I have a guess, it's not anything crazy. But I have a guess.
Lifting my right arm above me, I start turning it around.
Just moving, just feeling. As I do, I look down at my paper.
Why does moving help me?
Why?
It doesn't make much sense to be honest.
Bloodflow helps, exhausting myself helps, and meditation allows me to tolerate the pain, but that's all.
Why does it help me?
And more curiously, WHY DO I FEEL LESS PAIN TODAY!?
I have no fucking idea.
I have no idea.
Absolutely no idea, but I'm gonna figure it out, someway, someday, somehow.
And I'm going to start now. Because I don't know what else to do with the war looming over us.
I frown, and see paper four beneath the one I'm looking at. There's some theories about my world and the war.
But that's not enough. I need to get more information if possible.
Eh, whatever.
Focus on your body for now.
Following my own advice.
I become monk.
Me monk.
One with monk.
Okay, I know it's weird. But I have an idea, rememeber how I was acting like a monk one day? Well, this was more of a joke than anything.
But...this thought gave me an idea.
I close my eyes.
And wait.
I start my meditation, but this time, I don't try to restrain my body.
I don't want to puke water yet.
Actually, what happened with the whole water puking? Can we talk about this again? I puked water.
Does magic exist in this world? Am I in a weird version of ancient Japan? Or maybe there was magic in the past and it's a secret nowadays.
Tsk. I always knew it was weird our presidents were dumbasses, they probably had magic to counterbalance.
Joking aside.
What the fuck happened?
I puked water, and then I felt better?
Did I puked my disability? Is there water in my body? More than normal? Is that why I'm feeling like I'm going to explode? Is that why I feel like I'm a filled balloon ready to explode?
I snap my eyes open.
Okay.
Quick pause.
Running to my paper, I kneel down, take a pen. Find page five, and scribble a new theory. And a new potential test for me to try.
-wake up, feel out the difference. Still 90% if yes, try to puke again. If no? Puke again and see if it goes back at 90%
Am I planning to torture myself again just to get a lead over my disability?
Yes.
I put my pen down and go back to standing in the middle of the room. One deep breath, eyes closed.
And time to meditate again.
Don't blame me, it's not the first time I hurt myself in the hope of feeling less pain. I'm getting kind of desperate here, to be honest, I was so desperate that I more or less gave up.
But then...this happened.
So..being desperate feels better than giving up.
So let me desperate, even if I try weird shit in the hope of improving.
At least I have hope now.
That's why I'm trying to do this thing
This...thing, this weird...thing
This...
Meditation.
A loooow breath escapes me again. And soon enough, I feel it.
I don't restrain any of my movements, instead, I feel my movements. I feel my movement.
I feel my movement.
I feel my movement.
I need to understand, why is my body moving? Why am I moving? Why am I flowing?
Like water.
Why is my body moving? Is it for bloodflow? Is it for something else?
I try my best to feel every inch of my body, to feel the pain. It's not that hard to feel the pain, but it's pretty hard to figure out what is my unconscious movement doing.
I know it's doing something, proof is, when I stop it. It hurts real fuckin bad.
But what is it doing exactly?
I don't know. And that's what I'm trying to figure out.
It's really hard, I can feel sweat gathering on my brow because of how focused I am. But it's not as hard as what I did yesterday. Yesterday was genuine torture, I forced myself to stay at one 100% and even let the pain climb above this baseline for hours. No, this is hard, this is painful, but not like yesterday.
It's painful because living is painful.
But my movements manage to reduce the pain. So it's not as painful as yesterday
I'm just living like normal.
That's all I'm doing.
That's how I feel.
What's hard is the focus. I can't focus on anything else. My mind becomes blank, no thoughts appearing.
Nothing.
My entire body becomes one.
I feel the pain and let it run over me, as if it didn't affect me.
I feel my intrusive thoughts and they get redirected in the river that is my mind.
I feel the worry, the sweat building up on my brow, the ache building up in my legs because I've been standing for minutes without moving.
I feel it.
But I don't stop.
I focus, on the way my spine curves, on the way my shoulder rolls in it's socket, before pushing a wave of energy through my arm, said arm that moves in a wave motion just after.
I try to get used to it.
I try to understand the movement.
It's a similar process in which I usually find the Nirvana state as I call it.
The moment where pain dissapears from my body, and for small seconds, I feel perfectly normal.
It's a bit similar. Only problem is that I don't reach the stat-!
For less than half a second, barely a blip in existence. As my hips roll, I reach nirvanna.
My body feels perfectly...normal
It feels....
Strong.
And just after this. I continue my meditation, there's no interruption after this, no more nirvanna, the pain comes back. But it doesn't matter.
I saw it.
The path forward.
Again, I saw it.
It's there.
I stop standing.
I take a step forward, keeping my meditation going, a gigantic wave passes through my body, I don't resist, I push and pull with it.
I take another step, and I swagger, the wave passing through my body, making me move like some kind of languid animal.
I slide my feet on the ground. There's no sound, I feel my sole sliding on the ground as if friction didn't exist.
As if I was on ice.
On water.
I don't breath again.
I turn around. My entire body slack and following the unconcious waves of my movements.
For so long I've been trying to resist them.
To destroy them, to do anything but be with them, to trust whatever the fuck my body is trying to do.
And to be honest. I still want to remove them.
But...I've been thinking. Maybe it was a mistake.
But most importantly. I saw it.
And now.
I feel it.
My movements, they are reactions. I can feel it, I feel it, the pain threading through my arm, and I feel it, the way my arms move, following the path of the pain.
I can see it. The pain in my foot, and the way my leg presses against the ground to soothe the pain.
I feel it, the pain in my ribcage, in my torso, in my diaphragm, and I feel it. How I don't breath, how I hold my breath for exactly two seconds before taking a fuuuuuull breath that expends my ribcage and destroy the pain.
I feel it.
It's hard, it's really hard. But I see it, I feel it.
The pain, threading through my body, and my body following it like water.
I've seen it. And now, I felt it.
Yesterday. I saw an old man cut a log faster than what could be physically possible.
Yesterday. I puked tons of water, while the food in my stomach stood still.
Yesterday I've experienced, saw, and felt multiple supernatural phenomenons.
I think it's time for me to admit it.
I'm not in Japan. And if I am, it's a weird fucking version of Japan
A version of Japan where magic exist.
....
Hey...quick question, is what I'm feeling mana? Or whatever equivalent this world has?