his anger for a few days. Swallow your pain for now—just be silent, bury it inside.
I took a pillow from the bed, grabbed the folded blanket from the corner of the couch, and spread it on the floor. I placed the pillow near the door, covered myself with the blanket, and lay down. Fırat Koroğlu went to the bed without even sparing me a glance.
And I lay on the floor, right beside his wide bed.
Strangely, though, I felt a sense of relief inside me. He hadn't forced himself on me. He already had a wife—doing that would have been wrong in my eyes. Besides, we didn't know each other, we didn't love each other. I couldn't do such things without love.
I had never been in love before. I didn't know what love felt like, but I was sure of one thing: even if we had met under normal circumstances, I would never have fallen in love with this wretched man.
Burying my head into the pillow, I muttered,
"Good night to you too, you brute."
Just as I had closed my eyes, Fırat's voice suddenly came.
"Excuse me? Did you say something?"
My eyes flew open. I swallowed faintly.
"No, I didn't say anything," I replied quickly.
There was silence for a while. No answer came. He must have been convinced. I sighed softly, turned my back, and closed my eyes.
When I woke up in the morning, I was alone in the room.
Fırat Koroğlu had already left.
And that was truly a wonderful thing. Because if I had started my day by seeing his face, I was sure my day would have been ruined.
Despite the coolness of the air conditioner, I woke up drenched in sweat. I must have slept restlessly all night. To cool off, I went straight to the bathroom and quickly took a shower. Feeling refreshed, I let my wet hair fall over my back and walked toward the wardrobe. Among the clothes the maids had carefully arranged for me, I chose a light, airy dress. The V-neck, short-sleeved dress with delicate embroidery that ended just below my knees flowed gently over my skin. In the summer, I never dried my hair—I let it fall freely and enjoyed the coolness. I did the same today and stepped out of my room.
But how was I supposed to know that in this house, that would be considered breaking a rule?
First, I went down from the third floor to the second. I stopped in front of Cihan and his mother's room and lightly knocked on the door. When I didn't hear a response, I gently pushed it open. A deep silence filled the room, but the sound of running water from the bathroom showed that the lady of the house was inside—she must have been showering. I tiptoed in and moved toward the bed.
Cihan was in a deep sleep. His face was peaceful, his breathing steady. Unable to hold back the affection inside me, I leaned slightly and watched him. But at that moment, something unexpected happened.
The bathroom door suddenly opened. The woman stepped out in her robe, a towel wrapped around her head, her steps sharp and firm. The moment her eyes landed on me, they narrowed, and her face hardened with anger.
"What are you doing in my room? Stay away from my child!" she shouted sharply.
I was stunned.
"Please don't be angry, ma'am… I'm leaving right away," I whispered hastily, but just as I was about to go, her voice struck my ears like a command.
"Stop!"
My hand froze midair on the door handle. Slowly, I turned back and looked at her with fear and anxiety. She walked toward me slowly. Her presence filled the room. She was taller than me, imposing. She walked with an adorned elegance, like a noblewoman. As she got closer, the sharpness of her gaze burned my skin.
She leaned toward my face, and I felt like I was shrinking where I stood. Even her posture alone crushed me. Against her beauty, I couldn't help but feel ugly. With her delicate features, flawless skin, and long lashes, she seemed like she belonged to another world.
How could Fırat not be in love with her?
"I'm warning you," she said, her voice sharp and commanding. "Fırat is my husband. Stay away from him. You are a concubine in this house—you're not even worth as much as a servant."
Her words echoed in the room—but most of all, they pierced my heart. For a moment, everything inside me froze, then that coldness turned into a burning pain. My throat tightened, my eyes filled with tears. It felt as if I had been struck hard in the chest.
As her words continued to echo in my mind, I forgot how to breathe for a moment. It was as if all the light inside me had gone out…