I was the second child of a family making a living as shepherds in a small village to the east of the capital. The most beautiful scenes of my childhood were the moments when my older brother and our loyal dog, Moi, would run through the endless meadows. My brother usually went to help my father, but sometimes we would sneak away from him just to play together. Of course, those escapades usually ended with us getting a good scolding, after which we would sit back down quietly.
My father had a completely different temperament compared to the other men in the village. Even when he reprimanded us, he would never lift a finger against us; in fact, I can hardly even remember a time when he truly raised his voice. At first, he would scold us out of fear that something might happen to us, but over time, he grew accustomed to our mischievous, disobedient ways and learned to accept them. I suppose that's what my mother saw in him—his warm, approachable heart—and fell in love with.
The memory etched most deeply in my mind belongs to a cold winter evening... My father had put on his fur coat and headed out to buy us some warm boza. When he returned, he hadn't just brought the boza; in his arms was a shivering, black-and-white dappled puppy, so thin you could count its bones. My dear father hadn't forgotten the drinks, but in that moment, we completely forgot about the boza and focused all our attention on the puppy. The most interesting part was my mother. Even though she was a meticulous woman with a fixation on cleanliness who normally disliked touching animals, she was cradling and cherishing that freezing creature as if it were a baby.
I wish I could tell you everything—all those happy memories filled with childhood joy. There were many things I loved, but the most precious frame in my heart was that warm family portrait from that night.
If only everything could have stayed on track...Everything was like a dream until that ill-fated day... My mother was busy preparing lunch in the kitchen. My father had pulled his armchair in front of the fireplace and taken a chair to stretch out his legs. For he was a man who grew fond of his comfort and surrendered to a sweet lethargy whenever he read a book. With every turn of a page, his eyes would sparkle like a little child discovering a new world. Especially if he had finished his chores in the barn early, he would savor this pleasant idleness even more eagerly. My brother and I, to pass the time, were carving and sanding pieces of branches we had gathered from the fields, trying to give them shape.
At that exact moment, the door to our warm and peaceful home was struck with a violent bang, as if it were about to break. When we opened it, four or five soldiers appeared before us, armed and clad in full armor from head to toe. One of them, without losing a moment, began to read the scroll in his hand. I can still remember the ice-cold ring in his voice as he summarized what was written:
-The Empire commands that every male over the age of ten be conscripted for the great war against the ancient beasts and the invaders of our homeland.
My mother stepped forward fearlessly and snapped, "You have no right to do this!" Yet, we had no idea that these men at our doorstep were invested with every kind of authority by the law the Emperor had decreed. The soldier extended the order with an insolent manner, saying, "You may read it yourself if you wish."
My mother snatched the paper from the soldier's hand in a rage. She acted as if she were about to read it, but then, within seconds, she tore that scrap of paper into pieces with fury. The soldier was in a moment of shock, blindsided by what had happened. But this brave reaction cost us dearly. Without a shred of mercy, the soldier swung a heavy fist at my mother. When she collapsed to the ground from the force of the blow, her face was in a terrible state; her left cheekbone had shattered then and there. She hadn't fainted, but the poor woman was writhing on the floor in agony from the intense pain in her face.Yes, perhaps I wasn't going to be sent to war just yet, but what about my brother? What about my father? What would become of our family? Once my father was gone, wouldn't my mother be crushed under the weight of all those burdens? Of course, the Emperor's heart wouldn't ache for any of this.
After all, no one from his own family, no one of his own blood, was being sent away. To him, human life held no value; he viewed us merely as objects created to serve him. I already knew he didn't consider us human; to him, we were nothing more than worthless scum.I hate the rulers. Why did they give an entire empire to an arrogant fool like him? I couldn't prevent them from taking my father and brother; and indeed, I didn't. That day, I saw my mother looking so hopeless and restless for the first time. With the pain of being unable to do anything, my perspective on people began to change for the first time.
Days, weeks, months, and years passed, but there was neither a letter nor any news. Actually, on the day the soldiers took my brother and father, both my mother and I already understood that such a moment would come. My mother and I no longer spoke at the table; we would eat our food quickly and get up. We didn't talk much outside of the table either; she would only occasionally ask if I needed anything, that was all. A law, for the sake of an emperor's whim, had shattered our family.
I had promised that I would tear their palaces down on their heads and make them pay many times over for all the pain inflicted on me and my family. I swear I will make them pay. I swear I will turn their paradise in that palace into hell!
