CHAPTER 13
Eric's eyes flew open, gasping for air, he was looking up at the ceiling, his arm reached out.
"Eric, are you alright?"
His eyes glanced to his side, it was Arop, standing with bags full of supplies.
Eric nodded as he sat up, rubbing his face.
"Do you normally scream in your dreams?" Arop asked.
"N, no… was it loud."
"Yes it was… Very loud."
Eric sighed.
"Where did you find those supplies?" He asked, gesturing to the bags of supplies.
"I managed to break into a storage room while you were sleeping… Here."
Arop knelt down and began searching in the bags of supplies, until he pulled out a white towel and tossed it to Eric.
"Take it. You're sweaty."
Eric touched his face and his shirt and indeed he was sweaty.
He began to dry himself with the towel, as Arop sat beside him on the bench.
It's white cool fabric brushed across his face, calming him.
"Let's just relax a bit, you need it."
Eric sighed, resting his arms on his knees.
The cold air in the mall vanished, leaving Eric to deal with his restless heat, plaguing his body. Even though the coldness was non existent to him, he still shivered. His body was unfamiliar with the trauma, but his mind wasn't. He could still feel the undead mawing away his body. Tearing away at his flesh with a unsettling look of joy on their face. But he couldn't bring himself to hate or be afraid of them. Instead what he felt was pity, and the effects of sympathy and empathy towards them. Images of the people he saw flashed in his mind, from the dancing children to the sufferers. Even though he escaped the nightmare, Eric could still feel them, their weight immense, as they clung to his heart, squeezing it. He gasped for air. Arop looked over at him, concerned, but Eric manage to stabalize his breathing.
There is one thing Eric failed to understand, and that was why is this all happening to him. What great sin had he committed to cause people he doesn't even know, come to haunt him in his dreams. Why, why, why, why, he asked himself, but he was left without a answer. Then the question shifted from why is this happening to me to why can't I do anything. Eric was hit with a realization. Everytime he tried to be the person he always wanted to be, there was always a non physical force preventing him from even taking the first step. It's as if everytime he walks he is in the same spot, and everytime he runs forward towards his ideal, there is a unbreakable wall pushing him back towards where he started. And no matter how hard he tries to resist, no matter how much he tries to push forward, the unbreakable wall refuse to be broken through. And as he finally grew tired of trying to push forward, the wall would still push him back until he has no control of where he is even going or what is happening around him. Like a small fish being pulled and pushed by a raging current, unsure of it's fate.
As he sat on the bench, trapped in his sea of thoughts, there were 2 that stood out to him. Can I really go against tide of the thing called destiny? Can I really break through the wall and go as far as I want to go? He asked himself these questions over and over again. He didn't give himself a answer. Because that answer will end everything for him, nothing would be the same again. No matter what, he cannot embrace Arops ideology, he cannot stop striving forward, because if he stops believing in his ideal, even once, he will die. He has to keep struggling, he doesn't get to dictate his luck, because at the end of the day he is a struggler, a ordinary that is a part of a far greater narrative. And so he made a promise to himself, no more complaining, even if it hurts, even if he might die pursuing, he will just come back over and over and over again no matter what, until his dream could finally be fulfilled.
Eric looked over at Arop and he seemed to be lost in thought, as he steered up at the ceiling window. He was completely still, as if he was just as lost in his mind as Eric was. Then he muttered, "It's almost time."
Almost time for what, Eric wondered. Suddenly, Arop came back to reality, turning to face Eric.
"You feeling better?"
"A little."
Eric tried to extend his legs, but they trembled violently. Mustering all of his strength he attempted to stand up, only to feel a tight grip on his shoulder pulling him back down.
"Where are you going? Sit."
"I'm fine. We can't be here for too long." Eric said, still trying to get up.
"Are you dumb? You're not gonna get far."
Eric glanced at Arop, only to see a annoyed expression on his face. Averting his eyes he got up and shakily walked away. His legs were like 2 unstable structure, ready to give away at anytime. Arop's previous question rung in his mind, are you dumb. Maybe I am. But I don't want to accept my own weakness anymore. If I stop and and stop and stop again, when will I ever surpass the me now, he thought. Eric looked back at Arop and he was getting ready to follow him. Feeling the need to prove Arop wrong he began to walk faster. His wobbly legs were still wobbling along, but Eric just ignored them and stared straight ahead. He didn't know where he was going, but he trusted himself to figure it out. Feeling emboldened Eric began to run. As soon as he took his fourth step his legs gave out and he crashed to the ground. As if out of nowhere, Arop appeared by his side, putting his arm over his neck and helping him up.
"You know Eric, I found out something new about you. You are stubborn." Arop said, his annoyed expression disappearing like a phantom, replaced by a humoured smile.
Eric did not respond, too embarrassed and frustrated to. He clenched his teeth.
They sat back on the bench, stearing at a dusty painting across from them. The panting was of a lush green mountain full of tress and tall grass overlooking the vast blue sea of a unknown land. But Eric was too distracted by his own failure to focus on the greatness of the artwork. He steared down at his trembling legs and thought, I failed again. Then a vast blackness spread througth his mind. Eric could not think or feel anything, it was as if he time had completely stopped in his mind, leaving him wallowing in his own failure.
