It's Friday. Next week will be the last week before the summer holidays.
So I'll be doing my science camp next week. They gave me a sheet with all the details written on it.
My mum helped me quickly pack my things and on Sunday we left.
I'm not alone, a girl who's in Year 11 is coming with me. She's also doing the science camp.
I quickly started to feel sick. My stomach felt like it was in knots. A headache was coming on. I felt nauseous, so I quickly closed my eyes.
This isn't the first time I've felt this way. Every time I have to get in a car or on a train, I feel like this. It's a horrible feeling.
But I quickly found a solution that works: I close my eyes and, strangely enough, every time I manage to fall asleep on cue.
We arrived at our destination very quickly. I took my big suitcase and dragged it behind the person who came to pick us up and the girl, Anasthasia.
We arrived at a campus and there were already people there. We were quickly told to take our picnic and eat in front of our dormitory.
I had the impression that groups had already formed, but since I knew Anasthasia and we had already talked a little on the train, I didn't feel alone.
A girl started talking to us and a group quickly formed. Théo, Alexander, Erwan, Amélia, Anne-Claire, Megan, Anasthasia, Lara, Gabrielle and me. There were ten of us.
We were then taken to a large room and asked to solve the puzzles we were given. That's when I found myself at a loss. I realised that I had to read the sheet carefully, as I hadn't even brought a pen.
I realised my mistake: the teacher had told me about the science camp, but I had forgotten that mathematics could also be considered a science.
So I found myself doing a maths camp without any materials.
Fortunately, my group helped me out a lot throughout the week.
Our schedule for the following days was as follows: in the morning, the first bell would ring to wake everyone up and get ready before the second bell, which meant we all had to meet downstairs.
I shared my room with someone in Year 10, but she wasn't part of my group of friends. Still, we got along well in the room.
I was going to forget, some of them wakes up, takes their shower before the bell rang, since there were two types of people: those who showered at night and those who showered in the morning, or both. I was one of those who showered at night before going to sleep.
I wanted to have more time to sleep and not wake up before the bell rang.
We would then have breakfast before starting new puzzles. The Year 8s and Year 10s were separated into classes according to their level.
In our group, five were in Year 10 and five were in Year 8, including me.
In the afternoon, we had several other activities, but I don't want to dwell on that too much.
The day that changed everything, so to speak, was Thursday. In the morning, we had classes and breakfast as usual, but we had the afternoon off.
I was happy about that because my mother had given me some money.
The day began, but at some point, I suddenly felt the urge to run away.
I never understood where that urge came from. Was I trying to draw attention to myself? Did I subconsciously need to escape? Was I not feeling well? What came over me?
I feel like I can refute each of these questions and the other questions I ask myself. But it amounts to the same thing: I never knew what was wrong.
We entered a large department store that looked like a multi-storey gallery.
I started to gradually separate myself from my group without them noticing and took refuge in a make-up shop.
I didn't care about make-up, but strangely, that day, I was curious to spend all my time looking at every item of make-up in the corner where I was hiding.
They reacted very quickly, calling me, but I played hard to get.
I wanted to forget the way I had gone at that moment, but that wasn't the case.
They found me very quickly and gave me a bit of a scolding.
What I didn't know at the time was that this was the first event in a long series of similar events, as if I never learned my lesson.
The rest went smoothly with ice cream. And I don't think anyone let go of my hand. No matter who was holding me, they didn't let go.
My group had a special quality that made a huge impression on me. It was a very affectionate group. We often said to each other, 'I like you. I really like you.'
We held hands, not all together at the same time, but in groups of two or three, and we hugged a lot.
We were very tactile and vocal about our feelings.
This made me a very affectionate and tactile person, perhaps a little too much so.
I became voracious for affection, seeking something to soothe my soul every second of the day.
So no one let go of me that Thursday.
In the evening, I found myself in Gabrielle and Megan's room. Our group was often there throughout the week.
It was a special evening. I was sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of Gabrielle's bed while she lay on it. Two or three other girls from the group were sitting on Megan's bed about three or four metres away from us, talking amongst themselves.
