Newborn lives, lives worn down by old age, all the suffering of the human world, all the wasted years each person carries with them at any given moment.
If there was one place where all those contradictions gathered, one place that made people feel them the moment they arrived, it was probably a hospital. The smell of disinfectant made the heart instinctively heavy. Nurses and doctors dressed entirely in white looked like figures stripped of warmth. Patients in plain striped gowns, bent backs, the rasp of labored coughs.
It made people feel how fragile life was.
An old man slumped weakly in a wheelchair pushed by his family, and a newborn curled inside a stroller pushed by its parents. The beginning and the end. Youth and old age brushed past each other, again and again.
This was what it meant to be human.
No matter what triumphs or disasters humanity had created throughout history, whether conquerors who shook the world or saints who changed its course, none of them could escape the limits of a mortal lifespan. Human beings were always this fragile... and yet it was precisely because such fragile beings could stand against things far greater than themselves that grand legends were born.
That was why they could move people so deeply, and why they deserved respect.
But I am not a conqueror. I am not a saint. I am not even a knight.
Maybe I'm just someone even more pathetic than ordinary people.
Satoru and Saki walked down the quiet corridor, avoiding the patients attached to IV stands. Even the petite girl beside him, with her brown curls, had put away her usual bold, carefree manner here. With her black top and plaid skirt, she walked quietly, almost like a bookish girl.
It would have been perfect if not for the little hand that kept misbehaving, scratching at the back of his hand.
He gave a faint wry smile.
To be honest, he could not see much of the sly information broker from Aincrad in this girl now.
That habit of pinching every penny and refusing to let go of anything once it was in her hands might have made sense if she had been a girl from a poor family. But who would have guessed she was, more or less, a young lady from a wealthy family?
In the end, the extracurricular skills young ladies were supposed to learn, violin, piano, ballet, she could not do any of them. Instead, she could play games. Considering her father worked in that industry, that was not too unreasonable. Then...
Who could explain why she knew so much about mahjong?
Fine. Forget mahjong.
Why did she even know how to play Dou Dizhu?!
That was something he had only happened to learn while working in Chinatown. Where had this girl learned it?!
"You're scratching the back of my hand hard enough that it hurts..." he finally said, gently swatting away that troublesome index finger.
"Oh." Saki's face reddened slightly. She only made that one sound.
"Speaking of which, you really didn't have to come with me. This is in the opposite direction from your school and your house. Isn't it a bother?" Satoru asked quietly.
"...I don't mind." Saki huffed. Then she glanced at the person beside her. "Do you mind?"
"Not really. I'm just surprised the old rat who used to come and go like the wind can put on this kind of act now." He smiled.
"Tch... sneaky man." Saki clicked her tongue.
The relationship between the two of them was, in truth, very delicate.
When they had first met in the Town of Beginnings, Saki had thought this expressionless person, who put clearing efficiency and his own strength above all else, was far too cold and ruthless. In SAO, which had already become a death game, that attitude was admirable. But the way he carried himself still made it impossible for others to trust their backs to him.
Later, her understanding of him slowly changed.
When had these feelings appeared? On the 75th Floor, when she received Heathcliff's request, she had very much hoped Satoru would not go to any clearing event. He was already fine as he was then. He did not need to do anything more.
Even he, at that time, had been willing to give up on so-called strength.
But he went anyway. After that, SAO ended with him.
She had not seen that battle. She had only heard the process described by frontliners who had watched it.
That person... he must have been in terrible pain at the time, but it was probably also the strongest moment of his life.
The Yurnero she knew seemed to have died in that battle too.
Satoru.
In the person beside her now, she could no longer find the back of that lone player.
And yet, clearly, he was the one who was truly alone now.
Yurnero would be wary. He would give off the guarded distance of a stranger. But he would not be this quietly withdrawn, as if his whole body had sunk into icy water. He smiled more now, but most of the time it was only a small smile. He rarely laughed out loud. Back in Aincrad, she had at least seen him laugh recklessly a few times, and smile with that slippery cunning of his.
