After lying on my bed, I was looking around, appreciating their decoration sense. How beautiful it was! I, suddenly, recalled one line, my brother had told me before the day of wedding, Sometimes you need to accept what God gives you even if it isn't your choice. As you have beliefs in him, as it will be a bless. He told me in a consolation tone. I appreciate it, ignoring the person before me. Although it was for him. But there was God, too. There was mercy, and there was grace. When I turned my face to him, I found him looking at me, studying my face. Maybe he has the ability to judge behaviors and read minds, I thought. "Yes?" I asked him to know what he found as a result or outcome. He scoffs and clears his throat. "Nothing special. But I was trying to find the comfort zone you put in. I was missing it. And if things are actually changing." "But I am not doing anything for it." I say forthwith, without missing a chance.
"Sometimes you should let things be itself." He says.
When I heard that, I think maybe it is the right time to start the topic. It might get its chance from the right side, but I will get enough if he lets me, at least this time.
"Things can be itself without giving it a chance. If you are telling me to let it be, then why do YOU have to give it a chance?" I started as I should, with the compliment that will help for stopping it. I saw he chuckles. "You're mixing things up. I know you're still frustrated about my treating. I am hoping that you've put the chance to become suitable with the moment. You will be comfortable some days later with my treating gestures, too." He explained in that way, what flied meters away up from my head. But I can not let it go. I continue, "Leno. It is not like you care about me or treat me like with an unsuitable way, and I am not comfortable with it. It is that I do not need so many tensions you do for me. Do not need excessive care. Maybe you treat people like that, as it is normal for you. But it is not normal for me. Do you understand? One of us would have to step away. It is not just going how we should. Don't you think, if starting becomes unsuitable, we can not fix anything further." I do not know if I say everything. Maybe I should have stopped and let him speak.
I saw him fixing his position under the blanket and getting a little bit closer. Takes a deep breath, I was thinking some large explanation is on the way. I saw him extending his hand and holding my palm.
"Modric, you have no idea how it feels, how much it feels when I heard that a few seconds ago. I can not describe it by words. Let me tell you just one thing. Yes, I appreciate with you that I treat you in an unsuitable way. It could be my fault. But it is not your fault not to become comfortable with that way. And I don't treat people like that. I guess PEOPLE should be treated like that. It's not tension. It's not care, what you're mentioning it is. It is just a silly way to treat people to live around you. It is a normal thing to talk like this. I-I can not imagine Modric, what were the things that happened with you that TURNED YOU IN THAT VERSION?! Maybe I AM NOT familiar with it. And, and, and if there is a reason to step away, it will be YOU who're doing it, not me. You will consider my each behavior. It is not either hurting you, so I can not consider it. CAUSE IT HURTS ME. It hurts me to see you like that. I want you to take each thing normally. Each and every thing. Do you understand?" He explained the way back then. I feel some emotions between his words.
What was my fault? If I can not take things normally, at least I can try, and so far, the result will not be good. I did not want it from my heart. Maybe that's why the result is bad. I can not force myself for anything. If it comes from heart, I will give my best on it. But I can not accept if. After thinking about him, I can change my decision. But I can not change ME. Cause each time it hurts me if I want something FROM HEART. It hurts me so bad. Maybe I forgot the difference between the things that come from my heart and the things from the brain. I do not recognize it. The result is equivalent. And he is right. it is not my fault. But he is not right cause if it is not my fault, then for what are the things punishing me? For what? I can not ask him. I controlled myself and answered him. Cause tonight, I have an answer for each and every thing. But if I ask him just one of my unanswered questions, he would remain silent for the entire life. The previous one is one of them.