Europe / Austria (Vienna): August 1st, 1975.
My eyes shot open Immediately from smelling a stench that I was all to familiar with, which was sex and said stutteringly while rubbing my forehead to let my eyes adjust to the lighting "Ugh....w....wha...what happened."
"What the fuck, wasn't I running from the police" I thought while waking up fully and suddenly looked to my left and saw a slim chocolate skinned woman.
I sighed and leaned up against the head board of the king sized bed while feeling something heavy and slimy pressing against my little brother and looked down and seen a naked biracial woman asleep with her face planted straight into my crotch area with drool coming out of her mouth.
"Ok, what the hell is going on" I thought with a look of complete shock and confusion on my face as I looked around at a the very luxerious bedroom and seeing five naked women asleep in the center of the king sized bed.
Suddenly. while I was distracted, memories started flashing through my mind and fusing in harmony with my own which made me grit my teeth and rub my head from the strong headache.
"So I died from bird shit and reincarnated into the body of a 20 year old biracial archduke named amenadiel elias von habsburg-guinness-windsor in the year of 1975" I thought sourly while leaning my head against the head board of the bed, only for a beautiful petite white woman to put her head on my chest and wrap her arms and legs around me, using me as a body pillow.
I stared down at the beautiful small petite white woman for a moment who was now laying on top of me and chuckled while thinking "But how did the former owner bag all these wom…oh, nevermind, what a stupid thing for me to even be thinking, since I'm now a very wealthy archduke"
I closed my eyes and started looking through the new set of memories of the former owner and found out that he is actually the archduke of austria and has some dealings in the underworld and is in debt of 155,500,789,853 to the united sates for reconstruction in 1920 and that debt only snowballed when oil-crisis inflation and political corruption hit and let's not forget that the former owner was also a druggie. Indeed my fellow brethren's.That he was, he had a thing for partying, cocaine and heroin and the reason he's even in bed with all these women in the first place Is because they were druggies to, so he was basically fucking them while getting high with them and also slept around with women of all types even married ones, nerds, tomboy type, gangster type, rich type, you name it and he did it.
I sighed and moved the petite white woman off of me because as much as I do enjoy a small petite woman, I have more important things to worry about right now, which is my current situation.
I got up from the bed while looking back at it and saw a lot of gooey white and powdery stuff on it and chuckled a little while going towards a mirror and making sure not to step on the other five women asleep on the floor that was also wet from the former owner's debauchery.
I arrived in front of a huge body mirror that was likely customized and and saw a ugly fat ass, naked chocolate skinned 7'11 man with bow legs, a chubby double chinned shaped bearded face, Ice blue eyes, long messy jet black hair and a oversized body that had absolutely no sort of body hair on it anywhere else except for the core areas like the chin, head, armpits, eyebrows, eyelashes and pubic area.
While I was to busy checking myself out in the mirror like any man in my situation would, my eyes suddenly darted down too my two new little amenadiel's, indeed I said two and they were standing with pride and were very veiny thick and long 18 Inch circumcised slightly c-curved, leftward with a upward tilt penises with a little bit of pubic bush and very big and heavy saggy balls which made my face turn very sour instantly and thought "How did these woman take these, they must have loose pussies or something but what is really irking my nerves right now is that the former owner is a full package of what all men want to be, which is to be good looking with a big dick, I'll not say two since some men would prefer to just stick with what they already which is one dick which I would in a situation like right now, but anyway and of course have alot of money and…the former owner is 20 years old which means he was wasting his fucking life away with the type of life he was living, and yes I can see the potential underneath all this fat"
"Are you fucking serious right now, how did I miss this important piece of information while going through the former owners memories." I said with creased eyebrows and a deadpan look on my face.
I sighed and suddenly looked down at a plain looking asian woman that was asleep on the floor by my foot with alot of gooey white stuff on her face which was obviously cum and thought "The former owner sure had high sex drive"
"Anyways, do I have a status screen." I said while stroking my bearded chin and closing my eyes, internally willing for information on myself to appear.
[DING!]
