Chapter 18 - Chapter 15: The Morning of Thickful Confusion

Wake up…. Wake up… Wake up… So, I did. My small hands rubbed my tired eyes. I looked around the bedroom I might've slept in, while I heard the trumpets and piano blowing outside. Can you turn off that racket? My head couldn't stand it… ever since… since…. since whatever had happened. My eyes wandered to the window, the sky was pink icing. The houses, the buildings, everything had the same color tone as the sky's pink icing. Today's a new day… a fresh day. Why… Why am I… I don't know how to say it but… all over the place? Since that dream, in a spooky house, I met up with someone new. It told me… maybe advice, but I could not see its mouth or its face. It was creepy, way creepy. That person showed me- wait… w-what did it say again? I'm still… a bit tired- No, I must go to learn, to have fun, to have that fun I've missed. I stood up, my feet touched the cold floors. It felt like ice but not slippery, like… maybe my head. I walked… walked… to my drawer. What clothes can I wear today? I took out a shirt made from- No, it feels like silk, so it must be silk. Fabric… silk… fabric… silk… both? I put on, red, black, black and top it off with black. Perfect… for today. I don't care what I wear, I want to be at school… with Ms.C. I walked… walked again… opened the door. I walked to the bathroom. Took steps… small steps on the stool, I looked deep into my own eyes in the mirror. I saw darkness… It felt like nothing but also… comfy. Well, maybe too comfy. So much of it, that my heart almost stopped. I looked into the… deeper… giant… pit… as it pulls me in. I felt like looking away but I also felt like… I should keep looking. At that moment, I heard the sirens… outside… echoed… wail… maybe even cried at the sight of… whatever that is. Just when I was about to fall… fall… into it, a voice ruined it. "Tim…?" The voice called, maybe muffled. I continued looking… and looking. Before, the voice was louder, "Tim." The voice said firmly. I snapped out of… whatever that was, looked behind me, and saw my momma. Oh, I owe a thousand sorrys. "Oh, Morning, Momma," I greeted her. "I was wondering where you were," Momma said, "I thought you were downstairs, because you weren't in the room. You had me about to pass out. But, I'm glad that my little boy knows how to be hygienic!" Momma pinched my cheek playfully and left the bathroom. I smiled… was my smile really true? I grabbed the- I can't even feel what touches me or what I touch… has it always been that way? I don't know what to do… What was I doing again? Oh yes. I grabbed the toothbrush and… brush… brush… brush… foam forms in my mouth. Insanely hard, I brush my teeth, no matter how hard… my mouth never bleeds. If it doesn't hurt then… I must be superman! I could get a new cape, new suit, and maybe even a new name to hide my identity! How about… The Tim-inator? Nah, sounds… too evil. I can come up with it later. I continued brushing… brushing… and brushing till my teeth were white- weren't they always white? I swore there might be a time where they were yellow… I guess I'm such a tidy guy. I spit out the foam from my mouth, gargled some water, and spit out again. Something did feel off today, or maybe… maybe I just want some… change. I looked at myself in the mirror. I think I looked different the last time I used a mirror. I think I was…older. I must be going crazy then. I was going to stare into the mirror again, but… I looked away. I don't want to be lost in that deep pit again, what if I go crazy and bounce around the house? I stepped down the stool, went out of the bathroom, and walked down the staircase. But, that staircase felt like I was walking on one that lasts forever. Each step felt like I was restarting the entire thing. The living room had that same color tone as the sky outside. It was as quiet as a library, and I went to the kitchen, nobody was there. I feel… I don't know, but I feel something, I just… can't think of it. Think… Think… what do I mean? I grabbed my backpack which sat beside the couch. The clouds… maybe they were moving, or maybe the bookbag's clouds felt too real. Way… too real. I looked behind me, and my momma was coming down the stairs. "You know, Tim," My momma called, "It's still early, I could serve you a bowl of cereal." Hmm… cereal. What's that? Whatever it is, it does sound good, but… maybe for tomorrow. "I'm okay, momma. Thank you," I replied softly, "Where's dada? Is he not here?" My momma came to me and answered, "Your dad left early for work." Aw… I… really wanted to say goodbye to him before I left. "You know… I never see you wake up so early. I thought I had to wake you up, your father said that also," My momma continued, "I