She looks at me with worried eyes, "What's wrong?" She ask again.
I sigh while still covering my body. "Do you not find me attractive anymore?" I ask.
She shakes her head, clearly taken aback by my question. "Of course I do. Why do you think I don't?" She ask right away.
"You don't look at me. When I take off my shirt, you don't seem to react or try to take a peek. I know I was already gaining weight when we met in person so maybe you don't find my body attractive at all" I say tightening my hold on the blanket against my body.
"Love, that doesn't mean I don't find you attractive. You have an amazing body, trust me. I think about it a lot. I don't look when you take off your shirt because the only time you take off your shirt and I'm around is when you're having your time with Ervin so I was giving you your privacy" she explains while speaking softly.
"Then how come you don't try to make a move on me?" I ask, loosening up my grip on the blanket."Because you just gave birth. I don't know how that really affects your body or how much recovery time you need or if you're allowed to do sexual activities. I'm very ignorant to those things so I'm trying to give you time to recover from that and Eva sleeps with us. It would be weird for me to make a move when Eva is around" she softly chuckles.
She's right. Eva does sleep with us most nights. "Does that bother you? Eva sleeping with us?" I ask. I suddenly feel bad because maybe I'm not fulfilling her needs because we rarely sleep alone together. Eva is always with us.
"No" she answers but I'm comfortable now and I'm not trying to cover myself up anymore. I see her eyes look down but I don't think she means it. She's probably just looking because I mentioned it.
"When you were in Michigan and I'm here, what do you do when you feel like you want it?" I ask, implying sex.
"Nothing. I don't really have urges unless you're around. I'm not the type to suddenly have urges" she tells me.
"So you never have the need to have sex? Not even with me?" I furrow mybrows at her.
"When I'm with you I do but not when we're far away from each other. I have to control myself a lot with you, Yeji. You're so fucking sexy, especially when you get out of the shower with your hair still a bit wet" I try to contain my smile because I didn't want to give in right away. I like how she has a specific moment where she finds me sexy the most but I'm not sure if I completely believe her that nothing is happening when we're apart.
"I don't know if I believe that you're not doing anything in Michigan. So many girls around you. You can easily find anyone to please you" I say quietly and look down.
"Love, look at me" she says so I do, "Are you doing something with other people here?" She ask.
"No. Why would you ask that?" I say, offended.
"Then why are you asking that I'm doing that back home? I've mentioned to you before that I can live without sex. I mean it. What's the point of having sex with someone I don't have feelings for? Why would I ruin our relationship like that? Ilove you so fucking much Yeji. So much that sometimes it hurts" she puts both hands on my cheeks and I automatically lean into her touch.
"You're my one and only love. You're the only one I want to make love with. You're the only one I want in my arms. You're the only one I want by my side. You're the only one my heart beats for" she continues and I start crying. Damn hormones.
She hugs me when she sees the tears start coming out. I can't believe I practically just accused her of cheating.
"I'm sorry" I cry into her shoulder.
"Sshh. Remember, never apologize for how you're feeling. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm not offended or hurt. I just wanted you to see that there's no one else for me but you" She starts rubbing my back.
"I just feel so bad that you're in a relationship where you can't freely ask for sex because I have kids around. I'm scared I'm not meeting your needs so you'll leave. Dating someone with a kid is hard and now I have two. I can't give you all my attention. Normally, in the beginning of a relationship, we focus on each other but you're not gonna
numaninnan that with mall Tame handexperience that with me" I cry harder and I hold her tight. I'm afraid to let go, literally and figuratively.
She pulls me away with her hands on my shoulders and I start shaking. Is she gonna leave me now?
Using her thumbs, she wipes away my tears and she gives me a small smile. My heart starts beating really fast because I don't know what she's gonna say next.
"Everything I'm experiencing with you right now and everything I've experienced with you in the past, the good and the bad, is exactly what I want. I don't care if I have to remind you every day that you, Eva and Ervin are what I want in life. Being a part of your family. I understand you have fears. I have fears too but you know what? Look at us" she pauses.
"We're talking. You're expressing your concerns to me. You're not pushing me away. I'm so proud of you" She smiles at me while she still holds my cheeks.
"Stop being so damn perfect!" I bury my face on her chest and she starts patting my head.She chuckles, "I'm far from perfect. I have a lot of issues too. You know I struggle with mental illness.
Every day, there's voices in my head telling me all the things I'm lacking. There's a voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough for you and they're all talking to me at the same time. It may sound crazy but it's how it feels like.
But when I'm with you, those voices aren't as loud. When I see you smile, when I hear you laugh, or when I just hear your voice in general, it makes the voices disappear and I just hear you."
I pull back now to look at her and she's crying now too. I wipe away her tears like she did with mine.
"You said before that you feel like that I've done more for you than you have for me. You help me every day just by being yourself. You listen to me when I have my worries, you do the small things for me like making sure I've eaten or drank water or that I'm not overdoing it with work. Or you deal with some of my quirks and you even help me with them" she laughs a bit.
I didn't expect this night to be emotional but I think it's helping me right now. I feel closer to her somehow.And Ryujin's quirks. It's true that she has some things she likes done specifically. She has three towels,
1st for face,
2nd for hair ad upper body and
3rd for lower body. She also showers at night because once she showers then she can't do anything else that will require her to have to wash her hands again. She can't touch certains textures. She can't eat off a ceramic dish. She's sensitive with noises too.
We cry together for a while and constantly telling each other what we love about the other. She starts making jokes so I laugh at her because her jokes aren't funny but she's funny for trying really hard.
We stay up late, just talking and cuddling. Its cute how Ryujin can be so clingy. She always makes sure she takes care of me and does everything for me but when we're alone, she can be a like baby.
She has her head on my chest while I play with her hair and she plays with my free hand.
I yawn, suddenly feeling tired from the crying. I can't believe, we had a night alone and we spent it crying together.That talk somehow made me feel better. She's still so amazing even when I'm being unreasonable.
I hear little snores coming from my girlfriend so I look down to find her asleep already. I kiss the top of her head and I fall asleep not long after.
I wake up in the middle of the night and our position is changed. She's spooning me now. I scoot back so my back is pressed closer to her body.
I notice that our position is similar to where when I woke up in the middle of the night in Chicago. Her hand is under my shirt, on my breast and her face pressed against the back of my shoulder.
I lay there awake, trying to fall asleep but I just keep thinking about Ryujin. I start imagining our life together as a married couple with Eva and Ervin, living in our own house.
I think about maybe having another kid where Ryujin and I decide that we want one instead of getting pregnant, accidentally.
I'm grateful that she's so accepting of my kids and how she's even willing to help take care of them. The fact thatshe flew here to be with me is just crazy.
I then remember Christmas is coming up and I don't have a present for her.
I'm sure she would understand if I don't get her anything but that's wrong.
I need to get her something.
I suddenly feel movement from Ryujin. Just like before, she squeezes my breast then gives my back a kiss. I honestly find this so adorable and she's doing it while sleeping so it makes it ten times more adorable.
Even in her sleep, she still shows her love and affection for me. I finally start feeling sleepy again and within a few minutes I fall asleep with a smile on my face.