[STATUS]
[Name: Amenadiel Elias von Habsburg-Guinness-Windsor]
[Gender: Male]
[Age: 20]
[Health: [Superimposed (Dorsoventral) Diphalia], [Hyperspermia], [Polyorchidism], [Hypergonadism], [Chimerism]
[Titles: [Archduke of Austria (Habsburg-Guinness-Windsor Line)], [Amenadiel The Stupid]
[Perks: [Hyperthymesia], [Perfect Body], [Insight]
[Skills: [Etiquette: Elementary], [Intrigue: Elementary], [Management: Elementary], [Negotiation: Master], [Horsemanship: Master], [Multilingual: Master], [Sex: Master], [Leadership: Elementary], [Pianist: Master], [Dancing: Master]
[Storage: None]
"Ngh…y…your highness, should we continue from where we left off last night." Asked a mature woman's voice from out of nowhere, stutteringly and groggily.
I immediately looked away from my status and in the direction of where the voice was coming from and saw a gorgeous mature rather tall, slim down latina woman laying on the king sized bed and said plain and simply "No, you can leave."
"Huh." Said the mature woman confusedly, most likely not registering what the fuck I just said.
"I wonder if my insight perk allows me see information on other people" I thought with a smirk while still stroking my bearded chin and focusing intently on the mature latina woman with my intention being very much evident.
[DING!]
[STATUS]
[Name: Elizabeth Mary Goodall]
[Gender: Female]
[Age: 59]
[Health: Menopause]
[Titles: [Austria's Prostitute], [Madame Mary], [The Goodall Slut], [Madame of The red Salon]
[Skills: [Erogenous zone: Anus], [Acting: Advanced], [Manipulation: Advanced], [Sex: Grandmaster], [Management: Advanced], [Networking: Advanced], [Adaptability: Intermediate], [Provocation: Master]
[Traits: [Goldigger], [Manipulative], [Greedy], [Scat Lover], [Loyal to No One], [The Failure]
"Huh…what the hell, scat lover" I thought with a very disgusted look on my face as I read over elizabeth's status screen and trust me, no one in my entire new life will ever help me understand how people find pleasure from getting shitted on and that doesn't mean that I don't like anal so don't misinterpret what I'm saying, there's just a limit to what me and my fellow brethren who understand me will do to pleasure a woman.
I glanced down at my little brother and saw that they had gone soft on me and believe me, we all know why.
I looked down at the five women on the floor and then at other five on the bed and thought with creased eyebrows and a serious look on my face "That makes a total of ten so should I call my new butler alfred to bring in a stretcher to toss them out of my castle…hahaha look at you daniel, a former hitman already adapting to your new role as a archduke, you weren't a master of your craft for nothing, then again I shouldn't have been impulsive and taken my situation more seriously since I wouldn't have ended up in a family with generations of incest and multiple deformities and health issues in the first place and let's not forget the debt"
"All ten in total in this room and not a real thicc one in sight who looks like she can cook. God really reincarnated me into a rich deformed noble body, but toyed with my tastes." I said under my breath with a sigh while glancing up at the the very high ceiling with a massive diamond filled chandelier on it that despite the new absurdity of my height, my head was nowhere near to touching it.
Elizabeth's face contorted and said loudly with anger "EXCUSE ME."
"Keep it down woman, your voice is ugly and it's making my head hurt." I said with a groan while rubbing my forehead with my right hand and waving my left one for her to see herself out.
Elizabeth's face was so angry to the point that veins seemed to appear on her forehead and said at the top of her lungs "JUST BECAUSE YOUR A ARCHDUKE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN OPENLY DISRE…"
*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
"Your highness, is everything alright in there." Asked a calming voice from outside the room.
"No alfred you actually came just in time, I need you to bring a broom, mop, garbage bags, and some cleaning supplies and don't forget the stretcher, it's time to get rid of gold diggers." I said calmly while looking around for a robe and saw multiple doors and went over to one and opened it and seen basically a library full of clothes, jewelry, shoes and anything else you can imagine, lined up in perfect order inside of it.
"Yes your highness, I will be back at once." Said alfred from outside the room, his footsteps fading hurriedly.
"Y…you damn bastard, what do you take me for." Asked elizabeth stutteringly with gritted teeth and sweat dripping down her face from her forehead.
I grabbed a gold and black robe and put it on while walking back out of the closet and looking her straight into her eyes and saying ever so calmly "A woman who's expiration date has come and needs to find herself a proper job to settle down with instead of leeching off of someone else's money, also I'm a man who finds big full bodied women attractive, the type that can cook and put you to sleep and you definitely don't fit the standards."