In Saki's memory, this person seemed to have changed twice.
When Sheeta was by his side.
When Sheeta was no longer by his side.
He was mature, and he was sensitive. He was not dense. He understood the feelings of a little girl like her far too well.
Saki pressed her lips together.
That was why the thing both of them probably understood could never be said aloud.
"In ALO, they moved that floating castle, the one we used to be in. Are you really... not planning to go back? You said you're playing GGO now, right? That's a gun game. Isn't it completely unrelated to SAO?" Saki leaned a little closer to him.
He did not mind that distance.
"That world doesn't need me anymore. And I'm a little tired," Satoru said after thinking for a moment. "Right now, I really hope I won't have to fight any more battles where I have to put something on the line. These days, just playing games for fun is fine."
"But everyone is there."
"Everyone, huh..." he repeated, a faint trace of emotion in his voice. "Yeah. They were people I fought alongside. But I've always felt like our bonds never ran that deep. I don't really have anyone I'd call a friend for life."
"Do I not count...?" she asked carefully.
Satoru did not answer immediately. He only lowered his head slightly, as if asking himself.
"Maybe it was my enemies who left the deeper mark on my life," he said. "At one point, I thought I had no family, no love, no friendship. Back then, one opponent after another indirectly became the people who pushed me forward."
Even now, the weight of that dead man's halberd remained in his memory.
And that obsessive scholar, who in the end had been willing to pay the price of self-harm just to force himself into the same realm as him.
...What a waste.
"As long as you're happy. Maybe one day I can play there with you too." Saki gave a low huff.
"GGO isn't exactly a game suited to little girls. That world's style is pretty rough and crude," Satoru said. "You should behave yourself and stay a Cait Sith."
"You make it sound like there aren't any girls in that game."
"There are. There are, sure. They're mostly built like tanks."
"All of them...?"
"Now that you mention it, there are also those avatars that look delicate, like dolls. Random models, I think. They're especially expensive." Satoru rubbed his chin. "Oh, right. I ran into one a while ago. A sniper. She was small and cute, but her skill was no joke. Ah, she really got me."
He remembered that barren land. He had held the Peacemaker level, with one last bullet left in the cylinder.
In his golden eyes, he had already seen the ending. The bullet would fly along the trajectory he had calculated, pass through deviations caused by wind speed and humidity, and finally sink into the center of that sniper's forehead. Earlier, he had died in 1.8 seconds. Judging from that sniper's accuracy and speed, he had only 0.7 seconds to dodge. With his AGI value, it was not impossible.
So it would not have been mutual destruction.
He would live.
She would die.
That was how it should have been.
But the sudden, violent pain and weakness made his shot drift in the end. For the first time in a long while, he tasted defeat in that seemingly invincible state.
No... that had truly been an unmatched realm. The reason he failed was simply himself.
"Oh...? A small and cute sniper?" Saki's voice turned playful.
"She was just an opponent I met by chance. Don't start plotting again." Satoru made as if to smack her on the head.
The two of them reached the door of the examination room.
"You stay outside," Satoru said.
"Why?"
"What if they need to do a full-body exam inside? You're a young girl. Have some shame."
Saki stuck her tongue out at him, folded her arms, and sat down in one of the seats behind him.
Satoru shook his head and walked in.
...
"Doctor." Satoru stepped inside and greeted the old man in the seat politely.
"Oh, it's you. Here to pick up the results?" The old man looked up and pushed the glasses on the bridge of his nose. "Sit down first. If I don't explain them, you won't understand them, will you?"
"Thank you." He sat down calmly, though it felt as if he were waiting for a verdict.
"No need to be so stiff..." Seeing him like that, the old man first stood and went to the water dispenser to pour him a cup of filtered water.
"Thank you." Satoru accepted the water he handed over.