guess I have to let you wake up by yourself from now on." Momma then laughed and went to the kitchen. I suppose that's a good thing… or maybe bad. What if I wake up late? What if I just wanted to hear my momma's tone to wake me up. That's all I need… just to smile, after all. "But, Ma…" I pouted as I followed momma, "My day starts off great when you wake me up, though." I saw Momma brewing herself a cup of… that brown liquid? "What's that?" I asked as I pointed to her mug. Momma looked at the mug… then back at me. "It's coffee," Momma answered, "Why you'd ask?" Coffee… that sounds way better than cereal, I can't lie. "Can I… try it?" I asked while I held out my hands. My momma shook her head slightly… I'm guessing that's a no. "No, Tim. Coffee is only for big grown ups. Like me," My momma answered, "No worries… you'll be old enough to drink it soon. You know I can't have you bouncing around the house." I sighed. I really wanted this new… 'coffee' thing. Maybe coffee is dangerous! I sat down on the table… waiting… waiting… to go. My momma sat down at the table with me and reminded me, "When you go… just don't get hurt again. Okay, Tim?" I nodded softly and promised, "Okay, momma." My momma smiled… I think… I think… I think… I could feel her warm smile. I'm sure of it. Did I ever get hurt? I don't think I did, I felt no pain or anything. Never tripped once in my life. Maybe I am superman after all. I'm going to have to ask my momma for a supersuit now. After a bit of time, even though it felt like… time didn't pass at all, it was time for me to leave. I stood up, and went to the door. "Bye, Momma," I said as I waved goodbye to my momma. Momma waved back and replied, "Bye, Tim. Be safe!" I left the house and closed the door behind me. I turned around and… I felt a bit lost from the sight of outside. The houses were like clones…. copies… and something else. I don't like it… it's too quiet, where's the noise when you need it. I wanna go back… but I can't, I got to go to school where the fun I will have is right there. I walked- where was I supposed to go? Everywhere I look… it's just all the same. I did see sirens but I don't think they had a use. What was another word I used for fun..? Bl.. Bli… Blass? No… I could've used it at some point… when? After minutes of walking… wandering… I found a bus-stop where I could stay before I leave. Looking around, I can't lie, it was quite peaceful than it was earlier. At first it was spooky but now… quiet. Too quiet… I sat… sat… sat down under the roof of the bus-stop with the warmth of the glowing ball in the sky giving me a bit of… comfort. Now this… this is the quiet I need. Quiet… Silent… and… Peaceful. Hm, that's a new word, don't know what it is. I could ask Ms.C… maybe she knows what it means. Blass… blass… blass? Where did these words even come from? I kept waiting… waiting… waiting… waiting… and waiting. Then, I thought of something. It was a sentence from… I don't know who though. "You're not funny… you'll never be my friend." I was… always funny! I swear I might've made at least 3 or 4 people laugh or giggle. That… must've been nothing. Thinking too much when I should focus on the smiles i'll have today. "I don't like playing with you." That's just lying. I could be the best football player ever. I knew how to throw one without being taught, it was… instant! That's another lie down… but then came others. "You're weird." "I don't know you." "Leave me alone." "I don't want you even near me." "You're not fun to be with." No.. I-I can't be all of that. I'm not weird… I'm just like them! They still kept coming back at me… over.. and over… and over… and over. I covered my ears… maybe I can block them out. But… it didn't. It just kept coming. I felt like… my throat feels more tight and… tears were f-f-forming in my eyes. I can't cry right here and now… not right now… please. I tried breathing in and out, like Ms.C taught me, but even that I could still feel that attached to me. Those words… I think I've heard it before. It might've been from- Oh wait, I hear the bus! That means it's time! I saw the bus coming near the bus stop where I am. It stopped right in front of it and opened its doors. Those mean words… Whatever happened this morning… it stays in that morning… dawn… dawn… Guess I have to ask Ms.C what dawn means too. I got onto the bus… which was quiet yet full of students like me. Well, except their body is a shadow, like my momma and my dada. I wish I was a shadow like them… I walked down to the seat where I might've always sat. I sat down at the seat which was right across from this other girl. I know her name… I just don't wanna make mistakes. "Hey, umm… Nyx," I said to her. "Hey, Tim. Long time no