"Y…y...y…you" Said elizabeth stutteringly, not being able to get any of her words out as she shakingly got up from the bed while the other women in the room were still sound asleep or more like fucked up from the drugs, which I find very strange and I'll clarify why a little later.
*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
"Your highness, I've brought everything you've asked for, along with some guards." Said alfred calmly from outside the room.
"Come in." I said while sitting down in a luxerious chair by the fire place and picking up a big glass bottle of whiskey for me to at least have something strong enough to give me a big reality check. I don't feel like I'm alive at all.
*BOOOM*
I glanced at the door and saw a old white bald man about 6'5 in height with light hazel eyes and a ripped muscular physique for his age that his butler attire couldn't hide, leading a team of 10 bulky men in suits and 2 maids into the room with cleaning supplies and stretchers and said while taking a sip of the whiskey "Throw them onto the streets with their clothes and also pay elizabeth a penny for her and the girls services."
Suddenly the men in suits started going over to the girls, some doing their job, others getting a little to handsy for their own good.
"CHOP, CHOP DIPSHITS IF YOU WANT YOUR CHECK TO LOOK AS GOOD AS YOUR FUTURE." Said alfred loudly at the top of his lung while going over to the shocked elizabeth and yanking her off of the bed and onto the stretcher.
"G…GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME YOU OLD ROACH, AMENADIEL PLEASE HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME." Said elizabeth screaming desperately at the top of her lungs as the guards started dragging the women out of the room, elizabeth being one of them.
"Finally some peace and quiet." I said with a loud relieved sigh while chugging down the rest of the whiskey from thr bottle and sitting it back onto the table next to me, my eyes wandering back to my status screen that I never dismissed.
[STATUS]
[Name: Amenadiel Elias von Habsburg-Guinness-Windsor]
[Gender: Male]
[Age: 20]
[Health: [Superimposed (Dorsoventral) Diphalia], [Hyperspermia], [Polyorchidism], [Hypergonadism], [Chimerism]
[Titles: [Archduke of Austria (Habsburg-Guinness-Windsor Line)], [Amenadiel The Stupid]
[Perks: [Hyperthymesia], [Perfect Body], [Insight]
[Skills: [Etiquette: Elementary], [Intrigue: Elementary], [Management: Elementary], [Negotiation: Master], [Horsemanship: Master], [Multilingual: Master], [Sex: Master], [Leadership: Elementary], [Pianist: Master], [Dancing: Master]
[Storage: None]
I stroked my double bearded chin while looking over my status screen and clicked on diphalia on my health while saying with a sigh "Ok now let's see what the hell these health conditions are about."
[DING!]
[Superimposed Diphallia: Superimposed diphallia or dorsoventral diphallia is a extremely rare subtype of diphallia as a whole that affects approximately 1 in 5 to 6 million live births, and the dorsoventral presentation is even more infrequent where the two penises are located one on top of the other (dorsoventral), rather than side-by-side. This condition is extremely uncommon and typically presents with a range of other congenital anomalies and the extent of the duplication can vary, from partial fusion to complete, and can include both external and internal structures. For example, one case report describes a partial ventral duplication associated with hypospadias (a displacement of the urethral opening), but in simple biological terms your a man with a non-harmful health condition, but with two complete functioning penises]
"Tch…not even suprised by this one, I'm in a family with generations of incest so what do you expect the outcome to be, hell I'm at least glad I don't have the habsburg jaw." I said mutteringly with another sigh while clicking on polyorchidism since I already know what hyperspermia is, I had it in my previous life and was lucky to even have children with it despite the woman birthing my child being the one type I never expected her to be.
[DING!]
[Polyorchidism: Polyorchidism is a rare congenital anomaly where a person has more than two testicles, with the most common form being triorchidism. It can be asymptomatic but is often diagnosed incidentally during an ultrasound for other scrotal issues. Associated conditions include cryptorchidism (undescended testes) and inguinal hernias, and there is an increased risk of malignancy and testicular torsion, especially if the extra testicle is undescended. Diagnosis is typically made with ultrasound, and management ranges from conservative surveillance for uncomplicated cases to surgical intervention for associated complications but in simple biological terms your a man with a non-harmful health condition, but four complete functioning testicles]
The room was silent for a moment.