When I turned seven, I said that I wanted to go to the capital and work as a servant in the palace. An old man, a half-human wolf mix who was an aide at that time, took me under his wing. Thanks to him, I got a little closer to the revenge I would take. Since I was new at the palace, I didn't understand how things were done in the first few months; even when I did understand, I couldn't get used to how some tasks were performed.As days passed, I became a better worker and provided better service in the palace. Of course, this must have reached the Young Master's ears, as he promoted this humble servant from a mere worker to a servant in the service of the Aide. For weeks, months, and years, I learned a great deal from that aide—from the social dynamics of the palace to its kitchen. Most importantly among what I learned was palace etiquette. Technical details, such as how to never fail in showing respect to "Our Emperor" and how to carry oneself in his presence, were the things that would allow me to maintain a reliable mask to achieve my revenge.
For the sake of my revenge, I did whatever job came my way and tried to learn whatever was available. When exactly five years had passed since I arrived at the palace, I was completing tasks quickly and without error. Now, I was waiting for the Young Master to choose me as his aide. I was constantly rushing about to catch his eye, but he kept ignoring me. This shouldn't have been a problem for me; some of the palace staff were passing away, some were becoming decrepit, and others were leaving the palace because they were tired of working or getting old. Of course, I was personally taking care of those who might block my path. This was proof that I would be promoted in the future and would inevitably reach the position I desired. Sooner or later! SOONER OR LATER, I WAS GOING TO HAVE THAT REVENGE!When I turned eighteen, it happened exactly as I had predicted. The palace workers were rusting day by day, becoming more useless, while I was shining brighter. Indeed, I had developed so much that he could no longer ignore me. In the end, I became the Emperor's right hand—his aide. The old aides were retiring; instead of those "old geezers" who would soon leave the palace, he chose me, Arakawa Tadashi, who was closer to his own age, to be his permanent confidant.
I was now the right hand of the Young Master, our "Emperor," but I didn't have the slightest clue how to proceed from here. I had to be much more careful to move my plan forward; a single mistake could cost me my head. If I wanted to, I could have killed the Emperor right then and there, but I had to act more deviously. I needed a more solid plan. Then, it hit me: to allow the ancient beasts to spread rapidly through imperial lands, I would hunt down the imperial soldiers in the regions or mislead them. Thus, I would bring about the end of the empire.
Afterward, I would draw the heirs of the heroes—the descendants of the great hero—to my side. By doing so, I would both secure myself and ensure that the ancient beasts spread even faster across imperial territories. As time progressed, I would incite the hero heirs I had won over against the Emperor, and by controlling them, I would become the GOD of the new world order—the new world. On one side, the ancient beasts; on the other, the people's hatred for the Emperor and the rebellion of the hero heirs. While trying to deal with all of these, he would slowly be crushed under his throne and watch the collapse of his empire. This was going to be my revenge; it had to be.Of course, saying "I will do all of this" is the easy part. But I dedicated my life to bringing this plan to fruition. I had to do things I never wanted to do. I couldn't take a step back; I was ready to destroy anything that stood in my way or threatened my plan. However, that blond, green-eyed youth I met on the road reminded me, if only for a moment, of my childhood. For a split second, I forgot the revenge I had devoted my life to. It was as if I was looking at myself when I looked at him. I felt regret. Wasn't my revenge supposed to be only against those in the palace? Because of me, perhaps he, too, would lose his family in despair. For the sake of revenge, I was making others experience the very things I never wanted to live through myself.
But I was also aware that there was no turning back. I had already been stained by the mud, fallen into the swamp; it was no longer possible for me to be cleansed. Anyway, after shaking myself off, I came to my senses; I shouldn't have stepped back regardless. My life would find meaning through the Emperor's demise in utter despair. But they took it away from me. This plan, to which I had dedicated my life, vanished in a single day. Those "hero heirs," those bastards I thought I would control, took advantage of a momentary loosening of their leashes and attacked. They raided the palace and killed everyone in their path. I managed to survive thanks to my connection with the heirs; they ignored me, and in fact, they even came to me with joy when they saw me that day. "The day you wanted has finally arrived, Arakawa!" they said. They thought our desires were the same, but they weren't. Only I can take my revenge; no one else can lay a finger on that scoundrel called the Emperor in my place. But what could be done? I couldn't say these things; if I had, they would have split me in two right then and there.My revenge plan had already fallen through anyway. They had slaughtered the Emperor and chained his daughter to the side of the throne with iron shackles, leaving her to die slowly. In such a situation, how could I possibly stay focused on my revenge?
That disgusting man was dead now; after all, the goal was to make him pay for what he had put us through. But in the process, I had turned into a disgusting person myself. I had become corrupted and depraved on the path of vengeance. Seeking revenge had only damaged me in the end. I realized that for something that truly wasn't worth it, I had sacrificed my humanity and my character, harming innocent people in the process.
Perhaps I would never be fully cleansed because of what I had done; I might still remain a despicable human being. But now, at the very least, I had to lead a life that was worth living—a life that held value as a human being. And right now, I realize how glad I am to have met that green-eyed, blond boy. I don't know how, but the bastard managed to awaken the compassion and human emotions within me.