My heart is twisting.
I love him.
My words are true. (Are they? )
He kisses me.
A gentle kiss on the lips.
I fall into that kiss.
I love it. (It feels wrong.)
It tastes like nothing. (Stories always tell about the taste of a first kiss)
I don't know anymore.
I love him. (Right?)
He is kind, caring, endlessly patient, handsome, earnest, hard-working and way to good for me.
I know all that.
He has good grades and is smart.
I'm not.
He tells me, that I am, that grades don't matter, that I'm lovely, and he offers me his help with schoolwork.
I love him for that, but at the same time my heart clenches tight.
I'm not good enough for him. (I'm scared.)
I'm lost.
So I sit here, wondering about everything. (Wondering if this is right.)
Wondering if I should talk with him about all this.
If it's right to love him.
I'm always doubtful.
Doubtful of my own heart. (What I feel is love,right?)
I don't know. (I don't feel the way the songs and stories describe it.)
All I know about love is from stories.
I think the way my heart starts beating faster, the way it clenches, is love, right?
I want to stay with him.
I love him.
A little clenching is normal.
It's all in the name of love.
He told me that she is happy that we can openly talk to each other.
So why can't I trust him? (He always accepts my words and is understanding.)
Trust him to talk about this? (About the way everything feels right and wrong at the same time?)
Am I wrong, for feeling like that?
My phone pings.
A message from him.
I look down.
Read it.
Smile.
I'm happy. (Why do I need distance?)
My smile falters.
My dream rises into my mind again.
I dreamed about you.
My heart clenches so much it hurts.
I want to scream, but can't.
Of course I can't.
I'm worried.
Am I wrong?
This must be madness.
I won't admit to something useless and destroy all the happiness I have.
Still, in the dark of the night, I google.
Search about things I don't get.
The meaning of dreams.
Two people, my heart torn between. (One real, one fantasy.)
Love.
It's all in the name of love.
I just need to know.
What I find just proves me right and wrong.
It doesn't help.
I don't even know if I will meet you again. (If I will ever meet you. Was our first meeting really just in my mind?)
I should stop driving myself crazy.
I must simply be trying to poison our love. (Doe this prove that I'm insane? That I'm wrong? What does it say about my mind? )
I don't know anymore.
I should stop. (Force my thoughts to a halt.)
I look at his last message again. (How long did I stare blankly into air again?)
I love him.
I truly do.
And that's what I should stick to.
I'm happy right now. (But just perhaps we shouldtalk? I could ask her for advice?)
My eyes catch on the date.
It's almost our one-year anniversary.
Right, that time is almost here.
Now isn't a good time to think about breaking up.
Much less to tell him.
And for what anyway?
Just because I'm not sure if I'm straight anymore? (I know that I'm not. I think about the other kind to much. Dream to much about kissing them. Kissing her.)
It's just the wrong time.
I will stay quiet.
It's all in the name of love.
Sometimes you need to keep silent for that.
I love him.
Focus on the way my heart beats faster with happiness then I'm with him. (Ignore the way it clenches painfully. Thats just another sing of love, right?)
Don't endanger the happiness I have right now for an uncertain possibility.
I don't know if I will ever meet you.
You only show up in my dreams anyway.
You are just a figment of my imagination. (My sick imagination. Why do you feel so real?)
It doesn't make any sense anyway.
So I will just stick to the happiness I have right now.
It's the only thing I can do.
I love him.
I won't destroy this.
I won't hurt him.
I never want to see him in pain.
So I won't.
It's all in the name of love.
Once upon a time I thought about calling her to chase away the silence, but I never did.
Because I need it.
Need the distance.
The silence.
It's necessary.
It's all in the name of love.
My heart is screaming with happiness just from being close to her. (A broken part of it shatters more from sadness. (Or is it pain?))
So I won't.
I smile. (Do I? Does it look real?) (I'm glad no one sees.)
I answer with a message of my own to his.
Right, this is the way everything is right.
Only then everything is alright, can I be happy.
I love her.
There is no need to endanger what I have for uncertainty.
So I stay silent.
Smile.
And know.
This is all in the name of love.