I opened my robe a little while moving my juniors out of the way and saw exactly just as the the status screen explained and also why it felt a little heavy down there. Four testicals or as I like to call them in my previous life, my baby holders.
"At this point my whole existence is now an anomaly" I thought with a sigh while clicking chimerism and yes I skipped hypergonadism since I already know what it is and if you don't know what it is, a piece of advice from me is that you'd find that google was actually your longest friend that you didn't notice until now unlike your human ones.
[DING!]
[Chimerism: Chimerism is a rare genetic condition where a person has cells from two different sets of DNA. It can occur naturally when two fertilized eggs fuse, or through a blood or organ transplant. Some people have no noticeable symptoms and may never know they are chimeras, while others may show physical signs like two different-colored eyes or skin with patches of different pigmentation but in simple biological terms your a man with a non-harmful health condition and two fathers]
"Huh…wait, what the hell." I said with a what the fuck look on my face at what I'm reading on the status screen, obviously not registering what I am reading since I can only process it as pure utter bullcrap from what I've been reading so far about this conditions and I feel like the only reason I'm not dropping dead at this moment is because of my perfect body perk which seems like the only smart thing I chose before I woke up in this shithole of a family and world.
I leaned my head back against the chair while closing my eyes for a moment to calm myself down, only to suddenly open them again and say while clicking on hyperspermia on my status screen "Well…at this point I might as well look at all the conditions since there might be something I haven't discovered yet, though something is telling me that I should look at them because I might end up regretting it later on if I don't."
[DING!]
[Hyperspermia: Hyperspermia is a rare condition characterized by an abnormally large volume of semen, typically defined as more than 5.5 mL per ejaculation. While not always harmful, it can lead to fertility challenges due to the dilution of sperm. Possible causes include hormonal imbalances, prostate conditions, and even extended abstinence, while some symptoms may include painful ejaculation, dizziness, or swollen testicles. Treatment is typically focused on addressing the underlying cause, and a healthcare provider can offer a proper diagnosis and management plan but in simple biological terms your a man with a non-harmful health condition and a 5.000.0 ml semen volume]
"Tch…not even surprised." I said clicking my teeth and turning my attention to my final and last medical condition that I'm already familiar with. Of course though I still have to reveal for plot purposes.
[DING!]
[Hypergonadism: Hypergonadism is a condition where the gonads produce excessive sex hormones. It can lead to symptoms like premature puberty, mood swings, and acne. Causes are not always clear and can include pituitary or gonadal tumors, injuries to the glands, or the use of anabolic steroids.Treatment focuses on removing tumors and using hormones to suppress the overactive gonads but in simple biological terms your a man with a non-harmful health condition and a 5,033.0 ml semen volume from your perfect body perk that's keeping you alive and this condition that caused your hyperspermia condition]
I sighed very loudly while grabbing the whisky bottle, only to discover and remember that it was empty and clicked my teeth again while sitting it back down and looking back at my status screen again and saying "Tch…I'm not even surprised anymore, I'm a biological oddity powered by plot armor and designed by a perverted rob."
"I feel like I'm going to live a reincarnation crackfic life and it honestly doesn't sound bad since I don't need to work by the former owner getting payed rent from the citizens and taxes from government " I thought with a sudden serious look on my face as I stroked my double bearded chin.
Suddenly I froze, the room went absolutely silent with only the sound of my breathing being heard within it at this very moment.
"This whole situation is suspicious, to be exact this whole situation of me waking up inside a kingpin palace in the body of a man who was a buy-one-get-one-free baby is fucking ridiculous in itself, yet the question remains, why was he so drugged up, why the fuck is my breath kicking at this very moment, why is 3 years of the former owners memory hazy" I thought while tapping my finger on the armrest part of the chair with a dangerous look in my eyes.
"This won't do, this whole situation stinks of conspiracy and the only entity I can think of in a situation like this is the government." I said muttering while grabbing the bell from the table next to me and ringing it.
*DING* *DING* *DING*
*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
"Your highness, I'm here." Said alfred's calm voice from outside the room.
"Come in." I said immediately while resting my face in the palm of my left hand, watching alfred come into the room.
"You called for me your highness." Asked alfred calmly with his arms behind his back, military style.
I stared at him intently for a moment, intending to see what I'm working with on his status screen.
[DING!]