see," Nyx greeted me back. Okay, that's one stepping stone. I was… just quiet after that. "So, Tim," Nyx said to me, "How's that boo-boo doing?" Wait, what boo-boo? I don't remember getting a boo-boo. "What boo-boo?" I asked. Nyx pointed at my hand, I followed her point and I saw a bandage wrapped around my right hand. When did I get this…? "Umm… It's fine," I answered to Nyx before I started unwrapping the bandage. I looked at my hand and… there was no boo-boo. What's the point of me having it on me, if there was no boo-boo? "Strange…" I said to myself. I must be a superhero after all. Is it fast healing or… this is just something else entirely. "Strange it is," Nyx replied. I nodded at her reply and looked outside… It looked amazing. I saw the rolling hills but… those big fans looked weird. Its wings had curves and… and… I don't know, but It's really weird. It's not supposed to look like that, I'm sure of it. I looked down at my shoes. Maybe… Maybe… Maybe… Maybe. I'm still tired. Maybe, tired enough to see things way differently and feeling like… maybe I should sleep in my momma's arms. Feeling like… maybe I should go and play till my heart stops. One of the greatest feelings that is. And there I was… imagining myself sleeping in someone's arm… imagining myself playing in the grass… imagining myself… getting kicked over and over? Where did that come from? I looked away from my shoes and focused on Nyx who was also looking outside the window. She must've loved the view like I did. The sky had the same tone as pink icing or maybe even better… strawberry ice cream, and the grass was dark green. That… is very amazing! And… blass- No, No, No, why do I keep saying blass? I bet blass wasn't even a word anyway. Just silly me wanting to be a writer I guess. What was I doing? Oh, yeah, Going to school, to have fun, and to learn so much. Yes… that's what I was doing. "Even though you're new here, it'll feel like you've been here forever…" If I think about it… Ms.C's right. I've always been here and I've always had. And Forever. And… and… that game show on that television I could remember. I don't know when I've seen it. "And the winner is…." It got cut off. Nobody's the winner… maybe not even me. W-w-whatever… I just need a break, maybe I could get that break at school. The bus was oddly quiet… a few kids were talking and laughing this early in the morning. If only I could laugh along with them. Maybe I can… I can giggle… laugh… chuckle… or even all at once. I kept looking out the window, kind of lost in the view. If only I had a camera… If only… If only… If only I can just have a good morning where I don't feel lost. Because right now, I feel nothing but… but… that word again. I-I-I need to know what that word was. I'll… maybe find it later. Why should I be so… worried? It's nothing, I can just look inside a… a… book? "Nyx," I said. Nyx turned her head from the window to look at me. "Yeah?" Nyx replied. I was… quiet. I took my time before I said, "I don't know if it's just me, Nyx. But… ever since yesterday. I felt… lost." Nyx was silent just like I was, but then she sighed, "Is it about that guy again? Ugh… Don't let him get to you. Some people just don't like people who are different from them." It wasn't about the kid. "Alright," I replied, "But, enough about that. How was your morning?" Nyx just shrugged at my question and answered, "It's fine. I wish it was the weekends, I want to watch my show." I did a small smile at her answer. The weekends are the best days. You get to relax, play, and watch your favorite shows. But, I'd like to have a day with Ms.C more than the weekends. I wonder… what should I do for the weekends? To go out and play, maybe. I could make new friends- "You're not funny… you'll never be my friend." That thing… that thing again… okay, maybe I could… could… darn it. What could I do? I know! I could- The bus stops. I looked out the window… and saw it. We're here. Back at this school… I can't wait! I could imagine so much fun things we can learn and do today. The door of the bus opens and everyone in the bus stood up and started to walk out. Today, this school day, I'm sure it'll go okay. I can't wait to draw, color, and learn- "A̵r̴e̵n̸'̴t̸ ̶y̷o̸u̷ ̶h̷a̸p̴p̷y̶ ̴w̴h̵e̴r̴e̶ ̴y̸o̶u̵ ̷b̵e̶l̶o̶n̵g̴.̶.̵? I̵f̵ ̴y̴o̷u̶ ̶l̶e̵t̸ ̷g̵o̸,̸ ̴I̸'̴l̴l̵ ̷s̸t̷o̴p̶ ̶b̷o̴t̴h̸e̷r̷i̸n̷g̴ ̴y̶o̸u̸…̷ ̵I̶f̶ ̵y̴o̵u̵ ̵l̴e̵t̶ ̸g̵o̶,̷ ̵y̷o̴u̸'̶l̵l̵ ̶t̴r̷u̴l̸y̶ ̸b̷e̷ ̵i̷n̶ ̵j̷o̴y̴…̸ ̸i̶f̴ ̵o̵n̸l̵y̷ ̴y̷o̷u̷'̴d̶ ̴u̵n̷d̶e̷r̷s̶t̵a̸n̴d̴.̸" Who… keeps doing that? I'm not sure whoever it was. But, they need to go away… just… let me be happy… happy in school… happy… with Ms.C. It's fine… it's just a little thought. It'll never get in the way of me having fun learning… right?