I think I was the one who started the conversation. I felt bad about how I had behaved on our day off, and about upsetting Gabrielle so much.
Although I had quickly become attached to the other members during the week, my attachment to Gabrielle was different. I didn't want to show it, but I knew I was an open book.
She gave me butterflies in my stomach. She wasn't for some, maybe, the most beautiful girl in the world, but not for me, I found her charming. She was truly magnificent.
I couldn't get enough of her and started teasing her to get her attention.
Unlike the others, I teased her a lot. She was special to me.
On that Thursday evening, she asked me why. I think she knew the answer, but I was confused by her question.
I told her that I didn't know; that I just liked teasing her and didn't necessarily think about my actions.
It was quite dark and I don't remember the whole conversation except for the times when I looked down, feeling embarrassed.
I didn't take my eyes off her and wondered if she felt the same way.
That night seemed ethereal. It was as if we were in our own bubble. Even though I never told her, I think my eyes were really expressive.
I was sure that my eyes spoke volumes, and if I couldn't express myself, I wanted them to do it for me.
I wonder what she could read in my soul.
I sometimes held her hand. We were bathed in the peaceful atmosphere she provided.
The girls next to us noticed this and teased us a little. I was embarrassed, but she smiled.
We quickly said goodnight, after which I returned to my room and fell asleep on the mattress with a smile on my face, as if I had accomplished something.
The next day was the last day, and we had to give our presentations on the puzzles that each group had chosen.
From the morning onwards, we didn't let go. Ella—that's the nickname I gave her, and everyone else called her by her nickname, Gabi—and I didn't let go of each other.
I held her hand as we walked to the exhibition venue, sat with her, and held her hand on the way back.
She never rejected me. To this day, I sometimes wonder why she didn't reject me. My ego and my memory aren't good enough to tell me that maybe there was a possibility between us. It will always be a mystery to me.
I wanted to keep in touch with her, but she didn't have a phone like the other members of the group.
So I lost touch with her. But now I think it's better that way.
Otherwise, I would only be hurting myself.
Several months later, when I returned to the city before our last move, I ran into the girl I gave my "first kiss" to and her family, and I couldn't control myself like a fucking animal in heat. I hate that side of myself so much. It's a repulsive and disgusting side. A side of darkness that I despise to the highest degree.
But what's done is done. I would like to apologise for my stupid behaviour and I will apologise one day, if possible before I die.
I don't want to go into too much detail, but I wanted to mention is that I sometimes dream about Ella. In these dreams, I always run away from her, but she always finds me. They're not nightmares; they're just dreams.
Could it be a sign that we'll get back together? I don't know.
I don't necessarily want to see her again though, because I'm such a coward.
I'm also completely disloyal at the moment, so luckily she doesn't have my phone number.
Several years later,
During my first year at university, I returned to the campus where I did my science camp.
At first, I didn't realise because I was in the biology and chemistry departments, not the maths department. However, I often saw chairs in one of the campus courtyards that looked very similar to those in my memories.
But I had my doubts because I don't have a very good memory. One day, on my way to the library, I found the exact spot where my friends and I had taken a photo of us sitting together on chairs.
My science camp had indeed taken place on this campus.
It may seem strange, but it didn't to me. I knew the camp had taken place in this city. I also found the gallery where I had hidden.
However, I wasn't sure about the campus because my memory was failing me.
I was overwhelmed by an even stronger feeling of nostalgia. I felt disoriented.
I changed courses later, but I was still part of the same academy, so the website for all the schools in that academy is the same, except for the location and our contacts, which I think are stored on a server.
Consequently, I often receive messages about reunions for people who did the internship.
Today is my third year here and, for the third year in a row, I don't want to go to the reunion.
I feel that I haven't achieved anything that would make me want to go — maybe later, but not for now. I'm not yet satisfied with the person I've become.
As I said, I sometimes dream about Gabrielle. However, I don't want to see her again right now because I'm too pathetic.
So, this is a time capsule for my future self.
Only God knows what lesson I will learn from it later.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
If god give me the chance, I will not run away, not even in my dreams.
I think I'm ready to meet her someday.