[STATUS]
[Name: Alfred Benjamin Astor]
[Gender: Male]
[Age: 75]
[Health: Healthy]
[Titles: [Head Butler of House Habsburg-Guinness-Windsor], [The Scourge], [Mr Perfectionist], [Mr Alfred], [Ex Special Force Captian], [The Eternal Bachelor]
[Skills: [Boxing: Grandmaster], [Karate: Master], [Judo: Master], [Jiu jitsu: Grandmaster], [Acting: Master], [[Manipulation: Master], [Sex: Elementary], [Management: Grandmaster], , [Adaptability: Master], [Housekeeping: Grandmaster], [Etiquette: Grandmaster], [Negotiation: Master], [Spearmanship: Master], [Swordsmanship: Master], [Horsemanship: Master], [Daggership: Master], [Multilingual: Master]
[Traits: [Prodigal Combatant], [Loyal to House Habsburg-Guinness-Windsor], [Perfectionist], [Encyclopedia], [Forged by Battle], [Stoic], [Asexual], [Bachelor], [Cat Lover], [Iron Will], [Shadow Strategist]
"So he's ex special forces" I thought while reading over the status screen and glancing back at alfred.
"You called for me your highness." Asked alfred calmly again with his arms still behind his back, military style.
"Yes, yes I did, I want you to tell the lord chancellor of the archducal office to freeze the government. Block them. Close every door. Cut their budget. Stop their movement.
Freeze the entire government's ability to function inside my territory." I said calmly while reaching for the whiskey bottle, only to remember and discover again that it was empty and switched to the lined up cigars on a tray, on the table next to me and picked one up and put it right into my mouth.
Alfred swiftly pulled out a lighter from his tuxedo jacket and lit it while saying calmly "As you wish your highness, but might I advise you to run a investigation on the government as well."
"Yes do that as well, also how much money is in my bank account." I asked calmly while inhaling and exhaling the cigar, honestly having a rough estimate in my mind on how much I have in my new account which should be roughly over 100 to 200 billion.
Alfred put the lighter back into his tuxedo jacket and said calmly with his arms going back into military style behind his back "You have 5,832,769,728 in your bank account your highness."
"So I was ri…huh, what the fuck did you just say." I said with a ugly what the fuck look on my face.
"I said that you have 5,832,769,728 in your bank account your highness." Said alfred calmly repeating himself again, his arms still behind his back in military style.
I sighed loudly while putting the cigar back into my mouth and inhaled and exhaled it while looking back at alfred and saying "God…now I'm broke compared to some hidden and public billionaires, anyways do you know why I can't remember 3 years of my life."
"Yes your highness, they drugged you so that they can use austria without your approval and also your money for the funding of their current and future projects, this is also why your father became the chancellor to protect the family but was taken out because of it, may he rest in peace." Said alfred calmly without a ounce of emotion behind his words.
I snickered and asked with cold eyes "Yet you didn't think to try and help me."
"Not at all your highness, I wasn't ordered to help you." Said alfred calmly, the calm look on his face not changing or moving a inch in the slightest.
"Good to know, now carry out my orders, your dismissed." I said with a sigh while setting down the cigar on the ash trash that was on the table next to me.
Alfred bowed and asked calmly "Yes your highness, should I bring you anything to eat or have a housekeeper prepare you a bath."
"Yes, also call for my dentist because my breath smells like ass and I need to make sure that I don't have STDs, and if the government refuses to follow my orders the archducal office is permitted to use force." I said calmly while looking at a huge painting of the egg built former owner on the wall sitting cross legged between two beautiful white women one being a tall beautiful mature woman with long platinum blonde hair, blue grayish eyes, a square shaped face and about 5'10 in height with a slim figure, the other one being of a beautiful young woman with long blonde hair, dark brown eyes, a diamond shaped face and about 5'11 in height with a evened out voluptuous figure.
"Yes your highness." Said alfred while bowing once again and taking his leave from the room.
I watched as alfred left and after he left the room I looked back at the painting and said with a snicker while picking up the cigar again and inhaling it "Great, now I have to deal with a pent up stepmother, crackhead half sister, a dinka tribe model mother, one dead father, a mysterious father and a missing mysterious half brother, my life couldn't be any more entertaining, just how much more fun could it get and what could possibly also be added to my sarcastic list of wonders."
…
THE END…