The old doctor did look rather old. His features were stern and weathered, giving him the look of someone used to discipline. He had probably been handsome when he was younger. His hair was gray, but combed neatly, without a strand out of place. He was still fairly tall, and for someone his age, his posture remained steady. He must have kept up some kind of exercise over the years.
His accent sounded a little strange at first, but once Satoru learned that he was not Japanese, it made sense.
Satoru had once happened to see his palms. They were rough, and the knuckles were large. That was hard to see in young people nowadays, the kind of result that came from a great deal of labor. He had heard that martial artists also deliberately struck their bones, making them tougher through injury and healing.
"Dr. Zhang, how is it?" Satoru asked.
"The test results are out." Dr. Zhang took several report sheets from the side. His still-clear eyes rested on the paper, and he slowly read through them once more. "It's a result where the good and bad are hard to separate."
"What do you mean?"
"How old are you?"
"Twenty-two. Almost twenty-three."
"Do you smoke or drink?"
"I do. I drink a little on ordinary days, though I rarely get very drunk. As for cigarettes, on a bad day, almost a pack." Satoru answered honestly.
"Mm." The old doctor nodded, then asked calmly, "Are you sexually active?"
Satoru felt an inexplicable wave of embarrassment.
"N-no."
"I see. What a pity."
"Um, does that have anything to do with this?" Satoru asked oddly. Usually, doctors asked about lifestyle habits, smoking, and drinking. He had rarely encountered this question.
"Not at all. I was just lightening the mood. Many young people like that sort of topic. Being too serious isn't good either. It's better to relax." Dr. Zhang smiled.
Satoru opened his mouth, then gave a wry laugh. He really had not expected this old man, who looked so proper at first glance, to make that kind of joke.
"All right. Let's talk about the report." Dr. Zhang turned the report in his hand around and held it out to him. "The main tests you underwent were for your brain and your physical condition. First, purely in terms of your body, you do not have any serious illness. You fall within the normal healthy range for a young person, though you are slightly malnourished and physically weak."
Satoru looked at the various numbers and terms on the sheet, still somewhat confused.
"The main issue is still the brain." Dr. Zhang paused. "When you came last time, you also said that you often felt occasional stabbing pain in your head and had felt dizziness."
"Yes," Satoru said quietly. "The symptoms have grown slightly worse over the past few days."
Dr. Zhang folded his hands together on the desk and thought for a moment.
"Actually, to be precise, there is nothing wrong with the condition of your brain... but because the patient is you, there is something wrong."
The old man spoke slowly.
"Your brain is still very healthy. But healthy for someone in their fifties or sixties. You, however, are only in your twenties."
Satoru frowned.
The old man continued.
"As we age, the number of neurons in the brain gradually decreases. At the beginning, there are around 100 billion, but from the age of twenty onward, that number declines year by year. By forty, it decreases at a rate of about ten thousand a day, affecting memory, coordination, and brain function."
"The reduction of active peptide substances causes large numbers of brain cells to atrophy and change, leading to aging phenomena. Your test results resemble that."
"But the human body is very precise. When one part goes wrong, other areas are often affected. In your case, aside from the brain, no other area looks suspicious."
"Nor can we simply say that overwork is causing your discomfort. Fatigue is usually divided into physical fatigue and mental fatigue. The former means muscle soreness and exhaustion caused by physical labor. The latter means irritability, scattered attention, and sluggish thinking caused by mental work. But you are not dazed. You are very clear-headed."
He thought for a moment.
"In traditional Chinese medicine, even if the disease is located in the brain, it is still related to the pathological mechanisms of the organs. It belongs to a condition of deficiency at the root and excess in the symptoms."
"In other words, there should not be any reason for a person in his twenties to have only his brain seem as if it has experienced more than thirty extra years."
Satoru fell silent. His hands, resting flat on his thighs, slowly clenched.