"Have you ever seen the sea before?"
Eric turned to Arop with a blank expression.
"Yes." He responded.
"How did the sand and the sea feel ? Is it really salty?"
Eric recalled the memory of him and his cousins playing in the sand and building sand castles. He remembered floating in the water, as tiny waves pushed and pulled his body. All he could hear was the soothing hymns of the sea as he steered up at the vast bright blue sky, putting him at peace. Those were the days when he was not burdened by the weight of his ideals. A life of pure bliss, not knowing anything and just being one with life's peace.
"The sand was soft, softer than mud, and the sea water was cool and yes it really is salty."
There was a brief pause before Eric added.
"Have you never seen the sea before."
Arop shook his head.
"No, not really. I only saw the sea in movies and videos I never seen it with my own eyes before."
"How come. Don't you travel."
"No. My whole life I have lived in Bentiu. Anything I know or seen from the outside world I saw from movies, videos, and textbooks."
"Really." He asked, shocked.
Arop nodded.
Eric imagined himself in Arop's place, a life of fear, a life of trauma, and a life of captivity. Breath escaped his lungs as he desperately smashed his face on the bars of his sell, his heart beat widely, trying desperately to reach out and somehow by some miracle slip past those bars and be free. But no matter how much he wished to be free, he could only wish. Because he knows his destiny is to. Eric immediately pulled himself from his mind, he didn't have the gal to face it. He turned to Arop and asked.
"Don't you want to see the sea with your own eyes."
"Yes, of cou."
"Then stop believing in your foolishness. You can be free, you can be free Arop. You can go wherever you want to go and do whatever you want to do. You can travel and play soccer, you if your good enough you can even play for the country, if you don't want to do that you can go to a bigger city or another country and get a education and make money, and have as many women as you want Arop. You have the ability to be free. You can be free. Because you're alive, your human, your heart is beating, and because of that you are free, you were free from the moment you became a living being. Why are you taking your god given freedom and throwing it away for your bullshit philosophy. You said you want to see the ocean, that means you want to be free, all you have to do is abandon your philosophy, that's all that you really need to do Arop. If you do you can fall in love with lady nature again."
Arop chuckled, smiling at Eric.
"Lady what."
Eric looked down at his hands and he realised he was gripping Arop by the collar and holding him on the edge of the bench. Eric slowly let go of him, his hands shaking.
"Lady Nature is that the name of your goddess." He said, grinning at Eric.
"You're dodging the question. Why won't you live?"
Arop paused, exhaling."
"I can't. I told you half lie. Once upon a time in a different timeline. I honestly believed in the revolution, and in another I didn't and I valued my siblings above anything else, in another timeline I tried another route, escaping with them and trying to find a better life, but tragedy always struck, and timeline after timeline I was stuck trying to escape the agent of a Lady Destiny, until I finally give in and do what she wants me to do."
Eric could feel the rage bruing inside of him. He was tired of Arops nonsense. To him this was Arop's way of deflecting him efforts and trying to consume him with his own philosophy.
"Stop telling me your parables, and just listen to me."
"They won't just be parables if you just listen."
Eric went quiet.
"Have you ever heard the quote, everyone is a slave to something?"
He looked over at Eric, but he did not respond.
"Of course you have. Then this should be easier for you to understand… Eric do you love anything or anyone, are you loyal to anyone or anything, so loyal that you would do absolutely anything to gain it. Most people are charmed and swear there loyalty to something that brings them happiness. Like a lover, money, and even a leader they see as god, a leader that is impossible to fail in his endeavours and always chases his dream, as a result his men idealise him, women flock towards him, having being charmed by his qualities that makes him him. You see Eric, the thing that drives those people to serve something is because of love and lust, those are the 2 main concepts that ties a person to something. And those are the things that enslaves people. But of course there are other concepts that enslaves people such as greed, gluttony, wrath and pride. Pride is the concept that comes with the most freedom, but the pain that comes with it is enormous. I learnt this first hand.
….Listen Eric all of these concepts are her agents, her puppets she uses to bend humanity to her will. And even if you abandon everything that makes you human, even if you through away your attachments to this world, it's all a part of lady destiny's story. Me, you, my sister and Akeer and everybody else is just a character in a story, trying to do our bests to follow the goddess's will. Do you understand now. There is nothing me and you can do to set us free."
Eric grit his teeth and clenched his fists and said.
"There is no Lady Destiny."
"Still in denial, well you will find out for yourself soon enough."
"Arop, if your trying to say that i'm weak and I can't hope to prove you wrong, you're right. I know my weaknesses better than anyone elses. But despite all of that I can't help, but dream, dreaming of a future where i'm not, dreaming of a future where I made a world where I and and my love ones can be happy in. I dream of the future me, a person armoured by his values and philosophy, running past his adversities and shatters the thing you call destiny again and again. That is the person I aspire to be one day, because I can not think of a worse life than living a absolutely meaningless one."
Silence quickly filled the space between them as Eric stared down on his still clenched hand.
"I too, once dreamed of being that person." Arop said, breaking the silence.
Eric looked at Arop, before averting his gaze back to his clenched fist.