Jessica's POV
"Can't even say a hello?"
That was his message.
I stared at the screen, confused.
"What?" I replied.
He answered almost immediately.
"I told you not to give me your full attention… but I didn't tell you to ignore me."
I paused.
What is he trying to say?
His words felt… mixed. Like he didn't want me too close—but also didn't want me to go away.
I typed slowly,
"But your friendship with Adrian is getting ruined because of me. That's why I stopped talking. It's better if I leave… isn't it?"
There was a short pause.
Then he replied,
"No. It's not."
Another message came right after.
"We can talk. And nobody will know."
I read that line again.
And again.
Somehow… it felt like a solution.
Because it was true.
We were all connected—same class, same circle. And his friends had already started talking about me and him in front of Adrian. That's why things were getting messy.
Maybe… keeping it hidden would make things easier.
Safer.
So, I agreed.
And just like that—
We started talking again.
But this time…
In secret.
Days turned into weeks.
Weeks turned into months.
And somewhere in between those hidden conversations… we got closer than ever.
We started sharing everything.
Our secrets.
Our past.
Our fears.
Things we didn't tell anyone else.
It felt different.
Deeper.
Like there was a whole world between us that no one else could see.
And maybe that's what made it more dangerous…
Because the more we talked—
The harder it became to pretend that it was just friendship.
One day, in the middle of one of our late-night conversations, he said something that made my heart pause.
"You're my closest friend. I can share anything with you without thinking… please never leave me."
I read that message again and again.
A soft, warm feeling spread inside my chest—like butterflies I couldn't control.
I matter to him…
For the first time, I felt like I wasn't just someone random in his life.
I was important.
I smiled at my phone and typed back,
"I won't leave you. Don't worry."
And I meant it.
No matter how complicated things were… I didn't want to leave.
Then, slowly, he started opening up more.
About his past.
About her.
His ex.
"She was my first love," he told me. "She was the one who proposed to me… and she's also the one who left."
I stayed quiet, reading every word carefully.
"And you know what's funny?" he added. "Our birthdays were just one day apart."
Something inside me tightened.
I didn't like the feeling.
It was unfamiliar.
Heavy.
Was it… jealousy?
I didn't say anything, but deep down, I felt it.
I didn't want to imagine him loving someone else like that.
I didn't want to picture those memories.
But it didn't stop there.
Neim once told me, casually,
"They were really close, you know. I even saw a picture of them hugging."
That image stayed in my mind longer than I wanted it to.
And for some reason…
It hurt.
More than it should.
Because I started wishing for something I had no right to wish for.
I wanted to see that side of him.
The soft, loving side.
The version of him that once belonged to someone else.
Then one day—
He texted me again.
"I want to tell you the biggest secret of my life."
My heart skipped.
I stared at the screen, suddenly nervous.
What could it be…
"You know why I can't imagine someone without her?"
When he sent that, something inside me felt uneasy.
"Why?" I replied.
There was a pause.
Then—
"I was really close to her. I… I was physically involved with her."
I froze.
My eyes stayed on the screen, but my mind just… stopped.
I read the message again.
And again.
Did he really just say that?
I couldn't believe it.
"Are you serious?" I typed slowly. "It's not a joke, right?"
"No," he replied. "Why would I joke about something like that? Why are you asking like that… have your feelings for me changed now?"
I didn't know what to say.
"No… it's just… I can't believe it," I wrote. "You mean… you two were that close?"
He replied after a moment.
"Yeah… she initiated it. I never even thought about it before. I was scared to even hold her hand… but she wanted it. She wanted to be my first… and that's why I can't forget her."
That line—
I can't forget her.
It hit the hardest.
I just sat there, staring at the chat, feeling something inside me slowly fall apart.
I never imagined him like that.
In my mind, he was different.
And maybe that's why it hurt more than it should.
Because I was different too.
I had always believed in saving myself for someone special… someone who would be mine in that way, just like I would be theirs.
And suddenly, it felt like—
That place in his life was already taken.
No matter what happened now.
"I understand," I finally replied. "Don't worry… you'll get over it."
But that wasn't the truth.
Inside, I was frustrated.
Confused.
Hurt.
How am I supposed to accept this?
That night, everything felt heavy.
All the feelings I had built, all the hope I secretly carried—
It felt like there was no place for it anymore.
Maybe… there was never a chance for me.
My mind was filled with thoughts I couldn't organize.
So many questions.
So many emotions.
None of them had answers.
"I'm really sleepy tonight… we'll talk tomorrow," I texted him.
Even though it was already 3 AM.
And the truth was—
I wasn't sleepy at all.
I had completely messed up my sleep schedule because of him.
I used to sleep before 12.
But now…
Some nights, I stayed up till 6 in the morning.
Just talking to him.
Just… being there.
And that night—
I stayed awake even longer.
But not because I wanted to.
Because I couldn't stop thinking.