"You can understand it that way." Dr. Zhang slowly nodded. "But strictly speaking, even if the brain ages ahead of time, that alone does not threaten life. Most deaths begin with other organs failing first, leaving the brain unable to receive what it needs. At present, the brain still cannot exist separately from the other organs. The brain and the human lifespan are part of one whole. Right now, although your brain is strange, if your heart develops a problem first, you may ultimately die from heart disease."
"On this point, the lifespan of the brain and your own lifespan are the same."
"Do I still have... time?" Satoru asked.
"It is not a symptom that endangers your life in the short term... It is simply extremely difficult to understand. You show no signs of dementia caused by aging. On the contrary, your brain activity is still very high."
"Then, brain death..."
"I think you may have misunderstood what brain death means. The respiratory center of the human body is located in the brainstem. Therefore, damage to brainstem function directly causes breathing to stop. Nerve cell necrosis cannot be reversed, so when a person's brainstem suffers irreparable damage, the brainstem permanently and completely loses function, leading to irreversible loss of breathing. After that, the body's other organs and tissues gradually lose function because they no longer receive oxygen."
"It is not literally dying because the tissues inside the brain rot away."
Dr. Zhang sighed.
"The brain remains the most precise part of the human body. Even today, we know too little about it. It is very hard to say what your situation is, and I cannot give you suitable advice. But please try to relax and make sure you rest."
"So for now, that's all I can do...?" Satoru sighed.
"Being afraid would be natural. You are still so young, after all."
"Not exactly. I just want to know how much time I have left. Originally, if I had finished the responsibility on my shoulders, then dying without regrets would not matter to me." Satoru spoke softly.
"...I see." The old man nodded.
"Thank you." Satoru put away the report, folded it into four, and placed it in his pocket. He had told Saki that this visit was only for a minor illness. He could not let her see this. Even if that girl could not understand it, it was better to avoid unnecessary trouble.
He still finished the cup of water before standing up, even though he was not thirsty.
"By the way, Doctor." At the end, he seemed to remember something. "Do you think people really have souls?"
"Souls?" The old man froze, then smiled. "Who knows? That is even more mysterious. A soul with no form or substance, what kind of energy would it rely on to exist? Where would it maintain its will? None of that is clear. From that angle, its existence is probably unscientific."
"That's true. Without a brain, how could something like a lonely ghost possibly think?" Satoru laughed at himself too.
"And I believe that even if immortality truly existed, it would not necessarily mean eternity. It would only be a span of time barely one step below endlessness, limited by what the self could endure," Dr. Zhang said quietly. "Humans, even if they truly possessed the great power to control time, to travel through time, to freeze their own time..."
"Second by second, the greatest force in this universe would still continue to leave its mark on them."
"Even if the body could be remade and regenerated, even if the will were like steel and almost indestructible, human patience would still gradually wear away. A life close to eternity is equal to extinguishing one's own potential and desire."
"After witnessing countless joys and sorrows, after experiencing every human desire, in the very end, all feeling and awareness would turn pale and powerless."
"We are destined not to become gods. We are only human. We cannot endure the emptiness where everything loses value. At that time, death, the only means and the final means, would also become the means of saving oneself."
"Doctor...?"
"It's nothing. I only grew a little sentimental. Try imagining it. If such a transcendent existence really existed, an existence with a great power that ignored death, then after endless years had passed, after he no longer had any goal or obsession, he would have power and nothing to hold onto. His end... would be obvious, wouldn't it? From the moment humans are born, every step of growth is still a step toward death."
"There are many irreversible things. Only fools like us ever try to resist them."
"Fear of death, in the end, is probably like you said before. It is an emotion born from regrets left behind. When people get old, they like to sigh about life. Forgive me for making you listen." The old man looked a little embarrassed too.
"Not at all. It was a very interesting view. By the way, I still don't know your name."
"My surname is Zhang. My given name is Zhaozhong. It does not sound like a very peaceful name."
Satoru smiled at him.
That day, that moment, that sprint through the realm of infinity, also seemed fleeting and unreal.
He said goodbye to the doctor and left the room.
He touched his own eyes.
How long can I keep going...?